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M/s...why or why not?

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ownedsubgal

lost little girl
Joined
Mar 21, 2003
Posts
2,996
this question is posed to all of those who live or wish to live a 24/7 D/s (or change D/s to power exchange, if you prefer) lifestyle:

if you are not M/s, what is it that makes the concept of an Owner/property relationship unappealing to you? what do you view as the key difference between the kind of D/s that you desire and M/s?

and if you are M/s, what is it that makes the concept of any other kind of power dynamic unappealing to you? what do you think would be different if you lived within a power dynamic that was not based in Owner/property?

do fundamental moral or ethical differences come into play here? or is it situational, with your needs and desires differing depending on your partner?
 
ownedsubgal said:
if you are not M/s, what is it that makes the concept of an Owner/property relationship unappealing to you? what do you view as the key difference between the kind of D/s that you desire and M/s?
Click to expand...
I am not interested in controlling all aspects of a partner's life, and not interested in pretending that I do.
 
Essentially I'm not into the literal property thing but more than that Mister Man isn't really into talking about bdsm. He doesn't like workshops. Doesn't like Fetlife. Doesn't like literotica. Doesn't like kink events. He likes kinky sex and considers himself dominant and in charge of me and the relationship. At this point, I feel like call it what you will. I could call myself whatever I want for my own entertainment, but it doesn't really matter.
 
I'm not sure if my situation counts as M/s, but I'm almost certain it doesn't count as D/s. I'll give this thread a go, anyway, but feel free to ignore me if my answer's not what you're looking for. :rose:

The reason my relationship makes me happy is that it gives me a sense of security I've not found in any other type of relationship.

I have always been very afraid of emotional intimacy and commitment within a relationship. Previously, when things didn't go the way I wanted them to, or when I got too afraid of the amount of closeness involved, my reaction was to run fast and far. In my mind, it was similar to fleeing a burning building: get out before you get burned.

With Master and Mistress, I don't have the ability to leave. Physically, yes, I can. Emotionally, I can't. I like to think of them having a huge, invisible retractable leash that's clipped to me. I can go wherever I like, but they're still holding the end of the leash, so there's no doubt I'll be back when I get bored with wandering.

The sense of security comes from me ceding my right/ability/what-have-you to leave and them accepting responsibility for my emotional well-being, so I don't have to worry constantly if things are going to be ok.

Whatever happens, it'll be fine. They'll be there, and I'm not going anywhere, either.
 
ownedsubgal said:
and if you are M/s, what is it that makes the concept of any other kind of power dynamic unappealing to you? what do you think would be different if you lived within a power dynamic that was not based in Owner/property?

do fundamental moral or ethical differences come into play here? or is it situational, with your needs and desires differing depending on your partner?
Click to expand...

My husband and I are M/s, but I don't find the concept of other kinds of power dynamics unappealing. I have had D/s relationships that are primarily sexual, and (often) more fun because we could play together without having to think about our worldly responsibilities.

The M/s dynamics make more sense within our marriage, because there are no moments in our lives when we stop being who we are with each other.

So, in that sense, I guess it's situational. Our natures together give rise to a relationship that only makes sense within its M/s context.
 
Now that the idea of Asperger's has entered our family (and like alcoholism, it seems to be running rampant through our gene pools) - I find the Owner/property model to have taken on a whole new meaning. :rolleyes:

I still have a lot to learn in this area, but objectifying people is a prominent feature of the autism spectrum disorders.
 
ownedsubgal said:
and if you are M/s, what is it that makes the concept of any other kind of power dynamic unappealing to you? what do you think would be different if you lived within a power dynamic that was not based in Owner/property?

do fundamental moral or ethical differences come into play here? or is it situational, with your needs and desires differing depending on your partner?
Click to expand...

We are M/s, 24/7, TPE, whatever we're calling it today. I don't really find the concepts of the other power dynamics unappealing. I was in a D/s relationship(long distance, but not online) prior to this.

The reason I'm in a M/s relationship now? I met a hot sadist. Had some long talks, feel in love. He lives by a M/s dynamic. If I wanted to be with him it would be as his slave or not at all.

Homburg and Bunny had many, many talks with me before I went for it. I whined I'm not a slave. I can't do it. They pointed out that I had already been acting the slave role in my D/s relationship. I was allowed limits and didn't use them. I was allowed to say no. Only did once that I can remember. Had a safeword, never used it.

So I went for it. I couldn't be happier. It's not a dynamic that's a strict as some. I would read posts sometimes..I remember cat posted once about F making her drive on a broken tailbone for hours. I can't imagine that. It's a huge reason why I was hesitant.

Not all M/s relationships are the same though. I have some leniency. I'm not really micromanaged. I'm not allowed to say no. I don't have a safeword, but I have a Master who is very adamant about not breaking his toys.

I also have no idea if I've answered your question or not.:eek: My head is a bit fuzzy today.
 
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I am Sir's submissive. I am not His slave. He has no interest in "owning" me and doesn't consider me to be property.

Which is a good thing, because I have a hard time with the concept of being "owned" by anyone. I lived through a 23 year marriage with someone who was possessive and jealous and insecure. It's scarred me emotionally probably for life.

So our relationship is 24/7 D/s and happy to be so. I have safe words. I retain control of my finances. I'm not micromanaged. I serve because I love Sir and want to make His life as easy as it can be.
 
JMohegan said:
I am not interested in controlling all aspects of a partner's life, and not interested in pretending that I do.
Click to expand...

you've stated this before and i've always wondered, not just of you but of the many Dominants who express a similar sentiment, in all of the areas of a submissive partner's life in which you do NOT wish to exert control, should that submissive be independent? in other words, when it comes to career, family, friends and any other area in which you do not wish to control, should that submissive then develop (or maintain) a sort of separate life completely independent of the D/s relationship?

it's late and i'm a bit under the weather so i know i'm not phrasing things perfectly, but hopefully you get what i'm trying to ask. but this is one reason why a non-M/s power dynamic would not work for me...because i could not deal with that independence, and because i'd find it very confusing constantly switching back and forth from "i run the show and do what i please here, but he is the boss here."
 
eastern sun said:
So, in that sense, I guess it's situational. Our natures together give rise to a relationship that only makes sense within its M/s context.
Click to expand...

i can grok that. because of who the two of you are together, the M/s flavor comes naturally and makes sense. with someone else, or within a different kind of relationship and commitment, it wouldn't.
 
oh and nh, you did a great job of answering my question. sometimes we are wired for a particular relationship structure and may not even realize it or accept it, perhaps that was the case for you. perhaps, despite your nature, something about the label "slave" evoked negative feelings within you.

i am so glad that you found the Master that you did, that you are happy and free to be who you are. :rose:
 
Because there's no one standard definition for D/s or M/s or anything else, I don't find them useful terms. Some labels, like lesbian, are very useful - if I tell you I'm a lesbian, there a whole lot of things you are free to assume about me, and most of them are probably right. But one person's definition of submissive might be what someone else would call a slave - I just don't think there's enough overlap to really make comparisons useful. For that reason I don't think I could judge one type of relationship over another...each one is what it is when it is.
 
ownedsubgal said:
oh and nh, you did a great job of answering my question. sometimes we are wired for a particular relationship structure and may not even realize it or accept it, perhaps that was the case for you. perhaps, despite your nature, something about the label "slave" evoked negative feelings within you.

i am so glad that you found the Master that you did, that you are happy and free to be who you are. :rose:
Click to expand...

Thank you!:rose:
 
I kind of fall off the bell curve, as you know.

I have no interest in living with, romancing, and treating as a partner the person I consider my owned property. Those concepts make a colossal headfuck when you put them together for me.

M/s provides an outlet for sadistic and objectifying impulse without muddling it with the other junk.

So I absolutely crave and love M/s. But not as a 24/7 construct, more as something I can access, a 7/24 if you will.
 
ownedsubgal said:
you've stated this before and i've always wondered, not just of you but of the many Dominants who express a similar sentiment, in all of the areas of a submissive partner's life in which you do NOT wish to exert control, should that submissive be independent? in other words, when it comes to career, family, friends and any other area in which you do not wish to control, should that submissive then develop (or maintain) a sort of separate life completely independent of the D/s relationship?
Click to expand...

Yep, exactly.

I want him to do all those things exceptionally well and then switch gears.

A lot of dudes are great at this kind of compartmentalization, FWIW. I've never really found much issue with this in the two times I've been in M/s with a guy.

I don't define M/s by its constant in your faceness, but by this level of objectification. By an actual degree of exploitation, even - sexual, cathartic, material, what you will.
 
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As for from the bottom up, absolutely no interest in anything he doesn't want to do. A quiet, introspective interest in just doing what he likes. I don't know what to call that. What he wants to do isn't particularly far out from an SM perspective. I've bottomed harder technically, but never so meaningfully.

M/s as defined by most people would be an untenable burden on him as our lives are and as he is. Then there's part of me that questions whether that's not a kind of enslavement, to accept *less* control in the name of more pleasing and accommodation? Meh. I have no idea.

If he showed up on my doorstep with a strict much more commonplace M/s framework tomorrow, I'd agree to it. However it's as likely as 4 feet of snow falling tonight. So I put my focus on what he does like.

I maintain as much independence and drive as I do and play to his level, try to find just the right amount of passivity to be pleasing, initiate when his mood insinuates that it's a good day for that, and just play along.
 
First off, I have children. While I think a M/s relationship sounds hot, I would feel that it would be screwing with the whole consensual thing.

Second, I'm not that trusting. Honestly, I have more parenting experience than K. I'm more patient, I'm more understanding. I won't release the power I have with the kids; I don't think he's got enough control of his temper for that kind of power. Power over me, I can handle. Over them? - not gonna happen.
 
Knowing that a girl is all mine just feels good. My own property, not friend, or partner, but actually mine.

Also I want definitive sway, if she defies me there are consequences. If I say jump she jumps, if I say diet she only eats that, and if I say you look good in this she better wear it, if she does not then there will be a few intensive hours ahead for her.

The best analogy for the relationship I want seems to be a well trained dog and its owner. The kind of dog that does not require a leash, but when master says sit the dog sits. Difference is I know a woman can understand exactly what I want so if she doesn’t do it, unlike with the animal. its not due to communication error and she has no excuse.

A relationship without that control is just nothing special to me. I’m beginning to question if I could even love without that dynamic.

Too much control, that’s more difficult to imagine. I suppose when a girl is so indecisive its debilitating, then she needs fixing. Oh, and when a chick just calls you up to ask permission not because she has a genuine concern but because she gets off on it, that also a drag.
 
ownedsubgal said:
you've stated this before and i've always wondered, not just of you but of the many Dominants who express a similar sentiment, in all of the areas of a submissive partner's life in which you do NOT wish to exert control, should that submissive be independent? in other words, when it comes to career, family, friends and any other area in which you do not wish to control, should that submissive then develop (or maintain) a sort of separate life completely independent of the D/s relationship?

it's late and i'm a bit under the weather so i know i'm not phrasing things perfectly, but hopefully you get what i'm trying to ask. but this is one reason why a non-M/s power dynamic would not work for me...because i could not deal with that independence, and because i'd find it very confusing constantly switching back and forth from "i run the show and do what i please here, but he is the boss here."
Click to expand...

I'm not a Dominant, but I'll attempt to explain how it works for us.

For example, I control my own money. I have quite a substantial amount from my divorce settlement, plus Sir and I receive government benefits because of His disability and my being unable to work outside the home because of my caring responsibilities.

He has said from the get go that He doesn't want anything to do with my money. I pay our bills, buy the groceries etc because it's one more thing that He doesn't want to be bothered about doing Himself. I'm quite capable of doing all these things because I have done the accounting when my ex husband and I had a farming partnership. Why would Sir not wish to use my skills in this area? I keep receipts etc but He hardly ever looks at them.

Regarding my own money - I handle it and spend it (or not) how I please. He's quite happy for me to do so, in fact I'm encouraged to spend money on myself :) I didn't do this when I was married the first time. The ex would bitch and moan if I did :rolleyes: Sir says I deserve to spoil myself now and then :)
 
ownedsubgal said:
you've stated this before and i've always wondered, not just of you but of the many Dominants who express a similar sentiment, in all of the areas of a submissive partner's life in which you do NOT wish to exert control, should that submissive be independent? in other words, when it comes to career, family, friends and any other area in which you do not wish to control, should that submissive then develop (or maintain) a sort of separate life completely independent of the D/s relationship?

it's late and i'm a bit under the weather so i know i'm not phrasing things perfectly, but hopefully you get what i'm trying to ask. but this is one reason why a non-M/s power dynamic would not work for me...because i could not deal with that independence, and because i'd find it very confusing constantly switching back and forth from "i run the show and do what i please here, but he is the boss here."
Click to expand...
On this board, osg, you come across as an intelligent, articulate, friendly, polite, respectful person with very strong convictions, who is capable of holding her ground in meaningful discussions. An adult interacting with peers in a healthy way.

Does your Master tell you what to write here? If not, then perhaps thinking about your time on this board will help make the concept less confusing for you.

The fact that a woman has her own career, family, and friends doesn't mean she runs the show wherever she goes outside the home she shares with the D, and it doesn't mean that she switches off her feelings of devotion and deference toward the D at any point during the day. It just means that she's a fully functioning adult, interacting with society at large in a healthy way.
 
YourCaptor said:
Knowing that a girl is all mine just feels good. My own property, not friend, or partner, but actually mine.

Also I want definitive sway, if she defies me there are consequences. If I say jump she jumps, if I say diet she only eats that, and if I say you look good in this she better wear it, if she does not then there will be a few intensive hours ahead for her.

The best analogy for the relationship I want seems to be a well trained dog and its owner. The kind of dog that does not require a leash, but when master says sit the dog sits. Difference is I know a woman can understand exactly what I want so if she doesn’t do it, unlike with the animal. its not due to communication error and she has no excuse.

A relationship without that control is just nothing special to me. I’m beginning to question if I could even love without that dynamic.

Too much control, that’s more difficult to imagine. I suppose when a girl is so indecisive its debilitating, then she needs fixing. Oh, and when a chick just calls you up to ask permission not because she has a genuine concern but because she gets off on it, that also a drag.
Click to expand...

This is a perfect analogy of mine and B's relationship. I love to feel owned and loved. A well kept and pampered Pet. But still owned and knowing and fearing that any disobedience will be met with a specific punishment.

We had a vanilla relationship for two years then broke up due to stress. I tired to control the relationship and he tried to follow me lead. It exploded in our faces. It took a year of being "just best friends" and me stumbling onto these forums to give us the knowledge and encouragement to tell each other of your true wants and needs. We had been going at it ass backwards.
The M/s relationship works perfectly for us. We are both free to be who we truely are with each other.
D/s works for other sexual relationships I am allowed to have. They work in those situations where as only M/s works in my permanent relationship with B.
So I would have to say that M/s and D/s are situational for me. With M/s only working with one person, B. :heart:
 
Netzach said:
I kind of fall off the bell curve, as you know.

I have no interest in living with, romancing, and treating as a partner the person I consider my owned property. Those concepts make a colossal headfuck when you put them together for me.

M/s provides an outlet for sadistic and objectifying impulse without muddling it with the other junk.

So I absolutely crave and love M/s. But not as a 24/7 construct, more as something I can access, a 7/24 if you will.
Click to expand...

well you know there can be "24/7", everyday M/s without the romance. lots of folks have live-in housekeepers; black slaves in the south lived in shacks yards away from the Big house.

but as you say, you enjoy the dichotomy, the switching from the extreme of highly functional successful adult to debased slave...and i suppose you couldn't really have that in a 24/7 situation, love or not.
 
ownedsubgal said:
well you know there can be "24/7", everyday M/s without the romance. lots of folks have live-in housekeepers; black slaves in the south lived in shacks yards away from the Big house.
Click to expand...

As un-pc as it is, I think the latter is the better model of my interests. I'd have live-in help of the non pervy kind when hell freezes over, too. :)
 
I can't be bothered micromanaging everything, but I definitely demand final say in the things that matter to me.
 
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