Old 03-18-2016, 03:37 PM   #1
UnderYourSpell
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Humorous Poetry

I am very fond of humorous poetry and thought first to set up something like 7 Humorous poems in 7 days but wasn't sure if I would get any takers. I know you can write them even if you spell it differently! The answers on the 'Find a name for my new group' were cracking me up.
So when you're ready not many rules apart from some sort of humour, even the black variety. Any form, free verse or picture poetry and if you're in the middle of 30/30 any humorous poem can be posted in both threads.
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 03-18-2016, 03:39 PM   #2
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-18-2016, 08:22 PM   #3
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Mail'em to you same as before?
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Old 03-18-2016, 10:25 PM   #4
UnderYourSpell
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Originally Posted by Magnetron View Post
Mail'em to you same as before?
No, no it's not a challenge it's for posting as and when you would like to. I look forwards to yours as your suggested Group names had me in stitches
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-19-2016, 06:52 AM   #5
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I'm in the middle of doing a 90 in 30 not so funny ones, but I'm sure I got some finished gags lying around that I've never posted here.
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Old 03-19-2016, 07:00 AM   #6
UnderYourSpell
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I wish I'd never made this Chinchilla one, I posted it in a group. told someone else they'd got 18 syllables and got kicked out of the group for it
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-19-2016, 09:10 AM   #7
greenmountaineer
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Wet Dream

Mon Dieu!, his dream was a wet
Mediterranean pied--terre
at eight o'clock in the morning
after a brief summer shower,
the air aromatic as the croissant
fresh from his wood fired oven,
not far from a naked Genevieve
at the breakfast table crying

because Marie dans le boudoir
after saying she wasn't hungry
pulled on Harry's brilliantine hair,
screaming his name in ecstasy
at midnight after thirty-five years
next to a bug eyed wide awake Ethel.
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Old 03-19-2016, 09:47 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
Mon Dieu!, his dream was a wet
Mediterranean pied--terre
at eight o'clock in the morning
after a brief summer shower,
the air aromatic as the croissant
fresh from his wood fired oven,
not far from a naked Genevieve
at the breakfast table crying

because Marie dans le boudoir
after saying she wasn't hungry
pulled on Harry's brilliantine hair,
screaming his name in ecstasy
at midnight after thirty-five years
next to a bug eyed wide awake Ethel.
Oh la la!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-19-2016, 03:54 PM   #9
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The Tent Of Medinah

Welcome, enter the Tent of Medinah
We have whatever your heart desires
and promise to accomodate your every need

Come to the basin, let my girls bathe you
Wash the weary travels from your body
Smoke the reed pipe of the soothing weed

Desert Son
Who walks the searing sands that burn
his feet like stoneware from a baker's oven
won't you stay awhile
and enjoy our company for a turn
for some good old fashioned Bedouin lovin'

chink ching chingaling ching chink
chink ching chingaling ching chink


As my girls twirl and dance before you
choose one that tickles your fancy ...
... or do you prefer to be with two or three?

Forbidden you are to see their faces
Look into the depths of their eyes
You can only fathom their infinite beauty

Desert Son
Who walks the searing sands that burn
his feet like stoneware from a baker's oven
won't you stay awhile
and enjoy our company for a turn
for some good old fashioned Bedouin lovin'

chink ching chingaling ching chink
chink ching chingaling ching chink


That one there, her name is Jezebel
Plush lips, moist behind silk veil
Imagine them wet, pressed upon your skin

You may only look in her eyes
as she retreats slowly down your thighs
delivers you into the Kingdom of Heaven

chink ching chingaling ching chink
chink ching chingaling ching chink


Desert Son
Don't forget to tell your brothers about us
and your stay in the Tent of Medinah

It's the only place in the Middle East
where you can find a happy
pretty Egyptian girl like me

who doesn't have sand in her vagina
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Old 03-19-2016, 04:32 PM   #10
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The Preacher's Confession

You come to me asking for the Lord's blessing
cleanse the soul of sins you're now confessing
I myself must confess I'm mystified
Truly stumped

I thought I was here to help guide you along
to preach the Word of God
sing His mighty song
not listen about the neighbor's wife that you humped

Why don't you just keep those details quiet
I'm breaking out in laughter to the point of a riot
Why is it so difficult for you to grasp His beautiful Way?

You are forgiven if you are likewise a forgiving soul
With free will comes a price that takes it's toll
Meanwhile, you're free to screw with whomever you lay

Don't give me that familiar old song and dance
about how the Devil won't let you keep it in your pants
busy luring everyone into strange beds

If you're too weak to resist the Whores of Babylon
you really haven't been listening to me babble on
about how yawl fabricate these excuses in your heads

Why, if I had a dollar for everytime I myself gave in
well ... Hell
I'd be wealthier than the Vatican
and should spontaneously combust into pillar of hellfire

At the risk of repeating myself once again
especially regarding affairs with married women or men
you're only tempted by what it is you already desire

If you really want to do right by the Almighty
you might want to brush up on your Aphrodite
We inherited from ancient Greek civilization
great tales of forbidden love

Most of the stories back then never ended happily
Eternal damnation paled in comparison to jealousy
Crazy lovers and psychotic in-laws
were what you should've been more afraid of

Now, if you would please excuse me for a while
I have more pressing matters to attend to and reconcile
like the choir waiting for me to direct them in a song

And if you know of any other ladies who want to sing
Mrs. Anderson will be in the back room auditioning
My God, I think today she's wearing a thong
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Old 03-20-2016, 08:35 PM   #11
Lyricalli
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I'm not sure how humorously I write, but I do occasionally do silly, and this did get a giggle out of at least one person, so I hope it qualifies:


So many treats
and colors galore
so dangerous to visit
the grocery store
when you're hungry
it's tough to obey the list
before you know it
you've picked up this
and that
and this
take it home
hope it all fits in the fridge
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Old 03-21-2016, 12:07 AM   #12
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyricalli View Post
I'm not sure how humorously I write, but I do occasionally do silly, and this did get a giggle out of at least one person, so I hope it qualifies:


So many treats
and colors galore
so dangerous to visit
the grocery store
when you're hungry
it's tough to obey the list
before you know it
you've picked up this
and that
and this
take it home
hope it all fits in the fridge
I see you've met my husband!
__________________

Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 03-21-2016, 12:23 AM   #13
Lyricalli
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I see you've met my husband!
In the dairy section.
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Old 03-21-2016, 11:05 AM   #14
UnderYourSpell
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My thick and rubber friend,
smooth tapered anal plug,
how I love your presence
fitting oh so snug!
So when I sit upon my seat
and do a subtle grind
I feel so very naughty
no-one knows what's up behind.
I can wriggle in the train
or extended in my car,
though at traffic lights be careful
you don't pop a jerk too far!
And when I get at last to work
I just chasse, what a farce
that no-one knows I'm smiling
from what's stuck up my arse!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 03-21-2016, 12:19 PM   #15
butters
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on trying to get a copy of my parent's marriage certificate

in a silly town i shall not name
i wanted some papers the same
just copies; you'd think
that's not hard, there're links
but that's not how they're playing the game!

i just wanna go there with cash
and pay for them straight from my stash
but the powers that be
well, they need to phone me
'cos their website's a total great hash!

i have all the details to hand
it's not hard to sort; understand
ancestry.com
and a couple of chums
saw me right for the info, they're grand!

i have names, volume numbers and dates
page numbers and can even state
more than they need know
but till they call it is so
beginning to chafe and frustrate.

their website's back up! so i did
what it asked and put in my i.d (sowwy)
but it won't recognise it
'cos my add's not inside it
because it's a different grid

i'm not living there anymore
well i've lived here for 30 years more!
but to access their website
to process it quite right
it needs certain postcodes, the bore!

so here i am kicking my heels
and shrugging off how it all feels
thirteen minutes to go
till they close, and you know
they'll all be off home for their meals.

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Old 03-21-2016, 01:18 PM   #16
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they say posturepedic is best
so we thought we would give it a test
you said ''i'm not sure,
we should bounce on it more,
and perhaps you should take off your vest...''


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Old 03-21-2016, 01:25 PM   #17
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despite how it looks i'm not smug
for when bit by the limerick bug
i swell up with nonsense
till puffed up and intense
'fore pooping it out on this rug



:cleanupinaislethreeplease:
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Old 03-21-2016, 01:34 PM   #18
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he walked kinda funny for days
and stared about, lost in a haze
said sumthin' bout rubber
and a-plugs *he shuddered*
n gettin' lost deep in our annie's maze


*wiggles eyebrows*
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Old 03-21-2016, 01:38 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
he walked kinda funny for days
and stared about, lost in a haze
said sumthin' bout rubber
and a-plugs *he shuddered*
n gettin' lost deep in our annie's maze


*wiggles eyebrows*
Is it a lance o gram?
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Old 03-21-2016, 01:50 PM   #20
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Quote:
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Is it a lance o gram?
hehehe
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Old 03-21-2016, 02:01 PM   #21
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here's to the old full moon,
looking down, engorged
creamy shafts filling the rills,
and valleys and hills
by ones and twos
until the pressure is just two/too much and...
spills
..
corks the Kahlua
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Old 03-21-2016, 02:07 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I wish I'd never made this Chinchilla one, I posted it in a group. told someone else they'd got 18 syllables and got kicked out of the group for it
Cheeky buggers
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Old 03-21-2016, 02:16 PM   #23
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good on ya, good man! i.d.smith
you really stirred the stale shit!
the cuts to disabled
no longer enabled
and in government a bloody great rift!

*respect....




[Ian Duncan Smith, the minister in charge of the department of works and pensions, resigned amidst uproar, stating he could not put his name to the disgraceful benefits cuts the government was attempting to push through in its budget with regards to the disabled. Since then, the cuts have been abandoned in totality.]
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Old 03-21-2016, 02:22 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by steelyblue73 View Post
She offered her honor
I honored her offer
All night long I was on her and off her
funny was in a film, wasn't it?
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Old 03-21-2016, 02:25 PM   #25
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She offered her honor
I honored her offer
All night long I was on her and off her
Oh, brilliant
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