Hurt/Mad at the Hubs

I feel so stupid and selfish in a way, but the other part of my brain is telling me that, somehow, this is really fucked up. DH's sex drive has been lacking since we started having money problems, fine. It goes up and down in cycles all the time. Several months ago, he stopped watching porn because he thought me might be addicted and wanted to stop, so he has. He has recently gone back to at least reading stories and, more recently, just looking at pictures. I'm fine with it, if he thinks he can handle it, but it had bothered me before because it seemed like he was never in the mood but would masturbate to porn after I was asleep (he would stay up later playing on the pc and then end up masturbating before coming to bed).

Before, it had been the desire to look at the porn first and then, well, masturbation quickly follows of course. I've been convinced that because I have gained weight over the past year that I am less attractive to him, though he vehemently suggests that I'm not. Insecurities aside, I know that is at least part of it and I'm trying to deal with it (though I can't really diet and exercise as I normally would now that I am pregnant); right now, it's more of a deal-with-it-and-don't-whine-about-it-because-that-won't-help-the-situation.

Well, last night was one of the few nights anymore that DH stayed up later than I did. When I had begun falling asleep I asked DH if he could take his laptop downstairs so I could go to sleep. Earlier in the night when we had gotten home from a friend's house and were getting into PJs/comfy clothes, I started to try to initiate sex, but he said he wasn't in the mood. When he left upon my request later, it crossed my mind that he might masturbate, but I decided to try and trust that it wouldn't happen and rolled over and fell asleep.

This morning, I asked him, because it was eating away at me and I was curious. I had a gut feeling. He said he did and he was so sorry, blah blah blah. Now, this is all over text because I dropped him off at work and he didn't say a word to me about it all morning. I feel betrayed. I had specifically asked him/tried to get him to have sex earlier, he said he wasn't in the mood, but he was in the mood enough to pleasure himself later -- without me. He says he feels guilty now, he felt guilty last night. To quote he said, "right after i finished I was like oh crap, i could have made love to you earlier. I don't like it either."

I haven't responded. I don't want to respond too angrily. Masturbation is perfectly healthy, normal ... but this just feels messed up. Am I being a hormonal pregnant lady or what? I think I would feel upset like this regardless of hormones or not ...

Advice? Thanks in advance.

P.S. - Please don't read this and say I'm expecting my husband not to masturbate -- of course not. Like I said, masturbation is completely healthy and normal, everyone does it. I do it. I don't mind it. It's just the fact that I've tried to initiate sex and he's not in the mood, but then goes and masturbates. I can understand if I'm not home/we're not together, or he asked me and I said no. But I didn't. I just feel slightly betrayed.

I think you might get some more helpful advice if you tell us more general things about your relationship - How long have you been married and is this your first pregnancy/child?
Was this an issue before you got pregnant?
Has there been any other factors - like change in work hours, or him being ill/tired? (so he's too tired to have sex, as masturbating can be much faster)

My only real advice is to talk it through - the more open you both are about how you're feeling, the easier it will be to find a workable solution.

We've been together for about 3 years and had been engaged for nearly a year before getting married. We got married sooner than initially planned (we were gonna' save up and have a 'big wedding' at the end of the year), but decided that we wanted to get married before the baby was born.

Annywho, I know he loves me to pieces, and we have wonderful communication skills that we've cultivated over the years we've been together. So I do plan on discussing this with him at length. But I'm trying to sort out my mind first because I don't want to be irrational about it and, because I feel like he has guilt-complex issues when it comes to masturbation to begin with I want to be as supportive as possible -- but at the same time I don't want to be compromising myself in a negative way because that's not going to help anything with "us" to begin with.

Anywho, DH first admitted to me that he felt he was addicted to porn several months before we found out I was pregnant, and stopped looking at it. Then slowly started reading stories again and, more recently, looking at pictures. So I knew about his masturbation-guilt issues prior to being pregnant/married etc., we discussed his possible porn issue. I tried to watch porn WITH him one time, but he was uncomfortable with it because it made him guilty (he couldn't articulate why).

Finding out I was pregnant has been a surprise, I've been unemployed since February and I cannot, for the life of me, find a job. We're having money issues. He hates his job. I know all of these are contributing factors in his sex drive -- or lack thereof -- and I have been as understanding as I can be about it, while trying to encourage him in other ways as well as in the bedroom.

I think this particular situation has caused me to "flash back" to when he was doing it on, like, a nightly basis, and I still wasn't really having sex with him that often. So I feel betrayed, because I tried last night, he said no, and then masturbated anyway. I understand that masturbation is different, it's a good stress-reliever. And having just got off the phone with him while he was on his break and trying to sort of go through it a little more, he said it was a him preparing for bed to help him go to sleep; that he kinda' got in the mood but still didn't feel like having sex. That's fine ... but when I feel kind of dejected to begin with, it hurts more.

It has been recommended to me to possibly suggest he go for counseling to try and sort through his own personal sexual issues, and then possibly counseling for us together so we can sort it out for us and our relationship. When I brought it up to him his first reaction was that he didn't want to do that and proceeded to say that he didn't feel guilty about doing it, he felt guilty about how it made me feel.

That's really why I'm looking for outside perspectives ... I want to see how much of this is my own insecurities, and how to productively speak with him about this and see if he does have somewhat of a problem, and then try to sort it out for us. If that makes any sense.

In reading your posts, the impression I get is that it's not so much the masturbation but that he seems to be choosing it over sex with you and you feel shut out/cut off from intimacy with him. I also see that there are some major stressors in your life right now and so I can also understand if he seems to have little energy for PIV sex. Is there a way for you guys to work towards a compromise? See, there have been times in my relationship when one of us was horny/wanted a sexual release but the other person just didn't have the energy or inclination for full blown sex. When that has happened, we've been able to work around it with alternatives such as handjobs, fellatio/cunnilingus or masturbation (he to me and vice versa). For us, it's a way of honoring the other person's emotional status, yet still taking care of sexual needs and maintaining intimacy.

Regarding the porn "issue": that may or may not be a real concern, but it's hard to say. Based on what you've said - it sounds like he's very conflicted over his interest and that he harbors some guilt over it whether it be from religious hang ups or from being made to feel guilty by someone in his past. I think that's something only the two of you are going to be able to decide. I will say that if you DO feel it is an issue, do seek counseling - even if he doesn't agree to go. The therapist may be able to suggest ways of dealing with the situation, or communicating more clearly with him regarding this area. And who knows - eventually he might agree to go with you.

Best of luck to you both.

I'm curious what made him decide he might be addicted to porn. Possibly it was because he just doesn't feel aroused/inclined to have sex unless he looks at porn? That would be logically consistent with declining an opportunity to have sex, then later after looking at porn wanting to masturbate. I'm a woman but I personally find it difficult to relax enough and concentrate enough to be interested in sex. And sitting alone in the dark for an hour or two is a great way to relax. I often find myself horny at 2 am or so after not being horny at all earlier in the day when my brain was in 'getting shit done' mode. So yeah, maybe you could try taking a nap in the evening, which would refresh you and give him some alone-time, then try to approach him for sex when you get up?

Can't comment on any guilt issues though.

OK, as a guy, and this is just my perspective, sex and masturbation are two different things. It is a lot easier for to take care of myself than to join my wife. I think that Bail had some good ideas for alternatives if he is too tired. He may also have some issue with having sex while you are pregnant. When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was a little apprehensive about it. It took me a bit to get last it, but I finally became comfortable with the idea. Once I got past that, we actually had some of the hottest sex we have ever had while she was prgenant. On another note: the addiction to porn thing I don't really think may be an addiction to porn, but more of an addiction to the escape from reality. I have had some issues in the past where I found escape online. I did come to realize what I was doing and have toned it down considerably. The fact that you are not able to find work; he hates his job and soon you will have another mouth to feed make it very easy for him to find an alternate "reality" where he feels adequate. I went through the same issues and did the same thing he is doing. My online activities almost cost me my marriage. We ended up getting some joint counseling where I was able to identify my reason for my behavior and we now have a better marriage. Good luck however it works out.

You need to go to counseling together, I believe. I don't think this is his problem only but I also don't believe this has anything to do with your insecurities either. This is not a problem with his sex drive - if he is masturbating then he does have a sex drive - he just doesn't want to have sex with you for whatever reason. I don't believe you have touched on the baby issue enough. You obviously got pregnant before you were married and then rushed to get married before the birth. Was this a surprise pregnancy or a planned one? This could be a very huge issue. I'm guessing since you didn't wait to get married first and then have a baby that little junior indeed was a surprise. He may not have wanted kids at this point in his life. You could argue that the pregnancy is his "fault" but it doesn't change the fact he wasn't expecting a kid from having sex. It could just be an issue that being pregnant makes you unappealing to him sexually. That is kind of insensitive on his part if this is the case but it is not exactly unnormal for a male to lose interest in his wife while she is pregnant. I'm guessing he wasn't as prepared for having a baby as you might think and then with all the other things going on he feels like he is on the titanic. Part of him wants to jump ship and the other part of him doesn't. Good luck.

curiousgeo62 said:

OK, as a guy, and this is just my perspective, sex and masturbation are two different things. It is a lot easier for to take care of myself than to join my wife...

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Quoted for truth.

As a bloke, there have been times when I've gone off sex due to various stressors and hassles but still masturbated. Part of it is that if sex has become an 'issue' it's just easier to do it on your own than engage with your partner. Plus you said 'he pleasured himself' but from my experience, masturbation can often not be about pleasure but more about just relieving the uncomfortable horniness feeling. So if you're in a situation where a guy is wary about having sex due to whatever reason he might still be masturbating just to avoid sexual desire. So his sex drive might be low but still be masturbating.

Is he a porn addict? I don't know. Does him watching porn mean he wants to have sex with other women - probably not. Is porn a fantasy and easier than real life - yes. A distraction - definitely.

Just because his sex drive might be low also doesn't mean he finds you less attractive and beautiful but he might just not be in the right frame of mind. You could be super-hot looking but if us guys aren't hungry then the outcome's the same.

Us blokes are more complicated than it seems sometimes. I never really understood that sex can be about sharing an emotional connection, rather it seemed more to be the 'icing on the cake' and more for when times are good. Maybe you and him feel differently about the role of sex in a relationship - have you talked about this

My feeling, as a complete relationship amateur, is that the sex / masturbation stuff just represents something much deeper going on with him and that stuff probably needs to be tackled first. You both have plenty on your plate to deal with.

Good luck and I hope you guys sort it out. And keep talking!

Could he go look at porn, then come to you for some kind of sex when he's horny? Maybe you could start with him coming to the bedroom to masturbate with a little help from you, and go from there, if he's likely to have trouble transitioning.

I agree counseling is probably your best shot if it's available to you, and you should go regardless of whether or not he joins you.

This strikes me as a basic trust and compatibility issue. the money woes, pregnancy, etc., may be exacerbating the situation, but you had this problem well before those things started (I remember you posting about it before), so I'd set them aside for now and focus on the heart of the matter with him and your therapist.

But keep in mind that if HE doesn't want to work on this, nothing you do is going to help.

curiousgeo62 said:

OK, as a guy, and this is just my perspective, sex and masturbation are two different things. It is a lot easier for to take care of myself than to join my wife. I think that Bail had some good ideas for alternatives if he is too tired. He may also have some issue with having sex while you are pregnant. When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was a little apprehensive about it. It took me a bit to get last it, but I finally became comfortable with the idea. Once I got past that, we actually had some of the hottest sex we have ever had while she was prgenant. On another note: the addiction to porn thing I don't really think may be an addiction to porn, but more of an addiction to the escape from reality. I have had some issues in the past where I found escape online. I did come to realize what I was doing and have toned it down considerably. The fact that you are not able to find work; he hates his job and soon you will have another mouth to feed make it very easy for him to find an alternate "reality" where he feels adequate. I went through the same issues and did the same thing he is doing. My online activities almost cost me my marriage. We ended up getting some joint counseling where I was able to identify my reason for my behavior and we now have a better marriage. Good luck however it works out.

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curious is on point..it should b understood that masturbation and sex are two different things. In an instance where your husband may be stressed about the cost of a family and possibly an addiction (not to mention he may be unsure about sex and pregnancy), the last thing he may want is another chance at failing. in masturbation u cant fail and so it is the ultimate escape. he may definately feel guilty b/c it is selfish but it is best to handle with care b/c it should be understood that is his therapy. perhaps yall can engage in other sexual activities instead (or rather, before) the DEED. to comfort or coax (<-- horrible word choice)

Perhaps you could try helping him masturbate. I know it isn't what you want but perhaps if it's something he sees as being compatible with your involvement he would be more comfortable all round.

It doesn't have to be an either or. I can understand some of this . . .

If you are pregnant now, that may have something to do with it.
NOT because you have gained weight (pregnant women are beautiful) but men have funny ideas about being afraid it might hurt you or the baby...even if they understand rationally that it won't, there is still sometimes a sub-concious "What if?".

angelika said:

If you are pregnant now, that may have something to do with it.
NOT because you have gained weight (pregnant women are beautiful) but men have funny ideas about being afraid it might hurt you or the baby...even if they understand rationally that it won't, there is still sometimes a sub-concious "What if?".

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I loved pregnant sex, pity it isn't really possible for me any more. *sighs*

This sorta depends on where you guys' heads are at but apart from the sex bit are you still physically intimate and affectionate?

One thing that sex therapists do is the sensate focus thing. Essentially the couple agree not to have sex but still do stuff like massages, etc.

Dunno, just a thought.

a continuation of my first post..........To me, masturbation is about satisfying yourself and sex with my wife is about pleasing her. Satisfying myself can be quick or slow, it is all up to me. I love satisfying my wife, but sometimes I just want to be a little selfish

Everyone before me has given excellent advice about counseling and such. I'm just going to address your worry that you're just being insecure. I don't think you are. You've been very clear that your problem is not that he is masturbating or that you're worried his looking at porn means he wants other women. You're worried because he's masturbating but turning down sex with you. That doesn't sound like insecurity to me so much as a genuine concern. Whatever the reason for it, be it stress, tiredness, or whatever, it's clearly an issue. You're not having sex and it's making you unhappy. This doesn't mean you're being crazy due to wacked out hormones or poor self-esteem. It means you have a valid concern over a problem.

Anyway. That's my two cents. I wish you the best of luck.