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Old 05-18-2015, 09:14 AM   #1
ChopadusAzarius
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Girlfriend never orgasmed before

Hi all!

I have an interesting question for you may be able to help me with.

My girlfriend (soon to be fiance, hopefully) is a virgin and has expressed her desire to wait until marriage for sex, which I'm more than OK with, because frankly she's worth it. However I've just found out that she's never actually brought herself to orgasm, because she finds the process too overwhelming and she's a little shy about it.

We've talked about it a fair bit, and I've noted quite a few times that the experts on sex talk about women needing to learn how to get themselves off before they can really experience it properly with a partner, so they know what works for them and what doesn't.. So the fact that she has absolutely no idea has me concerned that.. it might become a stressful issue for her when we get to that night.

I'm a little out of my depth and don't really know where to turn to about it. I don't want to pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do, I just want to be able to help any way that I can.

Any suggestions on the matter?
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Old 05-18-2015, 11:18 AM   #2
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Even though your girlfriend is a virgin, there are other sexual things you can do with her, particularly after you've proposed marriage.

Betty Dodson is a sexologist who has a web site and has written several books about sex for women. You might suggest your girlfriend view Betty's web site, or you might purchase one of Betty's books for her.

Good luck, and I hope this has helped.
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Old 05-18-2015, 11:28 PM   #3
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I have to be the Debbie Downer here. I hope she is really worth it because chances are very high that she will never be very sexual. You need to prepare yourself for that before saying I do. It is highly unlikely she is saving herself for marriage and will be a great lover afterwards. Her inability to even know how to please herself is a clue that she will not be able to please you. I would have some very serious talks with her about your sexual expectations, otherwise she is going to think it's acceptable to have once in a while vanilla sex with the frequency ranging from once in a while to less and less. After children it will only be an afterthought whenever she's not tired, which will be rare indeed. Fair warning.

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Old 05-19-2015, 12:00 AM   #4
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While I respect the concept of saving oneself, by locking away the most vital part if our being, our sexuality, and not letting it develop and grow, is setting you up for frustration and her for heartache over not understanding her own body. Has she ever even examined her own body in a mirror? Please..... Don't jump in feet first unless you have eternal fortitude.
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Old 05-19-2015, 02:05 AM   #5
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How old are you both? Is she sporty? What does she think about not orgasming? Why does she want to remain a virgin until marriage? Does she see sex as being important in a relationship?

There's also a possibility of not sleeping together on the wedding night - make it the wedding morning instead, or start being intimate on the wedding night and explore things together over the honeymoon. There's a lot of advice on Christian sites about how to make the most of the honeymoon that way.

Can she talk to her girlfriends about sex, ask questions? Have a read of this, too: http://www.the-clitoris.com/how_to_have_female_orgasms (it helped me.)
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Old 05-19-2015, 03:10 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by subwannabe View Post
I have to be the Debbie Downer here. I hope she is really worth it because chances are very high that she will never be very sexual. You need to prepare yourself for that before saying I do. It is highly unlikely she is saving herself for marriage and will be a great lover afterwards. Her inability to even know how to please herself is a clue that she will not be able to please you. I would have some very serious talks with her about your sexual expectations, otherwise she is going to think it's acceptable to have once in a while vanilla sex with the frequency ranging from once in a while to less and less. After children it will only be an afterthought whenever she's not tired, which will be rare indeed. Fair warning.
Do you have a source for this? I have many close friends who waited until marriage and both partners wouldn't have had it any other way. Everyone has to start somewhere, and we know nothing about OP's significant other aside from she's shy about sex. That doesn't mean that she's not willing to open up with the right person. Saying someone who wants to wait until marriage or just for the right one will never be sexual, and if they are will only want once in a while sex seems like a gross generalization.

Anyway, OP, I think it's awesome that you found someone that you're willing to hold out on sex until they're ready. Aside from the never orgasming part, I was in a similar situation where I was very timid about sex. It just got to the point where I had to learn how to accept my body and tell myself that masturbation is something everyone does. Then again, maybe she just doesn't want to. Again, we don't know her and you need to talk to her and figure out where she stands. Be patient with her, and just reassure her that you're on her side and will help her with anything she needs when she's ready.
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Old 05-19-2015, 07:22 AM   #7
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I'm 28, she's 24.

It's hard to explain exactly why she wants to wait, it's a very long conversation that we've had a number of times, the first of which was the night we actually started dating.

I'm not worried about her not being interested in it, communication is one of our most strong qualities and any time it's come up we've spent ages talking about it so I do understand every element of it quite well. She has built it up over the years, but that's expected for a 20 something year old virgin, and I'll do everything in my power to make it special for her.

None of this is actually what I'm curious about though.. I'm somewhat obsessed with pleasuring whoever I'm with, and she knows this (and is both intimidated and turned on by it)..

The thing that I want to know is should I somehow try and convince her to explore herself more so she can learn what she does and doesn't like, or should it be something that we can explore down the track?

She is just very shy about it, and I dont think she has talked about it with anyone as openly as she has with me before


Quote:
Has she ever even examined her own body in a mirror?
She's extremely comfortable in her own skin, and is extremely comfortable with me and her body. She's never shied away or had a problem with my hands anywhere at all, and is usually the one to initiate any sexual activity of any kind. I'm pretty confident that she wants me to help her explore that side of herself, but is so shy about it that she doesn't really know what to do about it.

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Old 05-19-2015, 07:47 AM   #8
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I think that it would be more important to focus on the discovery together - enjoying the pleasure of touching and discovering - more than the setting a goal on orgasm. Women can feel performance anxiety just as men can and the easiest way around this is to appreciate the journey.

I also disagree with the idea that, since she has decided to wait, she will not be sexually interesting. The decision to wait is often tied to more things than desire.. and desire is something that tends to grow in a trusting relationship.
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Old 05-19-2015, 08:10 AM   #9
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Hey, Azarius - I like your lit name!

Here's us 38 years married and we like you "decided to wait" back in the day. We like you had utterly delicious times with touch and kissing and exploring in the 15 months of our courting. As with yourself I knew I was marrying a lass who had not had an orgasm through sexual relations and was not [nor ever became] interested in pleasuring herself.

I want to tell you this because:

She had a very lovely orgasm the second time we made love - the morning after our wedding - the first of two or three thousand I have had the pleasure of setting off in her. That said, the first few years of our marriage there were often times when I took her nearly there but not quite and those times were sometimes very demanding in terms of her feelings of frustration when I came and she only just didn't. If we had our time again through those early years the value we would add is a much more liberal application of my fingers and mouth to her womanhood than we did, together with me learning to do those things much more sensitively than I did when I did in those early years.

But that said, an orgasm is not the be all and end all! These days quite often we don't both or sometimes neither of us have a climax and that really is fine if it's been a delightful time!

I was asked by a woman litster to set off a thread about female orgasm through penile penetration and you can click onto it from my signature; a few folk have put up some quite helpful stuff there, but do have in mind that the conversation there tends to assume a great deal of experience in love making, so don't feel disabled by other people's considerable experience - yours is coming soon, pal.

My very best to you both mate. You just be your very-fine-young-man-self with this good woman and you will take each other to the stars in your own very special and unique way in due course.

Simon.

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Old 05-19-2015, 08:47 AM   #10
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and was not [nor ever became] interested in pleasuring herself.[/quote]

then

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Originally Posted by suckonsimon View Post
the first of two or three thousand
so it is all about you?
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Old 05-19-2015, 09:07 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by NightL View Post
and was not [nor ever became] interested in pleasuring herself.
then



so it is all about you?[/quote]

NightL, most certainly not. Her delight is to be pleasured by her man, to have the pleasure of orgasm in the context of shared joy and relationship. So it's about her and about us, and, yes, about me in the sense that I value the pleasure of pleasuring her more than I can say. Is that fair answer?

Or have I missed what you are suggesting? I do believe you have missed where I am 'coming from' in the post you have quoted; My contribution is really all about Azarius and his question and his hopes for their future.
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Old 05-19-2015, 09:17 AM   #12
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I seem to remember a similar thread a while back, which was about a female who could not cum. I dont think yours has this problem though, as I understand she stops herself from cumming, which is unnatural and could have an effect on her in later life were designed to do. A healthy body and mind needs to orgasm, its what certain parts of the body do naturally
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Old 05-19-2015, 11:02 PM   #13
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I realize that my post was a gross generalization but generalizations are generalizations because they apply to more than not. After reading more from the OP I feel more confident that the odds for her are a little better than my original thoughts. I wish them the best in their explorations.
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Old 05-20-2015, 09:56 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by subwannabe View Post
I realize that my post was a gross generalization but generalizations are generalizations because they apply to more than not. After reading more from the OP I feel more confident that the odds for her are a little better than my original thoughts. I wish them the best in their explorations.
Again, what is your source for this? Or is it something you just came up with it on your own because apparently all women who hold out on sex are the same. It seems you're making assumptions based on personal experiences and touting them as fact. If you had bad experiences I'm sorry for that, but making blanket statements doesn't help anyone.

But anyway, once again, like Gigglegasm said OP, focus on the discovery aspect of it with your girl and have fun.
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Old 05-20-2015, 10:34 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChopadusAzarius View Post
Hi all!

I have an interesting question for you may be able to help me with.

My girlfriend (soon to be fiance, hopefully) is a virgin and has expressed her desire to wait until marriage for sex, which I'm more than OK with, because frankly she's worth it. However I've just found out that she's never actually brought herself to orgasm, because she finds the process too overwhelming and she's a little shy about it.

We've talked about it a fair bit, and I've noted quite a few times that the experts on sex talk about women needing to learn how to get themselves off before they can really experience it properly with a partner, so they know what works for them and what doesn't.. So the fact that she has absolutely no idea has me concerned that.. it might become a stressful issue for her when we get to that night.

I'm a little out of my depth and don't really know where to turn to about it. I don't want to pressure her into anything she doesn't want to do, I just want to be able to help any way that I can.

Any suggestions on the matter?
I don't think there is anything wrong with her stopping before having an orgasm. I used to do that because I wasn't positive I liked the feeling. It was weird and a little bit scary (overwhelming). I wouldn't push the subject too much. If she's not ready or finds it overwhelming, it's best to let her take the time she needs. As for exploring, there's plenty you can do together when the time comes.
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Old 05-20-2015, 03:10 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by xtinelauren1 View Post
Again, what is your source for this? Or is it something you just came up with it on your own because apparently all women who hold out on sex are the same. It seems you're making assumptions based on personal experiences and touting them as fact. If you had bad experiences I'm sorry for that, but making blanket statements doesn't help anyone.

But anyway, once again, like Gigglegasm said OP, focus on the discovery aspect of it with your girl and have fun.
I'm not here to ruffle anyone's feathers. I thought this was an opinion board so I posted my opinion, even a refined opinion on top of that, including my well wishes to the OP. I didn't realize this was a factual bulletin board where I had to post proof of every statement I make. You yourself used the word generalization, which is similar to the word stereotype. Generalizations and stereotypes are those for a reason, because they are true more often than not, even if it is just 51% to 49%.

You don't have to apologize to me for my life as I'm happy with it overall. I am sorry though that this "generalization" was offensive to you for whatever reason as it seemed to have struck a personal nerve. If you don't believe it is a "generalization" then maybe you should have just accused me of being wrong, plain and simple. I still wish the OP the best and feel better for their prospects than I did from reading the first post in the thread.
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Old 05-20-2015, 04:22 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by subwannabe View Post
I'm not here to ruffle anyone's feathers. I thought this was an opinion board so I posted my opinion, even a refined opinion on top of that, including my well wishes to the OP. I didn't realize this was a factual bulletin board where I had to post proof of every statement I make. You yourself used the word generalization, which is similar to the word stereotype. Generalizations and stereotypes are those for a reason, because they are true more often than not, even if it is just 51% to 49%.

You don't have to apologize to me for my life as I'm happy with it overall. I am sorry though that this "generalization" was offensive to you for whatever reason as it seemed to have struck a personal nerve. If you don't believe it is a "generalization" then maybe you should have just accused me of being wrong, plain and simple. I still wish the OP the best and feel better for their prospects than I did from reading the first post in the thread.
I asked for a source because I was genuinely curious. Your original statement didn't read like just an opinion, it read like something you were trying to pass off as fact which is why I didn't accuse you of being wrong. If it's your opinion that's fine, and I only apologized because I don't think someone can just come up with giant blanket statements like that out of thin air. But now that I know it's just an opinion, I don't care either way. Also wishing luck to OP
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Old 05-20-2015, 05:25 PM   #18
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For what it's worth ... I'm glad subwannabe made the points he made, and I respect how he came back after the OP's second post. Seems to me that with his contribution at one end of the range of reactions to the scenario, and mine and other's at the other end and the stuff in between, we've given Azarius plenty to consider as regards his original question.

As well as plenty of best wishes to the two of them all round. In short, a balanced thread which is something special on Lit eh!
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Old 05-20-2015, 05:37 PM   #19
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I think that there is a male perspective and a female perspective. Many women on this forum have indicated that their sexuality didn't really blossom until middle age. If a man writes a young woman off as a cold fish simply because she decides to wait, it undervalues the female journey. I also consider it kind of a young opinion.

I would even say that men who allow themselves to grow sexually may also realize that the need to orgasm that is felt by many young men does not fully represent the pleasure associated with sexual maturity.
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Old 05-21-2015, 12:38 AM   #20
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I think that there is a male perspective and a female perspective.
I don't know, Giggle. Right off the top of my head, I can think of several male Litsters who wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the OP's fiance based upon the scant information that was given in the opening post. Rather than being a function of gender, I think it's more to do with whether one's perspective on life tends to be optimistic or pessimistic. Based upon his posting history, Sub comes across as more of the latter than the former. He is, of course, entitled to his opinion, but I personally find such negativity (often based upon very little information) a hindrance rather than a help to furthering conversation. But that might just be me. *shrug*

Quote:
Originally Posted by GiggLeGasm View Post
If a man writes a young woman off as a cold fish simply because she decides to wait, it undervalues the female journey.
This.

OP, one of the best things you can do to feed the health of your relationship with your fiance is to foster a positive environment where you each feel comfortable talking about and addressing such matters - whether it's concerns, questions, or fantasies (which can be really hard to share with a partner, for fear of being judged!).

Based upon what you have relayed in this thread, it seems as if you've got a great start with strong, open communication. I think you need to leave this to her, but you can offer gentle support by encouraging her to talk, read, research, and explore as she so desires, with the understanding you'll assist should she want it. Then leave it alone and let her lead you. That said, that doesn't mean you can't do your own reading and research, to help you become the best possible lover you can.

Good luck to the pair of you, and wishing you both a long and happy marriage!
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Old 05-21-2015, 12:50 AM   #21
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Some interesting feedback and opinions for sure.

I put this out there because I was more just curious as to how to approach said information. I've known that she wanted to wait for quite some time (as I indicated) but only recently found out that she's never brought herself to orgasm.

I did however discover that same night that she is very interested, especially in my desire to be a good lover, I just wanted to discuss it a little and see if anyone had anything to say about it.


I think what people have said about discovering and exploring it together is what I was going towards anyway, I definitely don't want to force her into anything and I really think that it will be a better experience for her. I know a great deal more than she does, so I might talk to her about whether she's done any digging into it herself, research wise.


Simon, that thread in your sig, I had a good read through that and it's definitely got some great information. It's something I'll certainly be coming back to time and time again, as well as talking to the GF about it when the time comes. Some pretty sage advice in it.


Thanks all, certainly been extremely helpful
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Old 05-21-2015, 01:00 AM   #22
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"She finds the process too overwhelming"

Very often for those who do not or can not orgasm, it is fear that holds them back. mostly fear of the unknown. Orgasm is, in effect, loss of control, something we are taught never to do. In addition, "loss of self" can be very frightening. The French call orgasm, 'la petite mort' (the little death) and so it can seem. If she is ever going to step off that cliff, she needs to be 100%certain yo will be there to catch her. Frankly, this could take years, but happily you are vowing "foreever" so it should be no problem.

My wife and I have been together 34 years. We are still finding new ways to thrill and excite one another. If this is what you want, accept that it will be very hard work. Keep it open, keep it loving, keep it honest. Play, have fun, explore. Gain her trust to the point where she will let you do anything to and with her. Then learn what you need to know.

Good luck!
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Old 05-21-2015, 08:16 AM   #23
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Quote:
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I know a great deal more than she does, so I might talk to her about whether she's done any digging into it herself, research wise.
You might want to ask if she fantasizes while she masturbates. If she doesn't, that might be an avenue worth considering. Sometimes there can be so much concentration on the physical aspects of sexual pleasure, that we forget that our minds are the biggest erogenous zones of all.

When I'm stressed, or when I've got a lot on my mind, it can be really tough for me to orgasm. In times like that, I certainly identify with your girlfriend's sentiment of finding the whole process to be too much work. By contrast, when I'm in the middle of a hot fantasy, I find it much easier to go with the feeling and just let it happen, rather than being so goal oriented. In an odd way, it helps to remove that self imposed pressure.

If she's open to reading erotica, well, you're already on a great site for that! And as an avenue of mutual exploration, it can be a lot of fun to read to each other various stories that pique your interest. If it's not something you've talked about at length, it's a great way to discover different things that rev your respective engines! It's a thought.
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Old 05-21-2015, 04:17 PM   #24
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Just making out with her should give you a great insight into how sexual you will be after a wedding. A long session of kissing should get her very worked up. You can tell by how she responds, even if the clothes are on and she doesn't orgasm. If she isn't really turned on kissing you, then maybe she won't be that into sex, assuming your technique is up to par. From my experience with women and even in other aspects of life, delaying gratification is seldom a negative.
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Old 05-22-2015, 03:17 AM   #25
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Just making out with her should give you a great insight into how sexual you will be after a wedding. A long session of kissing should get her very worked up. You can tell by how she responds, even if the clothes are on and she doesn't orgasm. If she isn't really turned on kissing you, then maybe she won't be that into sex, assuming your technique is up to par. From my experience with women and even in other aspects of life, delaying gratification is seldom a negative.
This is kind of why I've never really worried about her interest before, she's always been pretty easy to get going and certainly melts with my hands on her skin just about anywhere.

Had a bit of a chat about it to her last night, she pretty firmly cemented that her desire is there and not only is it quite intense it's matched by her curiosity level about everything. That being said, she did mention it's evenly weighed out with her fears about it all. Not really something I didn't already know, it's why I'm very carefully and slowly making sure she's completely comfortable with me in every aspect, and she's certainly enjoyed it all

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