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Old 08-22-2014, 09:10 PM   #1
victorious
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Question Help me to understand what this means

Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:16 PM   #2
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Fuck. If you read that question in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger it's all kinds of (funny) and scary.
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Old 08-22-2014, 09:55 PM   #3
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A friend of the family always says he'll never retire. He likens retirement to just giving up. I think he believes that once he's not a "productive" member of society, he'll waste away.

Maybe she thinks the same way?
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Old 08-22-2014, 10:08 PM   #4
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I agree with imemkay. That's probably what she meant.

A lot of people seem to think retirement equals being an unproductive member of society. There are many ways to be a productive member of society even when not employed though. I for one can't wait to retire and I'm seriously thinking about doing it early and very soon.
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Old 08-22-2014, 10:13 PM   #5
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It means she doesn't want you around all day. The old saying "I married you for better or worse but not for lunch."

A novel approach would be to talk to your wife about what she means by it.
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Old 08-22-2014, 10:41 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rainshine View Post
There are many ways to be a productive member of society even when not employed though.
There are also ways to be employed AND be an unproductive member of society too.
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Old 08-22-2014, 11:31 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
Perhaps she has read that statistics that all other things being equal, retired folks are thought to die younger.

There are a lot of statistics like that that may or may not apply to the person we are talking about.

For example, a widower tends to die sooner than one who is outlived by his wife.

In both cases it has to do with routines, and the way one cares for one's self.

As long as you stay active in some way, hobby, volunteering, traveling, whatever I say retire.

An alternative explanation is she is threatening to kill you. Your daily absence is just long enough for her to gather her resolve and restrain her homicidal urges.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:53 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?
I'm no professional, however since she said this before you told her that you are going to retire ... I'd imagine that she thinks that your job is bad for your health. Sort of like asking an addict, "Do you want to quit or do you want to die". Is (was) your job stressful? Your best bet is to ask her.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:40 AM   #9
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Thanks for your information.

I have not retired outright- even though I am not going out of the house every day and working outside of the house, I am still working from home in a a consulting capacity with different companies and on different projects in both the public and private sector.

I am keeping myself occupied.

To me, the comment she made I take as a threat, not a comment made out of love.

The real person is now coming out after I retired- not one who loved me for who I am, but one who only loved me for the money I made.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:43 AM   #10
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The real person is now coming out after I retired- not one who loved me for who I am, but one who only loved me for the money I made.

I'm really sorry that's happening. I can't begin to imagine.
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Old 08-23-2014, 05:48 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
Thanks for your information.

I have not retired outright- even though I am not going out of the house every day and working outside of the house, I am still working from home in a a consulting capacity with different companies and on different projects in both the public and private sector.

I am keeping myself occupied.

To me, the comment she made I take as a threat, not a comment made out of love.

The real person is now coming out after I retired- not one who loved me for who I am, but one who only loved me for the money I made.
Funnily enough when you first mentioned what she said I had a mental image of her clutching something sharp and shiny. I'm not sure what people expect when it comes to collecting a pension and donning the lap blankets but I assumed something better than this!
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Old 08-23-2014, 07:53 AM   #12
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Unhappy Update

She just told me that we have to move from the place we have been in (renting) for the past 5 years and the one our landlord has offered to sell to us because she has gotten sick from being around tumbleweeds (we live in the California Desert). The tumbleweeds are not on our property- they are on the vacant land that surrounds our property and-is owned by absentee landlords.

I asked her why she did not tell me before we moved into this house (on a quarter acre lot) that she was allergic to tumbleweeds- her reply- I did not know.

She feels it is my responsibility to clear out all of the tumbleweeds from all of the land around our property. There are no tumbleweeds on our property- our property in the back is fenced in. The front yard has no weeds because we planted wildflowers, plants and trees.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:14 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by victorious View Post
She just told me that we have to move from the place we have been in (renting) for the past 5 years and the one our landlord has offered to sell to us because she has gotten sick from being around tumbleweeds (we live in the California Desert). The tumbleweeds are not on our property- they are on the vacant land that surrounds our property and-is owned by absentee landlords.

I asked her why she did not tell me before we moved into this house (on a quarter acre lot) that she was allergic to tumbleweeds- her reply- I did not know.

She feels it is my responsibility to clear out all of the tumbleweeds from all of the land around our property. There are no tumbleweeds on our property- our property in the back is fenced in. The front yard has no weeds because we planted wildflowers, plants and trees.
I mean, there's a whole lot going on here between your two threads. Didn't you say you two were separating?

Regarding the tumbleweed issue, I'm sure it's difficult to get rid of them, that they come back. (I truly know little about them). Yet, why wouldn't you try to get rid of them if they make her sick?

My husband is allergic to grass; I cut the grass. He breathes easily. This just makes sense to me. My daughter is sensitive to dust; it triggers an asthma attack. The rest of us do the dusting. Simple.
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Old 08-23-2014, 08:59 AM   #14
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Explanation for her question-Do you want to Retire or Do you Want to Die?

Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious View Post
Right before I told my wife that I was going to retire in May of this year, she asked me this question:

"Do you want to retire or do you want to die?"

Any help in understanding what this means, especially from those trained in professional counseling would be greatly appreciated.
I asked her just now to explain what she meant by if I retire I would die.

She told me that what she meant was that because I retired, I would not live long. She doesn't know me- I am still very active in retirement- doing new things- just not working full time 40 plus hours per week.
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Old 08-23-2014, 09:24 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by victorious View Post
I asked her just now to explain what she meant by if I retire I would die.

She told me that what she meant was that because I retired, I would not live long. She doesn't know me- I am still very active in retirement- doing new things- just not working full time 40 plus hours per week.
And you appear to not know or understand her. I've seen a little of your other thread and you've mentioned your wife is from another country. I don't know if it has anything to do with it, but perhaps this is a culturally influenced thing for her.

Also, if her own flesh and blood was willing to fuck her over, I'd think she has some trust issues. I'm not defending her actions so far, but offering what I think could be a factor in her behavior.

If she's worried about how long you'll live, I assume she cares about you; at least a little.
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Old 08-23-2014, 12:03 PM   #16
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[quote=JtohisPB;59783427]I mean, there's a whole lot going on here between your two threads. Didn't you say you two were separating?

Regarding the tumbleweed issue, I'm sure it's difficult to get rid of them, that they come back. (I truly know little about them). Yet, why wouldn't you try to get rid of them if they make her sick?

My husband is allergic to grass; I cut the grass. He breathes easily. This just makes sense to me. My daughter is sensitive to dust; it triggers an asthma attack. The rest of us do the dusting. Simple.[/QUOTE

No more tumbleweed issue- Just finished clearing all the remaining ones from around the property- been out there for the past several hours- taken out by their roots-

What will be the next issue?
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:11 PM   #17
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Issue of the house and having to move

Sat her down just now and asked her point blank what is wrong with the house.

Found out the house is not the issue at all-

Issue is it is not big enough for her to take care of all the stray and loose dogs in our area.

I did buy a large 2.5 acre parcel of land which I am paying off outside in the rural area where a rescue facility can be set up. Originally she wanted to have the rescue only there and we would stay in the house. Now, her plan seems to be everything has to be at the land site- so instead of just the rescue run by people and us together, have to look into putting a home up on the site as well- cost just increased by 30-40 dollars, compared to just of the rescue of 6-8 thousand.
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Old 08-23-2014, 01:17 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victorious

No more tumbleweed issue- Just finished clearing all the remaining ones from around the property- been out there for the past several hours- taken out by their roots-

What will be the next issue?
My guess? The next issue should be you sitting yourself down and figuring out your contributions to the relationship troubles.
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:00 PM   #19
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I can feel secure in myself knowing that anytime she asked for something, I gave it to her.

She wanted to plant flowers in the front and back of the house? Done- bought her the flowers, seeds, and helped her plant.

She wanted to bring in new dogs after two of our older guys passed? Done- Brought them in and gave them a home- had to buy several large dog crates for them but did not flinch.

She wanted for us to buy a retirement place in the Philippines to have as a vacation place and had one of her sisters get it for us- done- paid out 10,000 us dollars (500,000 pesos) for it- however, found out it never was bought by the sister for us- she used the money for her own family.

Any time she has ever asked me for anything, I have never refused her.

I just don't get this behavior of hers.
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:26 PM   #20
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Okay, great. That's all stuff, though. What about time? Attention? Affection?

You did share that she believes she was called to something else and she certainly has demonstrated odd behaviors. It's quite possible that nothing could ever be enough.

I know when my husband and I go through a down patch, like we sadly are right now, it is very easy for me to identify all the good I do and all the bad he does. Yet, I definitely contribute to the problems and I have to force myself to consider those, to reflect.

My husband does the types if things you describe, he'd do anything for me. But, I want time with him, really with him. I want him to try new things. I want to feel like I'm the center of his world, at least occasionally. He loves me by fixing stuff and working a second job so we can have more stuff. We don't speak the same language. Confrontations don't fix it unless they're warm, positive, and both sides committed to fixing it.

With all the stuff you're posting, I think you have to consider what's the end goal here. Time to end the relationship? Then is it worth it to focus on every little thing she's ever done? Time to fix the relationship? Focus on fixing you first; trust me, everyone can improve, even if they've done "everything."

(My tone here is intended to be helpful, not accusatory, FWIW.)
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Old 08-23-2014, 02:58 PM   #21
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I have also done everything I can to make her the center of attention. I will surprise her with gifts, bring dinner home so she doesn't have to cook, make her breakfast in the morning before going to work, take care of the dogs and watering of the plants before going to work- Want to spend time alone with her- always comes up with some excuse- Want to take her out for dinner- excuse as to why she can't.

Just don't get it.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:01 PM   #22
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I just don't get this behavior of hers.
You're an engineer. Women are outside of our domains of comprehension.

However, you're in a particularly difficult situation. When you've gone broke and have nothing more to give, I think you'll find freedom...and understanding.

Regarding the tumble weeds...they grow because they've grown before. If you consistently clean them up, before they have a chance to seed, then you'll have very few of them. It'll take a few seasons though. Goatheads are the same way.

Take care.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:53 PM   #23
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Between this and your other thread it sounds as though her behavior isn't just strange it's very likely clinical. If that's the case then it's only going to get worse.

My advice (based on seeing what happened to the family of a friend) is to make sure she doesn't have access to any of the finances. People who are prone to impulsive or erratic behavior can empty a savings account or accumulate debt in amounts that are truly stunning. (In the situation of the couple my friend knew when the husband passed his wife discovered that he'd cashed out everything and borrowed as much as he could get. She was left more or less destitute.)

Outbursts of rage--lashing out suddenly and over small things.
Forgetting things to a high degree. Things such as leaving a pot on the stove until it catches fire could be an indication of minor blackouts or mini strokes. I sincerely hope you've made sure that she isn't driving. A few seconds of 'forgetfulness' behind the wheel could have much greater consequences than a scorched pot.
Impulsive and irrational decisions like deciding to go home to another country then to give up everything to be a missionary then to start a business then to run a shelter for stray dogs all apparently in the last few months if I'm reading these posts correctly.
Seemingly random demands that MUST be met like clearing ALL the tumbleweeds that have never bothered her in the past.

These are not relationship issues. These are health issues and you may need to face the fact that she is moving toward needing some sort of care. You need to be aware also that she could easily become a danger to herself or others.

She NEEDS to get some help. Lie if you have to, tell her that the insurance company insists that you both get physicals because of some new policy they've implemented.

God Bless
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:54 PM   #24
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Thanks for caring. This is really sad for me.
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Old 08-23-2014, 03:58 PM   #25
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Thanks for the helpful suggestions.
I can tell you that won't work-just from past experience.
When we first married, she was suffering with a benign brain tumor that needed to be operated on- had to forcibly get her into the care of doctors through having her admitted to Psych for care and evaluation- got the help she needed- but to this day she is still angry with me for getting her the help which, by the way saved her life and prevented her from going blind.
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