Is BDSM... Just About Sex?

Don't get me wrong.. the sex is more than amazing.

But when it's over.. it's.. over. I'm set aside til he is horny again. It gets lonely, and at times, i feel unloved, unwanted..

i'm not sure if i've put myself into a situation that i shouldn't have. If maybe i have wrong views about it all.

i'm just, confused, mostly.

Not Nawtee it is defiantly NOT just about sex, unless you want it to be like that.
BDSM are the acts of or participating in activities that include Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism
You can be physically restrained (bondage), punish or be punished (disipline)
derive pleasure/gratification from causeing pain or suffering (sadism) or recieve pleasure from mental, emotional or physical pain and or humiliation (masochism)
and none of those BDSM activities have to include sex.

I do not think you have the wrong views, I think your PLY is the one who has the wrong idea here and is not showing you any respect or consideration as a person. So you are probably right, you may very well have put yourself into a situation that is the wrong one for you. (tho In my opinion that kind of situation would be the wrong one for anyone) It is obvious by the way he treats you that he really has no clue how good D/s relationships are built and sustained.
Is it possible that your ARE unloved? It sound to me like you ARE unwanted unless you are wanted to be on-call for sexual pleasure, gratification and enjoyment. Everyone needs emotional closeness , love, attention,. We all want a relationship that involves our minds and our personality's.

You should be treated with attention, interest, engaged in active conversation, be able to share simple everyday pleasures together, he should show kindness towards you, tenderness, consideration of your feelings, you should be able to have open honest communication with him.
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If he is telling you he loves you then once he is finished with having amazing sex with you...he acts as though you don't exist, then he does not give a shit about you, does not love you, does not care for you or there is something seriously wrong with him. You are a human being first and should be treated like one, you are a submissive second and you should only submit to him if it brings you happiness and gratification. If your relationship with him does not bring you emotional satisfaction, contentment, happiness, joy...then get out of it. If he sets you up on the shelf in the closet like a toy he has tired of and is done with and does not come back to you until he wants to play again, get the hell away from him asap.

He does not know what D/s M/s relationships are really all about. He probably does not care to find out. He sounds like he is completely self-absorbed, self-centered, and emotionally cold.

I know I am dramatic but seriously..this man won't change because he does not care enough to change and he won't understand no matter how many times you try to explain it to him.

This is not a relationships

ADAKGIRL is completley right....BDSM isnt necessarily about realtionships or just about sex....
You sound like your looking for a D/s relationship were you can enjoy yourself sexually and emotionally with your Master/Dom..you are not going to get this from the current guy as it sounds to me like you are merley his fuck buddy/sex toy...D/s is not about being someones play thing...well it is lol but its so much more...to truely submitt to someone you have to be emotionally bonded to them...entering into this lifestyle can be a very emotional time as you are giving your mind and body to someone is a way that personally i had never experienced in "normal/vanilla" relationships.
Im not claiming to know much about this as frankly i dont...but i do know a good Dom will care for your emotional needs aswell as your sexual needs..a Dom is there to help and guide you through your "training" if he does not respect you, you WILL end up getting hurt...dont just stay with this guy purely for the sex...if you do fine but make sure he's aware he has no emotional control over you...atleast not in a D/s sense....BDSM fine...your casual play things for eachother...but this is not serious for him and he will NOT care for your needs...
Sorry to preach but so many people get hurt by confusing what a D/s relationship is...they are all different and you just have to find what works right for you..
Hope that helps somewhat.
xxx

No, it's not just about sex. However, you'll likely come across people who will tell you that sex has nothing to do with BDSM or D/s and that, in my opinion, is a load of horse shit.

Of course sex has something to do with it.

Silliness.

I've been in relationships where sex was what it was all about. We call these fuckbuddies, or playmates, not PYLs. There is a special part of my submission that is saved for some one who truely deserves it. The playmates I have had will get some one obiedient, to a point, but not totally submissive. These are the only people I have used my safeword on, and the only ones I have not felt guilty about doing so with.

In those type of relationships, I was exactly as you discribed, a toy to be played with when ever he desired. I quickly grew tired of it, and they were easy to give up, but perhaps that has a lot to do with the fact that I was never emotionally attached to them. Just sex for sex sake. This is also why I more often would call them playmates because there wasn't even a "buddy" standing. *shrug*

Now there have been exceptions. More of the friends with benifits. They cared about me and we talked about other things, but still there was a bit of seperation.

For some people this is as far as they want BDSM and D/s relationships to go. For me, it just wasn't enough.

I think I heard it best from a gay master in the area. You have sadism/masochism, master/slaves, domme/sub, lifestylers, and sex...... none of these have anything to do with the others..... but they can. You can have BDSM without sex and sex without BDSM. Hell you can have BDSM without submission of any form! It's all about your relationship dynamic that you two manage to work out. If you find your relationship lacking on some level that is a relationship problem. Like any relationship problem it's something that you two need to talk over. He either can or can't meet your demands and you need to decide how you want to react to that; whether you can live with it or not.

This is something that shouldn't be kept from him if it's something that bothers you enough to seek council. Clearly you're looking for something a bit more than simply bedroom submission. Part of the problem is that men have this issue.... they can be really kinky but it's based on the urgency of their labito. When a guy has a orgasm there is a very real change of personality. Thus a horny guy would act or do things he may normally balk at or shy away from. So just because he's a bedroom dom, he may not have any interest in extending it past his orgasm. Just a thought. (Disclaimer: I'm not saying men necessarily lose they're awesome domliness on orgasm but I am saying there is certain psychological changes brought on by hormone levels)

I would recommend trying to serve him out of the bedroom and see how he reacts but BDSM is that thing where if only one half of the cart's wheels are spinning you're going to find you're going in circles.

I don't see how BDSM has anything to do with being set aside or feeling lonely.

HarlotMinx said:

I think I heard it best from a gay master in the area. You have sadism/masochism, master/slaves, domme/sub, lifestylers, and sex...... none of these have anything to do with the others..... but they can. You can have BDSM without sex and sex without BDSM. Hell you can have BDSM without submission of any form! It's all about your relationship dynamic that you two manage to work out. If you find your relationship lacking on some level that is a relationship problem. Like any relationship problem it's something that you two need to talk over. He either can or can't meet your demands and you need to decide how you want to react to that; whether you can live with it or not.

This is something that shouldn't be kept from him if it's something that bothers you enough to seek council. Clearly you're looking for something a bit more than simply bedroom submission. Part of the problem is that men have this issue.... they can be really kinky but it's based on the urgency of their labito. When a guy has a orgasm there is a very real change of personality. Thus a horny guy would act or do things he may normally balk at or shy away from. So just because he's a bedroom dom, he may not have any interest in extending it past his orgasm. Just a thought. (Disclaimer: I'm not saying men necessarily lose they're awesome domliness on orgasm but I am saying there is certain psychological changes brought on by hormone levels)

I would recommend trying to serve him out of the bedroom and see how he reacts but BDSM is that thing where if only one half of the cart's wheels are spinning you're going to find you're going in circles.

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I think this is a very common misconseption. The idea that BDSM is something other than a relationship like any other, I mean.

There are many forms of relationships, I mentioned a few in my earlier post. Could there be a miscomunication here as to what kind of relationship you have? Some of the partners I have had did not wish anything but sex and play, some saught friendship, and still others saught something more, and then there were those some where imbetween all of it.

I think it's good to ask yourself what you want out of this relationship, and then ask him. You obviously are not happy being a sex toy, so maybe that type of relationship isn't for you. But fundimentally, this is a relationship problem, not nessisarily a BDSM one.

Hey Nawtee,

I’ll admit that I’ve frequently felt the same way, so thank for posting on this. Admittedly, I’m not fully into the bdsm. However, there are certain things I like and I’ve noticed that those who border on the d are typically able to provide that in the o/l sexual arena. At the same time, there is this odd bit of disappearance in-between. While I’m not wholly emotionally invested in the relationship, when there is a good experience and a person won’t be around for awhile, it’s always nice to receive a bit of ‘I think we’re going separate ways’ or ‘I won’t be around for a bit,’ rather than the blatant disappearance. If I think I’m waning I like to let the person know, and feel they should do the same.

However, borrowing from what ZRT stated in the ‘Topping from the Bottom’ thread, it’s about “communication” and “If you can't communicate freely and honestly, your relationship is broken, vanilla or otherwise. To me, it indicates a fundamental lack of respect, and respect is huge for me in a relationship.” So, I wish you luck and perhaps you should indicate that to who you interact with. Let them know how much you enjoy the sexual aspect, but do want a bit of consideration regarding his interim absence – Or, do expect them from those you interact with in the future.

I wish you all the best.

A BDSM is whatever those involved in it choose - each bond is unique. However, if both/all parties involved are not honest and up front with each other as well as themselves about what they want/need from the relationship, or one or more parties is not having their needs met, then discussing the issue and if necessary ending it are the next steps.

My assumption is that there was not adequate/proper communication in the beginning, and that this isn't some sudden change from previously when things were "good". It does not sound like you are truly into the lifestyle, but rather being complacent to keep Him happy - and as someone recently said to me: "If you're doing it solely out of fear or for the other person, it's destined to end poorly". So assess, discuss, and take the appropriate actions sooner rather than later I would advise.

In regards to those wondering what link there is between BDSM and being set aside or being lonely, it is as stated by several a more fundamental relationship issue, combined with some miscommunication between the parties involved - most likely he is (or is trying to) merely objectifying her. Thus if he doesn't have a "need" or "use" for her, he goes on about his own business.

Shapeshifter77 said:

In regards to those wondering what link there is between BDSM and being set aside or being lonely, it is as stated by several a more fundamental relationship issue, combined with some miscommunication between the parties involved - most likely he is (or is trying to) merely objectifying her. Thus if he doesn't have a "need" or "use" for her, he goes on about his own business.

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Right. So people need to be on the same page.

Law of relationship usefulness: if you are having more misery than fun, you need to leave. This doesn't include misery for the greater good like kids or illness per se - if you're totally fulfilled but having hardships that's still more fun than misery.

if the little voice inside you is more full of complaint than gratitude it becomes a no brainer.

Mostly I feel all cool and Dominant and stuff when I'm horny.

Marquis said:

Mostly I feel all cool and Dominant and stuff when I'm horny.

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hmm and afterward? Do you notice any change at the point of orgasm?

HarlotMinx said:

hmm and afterward? Do you notice any change at the point of orgasm?

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Yes, desire to watch television, have a snack and smoke a cigarette.

well we guys are lucky to have "after sex hormones" (they have a nice name I just don't remember it right now at 6am) that makes us sleepy so that for us could be a small reason for being less dominant

Myskaninen said:

well we guys are lucky to have "after sex hormones" (they have a nice name I just don't remember it right now at 6am) that makes us sleepy so that for us could be a small reason for being less dominant

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Not all of us. Sex tends to wake me up.

Then again, I'm wired a bit oddly in those areas.

Homburg said:

Not all of us. Sex tends to wake me up.

Then again, I'm wired a bit oddly in those areas.

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And I fall asleep in a pile. Preferably without much in the way of deep discussion.

Wow, I am so amazed at the amount of replies. So well thought out, written, and said.

Thank you all

Thing that annoys me most, is he came to me first, telling me how he wanted a "real relationship" not one that just revolves around sex, and this whole.. BDSM lifestyle.

I am not a 24/7, I am not interested in being with somebody who wants to be 24/7. I enjoy having a real life, going to work, going out with my friends, not having this.. again, lifestyle rule who I am. We both agreed that, this was how we felt, and we're both relieved that there was going to be no complications.

We have set down our limits, and how we wanted this to all go, but he has changed completely, and it does feel like he has become more, 24/7. It's him being so cold, and not being interested in me unless he has a hard cock which hurts the most.
I love the sex like that, rough.. hard.. the feeling like, it's a grudge fuck, the saying "Fuck me like you hate me" ..comes to mind. So i'm very worried that i've sent out wrong signals.

I guess it's time to sit, and have a long talk with him about this. ...again.

...i just wonder why i'm with somebody who really is oblivious to feelings.

Sorry, most of that was just thoughts in my head.

Thank you again - for posts. I'm very new to this "world" so, it's nice to learn more, and understand it that much more.

Hi Nawtee....read Adakgirl's post again, I think she has hit the nail on the head.

It's like your guy is treating you like a blow up doll. Bringing you out when he wants a bit, then treating you like crap the rest of the time.

I lived in a marriage like that for 23 years. My ex never showed me any affection unless he wanted sex. Then when he got it, I was ignored and taken for granted until the next time he was horny. Unlike you though, I never enjoyed sex with him. He was selfish and inconsiderate.

By all means try and talk to your man, but I fear you will be beating your head against a brick wall. Some people just have no empathy for others

Hi Nawtee

from a person in your geogrphical position..........

...it is all about the relationship,,and that is not one dimensional...sex is a part..yes...but any relationship is more than just sex...


especially a D/s relationship. Really, a D/s is intrinsically about love btw two people...a commitment.

It is not about abuse.

D

take care.

Nawtee said:

Wow, I am so amazed at the amount of replies. So well thought out, written, and said.

Thank you all

Thing that annoys me most, is he came to me first, telling me how he wanted a "real relationship" not one that just revolves around sex, and this whole.. BDSM lifestyle.

I am not a 24/7, I am not interested in being with somebody who wants to be 24/7. I enjoy having a real life, going to work, going out with my friends, not having this.. again, lifestyle rule who I am. We both agreed that, this was how we felt, and we're both relieved that there was going to be no complications.

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24/7 means that he calls the shots 24/7 as opposed to just in the bedroom and it sounds like you guys have something approaching that kind of dynamic. I am a 24/7 slave but like many here, that only pertains to my relationship with Master. I still have a career, a business, family, friends and all the other things most people need in order to be happy, balanced human beings. However you define your relationship with this guy, it appears you have ceded too much authority to him and are quite rightly resenting how he chooses to wield that power. Sub does not equal doormat or emotional masochist.

We have set down our limits, and how we wanted this to all go, but he has changed completely, and it does feel like he has become more, 24/7. It's him being so cold, and not being interested in me unless he has a hard cock which hurts the most.
I love the sex like that, rough.. hard.. the feeling like, it's a grudge fuck, the saying "Fuck me like you hate me" ..comes to mind. So i'm very worried that i've sent out wrong signals.

I guess it's time to sit, and have a long talk with him about this. ...again.

...i just wonder why i'm with somebody who really is oblivious to feelings.

Sorry, most of that was just thoughts in my head.

Thank you again - for posts. I'm very new to this "world" so, it's nice to learn more, and understand it that much more.

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Some guys who identify as dominant have strange ideas about how they should behave. My Master always has the final say on things but we laugh and cry together like any other couple. He does not spend every waking moment in drill sergeant mode. Physically, we are tactile and affectionate and emotionally, there is a great deal of frank communication. He wants me to be open and honest and tell him how I really feel about things because unless I have the freedom to do that, he doesn't have the info he needs to make decisions that are in both our interests, both as individuals and as a couple. Some guys feel that taking off their dom hat means showing vulnerability and losing a sub's respect. I don't know if your guys is like this but it's a misconception that damages many novice lifestyler's dynamics. (By lifestyler I mean someone generally into BDSM and powerplay, not a 24/7 sub) A relationship has to have romance, affection and emotional vulnerability or as you suggested, it's little more than sex.

I think you need to make sure there are no more mixed signals and be very frank about this. Write it all in a letter perhaps, if you feel you'll have difficulty doing this face-to-face and fail to get your point across.

A good read for your fella would be 'The Loving Dominant' as the author has a very happy and loving marriage with his sub.

Because let's face it, who marries their drill sergeant?

VelvetDarkness said:

24/7 means that he calls the shots 24/7 as opposed to just in the bedroom and it sounds like you guys have something approaching that kind of dynamic. I am a 24/7 slave but like many here, that only pertains to my relationship with Master. I still have a career, a business, family, friends and all the other things most people need in order to be happy, balanced human beings. However you define your relationship with this guy, it appears you have ceded too much authority to him and are quite rightly resenting how he chooses to wield that power. Sub does not equal doormat or emotional masochist.



Some guys who identify as dominant have strange ideas about how they should behave. My Master always has the final say on things but we laugh and cry together like any other couple. He does not spend every waking moment in drill sergeant mode. Physically, we are tactile and affectionate and emotionally, there is a great deal of frank communication. He wants me to be open and honest and tell him how I really feel about things because unless I have the freedom to do that, he doesn't have the info he needs to make decisions that are in both our interests, both as individuals and as a couple. Some guys feel that taking off their dom hat means showing vulnerability and losing a sub's respect. I don't know if your guys is like this but it's a misconception that damages many novice lifestyler's dynamics. (By lifestyler I mean someone generally into BDSM and powerplay, not a 24/7 sub) A relationship has to have romance, affection and emotional vulnerability or as you suggested, it's little more than sex.

I think you need to make sure there are no more mixed signals and be very frank about this. Write it all in a letter perhaps, if you feel you'll have difficulty doing this face-to-face and fail to get your point across.

A good read for your fella would be 'The Loving Dominant' as the author has a very happy and loving marriage with his sub.

Because let's face it, who marries their drill sergeant?

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Exactly.

So apposite. Thank you velvet.

Nawtee said:

Don't get me wrong.. the sex is more than amazing.

But when it's over.. it's.. over. I'm set aside til he is horny again. It gets lonely, and at times, i feel unloved, unwanted..

i'm not sure if i've put myself into a situation that i shouldn't have. If maybe i have wrong views about it all.

i'm just, confused, mostly.

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To quote my favorite writer:
"BDSM is as much about sex as underwear is."

Hi,
I just wanted to say that this discussion has some very good points that have actually answered some questions for me,
so thank you all.
xxx