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Vanilla in RL and Submissive at night. can they both coexist?

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purringlion

Virgin
Joined
Apr 13, 2009
Posts
6
Sorry, I accidentally posted this on the BDSM Cafe and I don't think that is the appropriate place for my post. Please keep reading...

First of all, I am happy to see I am not alone and that BDSM desires are very, very common. That said, I am in a situation that perhaps some of you have experienced and can help me out. I am a very strong woman in real life, with a good job that requires an alpha personality. On the other hand, I know that deep inside I am a sub waiting to have all the experiences mentioned in this forum and more. I have a relationship with the most amazing man who is vanilla. Ever since we met I've given him subtle and not so subtle hints that I wanted to do some bondage, spanking, start with something light, but he was never interested and never pursued that during sex (some men are just wired differently). I have never told him of my sub desires or that I would want to explore the lifestyle a bit. I don't know why I have never told him because we share everything. I guess I am a bit ashamed of it and nervous of starting the conversation.

Even though I've had my share of B/D D/S fantasies for a while I never did anything more than just go online and get off (thank you Lit chat room). I recently found a dom online who moved my world, and I considered having an online relationship with, but I ended it because the guilt of hiding anything from my loved one was too much to bear. Here is where I would like to ask for your opinion, have any of you been in this situation? if so, what did you do? how did you deal with the guilt? how do you even approach your partner and tell him/her these intimate secrets? Any and all suggestions are appreciated. Thanks.
 
I've been in a similar boat. I'm a pretty in control person during the day but in the bedroom I love to be controlled.
I think it was a little easier to start by letting my PYL know about Literotica. I occasionally found stories I liked and shared them with him. I also found BDSM checklists on some other websites. I filled one out and informed PYL of what I found and then gave him the list.
I think what helps is that he's into pleasing me. I don't know if he would have ever thought about spanking me.
Sometimes I think I may have more BDSM tendencies than he does but since we're slowly beginning to explore I just figure we'll see where it goes---I am married to him and committed to him. I can totally see the appeal of an online relationship but I know I would have guilt also.
 
I can say it really depends. I have a friend who turned to BD boards because she felt her husband didn't offer that certain appeal she desired. While it did not go beyond the electronic realm and I do not know if he was aware of her o/l activities, it was still indicative of other things. I do not know if your relationship is similar so I will avoid attempting to make any type of judgment/comparison, but with her, while she emphasized their connection and common bond, it seems as if the lack of sexual variation still related to her allegedly unrelated frustration in other areas of the relationship.

So, I would actually talk it out with your spouse, as someone else mentioned. If you can attempt to engage in it with him, it might add another layer to the relationship. If he is unwilling, you can always find smaller areas that he might participate in or you could start out in an inverted ds relationship and then transition over to the roles you'd actually desire. Boding that, if he is uncertain, indicate your interest in your participating in an o/l arena. If you emphasize that you wouldn't actually meet the person, just want to supplement one area of your relationship, and invite him to read your conversations, so he'll feel a part of it and might eventually want to take on a more active role with you. Of course, you could also incorporate erotic materials that include light bd in your usual bedroom play and indicate your fascination with it. But, as others have suggested & you probably already know, being honest and open might help out the most. So, good luck with that -
 
Yes, it can exist

Quite common, as graceanne mentioned. Human's propensity for duality is amazing.
 
My Experience Switched

I had Dom tendencies and experiences since I was a teenager. My wife is wonderful, everything one could want, except that she never showed any signs of wanting to be submissive beyond a mild spanking and occasional tie-up games with silk scarves. I let it alone for years (we have been together since 1991) and then one day while I was surifing about 8 years ago, found the Lit BDSM Board and Chat Room. Well MY desires found an outlet and it grew to the point where I had 2 online subs and had progressed to phone calls periocically. Needless to say, MY wife, m, found out and we had to confront things that I had been afraid to discuss (the usual fear of rejection had built an insurmountable wall between us on this subject). Fortunatley, our relationship and communication skills were otherwise strong and we were able to grow much closer and found that in the bedroom m was able to fulfill many of My desires regarding D/s. However, if we were not otherwise strong, it could have beenthe end.

Its not a full time thing, but I never wanted a fulltime D/s relationship and she certainly doesn't. However, 2-3 times a month we can get pretty wild in the D/s scene.

So My advice is don't live a double life. Be upfront instead of sending subtle hints. YOu might wind up with everything you need and more! Better to be in the open and deal with the situation then to be deceptive and live with guilt. Ultimatley it hurts everyone more.

Leo
:devil:
 
This is a proto-typical "I'm new to Lit" post.

It has all the features:

1. I am super alpha by day, desperate whore by night
2. I am married to the sweetest, most clueless man in the world
3. Do I still get to be alpha daylight bitch and loyal good wife if I keep my desperate whore side super secret and play with other people


I don't know what can be done with you people. You'd think after so many years of reading just such a post, I'd know what happens next but I really don't.
 
Marquis said:
This is a proto-typical "I'm new to Lit" post.

It has all the features:

1. I am super alpha by day, desperate whore by night
2. I am married to the sweetest, most clueless man in the world
3. Do I still get to be alpha daylight bitch and loyal good wife if I keep my desperate whore side super secret and play with other people


I don't know what can be done with you people. You'd think after so many years of reading just such a post, I'd know what happens next but I really don't.
Click to expand...
you will get pounced on for not helping poor clueless poster and everyone will hate you for saying all those mean things you said (true they are but still)and then litwar 3 breaks out.

*goes for the popcorn*
 
You know, I've been thinking to myself recently...

"I wonder what's going on with Lit these days? I should go start a war."
 
Thank you for the insights SirLeo and quietwoman. I am glad to know that there is understanding in the community and I am not the only one in this boat. As fearful of rejection as I am, I might try to be upfront about it, I just don't know how to start the conversation without feeling judged. But in a way, I don't feel like I want him to be the Dom in my life. We are truly committed and we will be having children together. I do not feel it is easy to manage the duality of sub at night/dom during the day when having a family and raising children. I might be also Madonna-izing (is there a term I am missing here, and do you get my idea?) my lover and do not want him to take up that roll.
 
purringlion said:
Thank you for the insights SirLeo and quietwoman. I am glad to know that there is understanding in the community and I am not the only one in this boat. As fearful of rejection as I am, I might try to be upfront about it, I just don't know how to start the conversation without feeling judged. But in a way, I don't feel like I want him to be the Dom in my life. We are truly committed and we will be having children together. I do not feel it is easy to manage the duality of sub at night/dom during the day when having a family and raising children. I might be also Madonna-izing (is there a term I am missing here, and do you get my idea?) my lover and do not want him to take up that roll.
Click to expand...

Actually, as long as you're conscious of the mother you want to be and the lover you wan to be, you'll be just fine. No one can really give you a blueprint. I am certainly still working it out myself, but it's not like you're going to be fucking in front of anyone else. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Take your time.

midwestyankee said:
And why, pray tell, have you not already posted said pictures for your fan club?
Click to expand...

I have a fan club? Ha ha. I posted a pic for a short time once, but I don't think I'll be doing it again. Besides, I might get a stern warning from JM. Oh wait, that's kinda hot... :p

Kajira Callista said:
mew :catroar:
Click to expand...

Ooh, KC attention. Hawt. *fans self*
 
intothewoods said:
Actually, as long as you're conscious of the mother you want to be and the lover you wan to be, you'll be just fine. No one can really give you a blueprint. I am certainly still working it out myself, but it's not like you're going to be fucking in front of anyone else. Relax. Enjoy yourself. Take your time.



I have a fan club? Ha ha. I posted a pic for a short time once, but I don't think I'll be doing it again. Besides, I might get a stern warning from JM. Oh wait, that's kinda hot... :p



Ooh, KC attention. Hawt. *fans self*
Click to expand...
purrrrrrrrrrrrr
 
Marquis, you seem to be annoyed and irritated that newbies like me come here and ask those existential questions you seem to have figured out. I appreciate forums like this because it is meant for people to converse and exchange ideas. Naturally people like myself gravitate to the conversations that are most likely to affect them personally and we all do this at different paces. I am happy to know this site exists where nobody will judge even if we talk about the most perverse sexual topic. I feel more people should come to this site because it will help them deal with their inner demons, and then realize they do not really have demons, but desires that others in this community understand. Thanks again for the contribution but as Kajira Callista alluded, you're not really being helpful.
 
Average Joe by day but when night comes I turn into the caped bedroom sub girl! Faster than a swinger to a gang bang, mightier than the most powerful vibrator, kinkier than Kajira Callista covered in honey and 20 dollar bills!

I would soooo totally look like cheetah from DC comics.
 
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