Looking to Improve

I've just finished a new story that is a COMPLETELY different direction for me as a writer. I was looking for a little constructive feedback, as most of the comments I receive are more along the lines of "can I see your tits?" or "that made me hard...want to relieve the pressure?"

Which, to be clear, both are a definite "no."

This is the first that isn't along the wham-bam-thank you ma'am variety of an erotica story. Don't get me wrong - I love 'em and enjoy writing them. But I wanted to try to write something with a story line and clear character buildup.

So if anybody feels like reading and commenting, I'd be much obliged.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=414376

"Curly," in Erotic Couplings.

Thanks much.

<3 Ellabee

I'm polishing up a story of mine at the moment, but I'll be sure to pop back in.

Just don't want you to feel ignored in the meantime

Don't want you to think I've forgotten ( Hey, anybody else can jump in here, dagnabbit! *laugh* )

I'm still pressed for time, and haven't had a chance to fully read the story. On a quick skim, there are a couple of things that I noticed.

One probably isn't actually an error/quirk/etc., it's the website's text processor. It changes em dashes from a lot of word processors into double hyphens. I get around this by doing a find/replace for the em dashes, and replace them all with the html code for an em dash:

—

When you preview the submission, the code will vanish, replaced by an em dash, and it will actually show up as a dash when the story finally posts.

The other things I noticed are some things that tend to pull me out of the story, and are often complained about in public comments, on the forum, etc. Odds are that there's a readership that prefers it the way you've done it, but they're a quiet bunch. Those who prefer it the other way are quite vocal.

Anyhow, they're just suggestions.

All Caps: To me, this should be saved for only the most primal of screams, or the angry voice of a god. The rest of the time, conveying strong emotion or loud volume through careful use of exclamation points, italics, and narrative is usually considered "more professional".

Trying to describe the sound rather than just using caps to punch it is also good practice to develop your writing.

Multiple punctuation ( !!!! and the like ) falls under the same banner, with the same reasons and alternatives. About the only time I use multiple punctuation is for a question asked with extreme emotion (?!)

Phonetic screams ( Aaaaaahhhh yeeeesssss ) fall in the same "pet peeve" category -- again with the same reasons and suggestions for alternatives. You get those with the peeves off your back by avoiding them, and it's good mental exercise.

That's just a few things that jumped out at me as I skimmed it ( really quickly )

I'll get back and actually read it as soon as I have a chance, to give any thoughts about the storyline, characters, etc.

ellabee said:

I've just finished a new story that is a COMPLETELY different direction for me as a writer...

Click to expand...

Ellabee - I enjoyed your story a good deal. I'll start with the sex scenes - very well done. I was able to visualize what was going on and they definitely turned me on, which is the objective right? If the sex scenes suck then there's not much point to reading the story, in my mind.

Like the other reader who posted, I don't much care for caps or a long drawn out "YEEEESSSSSSSSS", but I didn't think your uses of them were that bad. And you avoided my big petpeeve of using actual measurements to describe physical features (c-cup, eight inch cock, etc).

Your writing style is very enjoyable - light, with some humor mixed it. It kept me interested even when there was no eroticism. The characters are very believable. I felt like I knew them back in college.

The plot isn't anything too deep; it doesn't have to be but I guess my one criticism would be that a story should be able to stand on it's own. I realize you probably wanted to leave it open for more chapters, but I felt like there is a LOT (no caps right? haha) left hanging. Max is a player, so has he changed? Does Charlotte regret sleeping with him or is she satisfied with her conquest (or was she the conquest?) even if he never gives her the time of day later on? I guess a little continuation after the last scene would be nice, even if there are to be more chapters.

Anyway, those are my thoughts... I hope they're helpful. All in all, nice work! There's so much crap on this site that is barely readable because of all the typos and grammar issues. It was nice to read something that looked like it was written by someone who at least passed their high-school English class (and probably more than that!). So again, good job.

Sam

Thanks!

Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the feedback. I hope the typo wasn't a big deal - I do have a correction in the works that just hasn't yet been posted.

Your feedback was really helpful and I plan on implementing an updated version after the first edit goes through. I'll make sure to be more descriptive and take out the "oooooooooohs" and "ahhhhhhhhhhhhs"...

Sam, your feedback was interesting because I wasn't planning a sequel for Charlotte and Max. I left it vague on purpose. Their relationship, to me, is very complex. Max is a campus bad boy who seems to hold a special place in his heart for Charlotte, especially since she's grown into her skin a little more, discovered she can just be herself and be sexy. But I don't think it's appropriate for Max to do a complete about-face after one date and sexual encounter. I think that's against his character. And I think it would detract for the realism to have him be all "I love you!" at the very end.

However, I hate conclusions. HATE 'EM. I've never been able to write a good conclusion to anything...a term paper, a cover letter for a job, or an erotic story. Perhaps it's a cop-out.

I personally never finish writing anything...I see writing as a continual process, so I'll definitely take your comments into consideration. I'm going to ponder the ending, and probably alter it a little bit to make it more conclusive without being unrealistic.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I really appreciate your feedback.

<3 Ellabee

ellabee said:

Sam, your feedback was interesting because I wasn't planning a sequel for Charlotte and Max. I left it vague on purpose. Their relationship, to me, is very complex. Max is a campus bad boy who seems to hold a special place in his heart for Charlotte, especially since she's grown into her skin a little more, discovered she can just be herself and be sexy. But I don't think it's appropriate for Max to do a complete about-face after one date and sexual encounter. I think that's against his character. And I think it would detract for the realism to have him be all "I love you!" at the very end.

However, I hate conclusions. HATE 'EM. I've never been able to write a good conclusion to anything...a term paper, a cover letter for a job, or an erotic story. Perhaps it's a cop-out.

I personally never finish writing anything...I see writing as a continual process, so I'll definitely take your comments into consideration. I'm going to ponder the ending, and probably alter it a little bit to make it more conclusive without being unrealistic.

Thanks for taking the time to read. I really appreciate your feedback.

<3 Ellabee

Click to expand...

Ellabee - Thanks for responding. I could have sworn you were working on a second chapter, but I'm all for leaving it as a stand alone story. As for realism, I completely agree. I wasn't suggesting that Max should do an about face; that would be unrealistic. If I was going to add another couple paragraphs, I'd actually want Charlotte to run into Max a couple days later and have him blow her off (give her the cheesy smile and hug, but no further sexual contact). To me, that would be the ultimate realism. Back in college many, many guys that I knew (of course, never me) looked at particular girls as conquests and once they conquered them, they lost interest. This would fit Max to a T, at least as I read the character. Not that you have to write this in, just a thought...

As for Charlotte, she might be a little downcast about Max ignoring her, but she'd move on. Most women do. Live and learn.

Again, good work!
Sam

Ellabee,
I think your story is very realistic and I can completely identify with the characters! I knew plenty of Charlottes and, unfortunately, plenty of Max's back in college. What is it about us women that we get completely wrapped up in the Max's of the world. We know they're bad news, but we just can't get them out of our heads!? Argh!

And I loved the erotic bits. For some reason, there is something totally erotic to me about a woman using "dirty" words to describe her own anatomy. I've never used the word "snatch" to describe my V, but I loved it when you used it. It totally turns me on that as the heat gets turned up the language gets a little dirtier and rougher around the edges. When Charlotte said "Let's just fuck..." Oh my! haha...

So well done Ellabee

Erica

Hi ellabee,

I have limited time but I skimmed through the first part of your story and thought I'd offer a few comments. Most of what I have to say has been said to me, over the years, by editors and agents.

First off, I think you have a strong sense of storytelling, which is a good place to start from. Most of the issues are technical.

1. Tell me the roommate's name right away. You can use "roommate" once but after that, unless it is a character we'll never see again, give the reader a name.

2. "I mused to myself". Because what she has mused is in italics, I assume it is a thought, not dialogue, so you don't need to tell me it is being done to herself.

3. Avoid the use of the word "little" as much as possible. Most writers overuse this word. Even I am guilty and I make a conscious effort not to. Go through your text, and highlight every "little" you see, then try to remove all of them.

4. Too many "ly" words. "Magically", "adorably", "expertly", "wildly", "painfully", etc, etc. An editor would call this lazy writing. Find a better verb or a more interesting description. Use "ly" words only when absolutely necessary. Again, go through your text, highlight every "ly" word and try to remove at least 80% of them.

5. "It's empty," I mumbled, lamely. This should be "muttered", mumbled is more of a noise than words. And ditch the "lamely". The verb does a good enough job on its own.

That's all for now. As you can see, these are technical issues and easily fixed.

If you want more feedback, you should try putting up one of your stories on the Story Discussion forum. You will be expected to comment on other stories, if you want to participate, but I think you'll find the process worthwhile.

Keep scribbling!

Cheers,
Keroin

Thanks for your feedback!

Keroin, your comments make a lot of sense. I'm going to be much more aware of my word choice, so thank you for pointing out tangible things I can work on.

And I have now discovered the story discussion forum, so I'll be sure to haunt that as well.

Thanks to everyone who has commented - your feedback is greatly appreciated!