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Old 12-16-2013, 02:33 PM   #1
Cyndeveaux
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How to respond to a fantasy for b/f that was not a great experience for me

I fulfilled a fantasy, that involved a 3rd party, for my b/f however it wasn't the best experience for me. It was a dual fantasy, one part was for both of us, but the 2nd part was his fantasy. I have no regrets. I did it for him, but because I didn't enjoy it thoroughly, that fact seemed to have rained on his parade so to speak. I was honest about the experience. However, because it wasn't a positive experience for me, he said, made it seem like I was saying that his fantasy sucked. But that is NOT how I feel and told him so. The problem wasn't the fantasy but the person with who I chose to go with to make this fantasy come true. I was glad to have had the experience too. I think he's hurt in how the fantasy went for me. I did it FOR him, and wanted HIM to be happy. But because it wasn't a great experience for me, he's not happy.

Would it have been better to say it was nice and exciting and it felt good? I think saying that can lay a bad foundation for future fantasies. Since he'd think I loved it, he may want to do another similar fantasy down the road and I don't think that would be fair to myself.

I'd like input on how better I should/could have responded. And why can't he be happy that I fulfilled a fantasy, whether I got something positive out of it or not?

Any thoughts?

Last edited by Cyndeveaux : 12-17-2013 at 11:52 AM.
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:52 PM   #2
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His reaction sounds a bit immature, to be honest. Well, more than a bit immature, but I'll be polite. He seems to be rather insecure - that would explain why he seems to think that just because you didn't particularly enjoy acting out the fantasy means you think his fantasy "sucked".
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Old 12-16-2013, 03:53 PM   #3
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Your BF is an asshat. There is no law or rule that states that everyone enjoys the same kink.

Honesty is always the best policy. There is nothing more you can do if you've made it clear to him that your enjoyment has nothing to do with the validity of his fantasy.

Is it possible that choosing a different/better person and retrying the fantasy will work for you, or is this fantasy completely off the table now?
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:12 PM   #4
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I was all negative...

I didn't have much good to say according to him (which is likely true...the guy just didn't do much for/to me to make me enjoy it I guess). Thing is...a week prior, I asked him what if I don't get much from it..he said, then just say it wasn't your cup of tea. I should have JUST said that. But he asked if I enjoyed it and if I'd do it again, etc.

To the question of doing it again but with a different person, yes I'd consider that...no it's not off the table. But I have a hunch he won't want me to do it again considering my reaction to this time.

I just feel bad that I rained on his parade. I really wanted HIM to get some happiness or enjoyment out of it. I just hope I didn't do it for no reason in the end.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:16 PM   #5
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The only thing worse than not getting what you want, is getting what you want. That seems somehow apposite.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:48 PM   #6
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Your boyfriend sounds like an immature, selfish, dick head in this instance. I'm aware he may be lovely on all other fronts, but he's being a dick head.

You should not have lied or prettied up the truth for him, or changed how you have communicated with him. You've done nothing wrong at all.

It doesn't even sound like he's feeling guilt about involving you in an experience you didn't want or enjoy, which may explain douchey behaviour. It just sounds like he's self serving and pouty.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:55 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post
I didn't have much good to say according to him (which is likely true...the guy just didn't do much for/to me to make me enjoy it I guess). Thing is...a week prior, I asked him what if I don't get much from it..he said, then just say it wasn't your cup of tea. I should have JUST said that. But he asked if I enjoyed it and if I'd do it again, etc.

To the question of doing it again but with a different person, yes I'd consider that...no it's not off the table. But I have a hunch he won't want me to do it again considering my reaction to this time.

I just feel bad that I rained on his parade. I really wanted HIM to get some happiness or enjoyment out of it. I just hope I didn't do it for no reason in the end.
From what you've said, you tried something new that he wanted, for his benefit, and told him what he wanted to hear. You can't do any more than that, and if he can't handle it, then maybe he can't handle being in a mature relationship?

There may be more at play here, if you were shared with another guy, then there may be jealousy on his part, which he is masking with this feigned "for your benefit" crap.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post
I just hope I didn't do it for no reason in the end.
I would suggest that you reevaluate your relationship with your BF. It takes a very stable relationship between two people before additional players can be brought into the bedroom. It does not sound like your BF has the maturity for a relationship of any kind, let alone a poly-relationship.

Lastly, make certain that you are never pressured into doing anything that you don't want to do. The only thing that comes from this is resentment and heartache.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:56 PM   #8
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Your response to him is spot on. You HAVE to be honest with each other and that is especially true when adding another to the bedroom. The other key thing is who you choose for the 3rd party. Sounds to me like you didn't choose the right person for what it was you both were trying to accomplish.

Don't feel like you did it for nothing. Sex is ALWAYS a learning experience. If you didn't enjoy it this time, figure out what it was you didn't like, learn from that and maybe try again. Honestly, he should be happy you were willing to go through with such a thing in the first place.

Keep your head up, and best of luck
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:15 PM   #9
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Your instinct to be honest and NOT lay a foundation for future problems (fantasy, sexual, and relationship) was absolutely correct. You did the right thing; if your bf can't see and handle that, that's his lack of maturity and problem, not yours.

If I were you, I'd take this as an enormous red flag that's waving right in front of your face and seriously consider moving on to someone who does value honesty and is mature enough to deal with it. How serious is your current relationship? Is it worth going to couples therapy to sort out why his reaction is an issue? If so, and he's willing, you might want to try that. If it's not super serious and/or he's not willing to go to therapy (that's a big red flag right there, though, too), then definitely let it go and find someone who's better suited for a long-term relationship. I'm guessing we're all thinking that his reaction to your honesty, him going back on his word, and him going through with something you weren't excited about, are all good signs that he's not suited for a healthy LTR at this point. Relationships are tough enough without those things, so why set yourself up for absolute failure by continuing dating a person who isn't ready for a healthy relationship?

I'd also suggest only partaking in shared fantasies that could cause dissonance in the future. Sure, it's great to try new things and keep an open mind, but there's a big downside to doing something like playing with another person for your partner's sole benefit. I'm sure you're rationalizing it by thinking you're happy to make him happy, but your feelings in the aftermath are very valid and telling. Now if your partner wants you to say, pee on them, and that's not really your cuppa, but it's not going to make you feel one way or the other if you do it, then I don't see any harm in going for it. However, if your partner's fantasy is to degrade you or play with others, for instance, then it's a good idea to decline if it's not a shared fantasy. Hell, even if you're both totally gung-ho about something like swinging, it can still have unexpected, unpleasant effects in the aftermath.

It sounds like you have good instincts and should listen to them more closely in the future.
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Old 12-17-2013, 12:54 AM   #10
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I think it's normal to be unhappy if one's partner isn't happy. That doesn't at all mean the partner should pretend not to be unhappy. All it means is that together you come up for a plan for how you can both be happy in the future. Then you've dealt with the problem and can both move on to more cheerful thoughts.
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:03 AM   #11
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:31 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post

I just feel bad that I rained on his parade. I really wanted HIM to get some happiness or enjoyment out of it. I just hope I didn't do it for no reason in the end.
The guilt that women feel when things are not their fault always surprises me, your mind your body should not make it your guilt.
Your partner needs to 'grow a pair' and live with it without making you feel bad.
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Old 12-17-2013, 07:02 AM   #13
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Quote:
cyndeaveaux quoth:
i really wanted him to get some happiness or enjoyment out of it. i just hope i didn't do it for no reason in the end.
when you come right down to it, you make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time.

at the time, you took your bf at his word: what else could you have done? unfortunately, esp when it involves introducing another person in the bed, what people think they want and what they actually feel in the moment can be quite different. i've been there myself and yes, it was immaturity on my part.

i think that maybe while you might want to consider reminding him what he actually said prior. it could be what everyone else said, immaturity. but it also sounds to me like he was really wanting this to be a positive for both of you. and i think understanding why that might be is important.

ed
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Old 12-17-2013, 10:50 AM   #14
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I guess the first lesson is.. you should agree to try fantasies that make you both happy. If it's just to make one of you happy, it's destined to fail. That's an important thing to consider before you decide to line up another prospect.

It's also important to discuss whether this was a fantasy that you were supposed to experience together or if it's a lifestyle he wants you to enter with him. If it's just a fantasy that you can laugh about later, time will help. If not, he's just throwing a temper tantrum to get you to agree to try it again. It sounds like you are able to openly discuss your feelings with him - decide what YOU want and set the boundaries. It shouldn't just be about him.
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Old 12-17-2013, 11:49 AM   #15
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Ok..some of you are coming down hard. I have to make some corrections here. My b/f insisted that I don't fulfill the fantasy JUST FOR HIM. He said that a few times. That it'd be a mistake to do it for that reason alone. He was insistent about that too.

I have to make one thing CLEAR. My B/F did NOT PRESSURE ME INTO doing any of this. I did this on my OWN accord. I should have listened to him and not do it at all since it was for him.

I just felt bad that it didn't turn out as we had hoped. I left those details out and make him look bad. I made myself look better than I should have by leaving out those details and twisting it to make it me look so good and him not so good and that is not accurate. I'm sorry for misleading you all.

Last edited by Cyndeveaux : 12-17-2013 at 12:22 PM. Reason: Added important details
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:08 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post
Ok..some of you are coming down hard. I have to make some corrections here. My b/f insisted that I don't fulfill the fantasy JUST FOR HIM. He said that a few times. That it'd be a mistake to do it for that reason alone. He was insistent about that too.

I have to make one thing CLEAR. My B/F did NOT PRESSURE ME INTO doing any of this. I did this on my OWN accord. I should have listened to him and not do it at all since it was for him.

I just felt bad that it didn't turn out as we had hoped. I left those details out and make him look bad. I made myself look better than I should have by leaving out those details and twisting it to make it me look so good and him not so good and that is not accurate. I'm sorry for misleading you all.
My opinion and advice have not changed. He is still out of line for copping the attitude. And, I would still urge you to reevaluate your relationship with him, as this sort of thing is usually the tip of the iceberg.
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Old 12-17-2013, 03:47 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post
Ok..some of you are coming down hard. I have to make some corrections here. My b/f insisted that I don't fulfill the fantasy JUST FOR HIM. He said that a few times. That it'd be a mistake to do it for that reason alone. He was insistent about that too.

I have to make one thing CLEAR. My B/F did NOT PRESSURE ME INTO doing any of this. I did this on my OWN accord. I should have listened to him and not do it at all since it was for him.

I just felt bad that it didn't turn out as we had hoped. I left those details out and make him look bad. I made myself look better than I should have by leaving out those details and twisting it to make it me look so good and him not so good and that is not accurate. I'm sorry for misleading you all.
It's always the guys fault around here. It's usually a bunch of fat man haters just waiting to pounce. You need to make it up to him by doing it at least one more time, and acting like it was the greatest experience of your life. Sometimes lies are better than the truth.
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Old 12-17-2013, 04:48 PM   #18
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Reality not needed... Lets just BS everyone!

Lets see here. We have a woman who went AGAINST her BF's wishes and played out a Fantasy that HE had. SHE didn't have the same fantasy. She just decided it would be fun to play out one he had, FOR HIM. No one sees anything wrong with this picture?

So lets say his fantasy was watching a girl suck and fuck a BBC. The GF tells him she doesn't have that fantasy but she wants to do that so his fantasy would get done.

She explained that her BF told her Do Not take his fantasy and do it if she doesn't also have the same fantasy.

Cyn, you say your BF told you not to play out HIS fantasy FOR HIM. Is that about right? What right do you have to take HIS fantasy and play it out for him? You didn't have the fantasy. Just him. YOUR fantasy was to play out a fantasy HE HAD hoping it would go well and he would be happy about it.

It didn't go well. He's not happy about this because you went against his wishes by leading him to believe it was your fantasy as well so you could play out his fantasy. You found your BBC. You spent a few hours with said BBC sucking and fucking the guy. You came multiple times. Then tell your BF it was a negative experience.

I don't know where you people live but where I live if you go against your partners wishes and it doesn't turn out well.

YOU FUCKED UP and he has every right to kick your ass to the curb!

I do find it rather comical to see the responses on this thread though.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:17 PM   #19
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Move past it. You both have discussed it, and hopefully you are on the same page now so move on. Concentrate on the many possibilities that you both do enjoy and let it happen. Focus on the good once you have come to agreement on the less than perfect.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:31 PM   #20
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It's always the guys fault around here. It's usually a bunch of fat man haters just waiting to pounce. You need to make it up to him by doing it at least one more time, and acting like it was the greatest experience of your life. Sometimes lies are better than the truth.
Quite possibly the most moronic post I've read in the "how to.." forum. Lying is never, I repeat NEVER, better than telling the truth. Fat man haters ready to pounce? Judgemental much?
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:37 PM   #21
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Quite possibly the most moronic post I've read in the "how to.." forum. Lying is never, I repeat NEVER, better than telling the truth. Fat man haters ready to pounce? Judgemental much?
That would be the resident troll, don't pay him any attention, no one else does.

Not sure what planet EroticForYou is from either.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:38 PM   #22
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:45 PM   #23
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Quite possibly the most moronic post I've read in the "how to.." forum. Lying is never, I repeat NEVER, better than telling the truth. Fat man haters ready to pounce? Judgemental much?
No, he's said worse.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:48 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Cyndeveaux View Post
I fulfilled a fantasy, that involved a 3rd party, for my b/f however it wasn't the best experience for me. It was a dual fantasy, one part was for both of us, but the 2nd part was his fantasy. I have no regrets. I did it for him, but because I didn't enjoy it thoroughly, that fact seemed to have rained on his parade so to speak. I was honest about the experience. However, because it wasn't a positive experience for me, he said, made it seem like I was saying that his fantasy sucked. But that is NOT how I feel and told him so. The problem wasn't the fantasy but the person with who I chose to go with to make this fantasy come true. I was glad to have had the experience too. I think he's hurt in how the fantasy went for me. I did it FOR him, and wanted HIM to be happy. But because it wasn't a great experience for me, he's not happy.

Would it have been better to say it was nice and exciting and it felt good? I think saying that can lay a bad foundation for future fantasies. Since he'd think I loved it, he may want to do another similar fantasy down the road and I don't think that would be fair to myself.

I'd like input on how better I should/could have responded. And why can't he be happy that I fulfilled a fantasy, whether I got something positive out of it or not?

Any thoughts?
He needs to appreciate that you tried and appreciate your honesty. His reaction is immature to say the least.

What he should consider, but never will, is two things.

One not many women would try the fantasy(this is a porn board in r/l most women won't)

Two perhaps he should consider part of why the fantasy sucked is he made it suck and maybe he could do better.

I think you did the right thing. You tried, you did not like it, you told him so. Now he needs to get over it.
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Old 12-17-2013, 05:52 PM   #25
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psssst... Heres a hint....

Maybe just maybe she should tell you all her BF was 2000 miles away at the time?
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