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Old 12-15-2013, 10:46 AM   #1
CharlotteC
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Anyone have a cure for heartache?

I'm currently in my old home town and caught up with some old friends and the toppic of a former close friend (who I was hung up on for at least 4 years and possibly longer) came up, and I realised that even after having no contact for 3 years now I am still not over them.

Even though we where never actually together we where very close, kissed once or twice...

Feeling so depressed and lonely.

Anyone got advice for me to get over it?
It's never going to happen and I know that...
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Old 12-15-2013, 11:37 AM   #2
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1) As an exercise, make a list of all the things you don't like about this person (you might have to force yourself to do this, exaggerating/creating issues, since people who are in love tend to see no fault in the object of their attention).

2) Write down what you're feeling and why you're feeling it. Remember to point out why you think this person is amazing. Fold it, put it away under your pillow, give it a day. Then read it out loud to yourself. If what you've written doesn't sound ridiculous and misguided in your ears, or at least as if someone else wrote it, repeat the procedure.

3) Indulge yourself in self-destructive behavior (depression, eating chips on the couch, heavy drinking, crying yourself to sleep) until you grow sufficiently disgusted at yourself. At some point, you'll hopefully be able to will yourself to cut away this tender, feely part of yourself.

4) Find someone else who fills the hole inside you, and who is willing to give you the attention you need.
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Old 12-15-2013, 12:29 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tsotha View Post
3) Indulge yourself in self-destructive behavior (depression, eating chips on the couch, heavy drinking, crying yourself to sleep) until you grow sufficiently disgusted at yourself. At some point, you'll hopefully be able to will yourself to cut away this tender, feely part of yourself.
Just a word of caution...

While this is NOT bad advice, you've got to be careful with it as well.

Speaking from personal experience, growing 'sufficiently disgusted at yourself' and then being able to change that behavior into something more positive can be easier said than done.

Tread lightly.

But don't be afraid of a little self-indulgence either.

Good luck! You're not alone.
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:22 PM   #4
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What worked for me was to bury myself in things that I enjoy that didn't involve that person. Perhaps you have a hobby? Focus on that for a while. Enjoy yourself and realize that you can enjoy life without this person. Heartbreak is tough, but that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:33 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rozalin_0123 View Post
What worked for me was to bury myself in things that I enjoy that didn't involve that person. Perhaps you have a hobby? Focus on that for a while. Enjoy yourself and realize that you can enjoy life without this person. Heartbreak is tough, but that which does not kill us, only makes us stronger
Good Advice Roz.....Sometimes heartache is imminent. The best cure is probably the most obvious....time.....the heartache lessens with the passage of time. It won't go away entirely and unfortunately little things will remind you of the good times...Savor those memories and move on.
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:37 PM   #6
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:08 PM   #7
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Thanks for the advice all. After going to bed I am feeling a bit better

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rozalin_0123 View Post
What worked for me was to bury myself in things that I enjoy that didn't involve that person. Perhaps you have a hobby? Focus on that for a while. Enjoy yourself and realize that you can enjoy life without this person.
Trouble is I'm a long way from home amd don't really have anything to do here.
Also having spent so long being so in love everything abiut thhis town remings me of the time we did X... too many memories here.

I guss I'll just loose myself in some good old fashioned erotica :-)
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:29 PM   #8
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People say that time heals all wounds, but I think it's love that heals all wounds. Fill your heart with love, instead of bitterness or remorse. It doesn't matter who ... your family, a friend, even a pet. Let love guide your life. It's very difficult to be unhappy or depressed when your days are full of love.

Good luck to you
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:31 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharlotteC View Post
...

Trouble is I'm a long way from home amd don't really have anything to do here.
Also having spent so long being so in love everything abiut thhis town remings me of the time we did X... too many memories here.

I guss I'll just loose myself in some good old fashioned erotica :-)
Remember that the past is a different country. You may have returned to the town but it isn't the place it was when you left. You have moved on; so has the town.

I had the same problem many years ago. I left my home town to spend two years in Australia. When I moved back, some things seemed the same, but there was always a disconnection. Things had happened; friends had made new friends; former friends had new partners; the woman I had been writing to while I was away had become engaged and didn't think to tell me...

You should treat the town as if it is new to you. Look for activities that involve meeting people.

Instead of reading erotica, write some. You might exorcise the demons by putting your thinly disguised friends in unlikely sexual situations.
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Old 12-15-2013, 07:38 PM   #10
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"Time cures all wounds."

A friend said that in high school. I still try to remember that.

There's something called The End of History Illusion. It's the illusion that you are now the end result of your life, that you will never change. Here's another quote:

"We believe that we are going to live, love, and long for where, who, and what we are thinking about right now.

But the research says that it just ain't so.

This too is a transient state."

-Daniel Tomasulo

This feeling that you're feeling is purely an illusion. That should bring you some peace of mind.
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Old 12-15-2013, 11:28 PM   #11
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Thanks for the advice all. After going to bed I am feeling a bit better



Trouble is I'm a long way from home amd don't really have anything to do here.
Also having spent so long being so in love everything abiut thhis town remings me of the time we did X... too many memories here.

I guss I'll just loose myself in some good old fashioned erotica :-)
In that case I suggest finding someone new to make new memories with. You shouldn't focus so much on having lost what you had but rather remember the good times you had so you can move forward. Life is too short to dwell on the past.

Also writing as someone above mentioned is a good idea if you find yourself unable to find something to do that involves meeting people.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:03 AM   #12
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In that case I suggest finding someone new to make new memories with. You shouldn't focus so much on having lost what you had but rather remember the good times you had so you can move forward. Life is too short to dwell on the past.

Also writing as someone above mentioned is a good idea if you find yourself unable to find something to do that involves meeting people.
Informative at the least...maybe the ties that bind vary with deep ness of the emotions. No one really knows or can fathom how an individual really feels especially when one's heart is involved. Life's too short might be a wonderful philosophy....but when dealing with emotions sometimes it just comes up a bit short for me. The past can be a lovely visage also...friends, loved ones, memories and music...You can choose what you want to remember.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:35 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by oggbashan View Post
You should treat the town as if it is new to you. Look for activities that involve meeting people.
I like the idea of this always being a new town, and things have changed, just so many favorite places have memories of time spent together... but you are right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oggbashan View Post
Instead of reading erotica, write some. You might exorcise the demons by putting your thinly disguised friends in unlikely sexual situations.
I have tried before and one day might actually publish some.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AHornyMilf View Post
Life's too short might be a wonderful philosophy....but when dealing with emotions sometimes it just comes up a bit short for me. The past can be a lovely visage also...friends, loved ones, memories and music...You can choose what you want to remember.
Memories, friends, loved ones and especially music are always linked (at least for me). The times spent together are always spent with a playlist, even if it's just what the radio was playing at the time.

New (old) town, new music, new life, new love!

Thank you all for your advice. Even just sleeping on it I'm feeling better today.
I hope I can repay the kindnesses to everyone in time.
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Old 12-16-2013, 04:42 AM   #14
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CC, I hope you are doing well. It cannot be easy in your shoes but I trust you have your wits about you and are making good decisions. Matters of the heart are never easy regardless of the intentions and all the clichés are sometimes just that. So be well and take care of you.
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:05 AM   #15
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Only 3 years of no contact? Pshaw. I painfully made partner choices some decades ago that still leave me conflicted, and if I saw any of the others now, I would still be heartbroken. I almost fear the prospect of meeting any of them. Would sparks fly again? Would we run off together, trashing our current lives?

Decades of pretty happy marriage still don't insulate me from older loves. I just wrap their memories inside protective layers of time and distance and consequence, and go on with life.
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:22 AM   #16
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[quote=beingtrue2me;51909775I trust you have your wits about you and are making good decisions. Matters of the heart are never easy regardless of the intentions and all the clichés are sometimes just that. So be well and take care of you.[/QUOTE]

Thanks. Good decisions is a relative thing really, I think being here is helping and PMs are a good distraction (people know who they are!). At the least I'm not doing anything dumb...er than wasting time.

Quote:
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I painfully made partner choices some decades ago that still leave me conflicted
...
I just wrap their memories inside protective layers of time and distance and consequence, and go on with life.
I guess all of this is what I'm worried about too, but like so many things "keep your head down and move on" is so damn hard, but so vital too...
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:55 AM   #17
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I guess all of this is what I'm worried about too, but like so many things "keep your head down and move on" is so damn hard, but so vital too...
LIfe sucks, and then we die. Ay yi yi. Until then, we do the best we can.

About decisions: It can be kinda hard to tell the good from the bad at the time; might take years to see how things work out. I've lived a life of constant screw-ups and what at the time seemed like lousy-crazed-dumb choices. But now I find myself in a very good place. Maybe I'm lucky.

But if I ever see MM or PL or MS or KL again, everything could fall apart. Damn.
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Old 12-16-2013, 07:11 AM   #18
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I practiced psychotherapy for many decades, and am 65 years old.

Things never get better, we never get younger, and we rarely get what we want cuz we earned it or deserve it or collected enough coupons. Then somewhere along the way we embrace the great truth that life really isn't all its cracked up to be, and we check out. THIS TOO SHALL PASS is the human motto.
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Old 12-17-2013, 08:19 PM   #19
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I practiced psychotherapy for many decades, and am 65 years old.

Things never get better, we never get younger, and we rarely get what we want cuz we earned it or deserve it or collected enough coupons. Then somewhere along the way we embrace the great truth that life really isn't all its cracked up to be, and we check out. THIS TOO SHALL PASS is the human motto.
You sound like a bitter old man to me...
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Old 12-17-2013, 10:35 PM   #20
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You sound like a bitter old man to me...
You got it in one.

Well done.
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Old 12-18-2013, 12:16 AM   #21
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I practiced psychotherapy for many decades, and am 65 years old.

Things never get better, we never get younger, and we rarely get what we want cuz we earned it or deserve it or collected enough coupons. Then somewhere along the way we embrace the great truth that life really isn't all its cracked up to be, and we check out. THIS TOO SHALL PASS is the human motto.
You have to take Jim with a grain of salt. There's actually some truth in what he's saying.
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Old 12-18-2013, 12:17 AM   #22
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You got it in one.

Well done.
Hey Em, I ended up on this thread because I was looking for you. You know where I can find an erotic pic of Minnie wearing a Santa hat?
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Old 12-18-2013, 08:39 AM   #23
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Quote:
ladyver quoth:
there's actually some truth in what he's saying.
hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

ed
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Old 12-18-2013, 08:50 AM   #24
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Personally, journaling helps. Lets the mind run free, and allows those pent up memories a place to go (aside from rattling around in your head). I also tended to find that, on the days where those memories came back, there was something else bothering me.
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Old 12-18-2013, 09:05 AM   #25
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I'm currently in my old home town and caught up with some old friends and the toppic of a former close friend (who I was hung up on for at least 4 years and possibly longer) came up, and I realised that even after having no contact for 3 years now I am still not over them.

Even though we where never actually together we where very close, kissed once or twice...

Feeling so depressed and lonely.

Anyone got advice for me to get over it?
It's never going to happen and I know that...
Time. Time is the only thing that heals.

Also, I disagree with making lists of what you like and what you didn't like and all of that. There are likes and dislikes with everybody. The thing that helps healing is recognizing that everybody can get hurt in life and does get hurt in life. Fortunately, most people can eventually lick their wounds and bounce back.

In my long life, I've had many relationships, some proper, some improper. I've both broken up witn and been broken up by a variety of women. It almost always hurts one or the other or even both partners. However, as I look back 10, 20, 40 even more years, I can remember the good things, the funny things, the pleasurable things about these relationships and remember these women fondly.....even the ones who kicked me to the curb. There was something good in virtually every one of them even if they weren't "perfect". even if they didn't last, and even if they ended somewhat badly. One nearly ended my marriage and tried to fuck up my life completely, but now, 11 years later, I can still find some good things to remember about her and can laugh at some of it. I actually hope she's found peace and is ok, probably as a grandmother by now. Time helps us take a different view.

Hang in there. Let yourself feel badly for a bit and then just keep looking forward. Life only progresses in one direction.
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