Old 06-29-2010, 02:50 PM   #1
nerk
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dirty haiku

My challenge to myself. One dirty haiku a day.

Each will stand alone.
Each will be exactly 17 syllables long.
Each will feature natural imagery and some degree of smuttiness.

Comments and constructive criticism are welcome.

Anyone else who wishes to add a poem that follows these rules is welcome.
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Old 06-29-2010, 02:50 PM   #2
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oops ... and my first example:


as low clouds rumble
glistening lips glide faster
and the first drops fall
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Old 06-29-2010, 02:53 PM   #3
CharleyH
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
oops ... and my first example:


as low clouds rumble
glistening lips glide faster
and the first drops fall
Enh, it's a good start.
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:05 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
Enh, it's a good start.
my thanks for your praise
on this sweltering summer
day when I'm horny
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:32 PM   #5
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
Enh, it's a good start.
but is it haiku?
__________________

Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Annie submits
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Old 06-29-2010, 03:55 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
but is it haiku?
I like to think so.
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:06 PM   #7
Rayven101
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
oops ... and my first example:


as low clouds rumble
glistening lips glide faster
and the first drops fall
I agree - a great start. I love the last line.

Rayven
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I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. Oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I donít mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
ó AnaÔs Nin

Audio - The Wild One
http://www.4shared.com/audio/vCgmRwpJ/The_Wild_One.html


Audio - Bound
Bound.wma

Audio - Contained
Contained.wma

Audio - Ride
Ride.wma
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Old 06-29-2010, 04:13 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayven101 View Post
I agree - a great start. I love the last line.

Rayven
thank you much
I loved "Yours....." as well

(http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=716012)

even more now that I realize what a great title it is for returning a compliment
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:07 PM   #9
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
I like to think so.
well I'm no haiku expert in fact I find them incredibly hard and only did them when forced in Survivor, but thinking a form is right doesn't make it so lol
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:11 PM   #10
nerk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
well I'm no haiku expert in fact I find them incredibly hard and only did them when forced in Survivor, but thinking a form is right doesn't make it so lol
quite true
but I'm willing to take the risk
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:28 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
oops ... and my first example:


as low clouds rumble
glistening lips glide faster
and the first drops fall
i cannot call this haiku, but it has its own merits.
as for constructive crit, i'd suggest this'd work even better in the non-kuesque type form, even though i realise your purpose here is to adhere strictly to a 17 syllable affair so please accept this suggestion in the spirit it's intended - just a thinking aloud sort of thing:

low clouds rumble
lips glisten
as first drops fall
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What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:10 PM   #12
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
quite true
but I'm willing to take the risk
you could always rename to your own specifications as I did with my annikey!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
  Reply With Quote

Old 06-29-2010, 09:22 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
i cannot call this haiku, but it has its own merits.
as for constructive crit, i'd suggest this'd work even better in the non-kuesque type form, even though i realise your purpose here is to adhere strictly to a 17 syllable affair so please accept this suggestion in the spirit it's intended - just a thinking aloud sort of thing:

low clouds rumble
lips glisten
as first drops fall
I am being strict on my syllables, as that adherence is a part of the exercise, though I understand it does work differently in Japanese.

That said, it's a wonderful revision.
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:27 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
you could always rename to your own specifications as I did with my annikey!
no idea what an annikey is.
but if I persist in erroneously calling mine haiku, there's a chance that I will learn more about the form, if someone can tell me WHY instead of THAT they think this isn't.
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Old 06-30-2010, 04:15 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
no idea what an annikey is.
but if I persist in erroneously calling mine haiku, there's a chance that I will learn more about the form, if someone can tell me WHY instead of THAT they think this isn't.
i've pm'd you.

please don't stop posting up your pieces, though; i'm sure no-one here wished to disrupt your thread, and welcome to the poetry forum.
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What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...
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Old 06-30-2010, 08:31 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
i've pm'd you.

please don't stop posting up your pieces, though; i'm sure no-one here wished to disrupt your thread, and welcome to the poetry forum.
Thank you.

I don't see it as a disruption as much as a discussion, and one that I'm enjoying much more because of -->> http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm <<-- the link you PMed me. I hope you don't mind my posting it, but on the off chance that anyone reading was interested in the discussion, it has a lot to say on the subject.



AND it has erotic haiku.
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Old 06-30-2010, 11:53 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
Thank you.

I don't see it as a disruption as much as a discussion, and one that I'm enjoying much more because of -->> http://www.ahapoetry.com/haiku.htm <<-- the link you PMed me. I hope you don't mind my posting it, but on the off chance that anyone reading was interested in the discussion, it has a lot to say on the subject.



AND it has erotic haiku.
you're most welcome. and of course i don't mind the link being posted - i actually did post it previously here, so all's well and good.
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What strange machinery lies between her ears
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'tender hearted...
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:01 PM   #18
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let me use this one, from their site, as a prime example of modern-day ku using the old styles of the two quite separate images [holy ground/city folk on the beach] brought together by the third of shoes being removed and its implications; plus it gets in its seasonal reference [kigo] :

HOLY GROUND
CITY FOLKS ON THE BEACH
REMOVE THEIR SHOES
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What strange machinery lies between her ears
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'tender hearted...
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:20 PM   #19
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day two

the warm breeze ripples
both lake and skirt asking what
is hidden under
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Old 07-01-2010, 11:04 AM   #20
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day three

white lace covers the
mountains in winter and snow
drifts across her breast
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Old 07-02-2010, 05:33 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
the warm breeze ripples
both lake and skirt asking what
is hidden under
I like this one
__________________
I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. Oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I donít mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding."
ó AnaÔs Nin

Audio - The Wild One
http://www.4shared.com/audio/vCgmRwpJ/The_Wild_One.html


Audio - Bound
Bound.wma

Audio - Contained
Contained.wma

Audio - Ride
Ride.wma
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-03-2010, 01:20 AM   #22
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day four

stars hang distant in
the hot summer sky while I
dream of your kisses


(yes, it's past midnight. but it still counts)
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Old 07-03-2010, 01:23 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rayven101 View Post
I like this one

thank you

I was inspired by a bit from Hanif Kureishi that has stuck in my head for years:

Skirts, like theatre curtains later, quickened my curiosity. I wanted to know what was under them. There was waiting, but there was possibility. The skirt was a transitional object; both a thing in itself and a means of getting somewhere else. This became my paradigm of important knowledge. The world is a skirt I want to lift up.

even though he uses the word paradigm.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:59 AM   #24
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--------------
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:00 AM   #25
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day five

sunlight slashed by blinds
carefully seasoned bamboo
stripe her bare behind
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