LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Title thoughts & other ideas

EroticOrogeny

EroticOrogeny

Upthrust
Joined
Jan 10, 2009
Posts
2,266
Here is a different approach (by me) to a thematic erotic poem.
Do you find it erotic? Does it make sense?
I have a title or 2 in mind but want to leave it open for now.

Split spreads
Fluid floods
Surfaces sliding
And now colliding
Masses meeting
Thick slab thrusting
In trench deep
Fluids seep
Folds flowing
Features glowing
Bodies baking
Closely quaking
Sure to endure
Future suture
Union heats
The cycle repeats
 
Hi.
I pretty much makes sense. I know it's erotic but I don't really feel it.
I don't really care much for "list" poems.
It could be more interesting if you take some of your best phrases in this one and try a non-list poem. Just a suggestion.
 
I second Eve's opinion of list poems, they don't really tell a story, they just throw abstractions around and hope they make poetry. After that, though, I find the "gerunds" and other 'ing' words annoying ;) and unneccessary to the poetry. Knock a few off and you can hear the difference immediately. The narrative voice in the poem gains maturity, it seems or something anyway; for example:
Split fluid flood
surface slid now collides
a mass meeting thick slab
thrust trench deep​
See how the images begin to flow and work with the liquid words you choose in your poem? Make the piece sound like what you want to feel; another way of "show don't tell". Since the more senses the poet makes his audience involve to understand, the more the audience experiences the entire poem instead of only the bits they don't need to work for.
 
champagne1982 said:
After that, though, I find the "gerunds" and other 'ing' words annoying ;) and unneccessary to the poetry.
Click to expand...
I was hating those, too. Fortunately they're a very easy fix.

EroticOrogeny, what other poems do you have?
 
WickedEve said:
I was hating those, too. Fortunately they're a very easy fix.

EroticOrogeny, what other poems do you have?
Click to expand...
My poems are at Erotic Orogeny
Most of my more recently written poems have been for the Survivor Challenge. A couple more should be out shortly.
The others were written initially for my wife and might be considered porn - she does like them.

My remarks on the newer poems:
The Man WhoWasn't There I think I did a fairly decent job
Valentine Delights OK
Sensual Sentra limerick
Five Square Anniversary A mixed bag (I couldn't postpone our anniversary)
Mardi Gras somewhat along my earlier lines

The earlier poems are somewhat prosy, with a lot of alliteration and assonance.

Thanks WickedEve and champagne1982 for the feedback so far !
 
EroticOrogeny said:
My poems are at Erotic Orogeny
Most of my more recently written poems have been for the Survivor Challenge. A couple more should be out shortly.
The others were written initially for my wife and might be considered porn - she does like them.

My remarks on the newer poems:
The Man WhoWasn't There I think I did a fairly decent job
Valentine Delights OK
Sensual Sentra limerick
Five Square Anniversary A mixed bag (I couldn't postpone our anniversary)
Mardi Gras somewhat along my earlier lines

The earlier poems are somewhat prosy, with a lot of alliteration and assonance.

Thanks WickedEve and champagne1982 for the feedback so far !
Click to expand...

Is the Valentines delight for the challenge because it isn't a terzanelle?
 
Last edited:
EroticOrogeny said:
The earlier poems are somewhat prosy, with a lot of alliteration and assonance.
Click to expand...
Most of Still Sick is good. The alliteration works nicely.

I require rest, remaining rundown.
My romantic ramblings remain, reminding me recovery will return.
I wait and wonder when we will weave our worlds together.
Our malingering maladies may momentarily be memories.
Our sad sicknesses soon shall slip away with our love life liberated, living large and long.
 
WickedEve said:
Most of Still Sick is good. The alliteration works nicely.

I require rest, remaining rundown.
My romantic ramblings remain, reminding me recovery will return.
I wait and wonder when we will weave our worlds together.
Our malingering maladies may momentarily be memories.
Our sad sicknesses soon shall slip away with our love life liberated, living large and long.
Click to expand...

Isn't that a bit of over kill? The whole thing feels like a visit to The Alliteration Museum.
 
UnderYourSpell said:
Is the Valentines delight for the challenge because it isn't a terzanelle?
Click to expand...
Yes, for the 1st bonus. It looks like I missed the repeated lines part.
The previous lines would work, except the 'chocolate' line would be somewhat out of place to end the poem.
 
I know it's erotic but I don't really feel it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Such a nice, diplomatic contradiction.
Click to expand...
I know it's intended to be erotic/romantic/whatever, but it doesn't affect me the way a well crafted erotic poem would. Is that less of a contradiction?
 
champagne1982 said:
I second Eve's opinion of list poems, they don't really tell a story, they just throw abstractions around and hope they make poetry. After that, though, I find the "gerunds" and other 'ing' words annoying ;) and unneccessary to the poetry. Knock a few off and you can hear the difference immediately. The narrative voice in the poem gains maturity, it seems or something anyway; for example:
Split fluid flood
surface slid now collides
a mass meeting thick slab
thrust trench deep​
See how the images begin to flow and work with the liquid words you choose in your poem? Make the piece sound like what you want to feel; another way of "show don't tell". Since the more senses the poet makes his audience involve to understand, the more the audience experiences the entire poem instead of only the bits they don't need to work for.
Click to expand...
I'll give something along those lines soon, but lidar. gis dems first
 
Here's a new try

champagne1982 said:
I second Eve's opinion of list poems, they don't really tell a story, they just throw abstractions around and hope they make poetry. After that, though, I find the "gerunds" and other 'ing' words annoying ;) and unneccessary to the poetry. Knock a few off and you can hear the difference immediately. The narrative voice in the poem gains maturity, it seems or something anyway; for example:
Split fluid flood
surface slid now collides
a mass meeting thick slab
thrust trench deep​
See how the images begin to flow and work with the liquid words you choose in your poem? Make the piece sound like what you want to feel; another way of "show don't tell". Since the more senses the poet makes his audience involve to understand, the more the audience experiences the entire poem instead of only the bits they don't need to work for.
Click to expand...
Split spreads fluid floods
Surfaces slip and slide
Masses meet, now collide
thick slab thrusts in trench deep
folds flow, fluids seep
bodies bake, closely quake
future suture sure to endure
features glow, union heats
The cycle repeats
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

THROBBS
ABC Exhausting, though not Exhaustive
Replies
9
Views
7K
Sunlover102
Sunlover102
A
Wondering If This Is Worthy...
Replies
0
Views
567
AsylumSeeker
A
Back
Top