Being a submissive...

Hmmm...not to sure how to ask this and there are probably similar thread knowing my terrible researching skills, but I was basically wondering "what do you think it is to be a submissive or a slave?"

At the moment I'm an online slave, but i'm quite knew to it and i was just wanting to know what it actually means to be a slave or a submissive in real life to people who have or are doing it.

Also, i'm sorry at how vague this is, but if there's any information or tips about being a slave or a submissive that either i, or anyone else reading may find useful, i would be very greatful to know.

Sorry about the vagueness and rambling again, but thanks in advance....

marissa
xxxx

For some people (like me) online service is more dangerous than r/t because of the need to please and difficulty saying no. It can escalate and get overwhelming very quickly. There is also the very very real danger of being recorded so if you are doing things on cam you don't want found out by the world at large keep your face out of the frame.

i find the emotional connection much harder to fake in person. Its either there or it isn't. You can lie it into existence a lot easier online and even phone though hearing their voice does help.

What being submissive means to me in general is that i do what my dominant tells me to do. i don't do it as well long distance as i once did. i have lost some of that naive, hopeful obedience but in person i still am that girl that just wants to please and be used.

my personal opinion is that the person using you should care about you enough to do what is best for you but my relationships tend to be quite emotional and total. i don't really do casual well so if i'm going to be servicing random guys or guys i don't know well i really need an owner who does care about me overseeing and taking care of all that so i don't get hurt.

This kinda flies in the face of the whole personal responsibility thing and after being knocked around a bit i did finally figure out that it was my responsibility to choose my owner wisely, to value myself enough to find someone who also valued me.

Until someone owns you, you own yourself and you need to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe for your future owner.

"No" definitely needs to be part of your vocabulary.

Thank you Ataxia, "no" is deffinitely a word in my vocabulary and has been for a while, thankfully i haven't had to use it with my Master yet, he is very sweet and understanding.

In my opinion, a lot of what we have, at the moment anyhow, is emotion and the connection was made straight away, i guess i'm just lucky!

Thank you very much, i do apreciate it...

marissa
xxx

'No' can indeed be in your vocabulary...

... but be ready to say the Y word when you know who your Master is...

That is also very much in my vocabulary....

xxx

slavemarissa said:

Hmmm...not to sure how to ask this and there are probably similar thread knowing my terrible researching skills, but I was basically wondering "what do you think it is to be a submissive or a slave?"

At the moment I'm an online slave, but I'm quite knew to it and I was just wanting to know what it actually means to be a slave or a submissive in real life to people who have or are doing it.

Also, I'm sorry at how vague this is, but if there's any information or tips about being a slave or a submissive that either I, or anyone else reading may find useful, I would be very grateful to know.

Sorry about the vagueness and rambling again, but thanks in advance....

marissa
xxxx

Click to expand...

Lit's search function [often] leaves much to be desired, but the BDSM Library is stickied at the top of the forum, and is a good reference tool.

There are also a few books on the subject that give a decent "umbrella" view of the topic - The New Bottoming Book is a very easy beginner read.

As much as it sounds like skirting the question, in some ways I tend to think [submission/slavery] is a "you know it when you see it" sort of thing, mixed with the dynamics within that particular relationship... I think it's safe to say it involves far more everyday normalcy, than porn.

*chuckle*

Tips/Information - it's a journey and growth process that never ends... and hone your research skills. [not a slam; a personal life lesson]

Over_Lord said:

'No' can indeed be in your vocabulary...

... but be ready to say the Y word when you know who your Master is...

Click to expand...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_x83Z_nfHa4

CutieMouse said:

Lit's search function [often] leaves much to be desired, but the BDSM Library is stickied at the top of the forum, and is a good reference tool.

There are also a few books on the subject that give a decent "umbrella" view of the topic - The New Bottoming Book is a very easy beginner read.

As much as it sounds like skirting the question, in some ways I tend to think [submission/slavery] is a "you know it when you see it" sort of thing, mixed with the dynamics within that particular relationship... I think it's safe to say it involves far more everyday normalcy, than porn.

*chuckle*

Tips/Information - it's a journey and growth process that never ends... and hone your research skills. [not a slam; a personal life lesson]

Click to expand...

Thank you, i do deffinitely need to hone my research skills....another new years resolution to add to the list

i will have a look at the book, thanks for the recomenddation, i was actually just about to go onto the BDSM library..what a coincidence.

i know what you mean when you say it involves much more normalcy, when i first started, or just before, i thought it was just all to do with the sexual side of it, and now, i think it still is very much to do with it but there is a lot more to BDSM than i thought. It really is much more of a lifestyle than i thought it was. i really didn't realise until i joined lit, that it is a relationship in which the D and s can be married and with children, i know this sounds very shallow of me, but lit has helped me to understand more about what BDSM actually is...

**sorry, i just realised that my writing is becoming more of a homage to lit, i'll shut up now otherwise i should really staert a new thread..."Ode to Lit"**

xx

Relationships are relationships are relationships... doesn't matter if it's best friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, Lovers, F**k buddies, Man/Wife, Dominant/submissive, Master/slave... and irritating as it can be, Life marches on, regardless of dynamics.

There's a semi-decent BDSM book list on my blog if you'd like to do more reading (linked at the bottom of my posts). All of it's hotlinked to Greenery Press' website at the moment; I really do need to switch the code around to Amazon for ease.

I can't think of any better advice to give you than has already been given to you. Research and a continuing passion to learn and explore really is key.

I just wanted to say how nice it is to see how much lit is helping you (just like it helped me), and that I wish you the best, best, best of luck in your exploration.

I've answered questions like this at intervals since I joined Lit and my responses have evolved as my relationship with Master deepened and boundaries were reset. BDSM is a highly individualised thing and between consenting adults, submission and slavery are really whatever you decide they are.

The differentiation for me lies in how much scope for negotiation there is. When I identified as a sub, my Sir and I were both new to the lifestyle and there was a great deal of communication and learning - not without error. He rarely assumed that he knew my needs and limits and I had a safeword to use in play when it got too much, as well as the right to refuse things completely.

When we moved in together he became my Master and I became his slave. It was a natural transition for us that we both wanted but slavery is by no means for everyone, more of a niche within a niche. Now I have no safeword (save for specific medical reasons) and I do not have the right to refuse a request or command from him without good reason. He has power of veto over every aspect of my life and use of any asset I possess, whether physical, mental or material. My physical and sexual limits are set by him and he is free to include others or even take another sub/slave in the future. My life will be shaped and defined by his desires and goals and he has access to and use of me whenever he wishes. There is no concept of fairness or quid pro quo in our relationship, if he chooses to reward me or be lenient it is a gift and not my due.

Having said all this, I am not micromanaged. Master has no interest in telling me what clothes to wear or troubling himself with aspects of my life that I'm perfectly capable of running, such as finances. He accepts that my knowledge is greater than his own in some things and he values my opinion. We have times when I can speak more freely than others but he has a genuine desire for my welfare and happiness. I have a successful career, family and friends, a social life and Master interferes little with these things. So long as I negotiate the time I spend away from him, he's more than happy and by the same token, he needs time with his friends.

So I am a slave and that is how I define myself. I am very happy with my choice and Master is equally pleased with the way things have developed between us. I hope this wasn't too much of a ramble, I enjoyed the process of typing this post out and tweaking my 'slave' label.

I hope you enjoy your journey and find what's right for you. I have little experience of online service myself.

Velvet is a slave, I identify as a sub. However our lives do follow similar paths

Sir and I have been together for almost 5 years, and married for two of those. It is the second marriage for both of us. This is my first D/s relationship, and it is also His first having a "live-in 24/7" submissive.

I still have my safe word and I still have limits. However over time some of those have fallen by the wayside as trust and love have grown. I'm not micromanaged at all - there are much more important things to worry about and I'm quite capable of deciding what clothing to wear, although He will state a preference if we are going somewhere special.

Because He has health issues, including kidney failure and Type 1 diabetes, I am His full time carer. I'm also chief cook and bottle washer , financial wizard, gofer, dialysis nurse (we do haemodialysis at home 3 days a week), as well as sex slave and wife

On the outside, we probably look and act like any other married couple. I wear a silver choker as a collar, as well as wedding and engagement rings. The difference is that the dynamic is always in the background and when He wants or needs me I am there.

Thank you!

Thank you to all of you who have replied above and those who will respond in the future. This is my first (and possibly only) post but I wanted you all to know how much I, and probably a number of other lurkers, appreciate your wisdom and first hand experience. It means a lot for those of us who are just discovering our submissive side and are reluctant/shy to actually ask the questions.

What VelvetDarkness said was pretty much what I believe it is to be.
Fuck what all these definitions say what a slave is or submissive is.
You and your boy, mate, friend or husband have to work it out it out between yoursevles as to what you want it to mean.
It is definatly more sexy to have your man call you his slave when maybe you are just being "submissive" to him.
Why worry about the details. Live is short have fun.
Here is the one bit advice I will give you, is to have a definition set between the two of you set.
Otherwize, maybe one of you may say that this is what I need and exspect in a relastionship the other might not take it as seriously as the other.
They may think your just playing around having kinky sex. Then you bring your relationship further (marrage, kids) and they don't want to play the game anymore. Then you got problems.
Of course if your just fucking each other, go for it.

carrotchick said:

Thank you to all of you who have replied above and those who will respond in the future. This is my first (and possibly only) post but I wanted you all to know how much I, and probably a number of other lurkers, appreciate your wisdom and first hand experience. It means a lot for those of us who are just discovering our submissive side and are reluctant/shy to actually ask the questions.

Click to expand...

Pssst, carrotchick...

You are lurking love, on a totally anonymous forum. If you take the plunge and talk about yourself and your life, nobody will know and if you don't like the comments you get, you can tell us all to go to hell (or pick a new username). We don't bite... unless begged to... so why not be brave? You have nothing to lose. We're nobody... right?

Welcome to Lit and thanks so much for the positive feedback.

Being submissive to my Hubby, to me means to accept what the he wants and not superimpose my own expectation of what he should want from our D/s dynamic.

We are not M/s nor D/s 24/7 and even if I do not consider myself owned by him, he ends up being my first priority almost all the time.

The main word of advise I'd like to give is: enjoy the on-line relationship, learn as much as you can from it, and if and when you feel to move to real-life, be 10 times more careful than you were when you started out on-line.

There is no right way or wrong way to do it, and there is no perfect way to be a submissive (or a Dominant). We are all human, at the end, with limitation and imperfection, and we all have to deal with the curve balls that life throws at us.

Have fun and enjoy the journey.

Thank you so much to everyone who has helped/posted ect. it has deffinitely given me a lot more to think about and has given me a much better insight into the life of BDSMers. Thanks.

Also, i'm really happy that other people are benefiting from this, it took me a fair bit of time to start to post things but once you find something that you almost passionately believe and what to get your opinion accross it's easier, then it becomes a bit of an addiction lol...

So yeah, thanks for all of the feedback, i really do admire all of you who keep this lifestyle going, and who helpm us "newbies" to get our lives started...

marissa
xxx

In essence, submission in our sense means a willing yielding of power over oneself to another.

The reasons this is done are many and various but the BDSM leading candidate would probably be for psycho-sexual fulfilment.

The 'mirror image' - domination - exists precisely on the foundation of the same drive/urge.

Being a submissive

For me I realised i was a sub when a b/f at the time showed me some stories about this sort of thing and said you like this sort of thing too don't you?

He knew I did because he had seen how aroused I got being tied up and doing what he wanted. He even had a few times when we were out made me sit and he played with me under the table while his friends sat there.
I'd even orgasmed in those situations, and being in public I was so frightened but aroused.

That was the start for me.

I just like to be told what to do.To be spanked,knocked around and humiliated
and treated like the little slut that I am.

If you want my inexperienced two pence on the matter, being a submissive is about putting your trust in your dom and giving them the power to make your decisions for you. I personally am not really interested in "micromanagement" - stuff like picking what my sub eats or what she wears - but to each their own, I'm not about to judge.

Thanks everyone for giving this thread a new lease of life, i thought it had been forgotten about.

MisterSir.. i'm a bit confused. When you say that you want to make all the decisions for your sub, is that not the same as micromanaging? Do you sort of pick out the bits of her life that you control then?
Sorry.. just trying to understand...

Thanks again. I'm really loving this learning curve.

slavemarissa said:

Thanks everyone for giving this thread a new lease of life, i thought it had been forgotten about.

MisterSir.. i'm a bit confused. When you say that you want to make all the decisions for your sub, is that not the same as micromanaging? Do you sort of pick out the bits of her life that you control then?
Sorry.. just trying to understand...

Thanks again. I'm really loving this learning curve.

Click to expand...

Some people prefer the kind of control where there's no menu planning or micromanagement, but if I see my slave eating something tasty I have every right to yank it out of his hand and enjoy it myself if I wish, or ban candy, or feed him grape nuts and tuna in water for 2 days or whatever. The kind of decision making that comes down at random, rather than a lot of programming.

slavemarissa said:

Thanks everyone for giving this thread a new lease of life, i thought it had been forgotten about.

MisterSir.. i'm a bit confused. When you say that you want to make all the decisions for your sub, is that not the same as micromanaging? Do you sort of pick out the bits of her life that you control then?
Sorry.. just trying to understand...

Thanks again. I'm really loving this learning curve.

Click to expand...

He didn't say that at all, what he said was:

being a submissive is about putting your trust in your dom and giving them the power to make your decisions for you

Click to expand...

What he means by that is, a submissive should trust her Dominant enough to be able to give him that power over her life. In what ways and to what extent the Dominant chooses to use it... is up to the Dominant. So, yes he Dominant does pick and choose or takes total control.
NOTE:
But only after the submissive decides of her/his own free will , whether or not to give the Dominant that power and control.

Adakgirl said:

What he means by that is, a submissive should trust her Dominant enough to be able to give him that power over her life. In what ways and to what extent the Dominant chooses to use it... is up to the Dominant. So, yes he Dominant does pick and choose or takes total control.
NOTE:
But only after the submissive decides of her/his own free will , whether or not to give the Dominant that power and control.

Click to expand...

Oh ok
thank you for clearing it up..