Can you read through this passage and suggest alternative words, models, etc.?

I feel that this ought to be in the "How to..." section because it's a general discussion of writing technique(s?)... at least that's my intention... I really hope the moderators will let this thread stay in this section. Thanks in advance.

I'd like to ask you please to read the brief excerpt and tell me what kind of picture you get from it. I want to know if it creates the effect I want it to create... if it doesn't, please give me your suggestions...

The following is a brief excerpt from a "cuckold" story I'm working on... The story involves a young woman from India. She is nineteen years of age. She is a very sweet, demure, kind-hearted young woman. She's a loving wife. Her husband is infertile, and therefore asks her to sleep with another man to get herself pregnant. The young woman is initially unwilling, but after considerable persuasion, she does as her husband asks her to... The young woman chose the man from a "catalogue" containing photographs of potential sperm donors...

The scene I'm trying to describe below is the scene when they first come face-to-face... She hasn't even met with him in person until now... She waits for him in a room - the room where they will make love - and though she tries to stay calm, she is really scared... she is herself astoundingly beautiful, but sexually inexperienced... she is only nineteen years of age, and she grew up in a very sheltered environment, the daughter of loving but overprotective parents who were also fairly religious... I imagine such a woman would be more than a little apprehensive in such a situation... I imagine that it's possible for such a woman to have never explored her own sexuality until now...

It was a sight of truly astounding beauty, as she stood before him, naked from the waist up... her enchantingly beautiful face - such tender innocence in her eyes, yet such bewitchingly sensuous lips... her sweet young breasts, naked, so full, so shapely, in all their exquisite beauty, rising and falling, with her deep, excited breathing, the skin so smooth, so unblemished... bejewelled with such lovely nipples, so beautifully, proudly erect... long, slender arms, delicate hands... her waist so slender, widening out beautifully into her proportionally wide hips... her skirt was still on, wrapped around her legs - she was, in whole, a figure of intoxicatingly sensual beauty...

She stood, looking into his eyes with open-mouthed awe, seemingly paralysed with - was it fear? He towered over her - four inches beyond six feet - heavily bearded, with wild flowing locks, he was built like a tank - every muscle exercised, trained and sculpted to awe-inspiring perfection - his pectorals, abdominals, biceps, triceps - all so beautifully defined... he was a lion of a man - it seemed, the embodiment of smouldering virility...

She saw it in his eyes... raging lust? No, that wasn't quite right... rather, it was a veritable volcano of desire that he had for her... he wanted to consume her... all of her... and she wanted to be consumed... What she could see of him was astounding... As she imagined what she couldn't see, most importantly perhaps, the organ in his trousers, she seemed to forget how to breathe...

Now, he walked towards her, slowly... her breathing grew even faster and deeper, as he drew closer to her... both of them looking into each other's eyes... her mouth wide open... her lips quivering... her lovely breasts rising and falling with even more pronounced beauty... she was so excited, and yet she was so afraid...

Now folks, the questions:

1. Any grammatical errors? Any spelling errors? Any logic errors?

2. When I say "the skin so smooth, so unblemished..." is it clear that I'm talking specifically about the skin of her breasts? I mean, I have a bit of an obsession with women's breasts, and I just want to try and paint as clear a picture as I can of the scene as I've imagined it...

3. Is it correct to talk about her nipples "bejewelling" her breasts? I mean nipples aren't jewels, but I wanted to try and describe how every little detail of her appearance adds so much to her beauty... I wanted to describe how her nipples complement the fullness of her breasts... so is "bejewelled" a correct word to use?

4. "waist so slender, widening out beautifully into her proportionally wide hips..." How does it sound? I mean is it clear what that means? Does it sound at least slightly poetic? (which is how I want it to sound - poetically erotic)

5. I used "long, slender arms", and then "waist so slender"... but using the word "slender" twice doesn't sound very nice... any suggestions for alternatives?

6. "built like a tank" - I'm trying to describe how solidly masculine this guy is... what's your opinion? I want to hear especially from female readers... what do you think of the description of the man?

7. Can anyone suggest any male models that I can use to describe a solidly virile male character? The model I used here was French Rugby player Sébastien Chabal... (i.e. the description of the physical appearance of the male character in this story was based on Chabal)... I'd like to know what you think of Chabal, what you think of the description, and if you can suggest any other models for virile men.

http://i538.photobucket.com/albums/ff341/vaathsyaayana/Literotica/CHABAL_S_20070907_GH_R.jpg

As for the female model, I used images of glamour model Aurora Vaillantcourt... I think the female lead in my story would look enchantingly feminine, like Aurora Vaillantcourt, except that Aurora is of Caucasian ethnicity, whereas my female lead is of South Asian ethnicity, so she would have a darker skin tone, and black hair, but a beautiful body similar to Aurora's (especially her breasts), similarly wearing a skirt (i.e., at that point in the story, her skirt is still on). Also, I imagine she would look coy, perhaps blushing, rather than smiling seductively as Aurora does...

http://i538.photobucket.com/albums/ff341/vaathsyaayana/Literotica/SecludedSeduction14.jpghttp://i538.photobucket.com/albums/ff341/vaathsyaayana/Literotica/SecludedSeduction25.jpg



8. In the last part of this passage, I've described (or at least, I've tried to) the woman as feeling aroused and scared at the same time... I imagine that's how this young woman, who happens to be completely lacking any kind of sexual experience whatsoever, would feel, but can I ask, is it actually possible for a woman to feel arousal and fear both at the same time? Is it possible for a nineteen-year-old woman to have never explored her own sexuality? I've been led to believe that this is possible - from depictions of sweet, demure young women in fiction, but do such women really exist? (I realise I am myself pretty ignorant for a man of my age, but that's because I was myself raised in a very sheltered environment, so please enlighten me).

9. Let me say in advance, thanks ever so much.

Actually, How To isn't a writing-specific forum. While we do get writing/story questions here from time to time, you'll probably get far more responses if you ask LadyG to move this thread to Story Feedback or the Editor's Forum.

This thread could do with fewer photos (5 of the same woman is unnecessary) that have been shrunk to a more reasonable size (like 400 pixels at the largest dimension), too, IMO. A lot of people have smaller screens, access Lit with mobile devices and have slower connections, so by having a ton of GIGANTIC pics, you're probably deterring people from reading and responding to your thread. You can use Irfanview, GIMP or any number of online tools to crop and resize your photos.

It was a sight of truly astounding beauty, <she> stood before him, naked from the waist up... tender innocence in her eyes, with such enticing lips. Her sweet <youthful> breasts, so full, so shapely, in all their exquisite beauty, rising and falling with her deep, excited breathing. Her skin so smooth... bejewelled with such tantalizing nipples, so beautifully erect. Her long, slender arms, and delicate hands <leading down to> her waist, so slender, and <down> into her <beautiful> hips. Her skirt was still on, wrapped around her legs... she was a figure of intoxicatingly sensual beauty.

...

(sneaks in to be brutal editor of the moment) I've made notes in your paragraph in purple.



It was a sight of truly astounding beauty ((She was a sight of astounding beauty. Firstly, when you use -ly words... realize most of the time they can be cut without hurting your sentences. Give it a try. Secondly, keep it personal and don't use 'it'.)), as she stood before him, naked from the waist up... ((Just end the sentence here.)) her ((This therefore becomes the beginning of the next sentence)) enchantingly beautiful face - such tender innocence in her eyes, yet such bewitchingly sensuous lips... her sweet young breasts, naked, so full, so shapely, in all their exquisite beauty, rising and falling, with her deep, excited breathing, the skin so smooth, so unblemished... bejewelled with such lovely nipples, so beautifully, proudly erect... long, slender arms, delicate hands... her waist so slender, widening out beautifully into her proportionally wide hips... her skirt was still on, wrapped around her legs - she was, in whole, a figure of intoxicatingly sensual beauty... ((lalalalala runon sentence and someone inhaled a thesaurus. Okay, I acknowledge that this is a stylistic part of the genre of erotica, but nevertheless!

1) No ellipsises. That is not an appropriate use of ellipsises.
2) You don't need so many adverbs. That's the -ly words. You have "her skirt was still on, wrapped around her legs - she was, in whole, a figure of intoxicatingly sensual beauty..." I would suggest "Her skirt was still on and wrapped around her legs - she was, in whole, a figure of intoxicating and sensual beautiy."
3) Even better would be to remove the passive voice and work out several of those incidences of 'she was'. That keeps it passive and takes away from the moment. You could totally get into the guy's head. "Her sensual beauty intoxicated him and took his breath away."
4) Remember, she is not a list of qualities. How do these effect him? Whose perspective are you telling this story from? His? Hers? Both? The reader's? A watchers? She can be more than just beautiful with multiple words snagged from your local friendly neighborhood dictionary. Her beauty can take his breath away, leave him dumbfounded, make him want to slide his fingers up her skirt, blah blah blah. Qualities are good, but what do they DO?
5) But all in all, your descriptions are sound and suitable to your choice of genre: erotic romance--and I would simply work on removing the overwhelming 'list of attributes' feel to it. By this, I mean that I would break it into a few sentences that contain these same descriptions, as they are good and effective descriptions that cover what you were trying to cover... however, I feel you're overusing ellipsises, which should be used to convey a point OCCASIONALLY... when you could be using commas and semi-colons and emdashes--emdashes are fun... using all these ellipsises gives no time to breathe, however, and the use of them to run sentences together like this... should be occasional... rather than a frequent thing... because it's a very ginger stylistic thing to do, and you shouldn't delve into stylistic unless you're already confident that you can weave a sentence with proper english... but you didn't do it BADLY, it was just perhaps, a bit too much. Like this? I would leave some of them, as ellipsises can cause a 'breathless' feel in writing, however, likewise, you need to permit the reader time to breathe around the heady weight of words. Short sentences, woven amidst long ones, can really accent a paragraph.))

She stood, looking into his eyes with open-mouthed awe, seemingly paralysed with - was it fear? He towered over her - four inches beyond six feet - heavily bearded, with wild flowing locks, he was built like a tank - every muscle exercised, trained and sculpted to awe-inspiring perfection - his pectorals, abdominals, biceps, triceps - all so beautifully defined... he was a lion of a man - it seemed, the embodiment of smouldering virility... ((See, you keep going on with the same faults in sentencing. Your descriptions and choices of words are vivid and descriptive and they work, however, you mash too much into one sentence. Start breaking it up. You don't need to describe every attribute of a character in one sentence, broken up with emdashes or ellipsises. "He was built like a tank. Every muscle exercized and trained, sculpted to awe-inspiring perfection: his pectorals, abdominals, biceps, triceps all so beautifully defined. It seemed he was a lion of a man, the very embodiment of smouldering virility."))

She saw it in his eyes... raging lust? ((THIS is a good use of an ellipsis. Right there. "She saw it in his eyes... PAUSE, but not a break... raging lust? QUESTIONED, but still not broken off from the first half of the sentence.)) No, that wasn't quite right... rather, it was a veritable volcano of desire that he had for her... ((End sentence.)) he wanted to consume her... ((End sentence.)) all of her... ((End sentence) and she wanted to be consumed... What she could see of him was astounding... As she imagined what she couldn't see, most importantly perhaps, the organ in his trousers, she seemed to forget how to breathe...

((Like this, watch:

"She saw it in his eyes... raging lust? No, that wasn't quite right... rather, it was a veritable volcano of desire that he had for her. he wanted to consume her.

All of her.

And she wanted to be consumed.

What she could see of him was astounding. As she imagined what she couldn't see, most importantly perhaps, the organ in his trousers, she seemed to forget how to breathe..."

Do you see how the breaks alter the flow of the sentence? Rather than making it run together in a breathless flow of words, it allows for breath and capturing the fast, heart-pounding passion of the session. Those brief moments of short sentences let you both catch your breath and lead you in, breaking apart from longer descriptive sentences and getting into the heroine's MIND and FEELINGS.))

Now, he walked towards her, slowly... her breathing grew even faster and deeper, as he drew closer to her... both of them looking into each other's eyes... her mouth wide open... her lips quivering... her lovely breasts rising and falling with even more pronounced beauty... she was so excited, and yet she was so afraid... ((Same deal. Less ellipsises. But as I suggested the last paragraph have shorter sentences, in contrast, this ought to have lnoger. "As he walked towards her, her breathing grew even faster and even deeper. He drew close to her, both of them looking into each other's eyes. Her mother was wide open, her lips quivering, lovely breasts rising and falling with even more pronounced beauty. She was so excited, yet she was afraid."))




Ultimately, your descriptions convey probably what you wanted. They were spot-on for the genre, the right amount of dictionary words mixed with realistic words, not overly purple prose. You could do with less adverbs, less passive voice and more use of pronouns. I'd like to see more he and she. And I'd like to see less run-on sentences. Ellipsises and emdashes should be used for effect, not to seperate every single brief sentence in the paragraph.

Write confidently, your descriptions are good. If your descriptions, however, are irking YOU, I suggest you try to write from a single perspective rather than an onlookers, and write either from hers or his, and describe her from HIS point of view--not yours, not ours--or him from HER point of view. My only beef with your descriptions is that SERIOUSLY WE GOT THE POINT THAT SHE'S BEAUTIFUL ALREADY (explodes). But this is a beef I have with many romance stories.

Now to cover specifically the questions.




1. Any grammatical errors? Any spelling errors? Any logic errors?
-Yes. And I pointed out the writing errors as best I could, because honestly, your writing isn't bad, it could just serve to be presented a bit differently. You have professional choices of words, just not always sentences.



2. When I say "the skin so smooth, so unblemished..." is it clear that I'm talking specifically about the skin of her breasts? I mean, I have a bit of an obsession with women's breasts, and I just want to try and paint as clear a picture as I can of the scene as I've imagined it...
-Meh, if it worries you, simple: "her breasts so smooth and unblemished."



3. Is it correct to talk about her nipples "bejewelling" her breasts? I mean nipples aren't jewels, but I wanted to try and describe how every little detail of her appearance adds so much to her beauty... I wanted to describe how her nipples complement the fullness of her breasts... so is "bejewelled" a correct word to use?
-NO. IT IS NOT. That doesn't mean I'll stop you, it just means I'll clutch my head and scream. Because honest to goodness, you did so well avoiding tooooo much purple prose. I mean, I've picked up published novels that have made me attempt to carve out my eyes for all the flowery prose and though you can use, ah, words like 'bejewelled breasts' occasionally, to use them frequently screams of purple prose and is kind of annoying for some readers. Some love it. This is a bias thing on my part, and some people LOVE that kind of description. In the end, though, bejewelling is not a verb. You'd do better off to say that her nipples were like jewels on her silky soft breasts or something.



4. "waist so slender, widening out beautifully into her proportionally wide hips..." How does it sound? I mean is it clear what that means? Does it sound at least slightly poetic? (which is how I want it to sound - poetically erotic)
-Actually, it just sounds a bit medical... proportionately wide hips? Come on, just say she has curves. Proportionately sounds like you're trying too hard to insinuate she's not fat or anything. Relax. Also, this is an example of those adverbs I was talking about. You don't need two of them. "Waist so slender, widening out into her oh so slightly wider hips" or something. Beautifully is the word I'd remove, but proportionately makes me giggle, which is probably not what you want. It is poetic, though. I'm just a critical reader and seeing 'proportionately' makes me giggle. So do things like man meat or throbbing shaft or whatever.



5. I used "long, slender arms", and then "waist so slender"... but using the word "slender" twice doesn't sound very nice... any suggestions for alternatives?
-Narrow, fine, petite, minute, slight... I'd say slender arms and a petite waist.



6. "built like a tank" - I'm trying to describe how solidly masculine this guy is... what's your opinion? I want to hear especially from female readers... what do you think of the description of the man?
-Ahahahahahatanks. KERBLOOEY. Yeah, it works. Well, organ in his trousers also made me laugh because I thought of real organs, not, you know, man meat organs, but pianos.




7. Can anyone suggest any male models that I can use to describe a solidly virile male character? The model I used here was French Rugby player Sébastien Chabal... (i.e. the description of the physical appearance of the male character in this story was based on Chabal)... I'd like to know what you think of Chabal, what you think of the description, and if you can suggest any other models for virile men.
-Uh. Why does it matter? Personally, I think he's ugly. In the end, your readers will form their own mental images and it's best not to force a model down their throat. I think he's ugly and wouldn't be turned on thinking of him being the guy in your story at all. Your description certainly didn't make me think of that guy! In fact, I kind of thought of a character from Star Wars. Shoot me now.



And finally.

I'd like to ask you please to read the brief excerpt and tell me what kind of picture you get from it. I want to know if it creates the effect I want it to create... if it doesn't, please give me your suggestions...

Click to expand...

I am a woman of settings. So, here you go. My picture, for you... I'm afraid I have no time to draw... but a description waits.

"This is a room, it is a room made of red walls and golden curtains hanging gracefully around them, a room where she waits for him. She's waited here for half an hour and already the incense has nearly convinced her fear to fly away, it's soft and gentle and she isn't so nervous any more. She's only nervous when he walks in. Because he towers over her, he is huge compared to her tiny hands and slender arms and her long dark hair. Even his hair threatens to be larger than hers, because his hair is like a lion's. He's bearded, huge and he's there for her."

So, without any descriptions of setting and color from you, I perceived her as a woman with long dark hair and him with 'lion' hair, which meant he was blond to me. I saw her as having tanned skin and her hair nearly to her waist, and him substancially larger, towering and threatening but not EVIL.

But for me, the setting is very important. I don't care about her boobs so much as the setting, so I automatically filled one in, and it was red and gold with candles and a smell, and maybe even a bit smoky. You know where this came from? One choice of words from you. "Intoxicating".

So I supplied what, to me, made for an intoxicating ROOM.

Setting is important to me.

I gave her a white skirt because to me, she was supposed to be innocent--which is what I got from your descriptions. Unaware that she's intoxicating. And so, she needed a silken, soft skirt. In all due fairness I pictured him shirtless as well as she.

And half the fun, I might add, was filling in those details. You left just enough gaps that I could color them my way, and yet you still presented what you wanted, I think.

THAT SHOULD COVER YOUR FEW PARAGRAPHS, RIGHT?

Heh. I write for a living, though, so it's easy for me to go on and on and onnnn. Hopefully you, or someone else, learns something. Remember, all of this is my opinion and it's all hopefully to help you improve your writing. I think you have some lovely poetic descriptions going on and once you smooth out the sentence structure, you'll have simply gorgeous romance/erotica.

SweetErika, as you suggested, I requested that this thread be moved to the Story Discussion Circle, and here it is... I'll try and reduce the size of the images of Aurora Vaillantcourt... yes, it's the same woman in all the images, but she's in a different pose in each... to me, each of the pictures has a beauty of its own, and I wanted to present that here...

TheGrandChef, thanks ever so much for your comments, "sweet youthful breasts...", "enticing lips...", "tantalising nipples..." Thanks for those suggestions, I really liked them... it's so nice to have input like that...

Noira, Noira, Noira!!! What can I say? A BIG THANK YOU to you, for taking the time and the effort to give me all that feedback, I appreciate it HUGELY!!!!!! Thank you SO MUCH!!!

You could do with less adverbs, less passive voice and more use of pronouns. I'd like to see more he and she. And I'd like to see less run-on sentences. Ellipsises and emdashes should be used for effect, not to seperate every single brief sentence in the paragraph.

Click to expand...

I'll take that on board, but the bit that made me really happy was...

"This is a room, it is a room made of red walls and golden curtains hanging gracefully around them, a room where she waits for him. She's waited here for half an hour and already the incense has nearly convinced her fear to fly away, it's soft and gentle and she isn't so nervous any more. She's only nervous when he walks in. Because he towers over her, he is huge compared to her tiny hands and slender arms and her long dark hair. Even his hair threatens to be larger than hers, because his hair is like a lion's. He's bearded, huge and he's there for her."

So, without any descriptions of setting and color from you, I perceived her as a woman with long dark hair and him with 'lion' hair, which meant he was blond to me. I saw her as having tanned skin and her hair nearly to her waist, and him substancially larger, towering and threatening but not EVIL.

But for me, the setting is very important. I don't care about her boobs so much as the setting, so I automatically filled one in, and it was red and gold with candles and a smell, and maybe even a bit smoky. You know where this came from? One choice of words from you. "Intoxicating".

So I supplied what, to me, made for an intoxicating ROOM.

Setting is important to me.

I gave her a white skirt because to me, she was supposed to be innocent--which is what I got from your descriptions. Unaware that she's intoxicating. And so, she needed a silken, soft skirt. In all due fairness I pictured him shirtless as well as she.

And half the fun, I might add, was filling in those details. You left just enough gaps that I could color them my way, and yet you still presented what you wanted, I think.

Click to expand...

That made me happy because the picture you got was very, very close to the picture that I wanted to present (it's only different in little details like the colour of his hair, etc.). But it seems you correctly got, among other points, one of the most important details - her innocence. Yes, this woman is the embodiment of beauty and tenderest innocence.

Just a couple of other points though... you said that the mention of the "organ in his trousers" made you giggle... but can you suggest any other word for it? I thought of "phallus" and "member"... I really don't want to use "penis" (sounds too clinical - this is supposed to be an erotic story, not an anatomy textbook), and definitely will not use "cock", "dick", etc. To me, those words are crude and pornographic - they just don't convey any kind of aesthetic appreciation of the beauty of the human form. Generally, those words wouldn't fit into my writing (but there can be exceptions).

I'm a little disappointed that you think Sebastien Chabal is ugly. To be fair, I'd have to agree that without the facial hair, his facial features aren't very aesthetically pleasing, but I thought he looks, well... virile. He's tall (6'4"), well-built, heavily bearded, and the guy has a rich, bass voice - he seems like a guy healthy and full of testosterone - perfectly suited to be a sperm donor - and most importantly, I would imagine that such a man would be well-endowed, and that he would have an enormous sex drive, making him an excellent lover. Or could you suggest some other model?

And the other question - could a woman feel aroused and scared at the same time? Or would it be more believable to say that she feels afraid at the very first moment of their meeting, but the fear fades away, to be replaced by arousal? To me, I want this woman to be aroused, but I also expect she would feel afraid, because she feels vulnerable - I think she's a very tender person, very delicate. Would welcome your input.

Once again, thank you, all of you.

Regards,
Vaathsyaayana.

Vaathsyaayana, not that I mean to stroke your ego or anything along those lines, but it's been a pleasure reading not only your work itself but the thought behind that work.

Some comments:

- On a basic level, I have found that many women - and men - respond to things looking natural. For both sexes this involves being muscled in a non-bulky way. A footballer is a good choice of physique. The female model, who I'm finding it hard to stop staring at, is long-muscled and lean. Both physiques are good for the primeval move through the woods and hunting of prey. Over-muscled bodies, or overweight bodies in general, are seen as being dangerously less agile and with heavier footfalls. On a subconscious level that seems to be a means of sizing up a potential mate, something you may enjoy working into your story to give it another angle.

- "Member" over "Phallus." While phallus is out of common usage it is Latin, as is penis, and will therefore give you that sterile feeling you're trying to avoid judging from your objection to penis. Even if a reader isn't certain what a "member" is, the context will set the matter clear.

- Yes, it is possible for women to have strong emotions that would seemingly conflict with arousal at the same time that they are aroused. You may be thinking "afraid" when you mean "wary." The actions of the male character to put her at ease will determine which comes to the forefront.

I'd also like to just say thank you to Brazenfellow for his comments.

Okay, I'm going to try and take this scenario a little further...

"Sebastien opened the door and stepped into the room somewhat nonchalantly.

He then found himself very nearly unable to believe the sight that greeted him.

A petite, lovely young maiden, stood before him. Her skin a gorgeous golden tan, her flowing tresses richly black and lustrous, she was attired with nothing but a skirt wrapped around her legs - indeed, she was naked from the waist above.

The instant their eyes met, she let out a lovely gasp, reflexively flinging her arms over her bosom, desperately trying to protect what remained of her dignity.

He saw a look of alarm in her doe-like eyes, as she appeared to have forgotten to breather for several moments.

When she found her breath again, he saw that the rising and falling movement of her breasts had a divine beauty of its own, even with her arms indignantly drawn close over them.

Their eyes were still locked together - it was almost as if she found herself hypnotized by his gaze.

And so he drew slowly closer to her, still unsure whether he could believe his eyes.

She returned his gaze, her lips now parting, open-mouthed in awe at his imposing frame, every sinew on his form hewn, chiselled and sculpted to breathtakingly arrogant perfection.

Her eyes widened now, in wonderment as much as in fear, her glossly lips quivering beautifully.

When she noticed the bulge in his loincloth, his member tenting out unabashedly, the most gorgeous blush in the world came over her face."

Okay, so a few more points about the characters in this story...

The two main characters are Asha and Sebastien.

Asha is the female protagonist. She's from India. She's nineteen, she's beautiful, and she's really sweet, really innocent.

She has NOT been to university. She is a very sweet person, very talkative. I mean, she's the kind of person who seems to dislike silence. She rarely has any difficulty striking up conversations with anyone, even people she hasn't met before. But for once, in this situation - this is a situation she could never have imagined she'd find herself in - for once, she finds herself utterly speechless.

You could say she's a little naive, but in an endearing way.

She comes from a very sheltered background, and she feels that it's her duty to be a dutiful, faithful, obedient wife, and a loving mother. She has no higher aspirations, but she is very happy with things this way. In the story, we meet Asha just before she gets married - it's a match arranged by her family, the way things are generally done in India. She happily marries the man her parents have chosen for her. But to her shock, he asks him to sleep with another man to get pregnant.

Initially, she is unwilling to sleep with another man. She voices her objection to her husband, but when he insists, she feels she must obey him, and does as he asks her to do.

Sebastien - well, what do we know about his personality? Well... not a great deal, really... he's a "tough guy", a very virile man, highly libidinous... I don't think he's the kind of guy who has a very soft heart... I think he'd be cold and unfeeling, but to be honest, I'm not entirely sure... I'll have to explore this further and see where it goes... Incidentally, it appears that Sebastien Chabal is indeed seen as a sex symbol by some and here's another article in The Times...

Sujith - he's the third character in the story. He's Asha's husband. A loving husband, but I think he may be a cuckold fantasist. I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. He is infertile, but I think he would want his wife to sleep with another man anyway, I mean, even if he had no problems with fertility, he'd probably still want her to make love with another man, because he sees her as being divinely beautiful, very, very feminine, and he feels "unworthy" of her...

He admires Asha immensely - to him, Asha is not just a beautiful young woman, she is beauty itself. She is not just a pure young maiden, she is purity itself. Likewise, she is virtue, she is kindness, she is truthfulness, she is innocence, she is wholesomeness, and so on. She is the very embodiment of all that Sujith admires in women. He cannot believe his luck at being married to her, but feels that she deserves someone better than him.

He feels she deserves someone very masculine, and that is perhaps the most important reason why he initiates this whole affair.

.




So this was the image that came to mind when I thought about the scene described above:








He walks in, and that's what he sees.

Skirt wrapped around her legs.
Naked from the waist above.
Shapely, gloriously youthful breasts.
An exquisitely curvaceous, remarkably well-proportioned figure.

I'm aiming for the words to do justice to that beautiful image.



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Don't be so afraid of periods. When you are finished with a thought, end the sentence so your reader can take a breath. Can most of the colons and semi-colons and dashes and elipses. Write simple, clear, concise sentences. In your first sentence, follow the rules. 1.) An introductory clause must always modify the subject of the sentence. 2.) a pronoun always refers to the closest previous noun. Since there is no previous noun , there should be no pronoun especially "it" refering to "her". You can start with, "She was", because you are going to connect the dots later. "It" should never be used to refer to a set of ideas, and never to a person, but ony to a single item or idea.

At least you didn't connect everything with "and" lol. Good writing almost. Tighten it up. As one response already stated, an elipse should be used only in a bit of dialog in which one speaker interrupts another for exmple, or when information is left out of a borrowed quote.

I think you've gotten some excellent editing and writing tips already, so I'll keep mine brief.

More adjectives does not necessarily mean more description, especially if the adjectives are all synonyms or near-synonyms. You tell us she's beautiful many times, but not what she looks like. Does she have high cheekbones? A heart-shaped face? An oval face? A strong jaw? A full lower lip? Intense eyes, heavy-lidded eyes, big eyes, wide-set eyes? What color ore her nipples? Are her breasts more rounded, more teardrop shaped, set high on her chest, set low, set close together, set wide apart? If you had not mentioned in your description of the story in the beginning that she was Indian, I probably would have filled her skin and hair color in differently than what you intended.

You asked for issues with logical consistency, too. I like what you're going for here, the young, inexperienced woman with the older, virile man, but isn't the whole point of her doing this that she's married? So she can't be completely sexually inexperienced, unless their difficulty conceiving is that they have never had sex. Surely she has at least one sexual experience with her husband to prepare her. Were they a love match or arranged?

I'm sure you go into this in more detail in your story before you get to this point, but why, other than it's a fun fantasy, do they choose the unusual route of her having sex with someone else to get pregnant instead of the more traditional medical path? You refer to this as a cuckold story, so I assume it's because the idea turns her husband on. In that case, I could definitely see the young wife being excited about having a new sexual experience while getting the child she wants, attracted to the man she specifically picked out of the catalog, interested in pleasing her husband. At the same time, she's unsure, because she doesn't have much sexual experience, her donor is a total stranger, and she's afraid her husband will be all for this idea until it actually happens, then he'll be disgusted and it will ruin their relationship. Women's arousal isn't all that different from men's. If you can be aroused by something and have other thoughts and feelings at the same time, so can she.

Details details details

Like stlgoddessfreya I won't cover ground that's already been covered. The detail that I would nitpick would be the descriptive word 'tank'. What do you think of when you think of a tank? Does it in any way bring to mind a nicely built man? For me the answer would be a big no. A muscle car yes, a tank no. Tanks are angular, heavy and slow and translating those things to a man does not make an attractive picture. A muscle car on the other hand is sleek, fast and built for power. In most cases they are attractive as well.

When using comparatively descriptive words, really think about the thing you are comparing to and look at it objectively. I'm guessing you were only thinking of big and strong when you thought tank. As there are many other ways to think of a tank, as my immediate thoughts of a tank show, you'll want something that won't also have negative connotations.

Happy writing

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Thanks for the feedback.

Big wide doe-eyes.

Breasts set high on her chest, definitely. Set close together, definitely. Full and shapely. “Rounded” – yes, but that sounds like a very “technical” description, and that’s why I’m not sure I like that word. But definitely breathtakingly pert, proudly youthful breasts, yes (she’s nineteen). It's perhaps ironic that several women are envious of her remarkably well-proportioned figure, but she seems to have no interest in showing off her body!!

Qualities that best describe her
• innocence,
• purity
• tenderness,
• vulnerability
• immaculacy

I thought of a face like Alexis Bledel. The point being she has a face that looks really sweet, gentle and innocent.
The protagonist of this story would have a South Asian skin tone, of course.

They are newly married. Six months, maybe even less. Her husband has erectile dysfunction. They’ve never had sex.

Oh, it was an arranged marriage!! I’m so impressed you thought about that!! Flattered, too!

She’s very sweet-natured, but I’d say she’s very, very naïve when it comes to sex.

Her husband is an extremely intelligent man, and with perhaps a filthy mind. He knows just how to manipulate her.

Our female protagonist probably doesn’t fully understand why her husband wants her to do this. She wants to get pregnant, but she doesn’t realize that she has married a cuckold fantasist, i.e. she doesn’t actually realize that this happens to be one of his sexual fantasies.

She trusts her husband, perhaps too readily for her own good!

She only agrees to do it because she believes it is her duty to obey her husband. So when her husband first mentions the idea, she is shocked. She respectfully tries to tell him that she feels it is inappropriate for her to be intimate with another man. Her husband tries hard to talk her into it, but reasoning with her doesn’t seem to work. So eventually, he “orders” her, and she respectfully states she will obey him. However, she actually feels afraid.

The “stud” is provided by a company that provides a “natural insemination by donor” service as a commercial enterprise. Our female protagonist is invited to look through the catalogue. Her husband permits her to have her choice in this matter, at least.
When she sees an image of a man whom she actually finds attractive, she just stares at the photograph in the “catalogue”. She doesn’t even realize what she is feeling, only that the image of this man is unexpectedly tremendously pleasing to her eyes, and she continues to gaze at the image, apparently lost for words. Her husband understands what she is feeling. He is even impressed with her choice. He speaks on her behalf and formally submits a request for the man to perform the siring. The contract is signed. Part of the fee is paid there and then, with the remainder to be paid upon completion of the insemination procedure.

The impregnation/love-making is formally scheduled to take place eight weeks later.

Our female protagonist starts to feel a heavy sense of trepidation. Eight weeks of nerve-shredding uncertainty. The thought of getting deeply intimate with a stranger scares her. She feels helpless. On a few occasions she thinks of begging her husband to call it off. But she reminds herself each time that it is her duty to obey her husband.

The day of the impregnation arrives. She feels so scared and totally helpless. Her husband drives her down to the facility where the impregnation will take place. She is dressed in a beautiful red dress.

When they reach the facility, she is welcomed by two female attendants, who are much older – in their late forties. They are very kind-hearted. They’ve seen many young women like her, but she is the most beautiful young woman they’ve seen, and also the most frightened. They are kind and gentle. They give her plenty of gentle reassurance. They adorn her long black hair with flowers, and give her a pair of beautiful earrings to wear. They give her a skirt and show her to a dressing room/cubicle.

She undresses, and attires herself with the skirt. She opens the cubicle door and steps outside nervously, with her arms across her breasts, as she tries desperately to guard what little dignity she has left. The attendants tell her she looks beautiful. They walk her up to “the room” (where the impregnation will take place). The room also has a large mirror. They tell her “go on, take a look at yourself, sweetie…” and leave her.

She steps into the room, and they shut the door behind her. She does take a look in the mirror, dropping her arms to her sides, gazing at herself in the mirror – particularly her gloriously beautiful bosom, and she is indeed astonished to see how enchantingly graceful she looks. It is only then that she begins to feel the first signs of sexual arousal (although she does not fully understand what she is feeling at that point).

After waiting about half-an-hour, or perhaps a whole hour, she then hears some footsteps, and a deep, powerful male voice outside. Her heart is pounding – hard.

The door opens slowly. Her heart is now in her mouth. The stud steps in.

It is only at this point that the anxiety and fear she has felt over the past eight weeks are being rapidly chased away from her mind, and she starts to feel increasingly sexually aroused, to her own great amazement.

She feels so many emotions her mind is in a jumble. Where previously the overwhelming emotion was anxiety, now the overwhelming emotion is excitement – sexual excitement – and nothing else seems to matter.


I remember, the image I posted above - the first time I saw it, it gave me an erection.

I'm hoping that my work is good enough that anyone reading it will get an erection too.




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You've already had loads of good grammar advice - adverbs should be used sparingly, avoid ellipses and don't overdo adjectives - so I'll just comment on the story.

First, it is not a cuckold story. A cuckold is not aware of his wife's infidelity but you seem to imply he is implicit, in fact a driving force, in searching for a surrogate to father his child.

Avoid the Loving Wives category; this is not for loving, romantic stories of couples. From the extract you posted, I would suggest Erotic Couplings - even Romance - as more appropriate.

Noira gives great advice but no-one has mentioned dialogue. I think you need to have a discussion with the husband who wants a child then later with the surrogate to allow you to develop emotions between the three of them.

She is young and needs to be handled gently by both men. Your concentration on the surrogate's physical attributes jars a bit.

Y'all might want to check the posting dates - this thread is more than five years old, so I doubt the OP is going to see your feedback.

The OP was the one who revived it, under a different username.

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stlgoddessfreya said:

The OP was the one who revived it, under a different username.

Click to expand...

May I ask, how did you arrive at that conclusion?







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stlgoddessfreya said:

The OP was the one who revived it, under a different username.

Click to expand...

D'oh!

Bramblethorn said:

Y'all might want to check the posting dates - this thread is more than five years old, so I doubt the OP is going to see your feedback.

Click to expand...

Careful. You really get shat upon when you point that out.

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Thanks so much for the feedback.

elfin_odalisque said:

First, it is not a cuckold story. A cuckold is not aware of his wife's infidelity but you seem to imply he is implicit, in fact a driving force, in searching for a surrogate to father his child.

Avoid the Loving Wives category; this is not for loving, romantic stories of couples. From the extract you posted, I would suggest Erotic Couplings - even Romance - as more appropriate...

Click to expand...

How about if I call this "Pregnancy By Male Surrogate" or "PBMS"? Perhaps that would be a more neutral description of this genre?

One thing I've realised only recently, is that this this type of story should probably have seven sex scenes - they have intercourse every day for a week, I believe this is the way to maximise the likelihood of a pregnancy?

elfin_odalisque said:

...no-one has mentioned dialogue. I think you need to have a discussion with the husband who wants a child...

Click to expand...

If I could find the time to sit down and write this story in detail, trust me I will be paying attention to dialogue and emotions...

The husband wants both - he wants his wife to get pregnant, AND wants this sexual fantasy. I don't know whether he would actually watch his wife having sex with this other man, or whether he would sit outside and listen to her moaning, whimpering and squealing with pleasure (I've got another PMBS story idea, which is about humiliating the husband, and in that story the husband is forced to sit outside and listen, his heart breaking as he listens to his wife moaning in pleasure as she has sex with another man, but THIS story is not about humiliation, so I don't know yet whether this guy is going to watch or listen), but I expect he will do one of the two.

elfin_odalisque said:

...then later with the surrogate to allow you to develop emotions between the three of them...

...concentration on the surrogate's physical attributes jars a bit...

Click to expand...

Sebastien Chabal was a deliberate choice as a model. He is tall, broad-shouldered, with a heavily muscular frame, heavily bearded and long-haired, with a sonorous bass voice. He has a heavier build than Rocco Siffredi, who is also muscular, but Siffredi has a "leaner" build than Chabal. However, I only intend to use Chabal as a physical model, i.e. the stud is not going to be just a "fictionalised version" of Chabal. The stud character will have a different name.


Personally I thought the stud wasn't going to have any emotions - I saw him as a wild lust machine, with barely-controlled violent tendencies. The idea was to have these two people who were in good contrast to each other - a stud who represents the pinnacle of masculinity and virility, and a woman who is the embodiment of graceful femininity. The stud is tall and powerfully built, the woman is petite and delicate. The stud has strength, vigour, wildness, immense power, ruthlessness and even brutality, the woman has gentleness, kindness and tenderness. The stud has unbridled and unabashed lust, the young woman is very innocent, wholesome and chaste.

elfin_odalisque said:

...She is young and needs to be handled gently by both men...

Click to expand...

Yes, she's nineteen. Very, very innocent and sweet-natured, but naive. She has no idea that her husband is living out one of his sexual fantasies. She has absolutely zero control over the situation. The important decisions are not for her to make - they are made by people around her. She obediently does as she is told to do. She is delicate and vulnerable. The thought of being intimate with her husband filled her with a lovely shyness, and the thought of being intimate with another man fills her with sheer fear, and perhaps something bordering on disgust. When her husband "finalises" the plan for her to be intimate with another man, she respectfully agrees to obey him, but she feels frightened and defenceless. She feels scared, afraid, fearful, but perhaps not terrified.

Over the course of the seven sex sessions, she gradually gets over her initial fear, and gets to feel more comfortable, and enjoys the sex even more, but I don't think she develops any feelings of romantic love for the stud. She remains blissfully oblivious to his "dark side" (i.e. is unaware of his violent tendencies) and perhaps begins to see him as a friend, but she definitely remains very much in love with her husband.

I believe her husband will be real careful how he handles her... the stud, however, will be rough at times - I mean, literally - he is quite well-endowed, may well cause a little bit of pain...... I just don't see him as the kind of guy who will be very "sensitive"...

So, yes, to me, her innocence and her feeling of vulnerability are very important to this story.

Let me just mention, I think the epilogue of the story sees the couple going out somewhere on a shopping trip, with the young woman delightedly and proudly showing off her baby bump.






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Is it possible to change the title of this thread to more accurately reflect what the story is about?

The thread title could be changed to something along the lines of "Erotica from India: Pregnancy by male surrogate"


I mean, the themes here are:

• Inter-racial sex (a woman from India with a Caucasian man - as in several of my stories )
• pregnancy by male surrogate
• First time (kind of)
• Sex with a stranger (kind of)

Also, India is still largely a "conservative" country, with widespread "prudish" attitudes towards matters concerning sex and sexuality, where pre-marital and extra-marital sex would be considered extremely immoral behaviours. This is all the more reason why I like experimenting with the themes of women from India having sex with Caucasian men - to me, it's interesting in SO many ways .


So I thought of a thread title along the lines of "Erotica from India: Pregnancy by male surrogate".

That way, people who aren't interested in stories with characters from India, will avoid coming into the thread and being annoyed at me for wasting their time.

The only problem is, I wouldn't know what title to use when I write my next story with a similar theme - but then again, maybe I could call it "Erotica from India: Pregnancy by male surrogate: Story 2" or something along those lines.

So would be deeply grateful if the mods/admins would change the title of this thread, please...




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Renaming Thread

I don't think renaming your thread here is necessary, especially considering how old it is. The advice you got a few posts up about the kind of story is which of the Literotica categories you should submit this to if you finish it and publish it.

For a really great look at what can happen if you classify your story a way that doesn't get to the readers you really want, take a look at this thread:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1028430

Personally, I'd submit it as non-con/reluctance. The two main character interactions you're describing here are her husband ordering her to undergo the surrogacy process to secretly fulfill a fantasy he hasn't told her about and her ongoing timidity and trepidation with the surrogate.

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stlgoddessfreya said:

I don't think renaming your thread here is necessary, especially considering how old it is. The advice you got a few posts up about the kind of story is which of the Literotica categories you should submit this to if you finish it and publish it.

Click to expand...

The thing is, I haven't completed this story. Right now, I'm just trying to flesh it out and make the basic idea as richly detailed as I can, with characters and emotions, etc., so it feels like it really happened.

I'm grateful for all the input received so far, and I'd love to have more.

stlgoddessfreya said:

Personally, I'd submit it as non-con/reluctance. The two main character interactions you're describing here are her husband ordering her to undergo the surrogacy process to secretly fulfill a fantasy he hasn't told her about and her ongoing timidity and trepidation with the surrogate.

Click to expand...

I'd also just like to mention, she is afraid until the moment she comes face-to-face with the surrogate in person - at their somewhat unorthodox first meeting . From that point forward, the fear is gradually replaced by excitement.

During their first sex session, he gives her four orgasms in total. After the first three orgasms, her fear is gone completely. Maybe a little bit of embarrassment remains, which also gradually fades away over the next couple of sex sessions.

When all the sex sessions are eventually over, she just looks back and realises that the experience was actually pleasant (and pleasurable ), rather than being the kind of traumatic ordeal she had been worrying about.

I mean the point I'm trying to make is that yes, she is afraid of what might happen, until a point just before sex actually starts, but not afraid all the way through the story. So at the start of the story, yes she is reluctant, but some time very shortly just before the start of the sex, she starts to feel a sense of excitement. I think her excitement starts probably from the moment when she walks out of her dressing room/cubicle with nothing but a skirt on, i.e., "naked from the waist above". That excitement increases when she beholds herself in the mirror, increasing further when she hears the voice of the surrogate just outside the room, about to enter, etc.

And in the epilogue, she is going out on a shopping trip with her husband, or maybe having a party at her home with her husband, receiving guests, or in some such relaxed, pleasant situation, where she delightedly and proudly shows off her beautiful baby bump.



So I'm not entirely sure if non-consent/reluctance is the best category/genre to put this story into. But I'm willing to be corrected on that...


I doubt I'm ever going to find the time to complete writing this story. That would take way more time than I have. I'd be delighted if someone else would take over this story and complete it or develop it further.


And I'd like to know - does anyone (apart from me) find this story arousing? I don’t think I’ve had much feedback on this point.
Or perhaps you don't find it exactly arousing, but maybe you find the story interesting nevertheless?
I mean maybe the female protagonist seems like a character that you care about?

elfin_odalisque said:

...She is young and needs to be handled gently by both men...

Click to expand...

I liked that comment – gives me the impression you care about this character as much as I do.

So feedback on the above-mentioned points would be appreciated...




And I'm a little puzzled that a few people have expressed the view that Sebastien Chabal does not seem like an interesting model for the surrogate... who else would you suggest??


So the reason I wanted to change the title of the thread was because I was hoping to use the thread as a "scrapbook", where I might note down some ideas now and again, and develop the story further, or get other people interested in the story idea. Awkward to do that with the current title.









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