Old 11-22-2008, 09:56 PM   #1
needaminx
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Should I continue??

I'm looking for feedback on my first ever submission, just to see if I should continue. So far the story has been viewed many times but no public comments. Would appreciate what you have to say, good or bad....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=393780
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Old 11-22-2008, 10:50 PM   #2
emap
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Needs to be longer.

In all seriousness I have some around here somewhere I think, maybe it was thrown out again.

It's a good start, your not doing the see this hot chick with 32-26-32 measurements we look at each other and run to the bathroom or alley for a fuck without even asking names first. Your not getting much feedback because what you got there is something of a pre cursor, there's no sex just the hint that there will be sex soon. Most people don't comment on that, they gotta get to the hanky panky and then comment on if there was a thank you ma'am or not.

You had good detail, and lack of detail, less is generally more descriptions of a body generally are best when there is less. Quick warning, if you continue to not describe the guy you will get complaints. I do the same thing with my stories, rarely do I mention what I looks like and some don't like that and want you to do it their way. Just ignore them and keep doing it your own way.
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Old 11-22-2008, 11:10 PM   #3
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Talking Many thanks

Quote:
Originally Posted by emap View Post
Needs to be longer.

In all seriousness I have some around here somewhere I think, maybe it was thrown out again.

It's a good start, your not doing the see this hot chick with 32-26-32 measurements we look at each other and run to the bathroom or alley for a fuck without even asking names first. Your not getting much feedback because what you got there is something of a pre cursor, there's no sex just the hint that there will be sex soon. Most people don't comment on that, they gotta get to the hanky panky and then comment on if there was a thank you ma'am or not.

You had good detail, and lack of detail, less is generally more descriptions of a body generally are best when there is less. Quick warning, if you continue to not describe the guy you will get complaints. I do the same thing with my stories, rarely do I mention what I looks like and some don't like that and want you to do it their way. Just ignore them and keep doing it your own way.
Thanks for the feedback, I was beginning to wonder if I were the only one out here tonight. Thanks also for making your feedback constructive, I half expected to receive a few "it's rubbish" responses and nothing else. It was my intent to avoid the "lets run to the bathroom" scenario, I suppose I was aiming for the erotic rather than pornographic but that really is all in ones own perception. I am a little confused by your comments regarding the level of detail and would appreciate your clarification to that point. Thanks for letting me learn form your expertise.
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Old 11-23-2008, 03:59 AM   #4
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What I mean is your not doing a police report on what she looks like, what he looks like and what anyone else having a major part of the story looks like. You touch on a couple things and let the reader fill in the gaps.
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Old 11-24-2008, 04:14 PM   #5
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It works

...but you need to build the tension and think about where you intend to take this. I look forward to more of your endeavours.
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Old 11-25-2008, 10:12 PM   #6
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Quote:
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...but you need to build the tension and think about where you intend to take this. I look forward to more of your endeavours.
I thought I was building tension, taking the story slow and not straight into boy meets girls, humping ensues. As for where I am taking it, hmm, you may have a point in that I have no long term structure mapped out, it just came to me without thought or planning. I'll work on that. Thanks.
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:42 PM   #7
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I think as i writer you have great potentional and from what i have read your technically gifted. Although i got a real sense of tension and feeling from your story i think it would benefit from having more humanity in it. I would love to get to know the character more, who he is so that i can relate to the feelings he has.

Just my opinion and i hope i didnt offend. It was very romantic
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:55 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silvastormcloud View Post
I think as i writer you have great potentional and from what i have read your technically gifted. Although i got a real sense of tension and feeling from your story i think it would benefit from having more humanity in it. I would love to get to know the character more, who he is so that i can relate to the feelings he has.

Just my opinion and i hope i didnt offend. It was very romantic
Thanks for the feedback, I doubt there is a way you could offend me but thanks for trying if you did I'm a little surprised that you want to relate to the man in the story, I would have expected you to want to relate to the woman so you could indulge yourself as her. I appreciate your help, my writings are limited to this one and a few more that I am yet to publish. Literotica didn't spur me to write, true life and fantasy did and I'm in the stage of asking is Literotica where my stories will be appreciated.
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Old 11-25-2008, 11:58 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by needaminx View Post
Thanks for the feedback, I doubt there is a way you could offend me but thanks for trying if you did I'm a little surprised that you want to relate to the man in the story, I would have expected you to want to relate to the woman so you could indulge yourself as her. I appreciate your help, my writings are limited to this one and a few more that I am yet to publish. Literotica didn't spur me to write, true life and fantasy did and I'm in the stage of asking is Literotica where my stories will be appreciated.
I hope the answer is yes. And personally i like to relate to all the characters in the story, espeically when your using the first person
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Old 11-26-2008, 12:04 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silvastormcloud View Post
I hope the answer is yes. And personally i like to relate to all the characters in the story, espeically when your using the first person
Well I'll be sure to write the next one with you you in mind, a wall flower growing behind a screen, aching to be set free to roam the garden, enjoy he sun and the wind but trapped behind the glass.

Perhaps I will publish the others I have written already, that will engage you to comment and free my constrained spirit.
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Old 11-26-2008, 10:05 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by needaminx View Post
Well I'll be sure to write the next one with you you in mind, a wall flower growing behind a screen, aching to be set free to roam the garden, enjoy he sun and the wind but trapped behind the glass.

Perhaps I will publish the others I have written already, that will engage you to comment and free my constrained spirit.
I will be looking forward to it greatly
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Old 11-26-2008, 10:13 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silvastormcloud View Post
I will be looking forward to it greatly
One with you as the starlet? I'll see what I can do...
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Old 11-28-2008, 01:53 AM   #13
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More

I've submitted a couple more old stories....much in the same vain as my initial one....thoughts??
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Old 12-03-2008, 12:19 AM   #14
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A new story is born....

see my signature for a link to my latest story, your thoughts and feedback are desired....
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