Broken Hearted - my online Dom is furious with me

Hello,

I am looking for other submissives who have gone through a painful break with their Dom (either irl or online). My online dom found me logged into lit chat with my husband...we were inviting others to tell us what to do to one another. He was enraged and accused me of lying, though about what I am unsure. And now he has vanished. His e-mail address has been disabled and his cell phone has been cancelled. I am bereft and not sure how I will ever recover. He was such a gentle and understanding Dom, and he was truly in my head and my heart. I cherish the fact that I have his voice forever, but I am lost without him. Any suggestions about where to go from here? Please refrain from suggesting that I "get back in the game"...I cannot imagine doing that now.

I should mention that I am happily married and that he was constantly encouraging me to channel my sexual energy into my marital bed. And so I thought that he would view my hubby and I "playing" online as a positive thing; I honestly thought it would please him that we were being adventurous. Sadly, I could not have been more wrong.

Any advice from other compassionate and caring Doms out there? What did I do wrong? If he does come back, what do you think he'll expect from me? I have written a series of stories based on our online and phone experiences and the fantasies that we built together. I'm posting them on lit as a beginning to my penance. This is another task that I promised him that I would do and I am determined to follow through with it, even in his absence.

Thank you all in advance for your advice and insight,
*smiles*

"crying_blue_eyes"

I'm distracted by the election, so I'll have to come back tomorrow. But you're not alone. Online Doms disappear. It sucks.

Perhaps he viewed your inviting others to tell you what to do as the basis of your lie. Perhaps he figured that was for him to tell you. It is only a guess. I hope you find solace soon.

Seek perspective...

Crying,

When you've opened yourself in such an emotionally laden way, you're especially vulnerable and the pain must seem unbearable.

But do your best to find some perspective any way possible.

First, way too many "doms" here on Lit, particularly those who have no interest in r/t are fakes.

This individual clearly wasn't in it to support you as his sub or he wouldn't have responded as he did.

His response was intensely self-centered and disrespectful. Just because your submissive, don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Also don't get jaded or write yourself, these needs, this site or other doms off because of this one clown. (Yes, that's the proper term as he's a Bozo but clearly not a real or experienced Dom.)

Others here will reach out and help you through this. While there are too many fakes, there are also many extraordinary people here. Let them help you through this so you can find your way to open yourself again at some point to someone who can be everything to you that you, and your husband want and need.

What you present together is an extraordinary rare gift and he's a damned fool to have rejected it as he did.

K

akuyim said:

Perhaps he viewed your inviting others to tell you what to do as the basis of your lie. Perhaps he figured that was for him to tell you. It is only a guess. I hope you find solace soon.

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This was my thought as well. However the fact that he threw a hissy fit and has disappeared makes me think he wasn't as gentle and understanding as he seemed.

Plus he has left you feeling confused and lost and wondering what you did to warrant his reaction. Obviously there's been a communication breakdown, but as he's pulled a disappearing act it's unlikely you are going to find out.

If you are as happily married as you say, perhaps it would be better to forget about playing online with so-called "Doms" and concentrate on developing a D/s relationship with your husband. If you need ideas, the library here has wonderful resources

You will find another.

I am so sorry that you have been hurt in this way. Sadly there are too many people who like to play at being Dom online without any care for the feelings of those they are playing with.

You have your husband and thankfully from what you say that is a good, strong relationship and I hope that you can lean on your husband as you recover from the pain you are suffering.

I was wondering if your husband might be interested in dominating you - I am making an assumption here based on your post - it seems that you are not interested in 24/7 but in scenes and maybe that could be something your husband and you could share.

I honestly believe that the man who was presenting as your on-line Dom was not what he pretended to be and that you have been hurt but are better out of it.

Take care of yourself and your heart. Be careful who you trust it with in the future. I wish you well and hope that you and your husband both find whatever it is that you seek.

Be good to yourself and allow yourself to grieve the loss of what you had in your heart. You will recover, especially with the love of your husband.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and empathy. I am slowly coming to the realization that he was perhaps not what I thought he was.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I can't seem to stop thinking about him, yearning for one more chance to talk with him. Maybe it is as simple as the need for closure and a proper goodbye. I guess I am just still shocked that he didn't treat the goodbye with the care that I thought our past intimacy deserved.

I am trying to channel my energy into my marriage. It is hard though; I wish I could talk with him about it all, but I don't dare.

I welcome the opportunity to talk about this further with Dominants and submissives who can relate. How do y'all balance online "virtual" relationships with real life relationships? Especially when the real life ones are happy? It is such a dichotomy to have a happy marriage and still have this burning need for the online domination.

Anyway, thanks again. I feel blessed to have found this community of people at this time in my life.

*smiles*
crying_blue_eyes

crying_blue_eyes said:

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and empathy. I am slowly coming to the realization that he was perhaps not what I thought he was.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I can't seem to stop thinking about him, yearning for one more chance to talk with him. Maybe it is as simple as the need for closure and a proper goodbye. I guess I am just still shocked that he didn't treat the goodbye with the care that I thought our past intimacy deserved.

I am trying to channel my energy into my marriage. It is hard though; I wish I could talk with him about it all, but I don't dare.

I welcome the opportunity to talk about this further with Dominants and submissives who can relate. How do y'all balance online "virtual" relationships with real life relationships? Especially when the real life ones are happy? It is such a dichotomy to have a happy marriage and still have this burning need for the online domination.

Anyway, thanks again. I feel blessed to have found this community of people at this time in my life.

*smiles*
crying_blue_eyes

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I have a very happy 20+ year vanilla marriage to the love of my life. I also have a
3+ yr LDR with my Dominant. It started on-line but we do see each other in person also.

My husband has no interest in being my Dominant or in BDSM. I have no interest in submitting or bottoming to him. I don't want to change the way our marriage and sex dynamic is , it works and works well.

My husband knows and apporoves of my Dominant. Before I committed to my D/s relationship certain solid agreements were made between all of us. Number 1 was that our families came first, including spouses. My Dominant said he would not prevent me from having sex with my husband whenever hubby and I wanted. My husband understood though that even though we were into wifesharing before, that was going to end. My sex life outside of my marriage was to be controled by my Dominant.

There were other agreements also, but my point is that yes, you can be happily married and have a on-line D/s relationship but you have to have rules/limits/agreements set up from the beginning so you each know what to expect.

I had a brief but intense on-line relationship with a man before I met my Dominant. It ended when he suddenly disappeared. He had said he was going to phone the next day and never did. No emails, no Ims nothing. It hurt not because I was in love with him but I need some sort of closure, a discussion of why a relationship end. I accepted it and moved on, sort of. Every week or so I would send him a quick "hi, how are you" IM. After about 6 months he finally answered back. I got an explanation. I didn't want or need anything else and we haven't talked since.

I am sorry you are hurting. It will get better. << HUGS >>

crying_blue_eyes said:

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and empathy. I am slowly coming to the realization that he was perhaps not what I thought he was.

My biggest problem at the moment is that I can't seem to stop thinking about him, yearning for one more chance to talk with him. Maybe it is as simple as the need for closure and a proper goodbye. I guess I am just still shocked that he didn't treat the goodbye with the care that I thought our past intimacy deserved.

I am trying to channel my energy into my marriage. It is hard though; I wish I could talk with him about it all, but I don't dare.

I welcome the opportunity to talk about this further with Dominants and submissives who can relate. How do y'all balance online "virtual" relationships with real life relationships? Especially when the real life ones are happy? It is such a dichotomy to have a happy marriage and still have this burning need for the online domination.

Anyway, thanks again. I feel blessed to have found this community of people at this time in my life.

*smiles*
crying_blue_eyes

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First {hugs}. I can easily relate to your pain and confusion.

I have a happy marriage, strong and solid. Hubby is my Dominant, but due to where we were in life, last year I had a short lived, yet sweet and intense on-line relationship. They were different and fulfilled different part of my needs.

Unfortunately due different circumstances I had to call the end of it. It was still one of the hardest break up I had to live through.

Is your husband interested in exploring BDSM with you? If so perhaps you can get your submissive needs met by your husband.

At any rate, as I said, the two relationship on-line and real life, fulfilled different needs I had. So it is not so big of a dichotomy that you are happily married and wanting something else too. It does not work for everybody and not always. There need to be a strong understanding on the part of the on-line Dominant of his boundaries and your life priority (mainly your marriage). As for your husband, personally, I share everything with mine so I could not have the on-line relationship as a secret. But I also know that there are many people that they don't care as far as they "don't know", so I am not giving an opinion either way on it. You know what works best for your marriage (full disclosure or not).

One more thing. Also in your mind there have to be a strong understanding of the boundaries within which your on-line relationship has to stay to not damage your happy marriage. There will still be spill out and potential issues that my cause disruption in your marriage, so communication, communication and some more communication will be needed.

As for the Dominant that unceremoniously dumped you? If that is all there is to the story, you are better off without him. Still, you'll have to mourn the loss, but you'll get over and learned something in the process.

akuyim said:

Perhaps he viewed your inviting others to tell you what to do as the basis of your lie. Perhaps he figured that was for him to tell you.

Click to expand...

This is what I would assume as well.

In my own relationships, I am the one that gives the orders. Seeking such guidance from others, under virtually any sort of circumstance, will be looked on unfavourably by me. As a result, I can certainly understand why he would be angry if he's anything like I am.

--

KinkyRascal said:

First, way too many "doms" here on Lit, particularly those who have no interest in r/t are fakes.

This individual clearly wasn't in it to support you as his sub or he wouldn't have responded as he did.

His response was intensely self-centered and disrespectful.

*snip*

What you present together is an extraordinary rare gift and he's a damned fool to have rejected it as he did.

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What the fuck? While I won't argue with the statement that too many are fakes, what strikes you as "fake" about this? Why all this blame towards the PYL? What the hell did he do, except get lied to, and his control ignored?

This sort of play was not explicitly allowed, I assume, or the OP would have mentioned that fact. Asking other people to tell you what to do is offering yourself up as a plaything and submissive to others. In this case, random other people in a chat room. In a sanctioned and controlled environment, it could be a humiliating/liberating scene. Doing it on your own turns it into some sort of circus.

What you see as an "extraordinary rare gift" was being offered out on a random chat room to passersby. What is rare about that?

I'm not trying to crap on the OP when she is feeling badly, but this "submission is a rare gift" stuff is claptrap. Submissiveness is a personality trait. If you're submissive, it is as much a part of you as your hair colour. And it is not particularly rare. Lots of submissive people out there. Dominance is no special gift either, as there are plenty of forceful people out there. The special part lies solely in the functional beauty of the dynamic created together.

I can find an ass to beat anywhere. The rare part is the person attached to that ass that inspires me to keep them.

In this case, the pyl went completely outside her established dynamic, and invited control from outside parties. I get zero impression from her post that this was an accepted behaviour. Calling the PYL a fake because he got angry when his control was ignored and his submissive went outside their dynamic is ludicrous. Ask the wife who is angry because her husband cheated on her if she is a fake.

--

To the OP, I hope things improve, but don't set your heart on this fellow returning. Trust is difficult to build, and a hundred times more difficult to rebuild once shattered. Consider it a lesson hard-won, and try to move on.

I've been there. I didn't know if I'd done something he viewed as wrong or not but he just went AWOL with no warning.

It hurt me so bad. So I feel for you.

*HUGS*

For me, he was the perfect fit. It was really difficult for me to come to a peace about how he was gone and I had no closure. I wanted what I'd had with him so bad.

After a while I came to understand that he wasn't what I'd thought he was. That's an important thing to understand.

Now I can look back and appreciate what good times and wonderful lessons I had with him even though he dropped me like a hot potato. Clearly he was a deeply flawed person to do that but I treasure what I got out of it. I woudln't go back and change it.

Even better, I still have my happy marriage and family. They are my real life. I've chosen to give up quite a few things to keep that and I'm happy I have.

The reason I thought the PYL in question sounded like a douche is because she used the word "vanished." Blocked his cell phone (I am assuming he didn't actually cancel his cell phone contract) and disabled his email. It sounds petulant and childish, and screams fake asshole to me.

My first questions would be how well do you know this person, and how long have you been together.

My money is on not very well, and not that long. Because this is simply such a common story. And I know subs disappear too, but this one apparently didn't.

The OP sounds inexperienced, but there's no crime in that. What I would recommend is not to look to "caring and compassionate Doms" out there to answer your question, but to take some time to think about what you are looking for in a Dom, online or irl, and then take some time getting to know the person. You should have a clear idea about what the rules are. How will "infractions" or whatever be handled? Talk about everything up front.

That's good advice. I know after my AWOL Dom, I insisted to knowing others better. It was particularly important to me to find out what they hoped to get out of the online relationship. I wanted that information so I could be sure to give it to them, if I could.

When someone you felt a bond with freaks out like that, it tells you more about them, than about you or anything you did.

With all respect, I believe the reason the OP is so upset is the confusion and the unclear boundaries. She said he accused her of lying, but she didn't know why. She said she had honestly thought that her Dom would be pleased that she and her husband were playing and being adventurous, so it doesn't appear that this kind of activity was clearly forbidden. So instead of turning this into a learning and growing experience for someone who sounds like a fairly new submissive, and explaining why her behavior was not acceptable and disciplining her or allowing her to make amends, her Dom just disappeared and cut off all contact. As Homburg gave his own perspective as a Dom, I do understand why the OP's Dom was upset with her, but if there had been communication the relationship might have been mended. Instead, she feels abandoned.

There are, as always, many missing pieces to the puzzle. I read a post like this and tend to try to fit it into my own paradigm, how my own relationship works with my husband...but everyone's relationships are different and unique. To the OP, I do wish you the best, and hope things work out for you. Many of us have varying degrees of a D/s relationship with our spouses, and that is someone you know and trust in r/l...but of course, that doesn't work for everyone. Some people do have online D/s relationships outside their marriages with the full consent and approval of their spouse. OTOH, my husband would never in a million years tolerate me "playing" with another Dom, even online, and I have absolutely no desire to. Hell, it's hard enough to keep up with HIS needs and demands

I agree that the fact you're not sure why your D reacted so strongly to this is a great shame. You were doing something that you thought he'd be pleased about, in a public setting where he was at liberty to see what you were up to rather than in private. The breakdown in communication, understanding and establishing rules and boundaries has definitely broken down and I doubt the blame falls squarely on either side.

Personally, I find it strange that an online D would react so strongly to seeing you play online with your husband. Especially if he was giving you tips for your marital sexlife and encouraging you to be more adventurous. If a guy is an online D to a woman with a RL hubby, the first golden rule must surely be that matrimonial activity is not under his jurisdiction. He may have given advice and he may have had certain expectations about what the OP and her husband get up to but the husband is not his sub and the wife is only part time at best.

If you and your husband used a chatroom that the online D frequents, I'm thinking that maybe he was embarrassed by seeing 'his sub' playing in that chatroom with another guy (whom others in the room may or may not have known she's married to). Some guys who play exclusively online take forums, chatrooms etc way too seriously. If he thinks he's lost face in front of acquaintances in this chatroom and that it's your fault, that might be the cause of the hissy fit.

Sadly, it's always hard to tell how truly invested online partners are and even though intense sexual experiences can come out of online relationships, they're always a hell of a lot easier to walk from than RL ones. You can't know how many other subs he had on the go, how many sites he frequents and under what usernames. Accept that whatever else happened, you made an error in judgement and this relationship was clearly not as important to him as it was to you.

FurryFury said:

That's good advice. I know after my AWOL Dom, I insisted to knowing others better. It was particularly important to me to find out what they hoped to get out of the online relationship. I wanted that information so I could be sure to give it to them, if I could.

When someone you felt a bond with freaks out like that, it tells you more about them, than about you or anything you did.

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Totally. And I had one too, btw. Way early on. It's embarassing to admit. He was basically what got me into bdsm. I went, oh, this is exciting and hot, what is this anyway? Actually, a very nice Dominant I also chatted with briefly, warned me, this guy is probably full of shit and a lot older than he is claiming to be.

In retrospect, the entire thing is kind of funny. He told me he was a bored unhappily married guy who wanted something on the side, someone to completely control, that he was the head of a law firm, was a Harvard joint mba/jd and lived in New Canaan, CT in a giant house with a hot but sexually boring wife and two kids. What a load of crap, I'm sure! We had really intense long conversations in the beginning about all sorts of crap, and I just eventually got totally sucked in. What an idiot I was! And bored, desperate and unhappy with my life, evidently. Anyway, I wish I could say I learned my lesson, but I went on to a few more giant mistakes before my marriage was over. Sucks, but I did wake up eventually.

Thank God I don't have that crazy anxious panicked endlessly searching feeling anymore. I would not want that time back for all the world.

Homburg said:

This is what I would assume as well.

In my own relationships, I am the one that gives the orders. Seeking such guidance from others, under virtually any sort of circumstance, will be looked on unfavourably by me. As a result, I can certainly understand why he would be angry if he's anything like I am.

--



What the fuck? While I won't argue with the statement that too many are fakes, what strikes you as "fake" about this? Why all this blame towards the PYL? What the hell did he do, except get lied to, and his control ignored?

This sort of play was not explicitly allowed, I assume, or the OP would have mentioned that fact. Asking other people to tell you what to do is offering yourself up as a plaything and submissive to others. In this case, random other people in a chat room. In a sanctioned and controlled environment, it could be a humiliating/liberating scene. Doing it on your own turns it into some sort of circus.

What you see as an "extraordinary rare gift" was being offered out on a random chat room to passersby. What is rare about that?

I'm not trying to crap on the OP when she is feeling badly, but this "submission is a rare gift" stuff is claptrap. Submissiveness is a personality trait. If you're submissive, it is as much a part of you as your hair colour. And it is not particularly rare. Lots of submissive people out there. Dominance is no special gift either, as there are plenty of forceful people out there. The special part lies solely in the functional beauty of the dynamic created together.

I can find an ass to beat anywhere. The rare part is the person attached to that ass that inspires me to keep them.

In this case, the pyl went completely outside her established dynamic, and invited control from outside parties. I get zero impression from her post that this was an accepted behaviour. Calling the PYL a fake because he got angry when his control was ignored and his submissive went outside their dynamic is ludicrous. Ask the wife who is angry because her husband cheated on her if she is a fake.

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If it's not explicitly UN allowed either, though? Sounds like someone couldn't be bothered to explain the rules before getting pissed about whatever he didn't want to happen.

Homburg said:

What the fuck? While I won't argue with the statement that too many are fakes, what strikes you as "fake" about this? Why all this blame towards the PYL? What the hell did he do, except get lied to, and his control ignored?

This sort of play was not explicitly allowed, I assume, or the OP would have mentioned that fact. Asking other people to tell you what to do is offering yourself up as a plaything and submissive to others. In this case, random other people in a chat room. In a sanctioned and controlled environment, it could be a humiliating/liberating scene. Doing it on your own turns it into some sort of circus.

What you see as an "extraordinary rare gift" was being offered out on a random chat room to passersby. What is rare about that?

I'm not trying to crap on the OP when she is feeling badly, but this "submission is a rare gift" stuff is claptrap. Submissiveness is a personality trait. If you're submissive, it is as much a part of you as your hair colour. And it is not particularly rare. Lots of submissive people out there. Dominance is no special gift either, as there are plenty of forceful people out there. The special part lies solely in the functional beauty of the dynamic created together.

I can find an ass to beat anywhere. The rare part is the person attached to that ass that inspires me to keep them.

In this case, the pyl went completely outside her established dynamic, and invited control from outside parties. I get zero impression from her post that this was an accepted behaviour. Calling the PYL a fake because he got angry when his control was ignored and his submissive went outside their dynamic is ludicrous. Ask the wife who is angry because her husband cheated on her if she is a fake.

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Thank you, you saved me a lot of time. I guess I have to resort to some name calling now, as I can't add much more substance to this text.

intothewoods said:

The reason I thought the PYL in question sounded like a douche is because she used the word "vanished."

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Netzach said:

If it's not explicitly UN allowed either, though? Sounds like someone couldn't be bothered to explain the rules before getting pissed about whatever he didn't want to happen.

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Oh, I agree that the PYL sounds like a douche, sure, and communication probably sucked. I'm just tired of the knee-jerk "He's a fake!" and "Your submission is precious, he's stupid to cast it aside" reaction. We are getting one side of the story, and blame load is being laid at the feet of the party who is not here to represent himself.

The core issue for me is the accusation of "Fake!" in a situation where plenty of "real" PYL's would be pissed.

As to explicitly explaining the rules, well, the OP hasn't let us in on those rules. All we can assume is that this was not explicitly allowed, else she would have included that info. The big lesson that everyone can take away is that communication is the key, but calling someone a fake because of this? C'mon...

Homburg said:

Oh, I agree that the PYL sounds like a douche, sure, and communication probably sucked. I'm just tired of the knee-jerk "He's a fake!" and "Your submission is precious, he's stupid to cast it aside" reaction. We are getting one side of the story, and blame load is being laid at the feet of the party who is not here to represent himself.

The core issue for me is the accusation of "Fake!" in a situation where plenty of "real" PYL's would be pissed.

As to explicitly explaining the rules, well, the OP hasn't let us in on those rules. All we can assume is that this was not explicitly allowed, else she would have included that info. The big lesson that everyone can take away is that communication is the key, but calling someone a fake because of this? C'mon...

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I completely reject the fake/real . They're all real, some just suck.

Netzach said:

If it's not explicitly UN allowed either, though? Sounds like someone couldn't be bothered to explain the rules before getting pissed about whatever he didn't want to happen.

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We are talking here about a relationship, not about the criminal code.

Homburg said:

Oh, I agree that the PYL sounds like a douche, sure, and communication probably sucked. I'm just tired of the knee-jerk "He's a fake!" and "Your submission is precious, he's stupid to cast it aside" reaction. We are getting one side of the story, and blame load is being laid at the feet of the party who is not here to represent himself.

The core issue for me is the accusation of "Fake!" in a situation where plenty of "real" PYL's would be pissed.

As to explicitly explaining the rules, well, the OP hasn't let us in on those rules. All we can assume is that this was not explicitly allowed, else she would have included that info. The big lesson that everyone can take away is that communication is the key, but calling someone a fake because of this? C'mon...

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I see the submission is precious line of thought and the he's a fake line of thought as two completely different things. He is a fake. Real PYLs - hell, mature adults would not delete their accounts or whatever. Send an email and say, I'm pissed/will not tolerate this/whatever, and as a consequence, the relationship is over, or you must do x, y and z, or whatever, but man the fuck up.

The submission is precious thing I mostly chalk up to inexperience and/or a desire to make everything bdsm into something extra special with a bow on top. Whatever. I mean, to the extent these statements are related, it's that people are people, and a good relationship is a good relationship.

Netzach said:

I completely reject the fake/real . They're all real, some just suck.

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Ha! This made me laugh, as I wrote the final sentence in my previous post as "...but calling someone a fake because he sucked at being domly? C'mon..."

Anyway, I agree wholeheartedly with you here. "real/fake" is as bad as "true ***".

VelvetDarkness said:

If you and your husband used a chatroom that the online D frequents, I'm thinking that maybe he was embarrassed by seeing 'his sub' playing in that chatroom with another guy (whom others in the room may or may not have known she's married to). Some guys who play exclusively online take forums, chatrooms etc way too seriously. If he thinks he's lost face in front of acquaintances in this chatroom and that it's your fault, that might be the cause of the hissy fit.

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Most likely he thought he had a sub, not a slut who entertains random horny net geeks. And I really can't see how online strangers fit into the definition of "marital bed activity".

You can't know how many other subs he had on the go, how many sites he frequents and under what usernames.

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And he doesn't know how many other forums she frequents to play the online slut. You know, trust is a two-way thing, too.

Accept that whatever else happened, you made an error in judgement and this relationship was clearly not as important to him as it was to you.

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Bullshit. If he wouldn't have cared, he wouldn't be upset in the first place. But how important was the relationship for her, if she didn't feel the urge to ask her Dom about it _before_?