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Old 09-28-2009, 09:32 AM   #1051
eastern sun
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Originally Posted by BlitzKrieger View Post
Yes, but which is more permanent: the brand on the skin, or the invisible tattoo of ownership that he has placed upon your heart and soul? One is visible for all eyes to see. Yet, the other is only visible to you, and only if you look honesty at your inner self.
Though I understand what you're trying to say, and I think it's a beautiful sentiment, sometimes I think the brand on the skin is more permanent, because it's more tangible, more continuous, less elusive. At least, that's why I want one.

On certain days, it's really hard to see those invisible tattoos.

I do think the marks on your skin can be superficial, standing in for the deeper commitments. How many people have made the mistake of tattooing a lover's name only to break up later?

But part of the reason I like to write on this thread is to create concrete and visible tokens of those internal experiences. I go back and reread posts as though I was caressing a scar, just to nurture feelings of devotion and sacrifice that are not always available in the moment.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:18 AM   #1052
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"Enjoy it," he said. And I just didn't.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:31 AM   #1053
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"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.

There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.

It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.

I kind of liked it.

He didn't.

Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.

He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.

As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.

Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.

But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."

He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.

I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.

And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."

Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.
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Old 09-30-2009, 12:12 PM   #1054
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Originally Posted by eastern sun View Post
This is beautiful, Homburg. Thank you.
Very welcome.

Glad you *cough* enjoyed it.

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-myinnerslut, from the Ropework Photos thread...


I am not usually one for titles. In my world, titles are reserved for relationships.
Millificent (aka "viv") and myinnerslut both call me "Master".
You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
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Old 09-30-2009, 12:22 PM   #1055
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Very welcome.

Glad you *cough* enjoyed it.

. . . .
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Old 09-30-2009, 02:34 PM   #1056
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"Enjoy it" is a tricky one. I always thought that was the one thing I didn't have to commit to in this game.

There was a brief period where I interpreted "slavery" as passivity. During sex, I followed directions, but took little responsibility for my own experience. I would relax, and grow heavy, positioning my body wherever it was supposed to be and then kind of lose myself. I felt like a piece of the earth, fleshy, moist, with lots of nooks and crannies, full of motion when moved, but otherwise still and simply present.

It didn't matter whether I wanted what was happening or not. It didn't matter whether I was enjoying what was happening or not. It just happened.

I kind of liked it.

He didn't.

Let me amend that. . . On occasion, he just wants me to take whatever he's dishing, or experience me as some warm, wet toy. On occasion, he likes the fact that I'm uncomfortable. But most of the time he wants to feel my presence as an active willing participant.

He wants me to "enjoy" what we're doing.

As a young woman, I put on a good show. I'd seen the movies. Even I believed my act.

Sometimes he wants a show. And I have become his customized pornography.

But that's not what he means when he says "enjoy it."

He wants me to find pleasure. In activities that are not pleasurable. To me.

I can say, it's possible. I've done it, and discovered experiences I'd never felt before, where the pleasure is significantly heightened by the transformation of the discomfort. But, it hasn't been easy.

And I still want to hold onto the idea that I don't have to like it. I don't have to "enjoy it."

Last night, it just felt like one more thing I could control.
this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.

it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.

the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:37 PM   #1057
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I have a rather... unique... view upon my own slavery (and while being a Christian and living this kind of lifestyle may seem paradoxical, it's not... I rather feel it goes hand-in-hand).

Spiritually, I am a slave to God. I am to obey Him at all times, doing that which He wants of me, and not doing that which He has called sin. I am not perfect, but nevertheless, I still try, for His sake. Even so, God has given me things so that I may take pleasure in them, be it passive pleasures (like gazing upon the birds in the sky, or smelling the wildflowers in the field) or active pleasures (such as the results of His sacrifice, or the gift of wisdom). Because they are His gifts to me, I would not be serving Him if I held back, and didn't permit myself to fully use and enjoy them within the limits He has set.

Between my Husband and I, I feel it is much the same way. I am to likewise obey my Husband at all times, doing his will for me, and avoiding what is off limits (under what God has deemed acceptable, of course). As a result of pleasing him, I, too, am given the gift of pleasure (be it passively, from seeing his smile; or actively, from him reciprocating). And likewise, I would be doing him a disservice if I did not fully enjoy what everything he gives to me.

They both are more than able to give to me freely, and take and deny from me freely (to the extent of his limits, in the case of my Husband). If I treated their gifts with the same enthusiasm of getting socks for Christmas, I would not deem myself worthy to receive any further gifts (or even a continuation of my current gifts) from them. The effort they put into pleasing me... as a slave, what right have I to deny them what they want? Being selfless does not equate into gaining no pleasure for myself... it means doing all I can to do what my Master and my Husband want me to do. If they want me to be pleased, who am I to argue?
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:46 PM   #1058
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viv loves it when I get her socks at christmas time.

__________________
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-myinnerslut, from the Ropework Photos thread...


I am not usually one for titles. In my world, titles are reserved for relationships.
Millificent (aka "viv") and myinnerslut both call me "Master".
You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:53 PM   #1059
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ravenwind View Post
Spiritually, I am a slave to God. I am to obey Him at all times, doing that which He wants of me, and not doing that which He has called sin.
How do you know what God orders, and how do you know what God considers to be a sin?
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:09 PM   #1060
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Without trying to hijack the thread...

...first and foremost, the precedents set in Bible, specifically, the ten commandments and, more importantly, "the golden rule" for the definition of sin, and the examples set and taught by Jesus for 'orders'. Secondly, by my own conscience.

In the end, I would not do to others that which I would not want done to myself. Just as I am not fond of the idea of being stolen from, I would not willingly steal. Just as I don't like being sad, I would not willingly make another sad.

Last edited by Ravenwind : 09-30-2009 at 04:12 PM.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:24 PM   #1061
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Without trying to hijack the thread...

...first and foremost, the precedents set in Bible, specifically, the ten commandments and, more importantly, "the golden rule" for the definition of sin, and the examples set and taught by Jesus for 'orders'. Secondly, by my own conscience.

In the end, I would not do to others that which I would not want done to myself. Just as I am not fond of the idea of being stolen from, I would not willingly steal. Just as I don't like being sad, I would not willingly make another sad.
Thank you for answering the question.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:28 PM   #1062
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viv loves it when I get her socks at christmas time.

i love getting socks too, especially the knee high silky wool kind.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:41 PM   #1063
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this is an issue i have too...not being able to "enjoy" things sexually/erotically. the highest level of sexual enjoyment i personally experience is entirely focused on my partner's pleasure. it is a feeling akin to when you take the time and effort to bake a really fabulous dessert, serve it to others, and it's obvious that they really really love it. your hard work has not only paid off, but it's validation that you are indeed, useful and good for something. being a good fuck, a good cocksucker, etc. makes me feel useful and good for something. therefore i "enjoy" it. but i cannot relate to that other strange kind of "enjoy"...where you are wanting it and needing it just because it feels good or whatever. that part of sex has always been a puzzle.

it's not about holding back or controlling anything...i've analyzed and overanalyzed it, and i think for me it basically comes down to two things: guilt and a sense of irrelevance. i know that second one sounds funny, but i can't really think of another way to describe it. the guilt part is obvious...as a submissive and most especially as a slave, my role in sex is to serve. i am somehow convinced that directly "enjoying" anything in the process will take away from that service. it will make me self-focused, when i should be in a state of total selflessness.

the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?
Seriously, this post scared me and saddened me in a way. I cannot relate to it or *understand*.
I want to thank you though for giving me some insight in somebody so different.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:41 PM   #1064
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i love getting socks too, especially the knee high silky wool kind.
Maybe it's a slave thing? Eastern Sun, do you like getting socks as gifts?
__________________
"more than an awesome talking Cock."
-myinnerslut, from the Ropework Photos thread...


I am not usually one for titles. In my world, titles are reserved for relationships.
Millificent (aka "viv") and myinnerslut both call me "Master".
You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:46 PM   #1065
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I don't like regular socks because I hardly ever wear them, but trouser socks? Mmm. My mother gets me a pack of them every Christmas.
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Old 09-30-2009, 04:56 PM   #1066
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Seriously, this post scared me and saddened me in a way. I cannot relate to it or *understand*.
I want to thank you though for giving me some insight in somebody so different.
you are welcome for the insight, though i'm sorry i wasn't able to express myself clearly/well enough for you to understand. relating is a different story, i recognize i am an oddball to whom few will relate.

but i'm curious as to why you were scared or saddened by my post? it is nothing that scares or saddens me, just one more thing that makes me feel "different" from most.
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Old 09-30-2009, 05:06 PM   #1067
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you are welcome for the insight, though i'm sorry i wasn't able to express myself clearly/well enough for you to understand. relating is a different story, i recognize i am an oddball to whom few will relate.

but i'm curious as to why you were scared or saddened by my post? it is nothing that scares or saddens me, just one more thing that makes me feel "different" from most.
No no, I do understand, thats why I put **. It is just so very strange. I think you expressed yourself very clearly, I felt like I could put myself in your place. So very different, unknown.
I am the kind of person that hardly ever lets anyone else take control, just a glimpse of your feelings made me feel uneasy and yes, scared.
Sad, I dont really know. Maybe because I could imagine how you feel different from most and I thought it must hurt sometimes.
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:02 PM   #1068
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viv loves it when I get her socks at christmas time.

...okay, to drive home the point...

"plain, tighty-whitey, unflattering, granny panties that don't fit, from your in-laws, for Christmas".

...*that* kind of lack of enthusiasm.
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Old 09-30-2009, 06:12 PM   #1069
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I don't like regular socks because I hardly ever wear them, but trouser socks? Mmm. My mother gets me a pack of them every Christmas.
I think we're onto something here.

--

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...okay, to drive home the point...

"plain, tighty-whitey, unflattering, granny panties that don't fit, from your in-laws, for Christmas".

...*that* kind of lack of enthusiasm.
*snort* Oh, I knew where you were coming from. I just had to offer my utterly worthless two cents.

Though, in a weird way, granny panties from an in-law would probably be a WTF style hit around here. The whole idea of a relative buying panties for someone that doesn't even wear them would probably result in some quizzical looks and a whole lotta laughter.

But, really, I get your point.
__________________
"more than an awesome talking Cock."
-myinnerslut, from the Ropework Photos thread...


I am not usually one for titles. In my world, titles are reserved for relationships.
Millificent (aka "viv") and myinnerslut both call me "Master".
You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
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Old 09-30-2009, 07:34 PM   #1070
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the irrelevance bit is a little harder to express. but i consider all of these factors: the fact that my Master's sexual pleasure is not increased by my own. the fact that most of the men i've served sexually in my lifetime have been very pleased by my completely external sexual focus. the fact that biologically, the female orgasm is useless. the fact that i have no control over my sex life (what happens, when and how, etc.). all of these things lead me to feel deep down that my own internal sexual feelings...good or bad...are completely irrelevant. and with that being the case, why put myself through the humiliating and painful struggle of trying to see whether or not i even have the capacity to feel this other side of sex?
Fuck... you have explained it so well. This made me cry. i'm always asking Daddy WHY when he tells me he is glad i can cum. There is no right answer. Usually he says because he likes it when i'm wet. Well i don't have to have an orgasm to get wet.

He has told me enough times now that he is glad i cum that i am actually able to use my Hitatchi in front of him. i even ask him if i can rather than waiting for him to tell me. A year ago this would have been impossible and i still have a terrible time doing it in front of my husband, i almost never do so i almost never orgasm with him because its the only way i can.

Sex between Daddy and i will never be about my sexual pleasure. It can't be. i hate mutually enjoyed sex. i've had it a few times and i really just don't like it. Occasionally it feels more than a little bit good and i might get into it enough and be drunk enough to allow my hips to move but that's pretty rare. Daddy does seem to like it when that happens. Afterward i'm never sure how i feel about it.

Ahhh the joys of being a sexually repressed sex addict =P
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:10 PM   #1071
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I'm going to freely admit upfront that I do not understand the lack of mutual sexual pleasure in a relationship. Yes, it is not all about me. Yes, it is about my Dom's needs coming first. I just know FOR ME, that I could never be in a relationship that was not fulfilling for me sexually. I did that in vanilla relationships for too long, and would never do it again. I don't think it makes me any less submissive to my partner to be sexually aggressive in bed. Obviously, I'm not going to tie him up and anally fist him, but my movements, noises, and natural body motions excite him and therefore make the experience better for the both of us...so why not? I do not think I would be a better sub/partner/wife if I tried to supress those urges. In fact, I think I would be doing him a GREAT disservice.
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:24 PM   #1072
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*snort* Oh, I knew where you were coming from. I just had to offer my utterly worthless two cents.
You know, I figured I'd open a can of worms with "socks"... but seems they're a welcome present 'round here. And your two cents is hardly worthless. I'm two cents richer than I was before. ^_~
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Old 09-30-2009, 11:34 PM   #1073
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I'm not sexually aggressive. I wait to be told what to do. But that doesn't mean I lie on my back and think of England, either.
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As a dreamer of dreams and a traveling Bun,
I have chalked up many a mile
Read dozens of books
About heroes and crooks
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Na razrusha'ya. E'ya razrushost.
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Old 10-01-2009, 12:40 AM   #1074
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I'm not sexually aggressive. I wait to be told what to do. But that doesn't mean I lie on my back and think of England, either.
exactly. this assumption always burns my britches. yes, i'm very sexually passive. that does not mean that i lie back and make grocery lists in my head, or lie as motionless and blank as a piece of driftwood. nor does it mean that i am not sexually fulfilled. my sexual fulfillment has nothing to do with my physical sexual response/feelings, that's all. if i consistently succeed in satisfying my male partner, then i am sexually fulfilled.

also, as i tried to express earlier i do not suppress anything or hold anything back. i just do not seem to have those wires and connections that most others do when it comes to sex.
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Old 10-01-2009, 01:22 AM   #1075
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I'm not sexually aggressive. I wait to be told what to do. But that doesn't mean I lie on my back and think of England, either.
"Beige. We should paint the walls beige."
__________________
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-myinnerslut, from the Ropework Photos thread...


I am not usually one for titles. In my world, titles are reserved for relationships.
Millificent (aka "viv") and myinnerslut both call me "Master".
You can call me "Homburg". Still accepting Rope Bunny applications, of course.

Disclaimer: Live your life how you want to live. Be secure enough in what you do that _my_ words won't affect you. Because my opinion has no material meaning in your life beyond what you let it have.
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