Flood of newbie questions number one

[Ulfsmouse]

OK, I tried looking through the board to find the answers to my questions so I wouldn't have to come out and ask them myself (I know, "lurker"). I spent a few days reading through and found some interesting information, managed to answer one or two of my questions, and even answered some I hadn't realized I wanted to ask. But I still have questions I haven't found the answers to. Either my search-fu is weak, or no one has asked yet.

So here's a rundown of my situation. My husband started the New Year off by asking if I'd like to try some nipple clamps and some spanking? Oh yes!

I don't know if the term "bondage bunny" is still around? For years I've hovered around at a level where bondage was (barely) sufficient, but that question opened the floodgates. I took me a bit (like almost two months) to wrestle with the knowledge I wanted so much more than being tied up on occasion.

Once I'd accepted this ruthlessly ignored part of myself, the next logical step seemed to be making a BDSM checklist. Here's this wonderful offering to take on Domming me, how could I not? He couldn't talk when I'd finished it, so we went over it using an instant messenger program. It was a lot of fun, and much easier to do this way. I guess I felt less inhibited with him in another room.

Here's where problems set in and questions arise. I really want more control, discipline, and punishment. He says he's willing to supply it, but isn't sure how to implement it discreetly. My daughter still lives with us, and he isn't comfortable with overt Dom/sub behavior going on in front of her, not to mention her friends. He also isn't about to bring it up to her, and doesn't want me to, either. I think it has to do with his discomfort with PDAs, but darn it, the house isn't public. Fret, fume.

It's frustrating! I'm wanting to be disciplined so badly that when he snaps his fingers and makes the dog or cat behave, I'm jealous of the freakin' pets!

So here's the first question. I know people do this as a lifestyle. For those who have already taken things out of the bedroom, any tips on subtle domination and control?

Apologies for the super-long rant post.

[Primalex]

Originally Posted by Ulfsmouse

Here's where problems set in and questions arise. I really want more control, discipline, and punishment. He says he's willing to supply it, but isn't sure how to implement it discreetly. My daughter still lives with us, and he isn't comfortable with overt Dom/sub behavior going on in front of her, not to mention her friends. He also isn't about to bring it up to her, and doesn't want me to, either. I think it has to do with his discomfort with PDAs, but darn it, the house isn't public.

Sounds fine to me. Kids, no matter what age, don't want to hear about such stuff anyway.

So here's the first question. I know people do this as a lifestyle. For those who have already taken things out of the bedroom, any tips on subtle domination and control?

I think, like humiliation play, that these things need to be tailored individually, there is no use in generic recommendations without proper knowledge about the environment and life circumstances.

Accept his "hard" limits regarding your daughter. Try to work something out together. Don't go for the 'big bang' solution that solves all problems at once and sends you right to heaven, but take a first step, maybe with minor changes to your daily habits if necessary. In example, you could use the bathroom together in the morning. And in there, anything goes with a good gag to silence you.

If you are more along the lines of 24/7 play, then explain to him that he can dominate you without hesitation the very moment any opportunity arrives. Males are often conditioned to wait for a go-signal and then the opportunity for some D/s play is often gone. Of course you have to stick through with this then (at least for that play scene).

[KoPilot]

ES will be along eventually, I'm sure, but...

Yeah, if you suddenly and out of nowhere start to do overt shit in front of your daughter, she will probably notice and will be quietly freaking out. Your daughter isn't consenting to be part of your dynamic, and if she's a minor, she can't. Not cool.

But that's assuming you need overt, open D/s. To be quite honest, there's a lot you can do that's subtle or not noticeable to anyone else who's not in on the game. Like bondage under your clothes. Or protocol that only gets discussed/addressed in private and carried out casually outside of that. You could wordlessly make your husband coffee every morning and iron his work clothes. If you misbehave and want punishment, you can be "taken care of later" or be forced to rub tiger balm on your asshole before going out for groceries or something.

There's a whole world of D/s out there that doesn't have to involve making your daughter wish she didn't live with you.

[Ulfsmouse]

Just a quick message to thank you for replying to my question. I'll probably have to come further out of survival mode before I can get even close to how I was feeling at the time. Gonna go fix my people a lasagna now, poor guys must be sick of MREs by now. Promise I'll read 'em in detail later.

[Ulfsmouse]

Okay, much calmer now. Yes, we all agree that overt stuff in front of the offspring is massively uncool. Which is why we were looking for things that were subtle. And thank you both for your replies.

[eric60red]

Originally Posted by Ulfsmouse

Just a quick message to thank you for replying to my question. I'll probably have to come further out of survival mode before I can get even close to how I was feeling at the time. Gonna go fix my people a lasagna now, poor guys must be sick of MREs by now. Promise I'll read 'em in detail later.

Hmmm I do like Lasagna. If you really want something, then you will find a way. The subject is interesting and can involve a long journey. Mine began 17 years ago when I discovered I wanted to be in charge and control, and at the same time give what a person desired.

[graceanne]

Honestly, there is very few things that people do that you can't do. Most of us are parents, and we have to keep it subtle, too. You could have him make you a list of stuff he expects you to get done every day. You could maybe make a pet name, like 'my lord' (although I use that like a smart ass), that's a form of respect to you. When it comes to bedroom domination, the main thing to remember is quiet. Nothing that makes a loud noise, or makes you make a loud noise. And, I get the feeling your military, so you're going to want to keep this on the down low, as this kind of thing is technically against military law. In other words, no marks where they can be seen - although that's important cause of your kid, too.

[Ulfsmouse]

Thanks for another round of good advice. My daughter wormed it outta me, though. Said half her friends are PYL/pyl, and as long as sex stayed in the bedroom, she could care less about the rest. I tend to agree with Ulf, though. It would bother us, even if it wouldn't bother her, and I'd still worry about it bothering her, in spite of her assurances.

No worries about reactivation, he's too old. But the warning is still a damn good one for anyone still in the military. I figured out pretty quick where I gave the impression we were still in. My family tends to use MREs for camping, and for just such emergencies as this past week. And his hang ups about public displays of affection are a holdover from his military days. Also a rabid hatred of the way I tend to fold t-shirts. Had military-style folding methods hammered in at an early age, which he can't stand.

This brings me to the next question, which is honorifics. I'd love to use one, to help distinguish when we're playing from when we aren't. He says he'll put up with one, though it doesn't really do anything for him. As you've probably guessed, Sir is not an option, ever. Pissing him off isn't my thing, lol. Master would be the automatic choice, but I'd love alternate suggestions from the peanut gallery, in case the first option makes him feel all tense and weird inside, ya know?

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Originally Posted by Ulfsmouse

This brings me to the next question, which is honorifics. I'd love to use one, to help distinguish when we're playing from when we aren't. He says he'll put up with one, though it doesn't really do anything for him. As you've probably guessed, Sir is not an option, ever. Pissing him off isn't my thing, lol. Master would be the automatic choice, but I'd love alternate suggestions from the peanut gallery, in case the first option makes him feel all tense and weird inside, ya know?

It can be whatever you two want it to be. Baby, Love, Sweetheart, Hunny, Darling, Daddy, Master, Lord, God, etc.

How you say it can be more important than what you say.

[graceanne]

Originally Posted by Ulfsmouse

This brings me to the next question, which is honorifics. I'd love to use one, to help distinguish when we're playing from when we aren't. He says he'll put up with one, though it doesn't really do anything for him. As you've probably guessed, Sir is not an option, ever. Pissing him off isn't my thing, lol. Master would be the automatic choice, but I'd love alternate suggestions from the peanut gallery, in case the first option makes him feel all tense and weird inside, ya know?

Daddy ^^^^ is right on, but maybe you could find a way to say master in another language? I've never done the research, but find out how to say it in latin or greek or some other obscure language?

[eastern sun]

We have had to work around the presence of our kids for years.

One thing I'd keep in mind is that - ultimately it doesn't really matter what specific behaviors you do, it's the framework you're doing it in that counts. For instance, my husband doesn't like to be called anything other than his name - so calling him his name turns out to be equivalent to an honorific.

I had a moment during the first week after I became slave when the house was empty, and I dropped to my knees, lowered my gaze, and in high protocol gently asked, "what would you like me to call you?" He snickered and said, "my name. I don't go for all theatrical shit." We laughed, I stood up, and that was the end of that. (Though I was a little disappointed. I like the theatrical stuff.)

I've written about living in a low-profile M/s relationship in "marks of a slave." It's kind of cumbersome to sift through the whole thread now, but you might be interested.

[Ulfsmouse]

Now that you mention it, I have been working my way through that thread. It's one of the places I found answers to questions so I wouldn't have to ask.

[eastern sun]

I have enjoyed my husband's attempts to exert subtle control, in contexts where no one would even notice what was going on. One of my favorites was when he discovered he could step on my foot while we were standing around chatting with friends. When I'm wearing sandals it is particularly effective - often causing me stop talking mid-sentence. And no one else seems to be aware of what is happening.

edited to add - Facial expression and hand gestures can also be very effective. Sometimes just a raised eyebrow will make me stop whatever I'm doing, or change my tone. It's that "look" that you hear about sometimes.

The longer you're together too the less overt it needs to be. I can read when he wants something in the context of whatever we're doing just by the changing direction of his gaze.