Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > BDSM Talk

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 07-10-2014, 12:38 PM   #1
Scrivener_
Experienced
 
Scrivener_ is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 56
Re-establishing Trust and "Learning to Love It"

I thought that you all might be more helpful with my questions than anywhere else on the web I could think of.

So I've been with a slightly kinky guy for almost three years now. We're serious, we're planning on moving in together and eventually getting married and having kids. I love sex with him - he's attentive and very good at what he does.

However.

He has a watersports fetish, specifically receiving said "water" and watching girls wet themselves, and also he likes me to wear diapers. Even though it's never really been my kink, I found little pockets of it that I could enjoy - for example, there's something very dominant about controlling your partner's bathrooming, and telling them when and where they can wet, and since I'm a submissive, that worked for me. But we had an incident in January where I was wetting, and he was simultaneously fingering my ass while I was wetting, and I wasn't clear enough with my signals that I wanted him to stop and he ended up going too far because of it. It's caused a huge rift in our relationship - he feels like he assaulted me and, honestly, I feel a little like that too, even though it was primarily my fault for not communicating well enough that I wanted him to stop (though, in my defense, I was rather lusty-headed at the time and the thought "oh, this might not be okay" didn't occur to me until the "not okay" limit had already been reached).

He's gone to therapy about it, and seems to have dealt with it well enough, but he's super hesitant about trying things out again, and I've lost what little interest in it I had. We started, originally, with little baby steps, and I'm willing to go through that process again in order to make him happy and possibly rekindle the interest I had, but he knows that I don't have any great love for his fetish and would be going along with it mostly for his sake, and he feels badly about that. Does anyone else have any advice or been in a similar situation?
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-10-2014, 04:26 PM   #2
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
 
Stella_Omega's Avatar
 
Stella_Omega is offline
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Shaken, not stirred
Posts: 39,353
Have you gone to therapy about it as well?

Thing about experimenting sexually-- experiments can go wrong. I've been there, been disappointed, never wanted to do that again. which isn't a recipe for a fun time the next time.

There's a real simple rule that gets tossed around a lot, "The Top is responsible." Like all simple rules, it doesn't' always fit the event. We get conflicting feelings and reactions.

It occurs to me that we all could use some discussion about what to do when a limit has been breached, especially when it is someone you want to keep playing with.


If you really don't have any interest in his kink-- are you willing to let him seek outlets elsewhere? He was honest about it from the getgo and it's part of the package.
__________________
"Oh woe, these be perilous times! Children no longer obey their elders, and everybody is writing a book!"
--Pliny the Elder, AD76

All about Stella; My AH profile
Stella's stories on lit

An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-10-2014, 04:49 PM   #3
Scrivener_
Experienced
 
Scrivener_ is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 56
I'm more than willing to let him exercise his outlets elsewhere, but he says it's the kind of thing he only wants to do with someone he's in a committed relationship with - it takes love and trust and all that kind of stuff. And plus, he likes how *I* in particular do it, so he's quite disinclined to go elsewhere.

And I was happy to participate and go along with it before the incident in January - as I said, I do get something out of it, and we've talked about how to proceed from here so I can maybe get that back. It doesn't help that it's generally something that requires a long play session - the bladder takes time to fill up, and I can't drink too quickly or else it's very painful on my bladder, which is a bad kind of pain. We don't live together yet and we both have roommates, so acquiring the time required for a session, when I work weekends and nights, and he works a 9-5, is also a struggle.

I have not been to therapy about it, but I've suggested the idea of couples' therapy, and he's open to it, but finding a kink-friendly therapist is a trick.
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-11-2014, 09:25 AM   #4
Primalex
能ある鷹は爪を隠す。
 
Primalex's Avatar
 
Primalex is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 3,627
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrivener_ View Post
We started, originally, with little baby steps, and I'm willing to go through that process again in order to make him happy and possibly rekindle the interest I had, but he knows that I don't have any great love for his fetish and would be going along with it mostly for his sake, and he feels badly about that. Does anyone else have any advice or been in a similar situation?
This is going to fix itself.

Remorse rarely beats the desire to get off - in the long run.
__________________
There is no good and evil, there is only power...and those too weak to seek it.
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-11-2014, 03:45 PM   #5
Endless_Night
Literotica Guru
 
Endless_Night is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 804
I can’t speak to dealing with severely breached limits, not having any experience with such, but just trying to get limits established seems to be far more difficult than it should be.

I’m doing my best to be a “good” Dominant bottom and tell my SO what I want sexually. He’s learning to Top and coming to terms that “roughness” is okay. I suppose it’s not all that surprising we’ve run into difficulties. He’s 7 inches taller and 50 lbs heavier, not used to manhandling (no pun intended ) women, and concerned about causing damage. Yet, occasionally he’s too rough. Not a huge problem in itself, but when I - gently - bring up the subject he’s so horrified about hurting me inadvertently he’s reluctant to engage again. It's a little disheartening to be struggling with limits associated with relatively mild kink.

Shouldn’t sex be easy?

Yeah, I know. *whine* *whine*

Considering how many people get on the board and post about partners who won’t even try to meet their needs I should probably shut up.

Besides, no doubt this is true -->

Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
This is going to fix itself.

Remorse rarely beats the desire to get off - in the long run.
But it can just be so…frustrating.
__________________
“Must be yearning deep in human heart to stop other people from doing as they please.”
― Heinlein, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-13-2014, 01:06 PM   #6
Scrivener_
Experienced
 
Scrivener_ is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 56
Oh my gosh, Endless, that is PRECISELY the situation I find myself in when my SO tries to top me. It's like, "okay, okay, more pressure, more nails, more - OW THAT'S TOO MUCH OW no I'm fine stop looking so sad and guilty, come here, let's just cuddle-fuck."
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-13-2014, 01:38 PM   #7
CordeAmare
Virgin
 
CordeAmare is offline
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 12
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrivener_ View Post
But we had an incident in January where I was wetting, and he was simultaneously fingering my ass while I was wetting, and I wasn't clear enough with my signals that I wanted him to stop and he ended up going too far because of it. It's caused a huge rift in our relationship - he feels like he assaulted me and, honestly, I feel a little like that too, even though it was primarily my fault for not communicating well enough that I wanted him to stop (though, in my defense, I was rather lusty-headed at the time and the thought "oh, this might not be okay" didn't occur to me until the "not okay" limit had already been reached).

If you feel like you're reaching the point where you can't communicate - getting too faint/lusty-headed - you should slow down, or stop.

I think it's essential that you need to be able to communicate at all times, whether verbally, or physically.

I've been in a situation where I was being spanked and I was being to feel faint, I knew that if he kept going that I wouldn't be able to speak [and would probably pass out], even though I did want to continue haha. But if I can't communicate, I won't participate.

Perhaps the situation is different with someone who knows your limits inside out, you can cross the line where you can't communicate, but they will still keep within your limits.

I don't think that your SO should feel bad about the situation, if he didn't know you wanted to stop, then he's at no fault. But if you were signalling for him to stop, and he missed these signals, maybe you need better non-verbal communication?

When I've been gagged + blindfolded - I held a chain in my hand, if I dropped it, everything would stop. Something like that?
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-13-2014, 04:14 PM   #8
Endless_Night
Literotica Guru
 
Endless_Night is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 804
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrivener_ View Post
Oh my gosh, Endless, that is PRECISELY the situation I find myself in when my SO tries to top me. It's like, "okay, okay, more pressure, more nails, more - OW THAT'S TOO MUCH OW no I'm fine stop looking so sad and guilty, come here, let's just cuddle-fuck."
Madly frustrating isn't it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrivener_ View Post
< He's gone to therapy about it, and seems to have dealt with it well enough, but he's super hesitant about trying things out again, and I've lost what little interest in it I had. We started, originally, with little baby steps, and I'm willing to go through that process again in order to make him happy and possibly rekindle the interest I had, but he knows that I don't have any great love for his fetish and would be going along with it mostly for his sake, and he feels badly about that. Does anyone else have any advice or been in a similar situation? >
Have you considered asking him to do something for you that he's not particularly interested in? Perhaps he could then view such as an exchange of favors. It might allow him to feel less guilty. Your "want" doesn't even necessarily have to be sexual.

Just a thought.
__________________
“Must be yearning deep in human heart to stop other people from doing as they please.”
― Heinlein, The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress
  Reply With Quote

Old 07-13-2014, 11:13 PM   #9
eastern sun
hungry little creature
 
eastern sun's Avatar
 
eastern sun is offline
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York
Posts: 2,672
Long relationships work because you're able to find solutions and re-establish trust over time.

We've pushed limits too far and had to stop for months at a time. But we've been together for almost 30 years and kinky since the beginning, so we've also had a lot of time to find "what works."

Sometimes we've had to stop doing something altogether because it just sets one or the other of us off - and the emotional mess is not worth the anticipated pleasure. Sometimes we've had to compromise with each other - or find another partner who is interested in that thing we wanted to do that the other didn't want. Sometimes we've done things we didn't really enjoy as a gift to the other.

If you're in it for the long haul, don't be in a rush to fix things. Just let each other know that you want to rebuild the trust that may have been shaken.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:22 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.