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Old 10-21-2008, 11:32 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Feral_Intelligence View Post
Overall I like your ideas. Mainly just a widdling down of one or two redundant words and slighly better use of the english language, but overall my original description stays mostly the same.
yes of course it stays the same. the character is your character. you know what your character looks like better than me. it's your job to convey how they look, to me in a way that leaves no doubt, no gaps, in my mind.

with the 24 extra words you have, you could buff up the 'jersey' a little, at the moment it seems almost an extra sentence put in there. also, although i know he is not a 'boy', you say 'boyish charm' but i still have no idea exactly how old he might be. can you convey that in the extra words? he could really be any age from, say, 18 - 70. i need something more to be able to 'pin him down'. any ideas?
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Old 10-21-2008, 11:51 PM   #27
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Well, here is another try that is 100 words:

He was round and short with thickly muscled limbs. His face was pudgy, its openness had an odd appeal, a boyish charm. Hard work in the sun had left his skin a ruddy color not fitting a man of his age. Uncombed, his short blond hair was slicked into place with his hand, at least he thought it was in place but actually stuck out at odd angles from his head. His jersey was stylish white with red decals and hung loosely from his large frame. Ugly tight purple shorts completed today's look. Jared was a man of distinct contradictions.
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Old 10-21-2008, 11:59 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feral_Intelligence View Post
Well, here is another try that is 100 words:

He was round and short with thickly muscled limbs. His face was pudgy, its openness had an odd appeal, a boyish charm. Hard work in the sun had left his skin a ruddy color not fitting a man of his age. Uncombed, his short blond hair was slicked into place with his hand, at least he thought it was in place but actually stuck out at odd angles from his head. His jersey was stylish white with red decals and hung loosely from his large frame. Ugly tight purple shorts completed today's look. Jared was a man of distinct contradictions.
how do you feel about it? i love it. lots of information in there. spot on with the 100 word requirement. i hope you enjoyed the exercise.

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Old 10-22-2008, 12:04 AM   #29
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Yes, I am quite happy with it. Thank you for your help. I have enjoyed this little exersize.
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:07 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feral_Intelligence View Post
Yes, I am quite happy with it. Thank you for your help. I have enjoyed this little exersize.
you're welcome. feel free to try it again, or have a go at one of the other exercises. they're all fun.

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Old 10-22-2008, 12:09 AM   #31
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I will at some point.
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Old 10-22-2008, 11:56 AM   #32
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Thanks!

Feral_Intelligence, wildsweetone I love your conversation and especially any feedback I can get. I like to edit and talk about writing, so hit me up for whatever.

Wild - comments you wrote -
Love this. any particular reason you choose present tense? i like the 'voice' that begins to show through here.

if you reworded this 'comb his hair, cut it too' to 'cut and comb his hair' you could add in 'is' between 'wears' and 'muted'.

Me - Response to comments -
Thanks. I love voice and danced in my seat when I read this. Yea-haw!

I cut this description together from several bits over a couple pages of writing. Present tense is important to the setting (a bar). When cutting it together I had to rewrite a distant observation into something that was happening to my main character right next to him, in 100 words.

Questions/thoughts on your suggestion: I wrote the "clean up" section with a rhythm in mind. I like your suggestion and even tried it. The way the reader hears the words inside their head is important at this point - the reason I decided to write it like this. Tell me what you think with rhythm in mind? Does the beat make a difference for you when read in flow? "Shower him, brush his teeth, comb his hair, cut it too, shave him, and pat on some Old Spice." There's a staccato beat reading it like this. Change the staccato and the description feels different. "Shower him, brush his teeth, cut and comb his hair, shave him, and pat on some Old Spice." There is a different sense of how the observer thinks when getting the impression of Dec.

Reading it again and I might get rid of "too" and insert "is". However, I avoid "is" like the plague, so the implied "is" has become a crutch.. maybe I need to get over it.

Great subject for next thread - 200 word description without using any form of the verb "to be".
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Old 10-22-2008, 12:06 PM   #33
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feral_Intelligence View Post
Well, here is another try that is 100 words:

He was round and short with thickly muscled limbs. His face was pudgy, its openness had an odd appeal, a boyish charm. Hard work in the sun had left his skin a ruddy color not fitting a man of his age. Uncombed, his short blond hair was slicked into place with his hand, at least he thought it was in place but actually stuck out at odd angles from his head. His jersey was stylish white with red decals and hung loosely from his large frame. Ugly tight purple shorts completed today's look. Jared was a man of distinct contradictions.
Good stuff. Try writing this without "is, was, had". I would like to see the verbs you use to describe the same thing non declaratory. (You would laugh if you knew how many times I went through spell check to get declaratory - I kept looking for declarative-ly).

ie: He stands round and short carrying thickly muscled limbs. His open pudgy face holds an odd appeal, a boyish charm built by hard work in the sun, ruddy and unfitting on a man (boy/adolescent) his age.
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Old 10-22-2008, 03:38 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Incitatus View Post
Feral_Intelligence, wildsweetone I love your conversation and especially any feedback I can get. I like to edit and talk about writing, so hit me up for whatever.

Wild - comments you wrote -
Love this. any particular reason you choose present tense? i like the 'voice' that begins to show through here.

if you reworded this 'comb his hair, cut it too' to 'cut and comb his hair' you could add in 'is' between 'wears' and 'muted'.

Me - Response to comments -
Thanks. I love voice and danced in my seat when I read this. Yea-haw!

I cut this description together from several bits over a couple pages of writing. Present tense is important to the setting (a bar). When cutting it together I had to rewrite a distant observation into something that was happening to my main character right next to him, in 100 words.

Questions/thoughts on your suggestion: I wrote the "clean up" section with a rhythm in mind. I like your suggestion and even tried it. The way the reader hears the words inside their head is important at this point - the reason I decided to write it like this. Tell me what you think with rhythm in mind? Does the beat make a difference for you when read in flow? "Shower him, brush his teeth, comb his hair, cut it too, shave him, and pat on some Old Spice." There's a staccato beat reading it like this. Change the staccato and the description feels different. "Shower him, brush his teeth, cut and comb his hair, shave him, and pat on some Old Spice." There is a different sense of how the observer thinks when getting the impression of Dec.

Reading it again and I might get rid of "too" and insert "is". However, I avoid "is" like the plague, so the implied "is" has become a crutch.. maybe I need to get over it.

Great subject for next thread - 200 word description without using any form of the verb "to be".
voice - one of the easiest ways of creating voice into a piece of writing i've found is to put myself into the position of a character. how would that character go about saying what he/she wants to say. in 100 words describing another character it's not always easy to do it, but it can be fun trying.

staccato beat - i'm aware that the beat can sound different to me compared to what it sounds like to you (accents etc do make a difference)... i was just thinking though, the 'cut and comb' has great alliteration. does that counteract your feeling there is a loss of sense?

i can say both the sentences with the same beat. in this instance, i think it comes down to how the description fits in with the rest of your story.

and always, if you feel my suggestions don't seem right to you, then yours are still there i just like giving ideas and thoughts that give people something different to think about.


ps sometimes 'is' is a very important word.
pps feel free to start that other thread! i doubt there are any rules around about who starts what around here.
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Old 11-06-2008, 09:45 AM   #35
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Her dark hair hung down her back and glowed in the sun. I looked into her dark eyes and knew she could see right through me. She smiled at me with a large mouth and thick lips painted bright red. She was a large woman but not fat just voluptuous and I couldn't help but notice her huge breasts as they strained to burst free from her blouse. I kept thinking that her bra must be some kind of engineering miracle to hold up her large orbs. As she turned to leave, I was awestruck by her apple shaped derriere.
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Old 11-08-2008, 07:53 AM   #36
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Anya was beauty in miniature, slender, fragile and as weak and defenceless as a marionette. Drug addiction had emaciated her and exaggerated her delicate bone structure. Thick dark hair hung to her shoulders, framing a sharp featured face with dark lashed, deep green eyes and full lips slicked with crimson gloss. Her small tits hung from her ribcage and the slight curve of her ass and hips gave the merest suggestion of her womanhood. Her cunt was shaved smooth... defenceless. She looked... vulnerable; consumable and expendable.
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Old 11-09-2008, 12:23 AM   #37
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Quote:
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Anya was beauty in miniature, slender, fragile and as weak and defenceless as a marionette. Drug addiction had emaciated her and exaggerated her delicate bone structure. Thick dark hair hung to her shoulders, framing a sharp featured face with dark lashed, deep green eyes and full lips slicked with crimson gloss. Her small tits hung from her ribcage and the slight curve of her ass and hips gave the merest suggestion of her womanhood. Her cunt was shaved smooth... defenceless. She looked... vulnerable; consumable and expendable.
That is a very vivid description. I have a very clear immage of her in my mind. I'm picturing some drug addicted whore standing there waiting to be fucked so she can buy her next hit of heroin. Is that what you were going for?
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Old 11-09-2008, 06:23 AM   #38
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That is a very vivid description. I have a very clear immage of her in my mind. I'm picturing some drug addicted whore standing there waiting to be fucked so she can buy her next hit of heroin. Is that what you were going for?
Bingo. Have a cookie.
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Old 11-09-2008, 09:42 AM   #39
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I'm glad I got it right. I'll admit though, I found my imagination picturing someone less attractive than the pic on your thread.
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Old 11-10-2008, 09:44 AM   #40
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Velvet, feral, wild

Would all of you be up for a little writing exercise?

We each take someone else's description and write 2000 - 2500 words of a story based on that character. Velvet, props to you because your little girl gave me the idea.

Post back here if you are in and I will setup the thread. This is of course open to anyone, I would like to get 4 people minimum to do it before I make a thread however.
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Old 11-12-2008, 09:18 PM   #41
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I'm glad I got it right. I'll admit though, I found my imagination picturing someone less attractive than the pic on your thread.
Actually I think that would have been even more accurate. It's not fair to the other writer though, to post something hideous. Fantasy is still fantasy, however extreme.
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Old 11-12-2008, 11:05 PM   #42
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Alex's lithe form slid towards me like a panther closing in on its prey. Her slender, tanned naked form crept across the bed, full breasts swaying gently beneath her chest as she padded towards me. Head lowered, emerald eyes burned fiercely and locked on to mine from beneath her straight cut fringe. The feline like features of her face twisted slightly as her full lips snarled with lust and the long mane of dark hair swept around her head. Reaching me her mouth opened and her tongue snaked out to wet her lips in anticipation of claiming her sexual prize.
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Old 11-17-2008, 12:02 PM   #43
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She cannot be called a classic beauty but you can call her striking. She has shinny black hair that falls down her back like a mane. Her nose although rather large is classic mid eastern and with her full red lips, it gives her face a regal look.
Being a large girl some would call her fat, but this is not true. If you look at her tummy, you see it is flat and firm. She has large breasts that do not sag but stand up proud. Her large derričre is more apple shaped than wide.
Please meet Kim Kardashian
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Old 11-29-2008, 08:17 PM   #44
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Predisposition

A father and son couch potato together, greasy crumbs tumbling to the floor as the pair study fashion models working some Milan runway. The father teaches his son about beauty, discussing the attributes of the models. The television is muted, the only voices theirs. They agree on the best specimen: long and smooth as a python, face hidden by netting. The father, gourd round and larvae soft, thrusts the asymmetrical tip of plastic straw through the small foil circle of his son's juice box, then once more through his own. Toasting first, they nurse purple sugar water from cardboard cubes
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Old 12-06-2008, 11:39 AM   #45
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Staff Sergeant Conroy was scowling at the troops standing in formation in front of him. He was always scowling though so it didn’t mean he was angry or sad. It just meant he was still drawing breath into his barrel like chest. For a man who’s chest was eye level for most men Conroy’s ability to move silently was unnerving. Standing at attention, back straight eyes forward he could stand just out of line of sight waiting for you to tilt your head in the slightest. Only then would the very nearly black skinned man burst into sight barking obscenities.
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Old 12-08-2008, 11:48 PM   #46
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The servant girl looked like she was only eighteen or nineteen summers. Her strawberry blond hair only fell to about her shoulders. Her bangs hung down to frame her face, almost covering her light blue eyes. She had small, cute nose. Her lips were a light pink color. Even if she were not blushing she likely would have had rosy cheeks. Her form was fairly petite. She had small breasts, just over a handful. She had put the trouble into grooming herself, but her dress was still dirty. It was a simple peasant’s shift. She spoke meekly, “I am Mari.”


I've been wanting to post for a while. It seems like there have been some fairly nice descriptions while I was away.
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Old 12-09-2008, 02:07 AM   #47
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Maybe it's just e but there were to many sentences that started with Shy. It just didn't work for me.
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Old 12-09-2008, 02:20 AM   #48
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Maybe it's just e but there were to many sentences that started with Shy. It just didn't work for me.
Agreed. Instead of just "She did this, she had that", try to be more creative about describing her - tell me what she's doing with her body, not just that it's there. Maybe she's scrunching that cute nose of hers, or peering shyly through her bangs with her startling light blue eyes.

"Meekly" is the only clue we're given as to her personality or state of mind, which can be part of her appearance as well. It was frustrating for me to try to imagine that girl because she seemed to have no personality shine through at all, not even a boring one. Is she standing proudly or are her shoulders slumped? Is she twisting her hands nervously? Biting her lips? Shuffling her feet? Looking at the floor?

Sorry if that was not the type of help you were looking for, but hopefully I wasn't completely off. I just wanted to give you some feedback.
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Old 12-09-2008, 03:10 AM   #49
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Agreed. Instead of just "She did this, she had that", try to be more creative about describing her - tell me what she's doing with her body, not just that it's there. Maybe she's scrunching that cute nose of hers, or peering shyly through her bangs with her startling light blue eyes.

"Meekly" is the only clue we're given as to her personality or state of mind, which can be part of her appearance as well. It was frustrating for me to try to imagine that girl because she seemed to have no personality shine through at all, not even a boring one. Is she standing proudly or are her shoulders slumped? Is she twisting her hands nervously? Biting her lips? Shuffling her feet? Looking at the floor?

Sorry if that was not the type of help you were looking for, but hopefully I wasn't completely off. I just wanted to give you some feedback.
A rule I make when writing is to try not to repeat phrases within a short distance of each other (a few paragraphs at least) and also not start sentences with the same word, fairly much within a visual page length.

This forces me to think of alternative ways to describe the scene/action and lends to a richer more varied narrative, which is a component of good writing.
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:39 AM   #50
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Dammit 100 words isnt enough

To me she was a sprite, a spirit of the night and the moonlight hugged her in its luminance. She was an English rose given life. Her flesh was pale porcelain, unblemished, perfect. A mane of rust coloured curls flowed down her slender neck like an avalanche of colour against her shoulders.

Rain was falling gently and I watched her lithe form leap gracefully from puddle to puddle uncaring of her nakedness. I watched as her tongue emerged from her elegant lips to lick the rivulets of water running down her face. I knew she was an angel
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