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Old 09-14-2008, 08:51 PM   #1
sophia jane
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Swinging, group sex, threesomes, orgies, and more!

Well, maybe not the more part.

I've spent the bulk of my weekend "researching" the above mentioned happenings, and it's piqued my interest quite a bit. I'm super curious if any of us here have experience with swinging, groups, threesomes, sex parties, etc etc and what those experiences were. (I'm more than happy to get pm's if anyone wants to keep their details private!).

Basically, I'm thinking about branching out, as it were, into the great unknown (ie swinging) and I'm doing what I do best: researching the hell out of it first.

So upsides? Downsides? Things to watch for? Great experiences? Suggestions?

In return, I promise to tell you all my naughty details if I ever do anything fun.
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:34 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by sophia jane View Post
Well, maybe not the more part.

...
So upsides? Downsides? Things to watch for? Great experiences? Suggestions?

In return, I promise to tell you all my naughty details if I ever do anything fun.
OK, upside, you meet some great people. Downside, you meet some that aren't great.

Always have an offsite meet with safety calls. ALWAYS.
Avoid Jealousy, and yes, there is quite a bit of it out there.
Go in with an open mind but an idea of what you want and what you can't stand. You aren't obliged to anyone but yourself.
No always means No. Stop always means stop.
Be prepared to go places just to mix and mingle.
HWP- height/weight proportionate is a stopper for some, but personalities are always worth more than looks.

If you want to talk more, pm me.
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:39 PM   #3
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I've never been part of the swing community, because I like to actually be acquainted with the people I have sex with. But I have had threesomes, and I hold play/sex parties* at my home four times a year.

My girlfriend and my friend-with-benefits are each other's girlfriend and boyfriend (polyamory can be complicated!), and if we're all at an event together, such as one of my parties, none of us wants any of the others to feel left out, so we usually have a threesome then. Yes, we're having a threesome because it's more polite than separating into couples. :-)

My parties are mostly play parties (for BDSM play), but the attic is carpeted with mattresses, and people can have sex up there in whatever combinations they choose to. I'm told that people usually start off in couples, but by the end of the night, they've often become one or more giant puppy piles. I usually don't make it up to the attic, because I'm down in the basement flogging people and torturing nipples. You know it's a good party when there's an orgy in your attic, and you don't have time to check it out. :-)


You might want to read The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt. The book is a little more breathlessly enthusiastic than I think is warranted, but there's still plenty of good information in there. There's a guide to etiquette for BDSM play parties, and the advice in there is mostly applicable to vanilla sex parties, as well: http://www.the-iron-gate.com/essays/18

Upsides, Downsides, Things to watch out for, Great experiences, and Suggestions give me a lot of categories to address, and I don't want to monopolize the discussion. How about if you ask a specific question or two?



*The parties are smallish and by invitation only. No need to PM me asking for an invitation -- if I want to invite someone, I'll PM them before the next party.
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Last edited by Corylea : 09-14-2008 at 09:43 PM. Reason: Added potentially helpful references
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Old 09-14-2008, 09:54 PM   #4
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SJ,

I have personal experience with several of the items you are asking about. If you need some insights, give me an email or PM.... I have no problem discussing it with you.

I also wrote a how to about this I think last year or so.
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Old 09-14-2008, 10:06 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sophia jane View Post
Well, maybe not the more part.

I've spent the bulk of my weekend "researching" the above mentioned happenings, and it's piqued my interest quite a bit. I'm super curious if any of us here have experience with swinging, groups, threesomes, sex parties, etc etc and what those experiences were. (I'm more than happy to get pm's if anyone wants to keep their details private!).

Basically, I'm thinking about branching out, as it were, into the great unknown (ie swinging) and I'm doing what I do best: researching the hell out of it first.

So upsides? Downsides? Things to watch for? Great experiences? Suggestions?
In my limited experience it's all about communication and mutual respect. I've no idea how that might map onto BDSM.

1. Make sure your primary partner(s) share your aims before the event.
2. Have fun without disrespect to anyone involved - make it fun for them too.
3. If the others involved share the above axioms, you can have lots of fun.

As i said, my experience is limited, but I do have some.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:11 AM   #6
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Thanks. Keep the info coming (no pun intended, really).

I suspect a few of you will be getting pm's in the next day or two. I understand how the process works in theory, and I've read up on standards/rules/suggestions but I guess I want to know what it's really like and if I'm totally crazy to think I can make such things happen for real in my life in a way that I would enjoy and be comfortable with.

So...anyway...more please.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:22 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by sophia jane View Post
Thanks. Keep the info coming (no pun intended, really).

I suspect a few of you will be getting pm's in the next day or two. I understand how the process works in theory, and I've read up on standards/rules/suggestions but I guess I want to know what it's really like and if I'm totally crazy to think I can make such things happen for real in my life in a way that I would enjoy and be comfortable with.

So...anyway...more please.
Can I just say - yum?

And having had just a brief taste - I want more?

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Old 09-15-2008, 12:26 AM   #8
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Could you talk to Hot Mama?

We're sooooooooo vanilla.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:28 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by voluptuary_manque View Post
Could you talk to Hot Mama?

We're sooooooooo vanilla.
Give Hot Mama a copy of The Ethical Slut, then have her call me. *smile*
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Old 09-15-2008, 03:28 AM   #10
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Someone already mentioned the need for communication.

I've been in a few threesomes... and it is all about communication between the parties involved. Sure, if you are the "guest star", that is a little less intense as far as emotional implications.

But I've only filled that role once. Yes, it was a blast.

But if you are part of a couple and you are thinking about inviting a third into the picture, it can be far more complicated.

I've had massive fun and had little if any complications later. I've had a great time and then later had it uncover problems. And I've had things that just were a bit off from the get go and no one quite knew how to say stop.

I think they can be great. But I think that you need to be very open and honest about them and not hold back if you are feeling even a little bit freaked out or strange. I don't mean nervous, necessarily. Nerves before doing anything new are normal. But if something feels weird and you don't think it is nerves, talk about it.

Seriously. One girlfriend and I ended up having a three-way with her ex because he talked both of us into thinking the other one wanted it and was afraid to bring it up. We figured out the deception later and it was a contributing factor to an eventual parting.

So, am I gonna speak against opening things up? HELL NO. All I am saying is walk forward holding hands and with your eyes (and mouths) wide open.
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Old 09-15-2008, 08:32 AM   #11
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Biggest point of advice is to know WHY you're diving into the pool.

If you're just sharing skin & all getting off together, I think it's fabulously fun & I highly recommend it.

If you're prone to niggling insecurities, be extra cautious -- 'cause things happen in three- or more-somes that can prey on your mind. Little things can get blown WAY out of proportion and then take on meaning that was never intended. I don't particularly like the number 3 for this reason. Gimme 4.

If you're part of a couple, you have to think beyond the orgasms. Are you indulging because you (individual) want it, because your partner wants it, or because you both want it? I'm a firm believer that open relationships take as much--if not more--effort to maintain because they're continually tested in the most intimate ways. Being someone who doesn't want to BE in a relationship that's based on false pretenses, I want to know when/if the climate changes. Yeah, it might hurt, but truth has a way of doing that.

I hope, when you do dive in, that it's everything you want it to be.
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Old 09-15-2008, 09:01 AM   #12
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I've had some limited experience in this...... although I've never been involved in an all out orgy....
I've been to 2 naughty lifestyle clubs, had a handful of personal meetings between me and a couple, and have also been to 3 hotel takeover parties..

People have a misconception of what the swinging community is all about....

Those who are immersed in it, just don't hop into bed with anyone... They don't have sex with strangers they just meet.... People get to know each other.....

I'm extremely turned on by the idea of threesomes and possibly moresomes.... Having more than one body to excite, tease, taste, pleasure, while doing the same to you is incredibly fascinating to me...

For the last year and a half I've been seeing one couple where all 3 of us get together on a weekend night and share... I haven't been with them in a few months though.... We totally trust each other and know what we want....

It's something I look forward to participating in again for sure...
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:29 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by impressive View Post
Biggest point of advice is to know WHY you're diving into the pool.

If you're just sharing skin & all getting off together, I think it's fabulously fun & I highly recommend it.

If you're prone to niggling insecurities, be extra cautious -- 'cause things happen in three- or more-somes that can prey on your mind. Little things can get blown WAY out of proportion and then take on meaning that was never intended. I don't particularly like the number 3 for this reason. Gimme 4.

If you're part of a couple, you have to think beyond the orgasms. Are you indulging because you (individual) want it, because your partner wants it, or because you both want it? I'm a firm believer that open relationships take as much--if not more--effort to maintain because they're continually tested in the most intimate ways. Being someone who doesn't want to BE in a relationship that's based on false pretenses, I want to know when/if the climate changes. Yeah, it might hurt, but truth has a way of doing that.

I hope, when you do dive in, that it's everything you want it to be.
This is good advice- thanks.
I think when I go into these kinds of situations it will be as a single, so I'm hoping that will eliminate any emotional type issues for me. I hope.

I think what prompted all this is that (as you and others know) I've had ongoing threesome fantasies, etc but haven't followed through on them, for one reason or another. And the other day I asked myself why not. I had no good reason, so I thought I'd explore the idea, at least as a theory, to see how I feel about it and what I want to do from here.
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Old 09-15-2008, 10:57 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by sophia jane View Post
This is good advice- thanks.
I think when I go into these kinds of situations it will be as a single, so I'm hoping that will eliminate any emotional type issues for me. I hope.

I think what prompted all this is that (as you and others know) I've had ongoing threesome fantasies, etc but haven't followed through on them, for one reason or another. And the other day I asked myself why not. I had no good reason, so I thought I'd explore the idea, at least as a theory, to see how I feel about it and what I want to do from here.
Are all of your explorations going to be straight?

If not, you need to realize that there are a whole nother set of dynamics when you are involved in Bi or lesbian groupings.
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Old 09-15-2008, 11:26 AM   #15
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Can I just say - yum?

And having had just a brief taste - I want more?

Notices the question mark at the end of the 2nd sentence...... hmmmmm
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:10 PM   #16
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If you're bi, that's one thing. If you're a straight F in an FMM, that's another thing too. That can be fun. But for a straight male in an FMM, or a straight F in a FFM, it's not all that great, at least in my opinion.

Like a lot of things in porn, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy. I was in one MMF 3-way that was kind of awkward. Of course, it was with a couple of friends, so it had all the baggage of sex with friends, and we were all so concerned not to leave the other one out that we could hardly relax and enjoy it. I guess she liked it okay, but my latent homophobia kicked in or something, so I was self conscious, and really, I would have rather just been alone with her. The sight of someone you know going down on someone you know really isn't all that arousing, if you ask me.

The problem is, what you really want in sex is someone who's selfish about taking. That's what makes a great lover. In 3-ways people are usually on their best behavior and you get a lot of polite giving: A lot of Alphone-Gaston stuff. No passion or emotional spontaneity. In reality, 3-ways can be kind of self-conscious and mechanical.

But to each their own.
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Old 09-15-2008, 12:48 PM   #17
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The problem is, what you really want in sex is someone who's selfish about taking. That's what makes a great lover. In 3-ways people are usually on their best behavior and you get a lot of polite giving: A lot of Alphone-Gaston stuff. No passion or emotional spontaneity. In reality, 3-ways can be kind of self-conscious and mechanical.
While I prefer to have sex in pairs rather than triads, I'm involved with two people who are also involved with each other, and there are occasions when a threesome just makes more sense*. What you need in that situation, to overcome the Alphonse-Gaston stuff, is a director. S is very good at taking direction and can figure out what I want him to do with the merest hint. If I start sucking on R's right nipple and then look at him, he starts sucking on her left nipple. It doesn't take real big cues to coordinate with someone else, as long as you and the someone else aren't nervous about being in bed together. (If you are, then there isn't much that can salvage the situation.)

S and I enjoy giving each other R tips, too. "Have you seen what she does if you pinch her nipples REALLY hard?" "Have you seen how she is when you find her G spot?" It's like giving your dining partner a taste of a delicacy that you know they'll enjoy. :-)

Mechanicalness has not been a problem for S and R and me, but having each of us be involved with each of the other two may be an unusual variety of threesome, I don't know.


*You know you're having an interesting life when there are occasions when a threesome just makes more sense. :-)
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Old 09-15-2008, 02:34 PM   #18
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I could give really lengthy and detailed advice, but work calls at the moment, so I'll just mention the one point I think is key for a noob:

Venues vary greatly. At some clubs, you won't find anyone who is less than very polite and respectful, there will be a reasonable gender balance, etc. Others are downright creepy, full of packs of wankers who will grope you (and more) if they manage to get in range. Some are social to the point of being kind of boringly slow paced, others are full of encounters between people who don't even bother to ask first names.

So, at least the first time you visit a club or group, I'd recommend that you go with a very trusted friend, who you can count on to make sure that you're safe & happy, and have someone to talk to that you're comfortable with. Someone who you know won't blab about it afterwards, too.

That's not to suggest that everyone has a friend like that, many of the people reading this would probably be at a loss to name even one candidate for the job. But if you do know of someone like that, strongly consider it.

And if you don't... make more kinky friends! :-D
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Old 09-15-2008, 03:13 PM   #19
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I could give really lengthy and detailed advice, but work calls at the moment, so I'll just mention the one point I think is key for a noob:

Venues vary greatly. At some clubs, you won't find anyone who is less than very polite and respectful, there will be a reasonable gender balance, etc. Others are downright creepy, full of packs of wankers who will grope you (and more) if they manage to get in range. Some are social to the point of being kind of boringly slow paced, others are full of encounters between people who don't even bother to ask first names.

So, at least the first time you visit a club or group, I'd recommend that you go with a very trusted friend, who you can count on to make sure that you're safe & happy, and have someone to talk to that you're comfortable with. Someone who you know won't blab about it afterwards, too.

That's not to suggest that everyone has a friend like that, many of the people reading this would probably be at a loss to name even one candidate for the job. But if you do know of someone like that, strongly consider it.

And if you don't... make more kinky friends! :-D
Which is not something that's easy to do, some places. Better safe than sorry, though.
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You poor, deluded bear--glynndah

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Old 09-15-2008, 03:42 PM   #20
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A lot of great advice here.

Echoing imp: Know why you want to jump in. The why will direct the what and who, and may save you some squicky moments.

Take it slow. Most groups will have a meet and greet or vanilla parties. A time to get to know each other. We have to have a connection with anyone we play with, beyond physical attraction, so these times have been very important to us.

Trust yourself. If something or someone "feels" squicky, trust that feeling. If you learn more and later find you want to play with them, no loss. Your gut is an excellent barometer.

No expectations. We walk into every house party, club, and event with no expectations beyond just relaxing and enjoying each other. We are open to whatever might develop, but have learned the hard way that having expectations usually means disappointment.

Safety first. Seems obvious, but can't be stated enough. It's been said here, but I repeat: Don't go to a club alone, especially the first few times. You need someone you trust to be there. We don't meet anyone for play that we have not gotten to know, but if you arrange a meet, safety calls are a must. Two way safety calls. Get as much information about the person as possible.

Don't over analyze. We have learned, as imp said, little things can mean big problems. We handle this by looking at the totality of the experience, rather than each little detail.

Watch out for jealousy. You are going in single... and will be in great demand. Watch the couple for little signs of problems between them. Some people bring their issues to the table. We have several couples in the lifestyle with whom we are friends, but would never play, because they have unresolved issues. We aren't looking for drama.

Have fun. LOL, after all those caveats, I tell you to have fun. But you will. We have a blast every time we are out, whether we play with others, only each other, or just relax and have a great time. It is wonderful to be with people who accept you and your kinks. You can relax and be yourself. Sure, like any situation, you will meet some great friends and some slimy people, that's just life.

Enjoy the journey.
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:15 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zoots_owner View Post
I could give really lengthy and detailed advice, but work calls at the moment, so I'll just mention the one point I think is key for a noob:

Venues vary greatly. At some clubs, you won't find anyone who is less than very polite and respectful, there will be a reasonable gender balance, etc. Others are downright creepy, full of packs of wankers who will grope you (and more) if they manage to get in range. Some are social to the point of being kind of boringly slow paced, others are full of encounters between people who don't even bother to ask first names.

So, at least the first time you visit a club or group, I'd recommend that you go with a very trusted friend, who you can count on to make sure that you're safe & happy, and have someone to talk to that you're comfortable with. Someone who you know won't blab about it afterwards, too.

That's not to suggest that everyone has a friend like that, many of the people reading this would probably be at a loss to name even one candidate for the job. But if you do know of someone like that, strongly consider it.

And if you don't... make more kinky friends! :-D
That's an unusual name.

--Zoot
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:45 PM   #22
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That's an unusual name.

--Zoot
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'Sir Galahad... the Chaste'.
ZOOT:
Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'.
http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/grail-11.htm
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:48 PM   #23
AvoidingRealWork
What? Me?? Never!
 
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There are times when I wish I weren't so morally upstanding.

Sadly, my talents and abilities will remain known only to one other person.
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Old 09-15-2008, 07:50 PM   #24
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse View Post
If you're bi, that's one thing. If you're a straight F in an FMM, that's another thing too. That can be fun. But for a straight male in an FMM, or a straight F in a FFM, it's not all that great, at least in my opinion.

Like a lot of things in porn, the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy. I was in one MMF 3-way that was kind of awkward. Of course, it was with a couple of friends, so it had all the baggage of sex with friends, and we were all so concerned not to leave the other one out that we could hardly relax and enjoy it. I guess she liked it okay, but my latent homophobia kicked in or something, so I was self conscious, and really, I would have rather just been alone with her. The sight of someone you know going down on someone you know really isn't all that arousing, if you ask me.

The problem is, what you really want in sex is someone who's selfish about taking. That's what makes a great lover. In 3-ways people are usually on their best behavior and you get a lot of polite giving: A lot of Alphone-Gaston stuff. No passion or emotional spontaneity. In reality, 3-ways can be kind of self-conscious and mechanical.

But to each their own.
In the bad old days there was a cure for that, started with the letter "Quaalude."

I will never forget the sight of my gay best friend's face, when my straight boyfriend swallowed him down without a moment's hesitation. Not arousing? Speak for yourself!
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Old 09-16-2008, 03:18 PM   #25
AchtungNight
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Lots of great advice given already. Especially by OLW, Corylea, Sweetness, and Zoots.

Despite my stories, I have very little personal swinging experience. Most of my knowledge comes from research, which I admit is probably not as great as it could be. Other bits come from imagination, which does compensate some.

The one gf I've ever swung with is a longtime on-again off-again romantic hookup. We've known each other almost 11 years (anniversary next week) and been together for most of that. About eight and a half years ago, she decided she wanted to explore bisexuality as part of her college experimentation. Like most guys, I had hopes of where this might lead, so I said okay. This soon matured into us having a full-blown open relationship (which we have since maintained, even if our only regular lovers remain her for me and me plus one steady girlfriend for her). She saw women on her own for a while, still seeing me on the side. Then, after a few months, she brought a longtime female friend of mine and hers over for a threesome. It was about everything I expected, when I got realistic.

The three of us hooked up together again a few times in the months following that, but then my relationship with the gf disintegrated for about a year. She left town and moved to Corpus. I saw the longtime female friend again one-on-one for a few months, but we decided we were better friends than lovers, so it didn't really last. She then moved away too, to Dallas. The gf came back and we hooked up again with her choice and my okay. We have had a couple threesomes in the years since- one MMF with my best guy friend and one FFM with her steady girlfriend- but we are more one on one these days. The option for further group sex remains open, though, if we're inclined.

I've only ever been to a swinging club twice in my life, not counting the Asian brothel where I lost my virginity. The first time, the gf and I attended out of curiosity, but were both so turned off by what happened there we had to leave. Gropers like Zoot mentioned were about, and I have never been comfortable with non-consensual groping. Nor has my gf. We talked about the experience afterwards, and decided neither one of us was comfortable with the idea of swinging. Too many unknows. If we had a better experience with it, though, we decided we might change our minds.

The second time was a few years later, after the earlier mentioned breakup and relationship revival. We went to a different club- strictly for my research. I had decided to write erotica and wanted to do a swinging story, but I wanted to get it as right as I could. We asked the club owner if we could just stay off to the sidelines and take note of what we observed, maybe interview a few people, and she said that was fine. Apparently, a lot of first-timers had the same MO. This club was much nicer than the first, the people far more accomodating. I learned a lot, and the gf and I swore at the end of the night we would go back there someday and try being active participants in the action.

It's been almost two years now, and we haven't gotten around to it yet.
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