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Ignoring as a punishment.

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locked_tight

Experienced
Joined
Jul 28, 2008
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35
Hello again guys :)

i was just reading a interesting essay on ignoring as a form of punishment. i'll include the link so you can read it if you want.

http://www.withinreality.com/ignore.html

Basically what i mean is when the submissive has done something wrong, the Dominant ignores them, whether it be by ignoring their existance completely, or perhaps not letting them be submissive to them anymore (ie. they suddenly become like an equal partner)

the author of the essay goes on to give her reasons behind why she thinks this form of punishment is best left alone.

She brings up the fact that she thinks many submissives can have self-esteem issues and sometimes abandonment issues, and those issues can cause a submissive to react, in a bad way, to this form of punishment.

She also brings up the idea that it can cause the submissive to think they are not worthy, that the Dominant is going to walk out everytime they slip up, and that basically the Dominant just doesn't care. The submissive can begin to fear the Dominant. The self-esteem can drop further thus putting massive physcological strain upon the submissive.

She then brings up the idea of 'time-out' in the same essay, saying that she knows some Dominants who think that time-out is the same as ignoring a submissive for a set amount of time. She disagrees herself, seeing time-out as a quick response to a behavioural problem that is not drawn out.

Now i pretty much agree with what she has written in the essay. However, i don't believe that a majority of submissives have low self-esteem, abandonment issues etc, but anyway, that wasn't my point, hehe.

What i was wondering, was what you all thought about this subject. Have you had this punishment used upon you, have you dealt it out? How did it make you feel? Do you believe that this is a acceptable form of punishment? Do you believe 'time-out' is a better alternative to ignoring?

By the way, that website has a few really good essays on there written by a 24/7 M/s couple. It is a very insightful and honest look into the llifestyle.
 
locked_tight said:
Hello again guys :)

i was just reading a interesting essay on ignoring as a form of punishment. i'll include the link so you can read it if you want.

http://www.withinreality.com/ignore.html

Basically what i mean is when the submissive has done something wrong, the Dominant ignores them, whether it be by ignoring their existance completely, or perhaps not letting them be submissive to them anymore (ie. they suddenly become like an equal partner)

the author of the essay goes on to give her reasons behind why she thinks this form of punishment is best left alone.

She brings up the fact that she thinks many submissives can have self-esteem issues and sometimes abandonment issues, and those issues can cause a submissive to react, in a bad way, to this form of punishment.

She also brings up the idea that it can cause the submissive to think they are not worthy, that the Dominant is going to walk out everytime they slip up, and that basically the Dominant just doesn't care. The submissive can begin to fear the Dominant. The self-esteem can drop further thus putting massive physcological strain upon the submissive.

She then brings up the idea of 'time-out' in the same essay, saying that she knows some Dominants who think that time-out is the same as ignoring a submissive for a set amount of time. She disagrees herself, seeing time-out as a quick response to a behavioural problem that is not drawn out.

Now i pretty much agree with what she has written in the essay. However, i don't believe that a majority of submissives have low self-esteem, abandonment issues etc, but anyway, that wasn't my point, hehe.

What i was wondering, was what you all thought about this subject. Have you had this punishment used upon you, have you dealt it out? How did it make you feel? Do you believe that this is a acceptable form of punishment? Do you believe 'time-out' is a better alternative to ignoring?

By the way, that website has a few really good essays on there written by a 24/7 M/s couple. It is a very insightful and honest look into the llifestyle.
Click to expand...


this is definitely the worst form of punishment in my view... luckily for me i don't have self-esteem issues, i pity the sub who does and is ignored :(
 
Having come out of a very long emotionally abusive marriage, I have real issues with using ignoring and emotional withdrawal as a punishment. My ex husband would go days without speaking to me and virtually treating me as if I didn't exist. It made me feel worthless and my self esteem hit rock bottom.

If anyone ever does this to me again, he will find himself kicked to the curb. Not very submissive of me maybe, but for my own self worth it will be a necessary thing. I remember all too well the "walking on eggshells", feeling alone and neglected, hurt and sad. In the end I became physically ill with a stomach ulcer from all the stress.

Luckily Sir does not believe in this form of punishment. Just the thought of Him being disappointed in me is enough......
 
Bandit58 said:
Having come out of a very long emotionally abusive marriage, I have real issues with using ignoring and emotional withdrawal as a punishment. My ex husband would go days without speaking to me and virtually treating me as if I didn't exist. It made me feel worthless and my self esteem hit rock bottom.

If anyone ever does this to me again, he will find himself kicked to the curb. Not very submissive of me maybe, but for my own self worth it will be a necessary thing. I remember all too well the "walking on eggshells", feeling alone and neglected, hurt and sad. In the end I became physically ill with a stomach ulcer from all the stress.

Luckily Sir does not believe in this form of punishment. Just the thought of Him being disappointed in me is enough......
Click to expand...

thankyou very much for sharing your story. i'm so happy you have found someone to make you feel the way you should .. needed, protected, and loved :)
 
I think for me (can only really guess as I'm not in a relationship right now) it would depend on the 'why' and the 'how' of the ignoring. If it were a matter of him being angry about something and needing to be in another room pretending I didn't exist for a little while to cool off and collect himself I think I would be o.k. with that. Lord knows I have my own temper and sometimes need to pull away from a situation so I can come back and discuss it calmly and rationally. If it were a matter of ignoring me even while I were right in front of him though, I don't think i would take it as well. Just the thought of being ignored like that tweaks out all my temper buttons.

It would likely push me to do something something stupid or mean to make him acknowledge me.
 
As a submissive, If I dissapoint my Sir... I can punish myself emotionally worse than anything he can do to me, I do not like to be ignored or made to pretend he doesnt exist an ex dom of mine used to do that to me and it drove me insane this time around I made my Sir promise me he would never do that to me, He can an does choose my punishments for my infractions but it never inclues being ignored he has threatened corner time but luckily Ive shut my mouth before it got to that, My mom taught me a valuble sentance when I was younger and it seems to have followed me. " My mouth and my attitude get me in more trouble than anything else I say or do" So IMHO I think any dominant who puts their sub on "ignore" isnt a healthy Dom.... It isnt very good to any sub to be treated like that.
 
By far, the worst punishment I recieve is cornor time. This is as close to being ignored as I can handle.

I have abandonment issues, and I'm upfront about that fact. As long as I know you are coming back, I'm okay, ie as long as a time limit is set to begin with.
 
Bandit58 said:
Having come out of a very long emotionally abusive marriage, I have real issues with using ignoring and emotional withdrawal as a punishment. My ex husband would go days without speaking to me and virtually treating me as if I didn't exist. It made me feel worthless and my self esteem hit rock bottom.

If anyone ever does this to me again, he will find himself kicked to the curb. Not very submissive of me maybe, but for my own self worth it will be a necessary thing. I remember all too well the "walking on eggshells", feeling alone and neglected, hurt and sad. In the end I became physically ill with a stomach ulcer from all the stress.

Luckily Sir does not believe in this form of punishment. Just the thought of Him being disappointed in me is enough......
Click to expand...
I feel the same as Bandit. Abusive marriage and stuff. Ignore me and we are done!

I think its lame honest. When you have s prob with me, fuckin tell me!! But do not dissapear for days or be all quiet, I fuckin hate that. It hurts my feelings and I cannot simply take that. I am all up for punishments when I need it, BUT do it in a respectful way! Ignore my tears and me feeling totaly shit aint what I expect from my Dominant! It makes me feel I mean totaly nothing to him and I do not accept this way of treating anymore. Like it or not. I had enough of this shits with my exhusband. So thank you I am not goin back into this.

So glad Jock understands how much I need his love. He would never ignore me. Makes me love him more. Ignore me are deffo HARD LIMITS for me. Do it and you will get the same shitty treating right back. Dom's who do this makes me wanna kick their asses bigtime. *nods*

If you wanna punish me, I recomend you to find different way cuz I am leaving once I am ignored. Easy as that. I cannot stand it.
 
I don't believe in ignoring as punishment.

I do ignore her though when I'm really, really pissed off to cool down. This happened twice in 5 years.
 
My Master kind of uses this as punishment. He doesn't go as far as making me feel worthless or not registering my existance. But there has been times where he won't touch me and is holding back on me. I know then I've done something wrong.

BUT, this was to my constent as well. I told him the only real way to punish me is to ignore me a little. Other wise i won't get the hint that something is wrong. I like spankings, so that isn't much of a punishment. There are other times where he'll chain me up in the corner (course, can't do that in this new place. =( ..... ) and just leave me there.

I have self esteem issues big time, after my ex they grew worse. Being with Master though they have come a long ways. But again, this doesn't cause me to feel worthless, it makes me realize that I did something wrong and it encourages me to fix it. He hates to ignore me also.... He does like to watch me squirm though when I'm chained to the wall lol. Luckily this hardly ever happens. :)
 
I've walked out of the room on her. Given her nerves a moment to recover. To give her mind a moment to recenter (or begin to unravel a little due to the momentary distance)....but ignoring another...it has a tendancy of cutting through your D/s scene/dynamic and goes right to your R/l connection to hurt that.

Atleast with the kinds of minds I enjoy.

But there are others out there who relish being ignored in antissipation of the moment they are "saved" and reconnected with.
Emotional massochists unite!

Meh....to each their own. Just not me.
 
twysted73 said:
But there are others out there who relish being ignored in anticipation of the moment they are "saved" and reconnected with.
Emotional masochists unite!
Click to expand...

Whoa, what an insightful statement. I'll really have to take a look at that in myself. I don't like being ignored, but I don't have a hard limit with it either. AND it really does build the anticipation for the eventual rescue and redemption.

That said, I do question whether or not it is good for the D/s dynamic generally. Course it depends on the situation, but from my observation, "ignore" was used as a lazy way to instill the fear of God [or Dom] into a sub regarding abandonment.

It's a passive aggressive method to instill fear and obedience. In the end, it might not pay off for the Dom because if a sub loses her joy in service, I mean why do it? Being a submissive isn't about being miserable all the time and in fear of being dumped for the slightest infraction. At least it isn't for me. It's all about really serving and pleasing someone else. The passive aggressive threat implicit in "ignore" doesn't promote happy happy submissive service [unless like twysted suggests, it is a nice little kink]. :cattail:
 
When I want to remind a guy of his place I'll sometimes defer to him, smarmily, pointing out how very rare it is to have a woman who's oriented as I am and who *enjoys* bossing him around, and reminding him he's lucky. That's pretty effective, I've found - they really do not like it.
 
There has been a few times when Daddy has needed a time out of his own. He told me about it ahead of time, something like "I am very disappointed, I need to take 3 days off to calm down. We will talk then" It is those very rare times that I know I have to give him his space and let him calm down. It is not meant as punishment and I don't take it mean anything really bad. He just needed time to think.

He would never ignore me for punishment.
 
What I get from the OP as "ignoring" would seem to me to be abusive, e.g., completely cutting the pyl off for an extended period of time, or denying her the ability to be my pyl. I don't believe I could do it, Sadist that I am.

"Time out," on the other hand, is a tactic I've used and will likely use in the future - a specified time during which she is not allowed to interact with me, and during which I do not interact with her. This would be a consequence for only the "upper tier" of misbehaviors: a severe penalty for a severe "crime."
 
twysted73 said:
But there are others out there who relish being ignored in antissipation of the moment they are "saved" and reconnected with.
Emotional massochists unite!
Click to expand...

You bring up a very interesting point here. i had not thought of it this way before.

And thankyou to everyone for sharing your thoughts on this topic. :)
 
twysted73 said:
Yes Bunny....I thought of you when I typed that and wondered if you'd rally. :rose:
Click to expand...

Since when did I become the go-to girl for the emotional maso stuff around here? :p

I have a lot I could say on the subject, but I don't really want to derail the OP's thread, so I won't. Suffice it to say, though, that being ignored and then having attention lavished on me, wash, rinse, repeat, is a hell of a way to get me submissive beyond belief IF you have the panache to pull it off. Most don't.
 
I've done it. For severe transgressions, a stubborn sub. You tell her what the consequences are, that you won't speak to her for an hour, four hours, whatever, if she does it again, and if she does it again, that's it.

You've got a masochistic sub, what else works?
 
Well, I see I might have misunderstood the topic. I took "ignore" to mean a complete lack of communication and/or understanding about "why" there was a silence. The silence done without prior knowledge. You know, just all of a sudden the PYL stops speaking or whatever--without explanation.

If the silence is explained, has purpose, blah blah blah, well then it isn't "being ignored" in my book. It's simply a time a silence, waiting and reflection. Or whatever other purpose the Dom has stated it is to be used for.

Those are two different animals in my opinion. :cattail:
 
Netzach said:
When I want to remind a guy of his place I'll sometimes defer to him, smarmily, .
Click to expand...

I've done this. Rather effective.

I've also "ignored", or "shunned" as I've put it. Pretty much the most serious thing I've done punishment-wise. It has happened once ever.
 
I have no self-esteem issues at all... but if the Master felt I needed to be ignored as a punishment, I'd accept it willingly (although might not like it)
 
dr_mabeuse said:
I've done it. For severe transgressions, a stubborn sub. You tell her what the consequences are, that you won't speak to her for an hour, four hours, whatever, if she does it again, and if she does it again, that's it.

You've got a masochistic sub, what else works?
Click to expand...
What you say above, Doc, I consider "time out," not ignoring as the OP seemed (to me) to be describing.

Caitlynne said:
Well, I see I might have misunderstood the topic. I took "ignore" to mean a complete lack of communication and/or understanding about "why" there was a silence. The silence done without prior knowledge. You know, just all of a sudden the PYL stops speaking or whatever--without explanation.

If the silence is explained, has purpose, blah blah blah, well then it isn't "being ignored" in my book. It's simply a time a silence, waiting and reflection. Or whatever other purpose the Dom has stated it is to be used for.

Those are two different animals in my opinion. :cattail:
Click to expand...
This is a better explanation of what I had read into the OP. Thank you.
 
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