Old 10-07-2008, 01:35 PM   #1576
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OK before any one starts to call me a racest or anything else let me say I am part Shawnee and I did find this funny.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,
"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces,
"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know -
you left your Injun running..."
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Old 10-07-2008, 01:38 PM   #1577
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Dictionary for Mothers

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
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Old 10-07-2008, 01:42 PM   #1578
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Food quotes

"Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead." -- Woody Allen

"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." -- Fran Lebowitz

"Health food makes me sick." -- Calvin Trillin

"Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face." -- Enrico Caruso

"Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get." -- Robert Orben
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Old 10-07-2008, 06:59 PM   #1579
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Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container o f alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
 

Old 10-07-2008, 07:24 PM   #1580
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Question of the day

Q. How many animals can fit in a pair of pantyhose?
>
>
>
>
>
Think you know?
>
>
>
>
>
>
Are you sure?
>
>
>
>
>
>
Ten piggies,

Two calves,

One ass,

An unknown number of hares,

and of course, one pussy.

C'mon, you know you're laughing.
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 10-07-2008, 07:57 PM   #1581
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Sister Mary Anne was on her way to help elderly people in the nursing home when the parish van ran out of gas. Fortunately, there was a Shell station nearby so she went to get some gas.

The attendant said their only gas can was loaned out, so she trudged back to the van, wondering what to do next. Then she saw a bedpan under a seat and had an idea. She took it to the station, filled it with gas, returned and began pouring into the tank.

Two Baptists were watching her from across the road. One turned to the other and said, "If that van starts, I'm turning Catholic."
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 10-07-2008, 11:23 PM   #1582
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Brain Exercise

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain.

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still a MENSA candidate. OK, relax, clear your
mind and . . . begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

The answer is bread. If you said "toast", then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread", go to question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate such as "Children's World". If you said, "water" then proceed to question three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?

Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks", what the heck are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass", then go on to
question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically
divided into West Germany and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If
you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one degree", you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for goodness sake! It was YOU, Read the first line!!!
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:25 PM   #1583
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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:27 PM   #1584
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Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:29 PM   #1585
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There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........
When I was 20............... I was curious about it.
When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:32 PM   #1586
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These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
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Old 10-07-2008, 11:41 PM   #1587
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Male Wisdom


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Virginity can be cured.

Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed' many men still sleep with their wives.
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Old 10-08-2008, 12:09 AM   #1588
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DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations is perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow— but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released— and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


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, n., a small fore and aft sail generally hoisted on the mainmast under storm conditions.



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Old 10-08-2008, 09:44 PM   #1589
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trysail View Post

DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations is perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow— but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released— and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.



not fond of cats, but that's just funny.
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Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 10-08-2008, 11:21 PM   #1590
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God's Creations

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.


Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.


Then he added a mouth…

RUINING THE WHOLE DAMN THING.
 

Old 10-08-2008, 11:26 PM   #1591
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You know you're a cat person when...

...you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litter box."

...you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.

...you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.

...you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.

...you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.

...you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!

...you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.

...you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.

...you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.

...your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."

...you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.

...you refer to your cat as your furry child.

...your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."

...you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.

...you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!

...you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.

...you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."

...you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.

...you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.

...you and kitty have matching outfits.

...your spouse says, "Me or the cat!," and there's no hesitation.

...you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.

...your favorite friends have fleas.

...you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat box.

...you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.

...you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.

...you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.

...you meow so well, you confuse the cats.

...you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between 9-Lives and Amore ... at length.
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Old 10-08-2008, 11:32 PM   #1592
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Free Kittens

Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS" next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front.

The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's Senator Obama.

"Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?" he asked.


"Kittens" Little Mary Pat says.

"They're so small, their eyes are not even open yet."



"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.


"Democrats" says Little Mary Pat.



The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.


Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens.



It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.



The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the
"FREE KITTENS"
sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason..



Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.



"Now, don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today."



"Yes sir," Mary Pat said, "They are all REPUBLICAN kittens."



Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS."



Little Mary Pat says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."



LET'S HOPE AMERICA OPENS THEIR EYES BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
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Old 10-08-2008, 11:33 PM   #1593
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I heard my wife crying in the bathroom.



"Honey? What's wrong" I asked.



"Oh, George! Just look at me: I'm getting so old! I have more gray in my hair than blonde, I have varicose veins on both of my legs, and I'm just fat and wrinkled all over! I really need someone to say something positive about me right now!"



I looked deeply into her eyes and said softly: "Your vision's real good, honey. That's something, isn't it?"



And that's when the fight started....

- - -

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.



"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"



And that's when the fight started....

- - -

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"



"No," she answered.



I then said, "Is that your final answer?"



She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."



So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



And that's when the fight started....
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Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 10-08-2008, 11:34 PM   #1594
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It was beautiful summer morning. Three old ladies were sitting on a bench in the park sunning themselves, when a man came and flashed them.

Immediately, one woman had a stroke. Few minutes later the second one had a stroke. The third one was too old and too frail to reach out.

 

Old 10-09-2008, 10:02 AM   #1595
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The Wizard of Oz - Alternate Ending

Check this alternate ending out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6exm2Hi28Xw
 

Old 10-09-2008, 01:33 PM   #1596
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Presidential preference test

This will help you decide who you would vote for president in the general
election





Just for fun, take this test...

ABC has a test at the link below to see who's campaign
statements you agree with most, McCain or Obama. They
don't tell you who made the statements, of course, but a
statement made by each candidate on the same topic (economy,
immigration, judiciary, etc.) will be side by side. You just
pick which statement you agree with. After selecting all 13,
you'll find out which candidate's philosophy you
support. No tricks are involved, just carefully read the
statements before making your choice.

http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Match...age?id=5542139


I ended up with McCain 12-1 I just voted what I felt was right. You don't need to post your score. Just try and vote your conscience. No one else will see it.
 

Old 10-09-2008, 05:46 PM   #1597
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A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing ?'

She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, ' Welcome to the Republican party.'
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Old 10-09-2008, 10:22 PM   #1598
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CRABBY OLD MAN & (woman)
When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in North
Platte, Nebraska, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They
found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies
were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

One nurse took her copy to Missouri. The old man's sole bequest to
posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine
of the St. Louis Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has
also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the
author of this ' anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? ...What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ....not very wise,
Uncertain of habit ........with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice.....'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice ...the things that you do.
And forever is losing ......... A sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding... The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?... Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am ... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, ......as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mo ther,
Brothers and sisters .........who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen ...with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now.........a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty ...my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows.....that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide .... And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ........ My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ....... With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons ...have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ... Babies play ' round my knee,
Again, we know children ...... My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me ... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ..............I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years....... And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age ...look like a fool.
The bod y, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass ... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again .......my battered heart swells
I remember the joys........... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.
I think of the years .all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ........open and see..
Not a crabby old man... Look closer....see........ME!!


Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all, one day, be
there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.

God Bless
 

Old 10-09-2008, 10:31 PM   #1599
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Priceless

LIFE AFTER DEATH :
'DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?' THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
'YES, SIR,' THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
'WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,' THE BOSS WENT ON. 'AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!

PALM SUNDAY :
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. 'PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY.'
'WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT,' THE BOY FUMED, 'THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!'

CHILDREN'S SERMON :
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, 'WHAT'S IN HERE?' 'I KNOW!' A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. 'PANTYHOSE !! '

SUPPORT A FAMILY :
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, 'YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?'
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, 'WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES.'

FIRST TIME USHERS ! :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, 'DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE.'

PRAYERS :
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, 'NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?' 'NO SIR,' HE REPLIED, 'WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!'

CLIMB THE WALLS :
'OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,' THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. 'NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US.'
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. 'WHAT TRICK IS THAT?' SHE ASKED.
'I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT,' THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE WATER PISTOL :
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, 'I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?'
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... 'I REMEMBER!!'


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie ?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


Little Timmy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Timmy. 'Giving up?'


GRANDMA'S AGE :

LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, '39 AND HOLDING.'
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, 'AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?'
 

Old 10-09-2008, 10:48 PM   #1600
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Tah-dah!

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine. (ahhhh!)

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head. (tah-dah!)
 
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