Old 06-28-2008, 05:40 PM   #126
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HI Sarahh

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post


I have a couple of music degrees, yes.

My first instrument was in the brass family but now I do play them all.

And there are many more music jokes out there - many, many more.

I agree, I can think of quite a few but you are too nice to include in them. LOL Thanks for contributing on this thread. Feel free to post some more instrument jokes. What are your music degrees in? If I may ask? Are you still active in music?
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Old 06-29-2008, 12:49 AM   #127
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Colonoscopy Time

MOST OF US HAVE BEEN THERE……………………THIS IS CUTE!!!

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,'which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.'This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Edd ie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that th e song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 

Old 06-29-2008, 01:10 AM   #128
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Two rednecks hire a plane to fly them to Alaska so they can hunt moose. They bag six. When they begin to load the plane, the pilot tells them they can only load four moose, the plane won't fly with the weight of six. "Now jest a durn minnit," says Luther. "We done this last year and we done took off with six moose."

"And thet plane weren't any bigger than you'rn,"says Cletus.

They argue for a while and the pilot gives in. All six moose are put on board.

The plane barely gets off the ground, flies for a short time and crashes.

They stagger out of the wreck and Cletus says "Where do you reckon we are?"

Luther looks around and says, "Pear's to be th' place where we done crashed last year."
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Old 06-29-2008, 04:55 PM   #129
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Good Housekeeping Tip

Good Housekeeping Tip
Another Maxine Tip ...

Always keep several
get well cards on the mantle...
So if unexpected guests arrive,
They will think you've been sick
and unable to clean!
 

Old 06-30-2008, 03:25 PM   #130
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Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day... or so they say.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Ca ll Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
 

Old 06-30-2008, 05:46 PM   #131
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Classifieds...
I liked these.
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Old 06-30-2008, 05:49 PM   #132
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This one today

I was once introduced to a cute young lady early one evening at the bar. When she asked what my name was I said "Chance." She said, "Chance, who?" I said, "Chance. Do I have one?" She was kind of taken back, but quickly said "that's cute." when she realized it was a pick-up line. she said that she would hook up with me on the fact that it was a pick-up line she hadnt heard and that I had the courage to be that bold!
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Old 07-01-2008, 10:49 PM   #133
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NEW UCLA STUDY
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
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, n., a small fore and aft sail generally hoisted on the mainmast under storm conditions.



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Old 07-01-2008, 11:07 PM   #134
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Smile Yep!

Quote:
Originally Posted by trysail View Post
NEW UCLA STUDY
A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
I think I married that woman.
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:18 PM   #135
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post


I have a couple of music degrees, yes.

My first instrument was in the brass family but now I do play them all.

And there are many more music jokes out there - many, many more.

Ah Sarahh... great minds again. However this musician joke comes from my father. He said it everytime I told him I was getting music performance degrees.



What do you call a musician without a boyfriend?
Homeless.
 

Old 07-02-2008, 04:16 AM   #136
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This one is apparently true.

From The Book of Heroic Failures

__________

The Worst Phrasebook

Pedro Caralino is one of the all-time greats. In 1883 he wrote an English-Portuguese phrasebook despite having little or no command of the English language.

His greatly recommended book The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English has now been reprinted under the title English As She is spoke.

After a brief dedication:

"We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him, and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the acception of the studious persons, and especially of the youth, at which we dedicate him particularly."

Carolino kicks off with some "Familiar phrases" which the Portuguese holidaymaker might find useful. Among these are:
Dress your hairs
This hat go well
Undress you to
Exculpate me by your brother's
She make the prude
Do you cut the hairs?
He has tost his all good
He then moves on to "Famiiliar Dialogues" which include "For to wish the good morning," and "For to visit a sick."

Dialogue 18 - "For to ride a horse" - begins: "Here is a horse who have bad looks. Give me another. I will not that. He not sall how to march, he is pursy, he is foundered. Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is unshoed, he is with nails up."

In the section on "Anecdotes" Carolino offers the following guaranteed to enthrall any listener:

"One eyed was laied against a man who had not good eyes that he saw better than him. The party was accepted. I had gain, over said the one eyed; why I se you two eyes, and you not look me who one."

It is difficult to top that, but Carolino manages in a section of "Idiotisms and proverbs." These include:
Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss
He eat to coaches
The take is better than the two you shall have
The stone as roll not heap up not foam
and the well know expression:

The dog than bark not bite

Carolino's particular genius was aided be the fact that he did not posses an English-Portuguese dictionary. However he did possess Portuguese-French and French-English dictionaries through both of which he dragged his original expressions. The results yield language of originality and great beauty. Is there antyhing in conventional English which could equal the vividness of "To craunch a marmoset"?
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Old 07-02-2008, 07:08 AM   #137
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Another Oldie

All Seniors aren't Senile!


An older, white haired man walked into a jewellers store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old
man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.
 

Old 07-02-2008, 07:11 AM   #138
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Grandparents

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.

He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones, who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

..... PRICELESS
 

Old 07-02-2008, 07:22 AM   #139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
All Seniors aren't Senile!


An older, white haired man walked into a jewellers store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old
man. 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!

Don't mess with Old People.
Spew!! Way too damn funny... loved it! hahahahahahah!
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Old 07-02-2008, 07:49 PM   #140
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Red face Millionaire!!!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.


Darn woman, she has absolutely NO sense of humor!
DG
 

Old 07-02-2008, 10:42 PM   #141
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Red face I don't know why I found this funny

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,

"Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and
dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you
found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, b ut for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the
water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
 

Old 07-02-2008, 10:52 PM   #142
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Red face Two Statues

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. 'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
 

Old 07-03-2008, 12:15 AM   #143
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most. 'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
You just know it's true
 

Old 07-03-2008, 03:10 PM   #144
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It's hell turning 10 yrs old.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 

Old 07-03-2008, 03:24 PM   #145
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.


If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
LOL!
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"You're just a good, down to earth girl who happens to write smut. And hang out on porn boards." - cheerful_deviant
"Dampy, the smut runs deep in your soul. Don't worry, it'll crest again." - bluebell7

 

Old 07-03-2008, 03:43 PM   #146
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Panhandlers

Panhandlers

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......
They panhandle on different areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say"?
Carlos sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."

Jose says " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars"

Carlos says... "So what does your sign say"?

Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico .
 

Old 07-03-2008, 04:06 PM   #147
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Heart Warming

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing
the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.

'Oh my goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working on the house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock...'

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it ?
 

Old 07-03-2008, 04:09 PM   #148
DG Hear
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Afterlife

Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact, 'Connie....Connie. '

'Is that you, Joe?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

'That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch; (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Myrtle Beach.'
 

Old 07-03-2008, 04:18 PM   #149
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Political Corrctness!

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN.'

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a '
LOW COST PROVIDER.'


SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
‘OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case
of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

8. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - it's
REAR CLEAVAGE.'
 

Old 07-03-2008, 04:31 PM   #150
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Play on words

Ok, just read this:

I am we todd did i am sofa king we todd did.

Say it out loud.

I am we todd did i am sofa king we todd did

Say it faster and faster.
Say it faster.

Did you get it?
DG
 
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