Old 09-22-2008, 06:21 PM   #1301
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, and then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once we get him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him".
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I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent. And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on." -- Bob Dylan
 

Old 09-22-2008, 06:47 PM   #1302
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A woman's revenge

They were happily married. At least that’s what the wife thought. One fine day the man announced that he was in love with a much younger girl and filed for divorce.

The court awarded the house to the husband and gave the wife three days to move.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful diningroom table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods

OH, I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 06:53 PM   #1303
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The Birth of a Candy Bar

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O’HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUND. That was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY. She screamed “OH HENRY” as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY JANE said: “You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS.”

Soon she was a bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 10:13 PM   #1304
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Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory..
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion..
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

 

Old 09-22-2008, 10:20 PM   #1305
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How Moses Got The 10 Commandments

One day God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have some Commandments for you
that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'

So He went to the blacks and said, 'I have some
Commandments.'

The blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not
interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lo rd said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have some Commandments .'

'Commandments?'
They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 10:50 PM   #1306
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SIMPLE MATHS

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%..

How about achieving 103%?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And ........
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:
While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!
 

Old 09-23-2008, 01:35 AM   #1307
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Awesome Golf Fact

The average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

The average golfer also drinks approximately 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, an individual golfer gets about 41 miles to the gallon.

So golfers get better mileage than one of them funny little hybrid cars.

Think about it.
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 09-23-2008, 08:21 AM   #1308
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The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a doz en donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies ,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country a nd the members of our Congress.

Vote carefully this year.
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:25 AM   #1309
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Spelenig

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

DG Haer
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:30 AM   #1310
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Lovers Lane

A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot called, "Lovers' Lane." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window ... "Uh, yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine, sir...."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night ... in a lover's lane. and nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young Man?"

"I'm 25, sir..."

"And her ... what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 20 minutes."
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:33 AM   #1311
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Mental Institution

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending as if he's driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he suddenly stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room, and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Very surprised she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?" To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm screwing Charlie's wife, while he's in Chicago!
 

Old 09-23-2008, 05:16 PM   #1312
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How to Dance in the Rain

This isn't a joke or even funny but I felt I should share it.
DG Hear

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'

He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,

'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.'
 

Old 09-23-2008, 08:51 PM   #1313
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Fcuknig amzanig huh?

DG Haer
Every time I get this one, I get a headache. Maybe not a full-on headache, but my eyes bounce like crazy and I feel all loopy.
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He's just like any other man, only more so.

My AH Directory posting can be found here. If you want to go directly to my stories try this link.

Check out the final chapter of my story The Reluctant Psychic.
 

Old 09-23-2008, 09:10 PM   #1314
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Sorry, Only More So! Hope your head ache goes away.


A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains.

She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.

'The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having
a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.'

'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small.
What room are they for?'

The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new
computer monitor.

'The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computer s do not need
curtains!'

The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows.......


Last edited by DG Hear : 09-23-2008 at 09:16 PM.
 

Old 09-23-2008, 09:56 PM   #1315
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Little Johnny's at it again

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction withhis father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horse's, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:38 PM   #1316
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Bad Day!

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time
of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on.

Too tired to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak -- pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney
whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman, don't you ever stop?"
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:40 PM   #1317
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A repeat, but funny.

After a long night of making love to this gorgeous girl,
This guy rolls over and was looking around, when he
Noticed a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said,
hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery"
 

Old 09-23-2008, 10:53 PM   #1318
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Warning!!!

WARNING, LOCK YOUR DOORS!!

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Florida man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and corn flakes.

A banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.
 

Old 09-23-2008, 11:05 PM   #1319
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A New Element

Scientists have discovered a new element: Governmentium (Gv)

The heaviest element yet known, it has one Neuteron, 25 Assistant Neuterons, 88 Deputy Neuterons and 198 Assistant Deputy Neuterons...giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called Morons, which are surrounded by immense quantities of lepton-like particles called Peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however it is easily detected because it impedes every action with which it comes in contact.

A minute amount of Governmentioum can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium normally has a half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the Assistant Neuterons and Deputy Neuterons exchange places.

In fact, Govenmentiums mass increases over time, since each reorganization will cause more Morons to become Neuterons, forming Isodopes.

The character of Moron expansion leads some scientists to theorize that Governmentium is formed whenever Morons reach a critical concentration.

This critical concentration is referred to as a Morass.

When catalyzed with the element Taxesinium, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many Peons, but twice as many Morons.


Vote early and often this November.
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 09-24-2008, 12:46 AM   #1320
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An oldie but goodie!

A woman brings a man home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately suggests that they do ’69.

‘What is that? asks the man.

Realizing he’s inexperienced, she tries to explain: ‘I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.’

Still not knowing what she is talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets go a rip- roaring fart.

‘What was that for?’ he asks.

‘Ooooops! Sorry, let us try it again.’ she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

The man gets up and starts to put on his coat on.

‘Wait, where are you going?’ she asks.

The man says, ‘If you think I am sticking around for 67 more of those, you’re crazy!’

 

Old 09-24-2008, 12:57 AM   #1321
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Speaking of farts...

Two middle aged women dressed in the latest casual fashions meet in the mall.

"Shirley, I love your new low rider tight jeans."

"Yours look good on you too, Melissa."

"I'm having a little problem with them though."

"What's that, hon?"

"Every time I fart my crop top flies up."

"Oh, me too, but when I fart it blows my sandals off."
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 09-24-2008, 08:21 AM   #1322
DG Hear
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An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her periods for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the
drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a
very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I hope you'll give her another chance!"
 

Old 09-24-2008, 08:34 AM   #1323
DG Hear
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A Little History

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:


Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
> > >
> > >
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
> > >
> > >
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs,cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
> > >
> > >
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.Hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet,so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold.."
> > >
> > >
Sometimes they could obtain pork,which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over,they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
> > >
> > >
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high
acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
> > >
> > >
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf,the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
> > >
> > >
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
> > >
> > >
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and
they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."


And that's the truth...

Now,whoever said that History was boring!
 

Old 09-24-2008, 10:36 AM   #1324
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With Halloween around the corner...

Why Trick or Treating is better than Sex!

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack

9. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and do it again

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some

6. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are

5. Twenty years from now you'll still enjoy candy

4. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning

2. Less guilt the morning after

And the number one reason why trick or treating is better than sex --

1. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

 

Old 09-24-2008, 07:08 PM   #1325
Svenskaflicka
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DG Hear, please let me make it clear to you: the fact that it's offensive, doesn't automatically make it funny.

I know that many comedians try to be "in your face" and be brutal and "say things you're not supposed to say", but this isn't bravery, nor is it funny. The reason why people refrain from saying offensive things is because it may not just make other people angry, but it may also hurt their feelings.

May I suggest that next time you feel like posting a misogynic or racistic joke - don't. Tell it to your friends, and spare us.
 
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