Old 09-20-2008, 08:54 PM   #1276
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Guardian Angel

man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind:

"You take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and will kill you"

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh, yeah some guardian angel?" the man asked, "and where the hell were you when I got married?"
 

Old 09-20-2008, 08:59 PM   #1277
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Her and his opinion on Blowjobs

WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard; deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me Iíve just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Donít worry about it and be thankful Iím not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. Itís "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old &fat and looking for some action, I guarantee it'll be "sound asleep.Ē

13. If you swallow, and then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
 

Old 09-20-2008, 09:06 PM   #1278
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
That's um -

Bleah.

 

Old 09-20-2008, 09:24 PM   #1279
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post
That's um -

Bleah.

OK Sweet Sarahh, this ones for you. LOL

A woman is looking at her breats and wondering how she could make them larger. So she asks her husband. How can I make them larger? He says, Go get a piece of toilet paper and rub between them several times a day and they will grow larger. So she goes and gets a piece of toilet paper and wipes between her breasts and doesn't feel any different, So she asks her husband, How do you know that this will work? To which he replies, Well, You've been wiping your behind for years and see how much it's grown.

The man will live and may even eventually recover enough to walk.....Stupid stupid man.
 

Old 09-20-2008, 11:03 PM   #1280
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
What is your occupation?

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a prostitute."

ďNo, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

ďWell, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year!"
 

Old 09-21-2008, 08:25 AM   #1281
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Dreams

In the middle of the night, a woman shakes her husband awake.
"You beast!" she screams at him. "I dreamed you were kissing another woman!"

"But dear," he says sleepily, "that was nothing more than a dream."
"You miserable worm!" his wife says. "If you did that in my dreams, there's no telling what you do in your own!"
 

Old 09-21-2008, 08:30 AM   #1282
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Interesting sentence

Read the sentence below carefully.

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing
handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunication's incomprehensibleness".

This is a sentence where the first word is one letter long, second letter two, third one three letters long ............ 8th word is 8 letters long and so on ...20th word is 20 letters long!
 

Old 09-21-2008, 05:50 PM   #1283
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Jesus

saw a billboard sign that said:


NEED HELP, CALL JESUS

1-800-555-3787



Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

 

Old 09-21-2008, 08:47 PM   #1284
trysail
Catch Me Who Can
 
trysail's Avatar
 
trysail is offline
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: 'twixt here and there
Posts: 18,173
The following is brought to you as a non-partisan attempt at humor. Translation: Those of you who take politics too seriously need to get a lifeó DO NOT direct epithets or hurl rotten fruit and vegetables in my direction. This IS a joke, nothing more, nothing less.

__________________

Trysail
, n., a small fore and aft sail generally hoisted on the mainmast under storm conditions.



AH Profile



 

Old 09-21-2008, 10:13 PM   #1285
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Gentle Lessons of Life

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog
run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
*************
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then
your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new
replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
*Did you ever notice:* The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met
'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in
mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when
he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
*Did you ever notice:* When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want
people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of
Algebra.
***********
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such
a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
 

Old 09-21-2008, 10:23 PM   #1286
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Amish Elevator

Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son ..

"Go get your mother..."
 

Old 09-21-2008, 10:29 PM   #1287
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Blind Date

A young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.

"What would you like to do next?" he asked.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.

"One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.

"I wanna be weighed," she said.

He really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.

The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"

"Wousy," said the girl.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 06:38 AM   #1288
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
The hinge and the teapot

Bubba was fixing a door and he found he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much the teapot cost. Joe Bob replied, "that's silver and it cost $100.00".

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba sent her to buy, and Joe Bob went in the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

To which Mary Louise replied, "NO, but I will for the teapot".
 

Old 09-22-2008, 06:41 AM   #1289
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
A couple was married for 45 years. The husband in Cleveland, Ohio calls his executive son in New York and says, "Son, I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" The son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your attorney sister in Los Angeles and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Cleveland immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow in the first available flight. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay Darling", he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own travel fare too. And we don't have to beg them to come.Ē
 

Old 09-22-2008, 07:06 AM   #1290
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,435
Politically Correct Sexes

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is has PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANIONS.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
---------------------------------
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:04 AM   #1291
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.



Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!"



"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."



A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."



"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."



About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her!"



"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."



"Why not?" asked the son. "She's not too skinny, she's not too fat. She's just right!"



"Right," the father replied. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:08 AM   #1292
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
Bob's an avid bowler and golfer

Bob works hard at the office, but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob's funeral will be on Friday.
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:09 AM   #1293
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
dear Friends

I regret to say ...

To all of my Family and Friends who frequently

send me 'Best Wishes', 'Chain Letters', 'Angel Letters',

or other promises of Good Luck if I forwarded something:

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!

In the future, could you please send

MONEY, LIQUOR, OR GASOLINE VOUCHERS?
Thank You.
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:10 AM   #1294
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab........I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:12 AM   #1295
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
At the Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When he finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Up or Down?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day She said yes, and here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or Down?" The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or Down ? "She replied "Up."

This really confused the gentleman, so he asked, "What's the deal ? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing !"

She replied, "Well yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were "FUCK or DROWN"
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 11:13 AM   #1296
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night,
the young bride approached her new husband
and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love,
for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford

new clothes and other incidentals that she needed .


Arriving home around noon one day,
she was surprised to find

her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes,
he explained that his employer was
going through a process of corporate downsizing,
and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another position
that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning,
and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book
which showed more than thirty years
of steady deposits and interest
totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him
certificates of deposits
issued by the bank
which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they were
one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the results
of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded
he could barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,

'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'


That's when she shot him.


You know, sometimes,
men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut .
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 03:42 PM   #1297
epiphany65
Literotica Guru
 
epiphany65's Avatar
 
epiphany65 is offline
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
Posts: 892
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
__________________
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent. And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on." -- Bob Dylan
 

Old 09-22-2008, 03:45 PM   #1298
epiphany65
Literotica Guru
 
epiphany65's Avatar
 
epiphany65 is offline
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
Posts: 892
How Do You Get To Heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
__________________
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent. And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on." -- Bob Dylan

Last edited by epiphany65 : 09-22-2008 at 03:47 PM.
 

Old 09-22-2008, 05:11 PM   #1299
epiphany65
Literotica Guru
 
epiphany65's Avatar
 
epiphany65 is offline
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
Posts: 892
Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. "Did he get anything?" his friends asked. The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "Whoa! But ... how???" The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it was *me* coming home drunk!!"
__________________
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent. And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on." -- Bob Dylan
 

Old 09-22-2008, 05:15 PM   #1300
epiphany65
Literotica Guru
 
epiphany65's Avatar
 
epiphany65 is offline
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
Posts: 892
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house,"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"Well she just died and left me everything."
__________________
Strange how people who suffer together have stronger connections than people who are most content.
I don't have any regrets, they can talk about me plenty when I'm gone.
You always said people don't do what they believe in, they just do what's most convenient, then they repent. And I always said, "Hang on to me, baby, and let's hope that the roof stays on." -- Bob Dylan
 
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:37 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.