Old 09-13-2008, 12:05 AM   #1076
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Corylea View Post
We should make sure Le Jacquelope reads these jokes, 'cause there's an awful lot of anti-woman humor in here; maybe he won't feel as picked on.
oops sorry, I'll see if I can get somemore jokes for you women. I try to be an equal opportunity offender.
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:05 AM   #1077
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups , although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other stuff too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ###### to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the bar bells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:09 AM   #1078
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wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm ?"

She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:12 AM   #1079
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I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy,... she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:14 AM   #1080
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Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:15 AM   #1081
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When Cats Are Like Men

* They are independent.

* They don't listen.

* They don't come in when you call.

* They like to stay out all night.

* They like to watch things move.

* They like to catch prey.

* They like to play.

* They treat you well when you feed them.

* When you're trying to get things done, they want your attention.

* When they're at home, they like to be left alone and sleep!
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:15 AM   #1082
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpaint View Post
Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are days in the
month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he
takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that
should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of
every husband, boyfriend, or male child.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up?
SAFER: Could we be over-reacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
*bookmarks to print out for husband*
 

Old 09-13-2008, 12:15 AM   #1083
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not?" giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket!"
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:16 AM   #1084
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Corylea View Post
We should make sure Le Jacquelope reads these jokes, 'cause there's an awful lot of anti-woman humor in here; maybe he won't feel as picked on.
Gee! I think we do a pretty good job of making fun of everyone. Hope you enjoy them.

Here's another one I just received.
DG

MONEY

It can buy a house - But not a home
It can buy a clock - But not time
It can but you a position - But not respect
It can but a bed - But not sleep
It can buy a book - But not knowledge
It can but medicine - But not health
It can buy you blood - But not life

So you see, Money isnt everything
And it often causes pain and suffering
I tell you all this because i am your Friend
And as your Friend
i want to take away all your pain and suffering!!


So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!!


Cash only please
 

Old 09-13-2008, 12:16 AM   #1085
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There was a man and woman traveling along in their car. The man was driving when a police officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the window and says "Did you know you were speeding back there."

The lady (who is almost deaf) said to her husband "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said "He said I was speeding." The officer then said "Where are you from?"

The man replied "Chicago"

The wife then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns to his wife and said, "He wanted to know where we came from."

The officer then said "Shit, you know, I had my worst fuck ever in Chicago."

The lady then says "What did he say, what did he say?"

The man turns back and says "He says he thinks he knows you."
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:22 AM   #1086
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How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washington's picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:23 AM   #1087
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25 Reasons to be a woman!
1. Free drinks.

2. Free dinners.

3. Free movies (you get the point).

4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.

5. You know The Truth about whether size matters.

6. Speeding ticket? What's that?

7. If you have sex with someone and don't call the next day, you're not the devil.

8. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so -- out loud.

9. You can sleep your way to the top.

10. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

11. Brad Pitt.

12. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.

13. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.

14. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

15. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

16. If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.

17. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.

18. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.

19. You have the ability to dress yourself.

20. You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

21. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

22. You can quickly end any fight by crying.

23. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.

24.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

25.Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:23 AM   #1088
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1. Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem
2. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.
3. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
4. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
5. All methods of birth control would become 100% effective.
6. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
7. There would be a cure for stretch marks.
8. They would serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes.
9. Men would'nt think twins were so cute.
10. Sons would have to come home from dates by 9 pm
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:24 AM   #1089
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1. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
2. The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime.
3. A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
4. The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and Britain in 1896 Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
5. A polar bear's skin is black. It's fur is not white , but clear.
6. Elvis had a twin brother named Garon , who died at birth , which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron , in honor of his brother.
7. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
8. Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doe not wear pants.
9. More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
10. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
11. Shakespeare invented the words ' assassination' and 'bump'.
12. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one of her feet.
13. If you keep a goldfish in the dark room , it will eventually turn white.
14. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
15. Right handed people live , on average , nine years longer than left-handed people.
16. The sentence, ' The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter in the English language.
17. The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they begin with.
18. The word 'lethogica' describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
19. 'Typewriter' is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only on row of the keyboard.
20. If the population of China walked past you in single file , the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
21. The words 'racecar' and 'kayak' are the same whether they are read left to right , or right to left.
22. A snail can sleep for three years.
23. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
24. China has more English speakers than the United States.
25. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
26. Did you know you share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world ?
27. 'I am' is the shortest complete sentence in the English Language . Not quite. 'BE is a complete sentence ; in an imperative statement , the subject ' you' is is understood.
28. The longest word in the English language is 1909 characters long and refers to a distinct part of DNA.
29. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds , dogs only have about ten.
30. Our eyes are always the same size from birth , but our nose and ears never stop growing.
31. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
32. If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet , two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal
humans neck.
33. In every episode of Seinfeld , there is a Superman somewhere.
34. The flea can jump 350 times it's body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
35. No word in English rhyme's with ' month ' , ' orange ' ' silver ' , or ' purple '.
36. The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
37. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
38. Cat's urine glows under a black light.
39. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors.
40. In the last 4000 years , no new animals have been domesticated.
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:29 AM   #1090
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Rules Are Rules

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:30 AM   #1091
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Southern Girl

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive Blonde woman from Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play Topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come
on, Baby, . Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down, and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers. Then she picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other ans wered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."


Moral --- Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men..... are men.
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:31 AM   #1092
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Grandma Loves Oranges

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:32 AM   #1093
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Teaching A Lesson

A wife was in the kitchen making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly , her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?”


The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:33 AM   #1094
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Going To Sleep

It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours".
"Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstrais, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep".
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:43 AM   #1095
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Reporters Experiencing Danger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3oqiNxUiBQ
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:46 AM   #1096
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Politicians Look Like Muppets

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwlNX_Rk3Y0
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:49 AM   #1097
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Pranking The Wife

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkpT6owlPzA
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Old 09-13-2008, 08:55 AM   #1098
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The Origin Of Woman

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, ‘What is wrong with you?’

Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, ‘This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.’

Adam asked God, ‘what will a woman like this cost?”

God said, ‘An arm and a leg’.

To which Adam replied, ‘What can I get for just a rib?’
The rest is history.
 

Old 09-13-2008, 08:59 AM   #1099
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OK I found this funny, DG

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office. GWB is sitting at his desk. Condoleeza Rice enters)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

 

Old 09-13-2008, 09:03 AM   #1100
DG Hear
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Sex with the wife.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end".

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes”.

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (Kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours!"

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours? "

"I wiped my hands on the drapes!"
 
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