Old 04-19-2013, 01:24 AM   #8751
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101 View Post
I did see TC. He's wearing a hat and is napping at the end of the sofa. I must have forgotten to list him.
The one I struggled with was Streaky, Superboy's cat from the old silver age comics. He's the one with the lightning bolt. I had to Google for the name.
 

Old 04-19-2013, 01:42 AM   #8752
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Just for you, Duchess. Another good part of kitten motherhood.
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Old 04-19-2013, 01:55 AM   #8753
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johneb87 View Post
Just for you, Duchess. Another good part of kitten motherhood.
https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...86876942_n.png
That's not funny!

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Old 04-19-2013, 01:58 AM   #8754
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaokoSmith View Post
That's not funny!

Only cause it's true.
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Old 04-19-2013, 02:38 AM   #8755
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slyc_willie View Post
The one I struggled with was Streaky, Superboy's cat from the old silver age comics. He's the one with the lightning bolt. I had to Google for the name.
I'm not familar with Streaky, but I think that's Krazy Kat sitting on that shelf where Felix is. With his tail not visible, it's hard saying.
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Old 04-19-2013, 11:22 PM   #8756
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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
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Old 04-20-2013, 01:22 AM   #8757
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Talk about lighting a fire under your ass.
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:24 AM   #8758
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Fucking A!!!! Oh God, guys, I am crying with laughter here. First the tazer then the piccie. Jesus H. Christ! Those made my day.

I really want one of those for my 51st birthday! I mean the tazer although a flight in your beautiful balloon also looks very tempting, John. Lovecraft must be sent that story, he can buy tazers for all his self-defence ladies.



That was a five star fabulous start to the morning! Oh Jesus, you knew what was coming, and you're thinking with the cat: No-o-o! don't do it! ROFLMAO!
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Old 04-20-2013, 02:32 AM   #8759
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Too bad Figaro is scared shitless of the vacuum, he might actually enjoy it.
http://youtu.be/FTRhiOeRzfA
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:11 AM   #8760
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johneb87 View Post
Talk about lighting a fire under your ass.
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphot...66379915_n.jpg
If I saw that from my garden I think I'd puke.

Tx, do please put that story into humor.
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Old 04-20-2013, 07:50 AM   #8761
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We've been having some great stuff on the humor thread.
Thanks all
DG

This was sent to me;

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of
dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night
light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When
our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat
scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat
likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned
so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard
again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be
empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out
momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes
later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing
horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I
had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so
she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her
fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better
not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.....
 

Old 04-20-2013, 01:12 PM   #8762
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OMG! That was HILARIOUS!


Actually I have a good - and true - taxi story. It was when I was 8 months pregnant with Piglet and the Fella and I were going to buy some baby stuff in a cab. The taxi driver looked in his mirror at us and said, "Is this your first?"
"Ooh, yes," we breathed, all starry-eyed.
"You spend the first two years teaching them to walk and talk," he said, "and the rest of your life telling them to sit down and shut up!"
LOL.

(Shut up, I'm busy!)
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Old 04-20-2013, 05:52 PM   #8763
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RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Black Hawk chopper coming in over a san hill near Mogadishu. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is me.
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Old 04-20-2013, 07:13 PM   #8764
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Sensitivity Training for Men

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
*
The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.
*
Went to our local bar with my wife last night.
Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
*
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
*
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
*
A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says:
"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
*
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
*
My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I had better go down the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.
*
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Old 04-20-2013, 07:45 PM   #8765
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My wife walked in last night and told me that she wanted $12,000 for a boob job. I told her that I had a fool proof plan to enlarge her boobies that would cost only $12 an application. She agreed and I went and bought a large pack of toilet paper.
"How's this going to make my boobs larger?" she asked.
"Well, tear some off and rub it in between them."
"Do you really think it will work?" she asked.
I nodded and said "It worked on your ass."
That's all I remember.
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Every day sends future to past. Every breath leaves me one less to my last.

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Old 04-20-2013, 07:49 PM   #8766
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I walked next door to see my gay neighbor. I walked into his house and found him rubbing Vasoline all on his chest. When I asked him why he was doig that he replied, "I heard it will make me grow hair on my chest."
"Dumb ass," I said, "If Vasoline made you grow hair, you'd have a pony tail coming out of your ass."
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Yea though I walk through the Valley of The Shadow of Death I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley.

The only reason some people are alive is because it is illegal to kill them.

Why do you like playing around with my narrow scope of reality?.

Every day sends future to past. Every breath leaves me one less to my last.

"You are in more dire need of a blow job than any white man in history." - Robin Williams "Good Morning Vietnam"

We'll know for the first time, if we're evil or divine; We're the last in line.

You don't need luck when you don't give a fuck!!

Here is my "AH Profile"

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Old 04-21-2013, 03:03 AM   #8767
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So true, especially with Figaro.
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Old 04-21-2013, 11:56 AM   #8768
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There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.
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Old 04-21-2013, 11:57 AM   #8769
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This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.

So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."

Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are pussy apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like shit!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
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Old 04-21-2013, 12:10 PM   #8770
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and starts to sink. He entreats the chicken to get the farmer to help pull him to safety. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So, he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole, ties some rope around the bumper and pulls the horse to safety.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again, and the chicken falls into a mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to get help from the farmer. The horse says, "Wait, I think I can stand over the hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." The chicken does and pulls himself to safety.

The moral of the story: if you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Old 04-22-2013, 02:18 AM   #8771
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I recently attended a showing of the Mythbusters: Behind the Myths tour. Jamie and Adam brought a mother and her young daughter on stage to interlace pages of a phone book for their phone book friction test. As Adam handed the young girl the phone book he said, "This is what the internet used to look like."

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Old 04-22-2013, 08:31 AM   #8772
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This just made me smile.

Can I Smell Something

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."
 

Old 04-23-2013, 08:50 AM   #8773
DG Hear
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The people who make it don't want it. The people who buy it don't use it. The people who use it don't know it. What is it?

The Answer:

A coffin: The people who make it aren't going to want a coffin and the people who buy it don't use it on their self. The people who use it don't know it because they're dead.
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If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

The Answer:

You would be in 2nd (not 1st!).

you passed the guy in second place, not first.
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Whats greater than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, rich people don't need it, and if you eat too much of it you will die. What is it?

The Answer:

Nothing.
 

Old 04-23-2013, 02:21 PM   #8774
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For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.


The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. It is speaking English that apparently kills you.
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Old 04-24-2013, 07:42 AM   #8775
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Quotes about Cats & Teenagers:

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough.
Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 
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