Old 04-01-2013, 09:16 PM   #8676
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If you need a laugh today, this should take care of it and if it doesn’t, nothing will.

BRAIN FART : CLICK the link below

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0
 

Old 04-02-2013, 10:43 AM   #8677
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This is true of 90% of men….few exceptions lol
Of course not me. LOL

After four long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved/

When a man volunteers to do the Barbecue, usually on a Saturday, the following chain of events are put into motion:

Barbecue Routine

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand. Here comes the important part.

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL

More routine..

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN

More routine..

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.;

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "Her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women..
 

Old 04-02-2013, 10:47 AM   #8678
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This is good!

This explains why I forward and post stuff.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump,' said the man.

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. 'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.

'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo... Now you see, sometimes we wonder why friends keep forwarding stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward emails.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how - you forward stuff.

A 'forward' lets you know that
you are still remembered,
you are still important,
you are still cared for.

So, next time if you get a 'forward', post or a little humor, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!!
 

Old 04-03-2013, 08:08 AM   #8679
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"Can I have the afternoon off please Boss?"
"Why?"
"I have to go to a funeral; my Mother-in-Law drowned over the weekend. Apparently she wasn't a witch after all."
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Old 04-03-2013, 01:28 PM   #8680
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Things my mother taught me

Things my mother taught me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

Only you folks my age understand these profound statements!
But, there is one missing from this list~~My personal all-time favorite!

My mother taught me about CHOICE.
"Do you want me to stop this car?"
 

Old 04-03-2013, 06:16 PM   #8681
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'Cheap Shots' About Men and Women

"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often." - Oliver Herford

"Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body." - John Vanbrugh

"The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is." - Helen Rowland

"Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking." - Rupert Hughes

"Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in." - Katharine Whitehorn

"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses." - Elizabeth Taylor

==================================
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:42 AM   #8682
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"Daddy, we have to talk"

"OK, what's up, sweetie?"

"We had sex-Ed at school today and you lied to me. You told me that if I had sex before I turn 18, my boyfriend would die."

"Oh he will, my dear. He surely will."
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Old 04-04-2013, 11:10 AM   #8683
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bunking college!

https://twitter.com/India_Unearth/st...71865795235842
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Readable Stories:
Ayurvedic Treatmment
I found god(gay)
A Widower
Senseless, and Weird Comic Series:
Sonia's Adventures
 

Old 04-05-2013, 09:50 PM   #8684
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Clem and Zeb stopped at Jethro's gas station to put gas in Clem's truck. As he was pumping fuel, he noticed a sign that read "CHANCE AT FREE SEX WITH EVERY FILL UP." Clem went inside to pay for the gas and asked about the contest. The guy behind the counter says "OK, pick a number between 1 and 10."
"5" guessed Clem.
"Nope, but try again next time," the clerk told him.
Clem went back to the truck and tells Zeb, "I didn't win the free sex. I think that contest is rigged."
"No it aint," said Zeb. "My wife won twice last week."
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Yea though I walk through the Valley of The Shadow of Death I shall fear no evil, for I am the baddest motherfucker in the valley.

The only reason some people are alive is because it is illegal to kill them.

Why do you like playing around with my narrow scope of reality?.

Every day sends future to past. Every breath leaves me one less to my last.

I need a ride to the morgue, that's what 911 is for. So tag my toe and don't forget to close the drawer.

We'll know for the first time, if we're evil or divine; We're the last in line.

You don't need luck when you don't give a fuck!!

Here is my "AH Profile"

Here is a link to my stories "Saxon's Shit"

See what I'm "up to" here.
 

Old 04-05-2013, 11:10 PM   #8685
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A man walks into a bar looking really angry.
His mate says, "you look really pissed off. Wassup?"

The man takes out a large revolver and says to the assembled men:
"Which one of you bastards has been screwing my wife?"

There was a pause and a bloke at the back says, "You don't have enough ammo for that, mate; sorry."
 

Old 04-07-2013, 10:58 AM   #8686
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Submission. I mean my submissions.

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You can follow me on my review blog: Feminist Erotica

Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas.
 

Old 04-07-2013, 06:06 PM   #8687
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STRANGE HYGIENE LABELS

"WARNING: If an amount considerably larger than being used is swallowed, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control centre immediately." - Mentadent Duel Action Mouthwash

"WARNING: Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal." - Fun & Fantasy Fluorescent Hair Color

"May contain foam." - Stridex Foaming Face Wash

"Do not swallow. In case of ingestion call poison control or hospital." - Listerine Mouthwash

"Keep out of reach of children, except under adult supervision." - Bath & Body Works Instant Anti-bacterial Hand Gel

"Use only on underarms." - Old Spice Red Zone Deodorant

"Directions: Use like regular soap." - Dial Soap

"Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal." - Pantene Pro-V Flexible Hold Pro Vitamin Hairspray

"Avoid getting in eyes." - Aussie Mega Shampoo

"Warning: Do not use this products on infants under 6 months of age." - Clearasil Medicated Antibacterial Cleanser

"Final step: "Pull up underwear"." - Unknown Tampons

"CAUTION: This is not a toy." - Bath & Body Works Moisture Rich Body Lotion

"Not intended for human consumption." - Mr. Bubbles

"Keep out of reach of children." - AAFES Baby Oil

"Keep away from children" - Little Ones Baby Lotion

"For external use only" - Aveeno Bath Treatment

"Do not use as an ice cream topping." - Unknown Hair Coloring

"WARNING: Do not smoke until hair is dry." - Clairol Herbal Essences Maximum Hold Hairspray

"CAUTION: Avoid contact with face, eyes, and broken skin." - Bath & Body Works Peppermint Foot Spray

"Directions: Tear open packet and use." - Wet-Nap

"Not for intimate hygiene." - Fetish Body Mist

"Avoid contact with eyes." - Bath & Body Works Protective Anti-Bacterial Hand Lotion

"For adult use only." - Cabot's Vitamin E Chamile Anti-Stress Bath Calming Bath Soak

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." - On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not use orally." - On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." - In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
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Old 04-08-2013, 08:09 AM   #8688
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English Service personnel posted to foreign parts used to travel by RAF transport aircraft. Those posted to the Far East went “down the Route” and it was quite a trip. At times, it wasn’t much fun for the crew either.

After a particularly spooky run into Singapore , with a failed Air Conditioning unit, record high temperatures and tempers frayed, the Pilot managed to put the blighter down in roughly the right spot and said to his mate “What I need now is a cold beer and a hot woman.”

Unfortunately for him the intercom was still on and this understandable emotion was heard by the hoard of passengers, who roared with laughter. As a very flustered young Airwoman Stewardess sped up the gangway to the Cockpit, she was stopped by a smiling Sergeant:

“Got the cold beer, love?”
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Old 04-08-2013, 11:27 AM   #8689
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Just like one of the lads, really. (With tits .)

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Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas.
 

Old 04-08-2013, 05:21 PM   #8690
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My Doctor 'ordered' me to get more exercise and go on a diet; join WW.
Then this amusement turned up in my In-Box:-


I've been staring at this bench press for 3 days now and I feel exactly the same.
This "Weight Watchers" shit is a hoax.
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Old 04-09-2013, 10:13 PM   #8691
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Sad!

Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months?

How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
 

Old 04-10-2013, 06:59 AM   #8692
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Help a friend?
Attached Images
File Type: jpg !cid_68F18923-DF41-42C8-8F35-866348621DAB.jpg (78.5 KB, 42 views)
 

Old 04-10-2013, 07:07 AM   #8693
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Ok, need a little help posting a picture. I submitted one and you have to open it. How do I submit it from my computer already opened. An example would be the one I sent above.
Thanks
DG Hear
 

Old 04-10-2013, 07:11 AM   #8694
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Ok, need a little help posting a picture. I submitted one and you have to open it. How do I submit it from my computer already opened. An example would be the one I sent above.
Thanks
DG Hear


Well, if that worked, here's how I did it. On my Lit comment interface is a picture icon. Click on it and it will ask for the url of your picture. I cut and pasted the url from the picture you posted. There may be other ways, that's just how I did it.
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Last edited by BuckyDuckman : 04-10-2013 at 07:13 AM.
 

Old 04-10-2013, 07:14 AM   #8695
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Thanks Bucky but how did you do it?
DG

Oops! Sorry, you did explain. I'll try it next time. Kepp forgetting, getting old you know.
DG

Last edited by DG Hear : 04-10-2013 at 07:16 AM.
 

Old 04-10-2013, 07:43 AM   #8696
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You can't make this stuff up.
 

Old 04-10-2013, 07:46 AM   #8697
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Quote:
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Thanks Bucky but how did you do it?
DG

Oops! Sorry, you did explain. I'll try it next time. Kepp forgetting, getting old you know.
DG
Did you figure it out?

Just put the picture up as an attachment, then before posting, click on the link for the piccie. Put that link into your post using the image icon (above - small yellow postcard of mountains). Carry on posting! LOL.

LOL that poor beauty queen trying to get pregnant.
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Old 04-10-2013, 09:49 AM   #8698
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"I never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds," Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"I was only unfaithful once, and that was with a football team," (I forgot which Hollywood legend said that!)

Margot Asquith, on her name being mispronounced by Jean Harlow. "No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlot."
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Just like one of the lads, really. (With tits .)

Submission. I mean my submissions.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other nine hundred and ninety-nine follow women. - Groucho Marx.
You can follow me on my review blog: Feminist Erotica

Sweet dreams are made of this. Who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas.
 

Old 04-10-2013, 10:18 AM   #8699
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NaokoSmith View Post

Margot Asquith, on her name being mispronounced by Jean Harlow. "No, no, Jean. The ‘t’ is silent, as in Harlot."
Oh, nice - MEE OW W W

----------------------------------------
Meanwhile, back at the Palace:

A family are driving behind a Rubbish collection truck when a Dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen of their car.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect."

To which her son replies, "That's some Insect, I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size."
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Old 04-10-2013, 10:19 AM   #8700
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A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do.
After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try." he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".

"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".

"You gave birth to a child!".

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth.
One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
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