Humor Thread

[Handley_Page]

The second-most name known on the planet is Kalashnikov

[Handley_Page]

Two women on a bench. One is really depressed.

"You look thoroughly miserable. Can I help?"

"I don't want to talk about it, but -
my Husband ran off with my best friend.
I really miss her"

[CarlusMagnus]

Originally Posted by DG Hear

.
.
.
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

I didn't know about the breathing. But I do know quite a few people who talk through their butts.

[BuckyDuckman]

Originally Posted by DG Hear

Most dust particles in your house are made from

A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.

While I LOVE miscellaneous factoids like these, I have to cry foul (fowl?) on this one: http://mythbustersresults.com/episode8

Please keep'em coming, DG Hear, because they're great food for thought!

[Saxon_Hart]

One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells him
that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?" she asks.

Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved nearly a quart!"

[Handley_Page]

The job interviewer asked "What's your full name?"

"It's Shaun Fucking Bastard Twat Fuck Cunt PissFlaps Whore Gillen"

"Do you suffer from Tourette's, Shaun?"

"No, but the priest at my christening did!"

[DG Hear]

If you would like us to continue this humor thread, please BUMP IT to the front page if you see it go off. Better yet, post something on it
Thank you
DG Hear

[oggbashan]

A baby seal came ashore in Herne Bay this week.

Daily Mail

It appeared to be queueing outside the local coffee shop, waiting for a handout. Then it moved next door to the Night Club entrance.



There has been a spate of dreadful puns about 'clubbing baby seals'...

The seal was taken away from the town centre. It was examined by a vet and pronounced healthy before being returned to the sea.

It didn't have its fake 'over-18' ID so wasn't admitted to the Night Club.

[Handley_Page]

Even though I've spent a fortune to get Coco the clown to perform at my wife's birthday,she was not impressed.

Note to self: Learn the difference between Coco the clown and Coco Chanel.

[Handley_Page]

Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across too?"

***********************************

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

****************************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

*********************************

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why do you say such a thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Handley_Page]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with A limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me Had a fight, "says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "he couldn't do that to You, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is What he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it. "

"Well," says Sean, "you should Have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight ________________________________________________________________

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night And, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of Course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to Drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says The cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections Back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a Minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
________________________________________________________________

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her Door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.I've somethin'to tell ya."

"Of course you can Come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here To be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

"Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh My dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
_______________________________________________________________

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in Tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?

"She says, "Oh, Father, I've Got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, Thats terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..

" The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[NaokoSmith]

30 second video

Ipad vs. paper

[Handley_Page]

Originally Posted by NaokoSmith

30 second video

Ipad vs. paper

Brilliant !

Give one to the England Team.

[DG Hear]

Thanks guys! Fun posts, made me smile.
DG

[Handley_Page]

Irish Curses

May those who love us love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we'll know them by their limping.


May the enemies of Ireland never meet a friend.


May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.


May you melt off the earth like snow off the ditch.


May his pipe never smoke, may his teapot be broke
And to add to the joke, may his kettle ne'er boil,
May he keep to the bed till the hour that he's dead,
May he always be fed on hogwash and boiled oil,
May he swell with the gout, may his grinders fall out,
May he roll howl and shout with the horrid toothache,
May the temples wear horns, and the toes many corns,
Of the monster that murdered Nell Flaherty's drake.

May his spade never dig may his sow never pig
May each hair on his wig be well thrashed with a flail
May his door have no latch, may his house have no thatch,
May his turkey not hatch, may the rats eat his meat
May every old fairy, from Cork to Dunleary,
Dip him snug and airy in river or lake,
Where the eel and the trout may feed on the snout
Of the monster that murdered Neill Falherty's drake

[NekoParks]

Article from The Onion, "Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/sci...-capabl,31675/

[Handley_Page]

Originally Posted by NekoParks

Article from The Onion, "Scientists Theorize Existence Of NBA Roster Capable Of Supporting Dwight Howard"

http://www.theonion.com/articles/sci...-capabl,31675/

Erm . . . WTF ?

[Handley_Page]

Two men in the office talking.

A: "Do you ever watch the 'bonus features' on DVD?"
B: "Not really; can't be bothered with them."
A:" I watched the 'deleted scenes' from a porno thing last night and was surprised.
It turns out he fixed the plumbing after all."

[DG Hear]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )


Dear Mum and Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes.

You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of cake!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter

Best wishes

Delia.

[NaokoSmith]

[Handley_Page]

Originally Posted by NaokoSmith

Snigger. . .

[Handley_Page]

Two horses in a field and one says "Hi Ralph where’s the wife?"

The other horse replies "Dunno mate. She said she was popping down to
Tesco’s to do some shopping and I ain’t seen her since."

[DG Hear]

Please help us out by bumbing our thread if you see it on the second page.
Much appreciated
DG Hear


Pension Sex

Two men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'

[DG Hear]

Picture is worth a thousand words??????


http://vimeo.com/61275290

[JackLuis]

Spring Tale

The moonlight fell as softly as the snow that mid-March night, as Handley thought about Page. The snow was smooth, as smooth as her breasts. The hump of snow that was his car, made him think of her arse rising up to meet his hips. So soft and full...

But she was another's and he knew it would never be his name that she cried out in passion. She would never shiver in his arms, as she reached nirvana from his coupling.

It was too much for him, that magical night. The reminders of her in the snowy English landscape made him pull the drapes, blocking out the reminders of the forbidden love that pulled at his heart strings.

He had to find an outlet for his anguish, so he put another porno on the ol' pornograph, waiting for the sun to arise and melt his anguish, along with the snow that teased him so.

"Oh April," he cried, "will you never come?"

"Wrong hole! Ya’ bloody pervert," April said breathlessly.


I edited it HP.