Old 10-25-2012, 10:22 AM   #8276
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Little Johnny is such a polite boy

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
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My first new story in 3 long years

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. -- Kathleen Casey Theisen

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps. --Emo Philips

Don't think about it, just swallow. --my friend Eileen

She went around with a broken heart, and she wasn't sure who'd broken it. She thought it was herself, mostly.
― Ann Brashares


Come on in--the smut is fine
 

Old 10-25-2012, 10:38 AM   #8277
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Blow-up dolls
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"
R
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My first new story in 3 long years

Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. -- Kathleen Casey Theisen

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps. --Emo Philips

Don't think about it, just swallow. --my friend Eileen

She went around with a broken heart, and she wasn't sure who'd broken it. She thought it was herself, mostly.
― Ann Brashares


Come on in--the smut is fine
 

Old 10-25-2012, 11:54 AM   #8278
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Bumped these up for those that don't go back and read the previous page. By the way Saucy! Good Stuff! Thanks to everyone who keeps this thread intertaining.
DG


Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute...and clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like she's ....been ....sweeping around!!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by phantom4533 View Post
What will the bride broom say when the groom broom comes out of the closet?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetMaj View Post
Why don't you sweep me from behind?
 

Old 10-25-2012, 02:51 PM   #8279
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Bumped these up for those that don't go back and read the previous page. By the way Saucy! Good Stuff! Thanks to everyone who keeps this thread intertaining.
DG

You're so welcome, DG.

(I love this thread!)
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Old 10-26-2012, 05:46 AM   #8280
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Stupid Jokes

Flu

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?

For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment



Watch your health...

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather...


Burger

A lady walks into food court and orders a burger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts
 

Old 10-26-2012, 10:56 AM   #8281
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Butch:
"What are you reading?"

She:
"I have downloaded a book on improving your sex life. It turns out that the clitoris is much bigger than previously thought."

Butch:
"The what ?"
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 10-26-2012, 10:56 AM   #8282
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Oddball thought:
Did you know there is a species of Antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?
This is due to it's powerful hind legs.
That and the fact that a house cannot jump.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 10-26-2012, 10:57 AM   #8283
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I sent a text to the Boss this morning:
"What is the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
The reply was quite quick:
"I don't know"
I sent back:
"I'm not coming in this morning."
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 10-27-2012, 08:52 AM   #8284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Oddball thought:
Did you know there is a species of Antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house?
This is due to it's powerful hind legs.
That and the fact that a house cannot jump.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
I sent a text to the Boss this morning:
"What is the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
The reply was quite quick:
"I don't know"
I sent back:
"I'm not coming in this morning."
Good ones HP! Made me smile.
 

Old 10-27-2012, 08:56 AM   #8285
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HP's jokes made me laugh, too. And triggered the memory of a series of stupid jokes that never fail to make me laugh:

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he's not going to come when you call him.

Q: What do you call that same dog on your doorstep?
A: Matt.

Q: That same dog on a leash?
A: A real drag.

Q: That same dog swimming?
A: Bob

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Where ever you last left him.

A: Though I did manage to lose my dog with no legs.
Q: How?
A: I took him to the top of a hill and told him to "roll over." He never stopped.
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Not with my Twin! - Summer Lovin' contest entry - Brother/Sister twins, Rob & Robin, discover each other.

Click here to read the rest of my stories.
 

Old 10-27-2012, 09:09 AM   #8286
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a joke

I'll try one of my favorites--

A man gets up to go fishing but it's raining cats and dogs. Undeterred he packs his cooler, loads it up and attaches his boat and gets everything ready. But it's still raining so he reads the paper and drinks a cup of Joe.

When he finishes it's still raining like mad so in anger, he unpacks everything and unhooks the boat. When he's finished all of this, in a funk he goes back upstairs and opening the bedroom door sees his wife in the bed and says to himself: "I know what I'll do this am."

So with a smile he climbs in next to her and whispers in her ear, "It's raining like mad out there."
And in a sleepy voice she replies, "I know, can you believe my husband is out fishing in that crap?"
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Old 10-27-2012, 11:05 AM   #8287
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Welcome aboard MarieWriter. Please come back and visit and post often.
Cute stuff BuckyDuckman, Thank you for being part of the humor or humour thread as HP might say.

He's like the backbone of this thread. Everyone is welcome to post here.
DG
 

Old 10-27-2012, 12:03 PM   #8288
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What do you call a blind deer?

No idea.

What do you call a blind deer who can't get lucky?

No fucking idea.

What do you call a dead, blind deer who never got lucky?

Still no fucking idea.


Tongue twister

Try saying this as quickly as you can.

One smart fella he felt smart;
Two smart fellas they felt smart;
Three smart fellas they felt smart...
 

Old 10-28-2012, 04:48 AM   #8289
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21 Dumbest Criminals of the 21st Century (So Far)

Poor Man’s Hummer

Jonesville, Virginia: William Anderson, 51, was arrested after attracting attention by applying for welfare at the department of social services while driving an H2 Hummer. Thinking it an odd sight, the local sheriff ran the plates, and the vehicle came up as stolen.

Repeat Offender

West Palm Beach, Florida: Things were looking up for Frank Singleton, 21, as he was released from jail. However, when he realized that he didn’t have a ride home, he walked straight into the prison parking lot and attempted to carjack a woman. He was foiled when he realized that he couldn’t drive a car with a stick shift. As he was re-arrested — this time, for felony carjacking — Singleton told police that he simply “didn’t feel like walking.”

Now Hiring

Athens, Georgiaemetrius Robinson, 28, wanted to rob a Golden Pantry store late one night, but he needed to pass the time as naturally as possible until he and the clerk were alone, so he decided to fill out a job application. Not a bad idea, except he left his real name on the application, along with his uncle’s phone number. After he robbed the store, it didn’t take long for police to track him down. He didn’t get the job.

Worst. Burglar. Ever.

Fort Myers Beach, Florida: Amateur criminal and professional dimwit Christopher Kron created his own personal “how not to commit burglary” instructional video when he tried to rob a restaurant after closing one night. Mistake #1: He tripped the alarm when he broke in. Mistake #2: He failed to flee after hearing the (not silent) alarm. Mistake #3: When ADT called the restaurant after being notified of the alarm, Kron answered the phone. Mistake #4: He gave the ADT employee his real name. Mistake #5: When he finally got the bright idea to leave, all he took was a bottle of Grand Marnier and a beer. Mistake #6: Having gotten away with the crime, he returned to the restaurant the next day and was recognized by an employee who had seen the surveillance video. Kron was arrested on the spot.

Dumb in an Elevator

Oslo, Norway: Two men in their early 20s (age and IQ) decided to vandalize an elevator in a train station by violently kicking the closed doors…while they were still inside. The doors jammed, and the elevator stopped, sounding an alarm that alerted security guards. The guards tried to lower the elevator, but the doors jammed even more, so they called the police and the fire department. The two vandals were eventually freed — and promptly arrested. Their actions were recorded on the elevator’s security camera.

Keep Your Eye on the Road

Osternarke, Sweden: A 56-year-old woman’s boldly dumb defense in her trial for drunken driving was that the alcohol did not affect her driving because she kept one eye closed to avoid seeing double. She was sentenced to two months in prison.

World’s Greatest Dad

Bristol, Tennessee: In his stunted way of thinking, Randy Lewis, 43, was at least trying to be responsible by not driving drunk during a beer run. Instead, he had his 10-year-old son drive. The boy proceeded to crash the car at an estimated 90 miles per hour. The elder Lewis had not only a blood-alcohol content of over three times the state limit, but he also had cocaine in his system — not to mention two other children in the vehicle. Lewis was charged with drunk driving, reckless endangerment and child abuse and was booked wearing a t-shirt reading “Buy this dad a beer.”

Note to Self

Marysville, California: Arthur Cheney, 64, was arrested after police spotted him driving a car that resembled one used in a local bank robbery. Something told them that they had their man when they noticed a yellow Post-It note on the car’s center console with a handwritten message reading, “Robbery - 100s and 50s only.”

A Novel Approach

Wroclaw, Poland: Polish author Krystian Bala, 34, might’ve gotten away with murder…if he hadn’t written about it in his book. His 2003 novel Amok became a beststeller in Poland, but he paid the price when police noticed that the details of a murder in the book eerily matched those of an unsolved 2000 case. The similarities led the police to investigate further, discovering connections between Bala and the victim, including the fact that the victim was romantically involved with Bala’s ex-wife. Although it wasn’t proven that the author was the sole perpetrator, he was sentenced to 25 years in jail for his part in the crime.

Pee Bandits

Crescent City, California: Krystal Evans, 26, and Denise McClure, 24, were arrested for destruction of evidence when they sifted through a DHL delivery van looking for Evans’ probation-mandatory urine sample that was on its way to a forensic lab. The pair knew that Evans’ sample would test positive, meaning she’d be sent back to jail, so they attempted to grab the urine before it reached its destination. The driver, however, caught them and called the cops. Ironically, Evans’ sample tested negative, but the sample she had to give after being arrested for the pee caper came up positive for meth.

Billion Dollar Dummy

Dallas, Texas: Rule #1 of trying to cash a bogus check: make it out for a reasonable amount. Charles Ray Fuller, 21, broke that rule and all conventions of common sense when he tried to cash a check for 360 BILLION DOLLARS. To top it off, the check wasn’t even made out to him. He was arrested on forgery charges.


Tattoo Clue

Billings, Montana: A wanted man with an unusual surname was arrested after police noticed the name tattooed on the side of his head. Officers working on a separate case happened to walk past Sterling F. Wolfname, 26, when they saw the word “Wolfname” tattooed on his head. The name matched that of a suspect in a fatal beating in Wyoming. Wolfname lied about his identity, but his tattoo gave police a “heads up.”

“Porn Inspector”? Nice try.

Longmont, Colorado: Andrew Libby, 33, was arrested for impersonating a cop and demanding copies of pornographic movies from an adult video store. Claiming to be an “age verification detective,” Libby told the store’s employees that his job was to make sure the movies’ stars were at least 18 years old. The workers didn’t buy his story (his Fabio hair probably didn’t help).

Bills, Bills, Bills

Brooklyn, New York: As Victor Marin, 20, was stealing $218 in cash from an apartment he had broken into, for some reason he decided to take out his own wallet and lay it on a bed. When he left, he forgot something — wait for it — his wallet! When Marin returned minutes later, the apartment’s resident was back. Standing outside, Marin offered to return the money in exchange for his wallet, which contained his ID and credit cards. The victim told him to stuff the money under the front door, but since the wad included 93 dollar bills, it was too tall to fit, and Marin had difficulty shoving the bills inside. That gave police time to show up and arrest him.

Hangman

Dartford, England: John Pearce, 32, came to realize the hazards of daylight burglary when in the course of climbing through a window, his foot got caught in the window, leaving him dangling upside-down in plain sight of pedestrians walking down the busy sidewalk. Onlookers proceeded to mock him mercilessly until police arrived.

Dial-a-Dealer

Gulfport, Florida: Shaquille McKinney, 14, decided to try his hand at telemarketing. Trouble is, he was selling drugs, and the potential buyer turned out to be a policeman. When McKinney cold-called Detective Matt Parks, the cop told him he had the wrong number. Before hanging up, the teen asked Parks if he wanted to buy drugs. The policeman agreed to meet in a nearby parking lot, where McKinney was arrested.

1,000 Strikes?

Lexington, Kentucky: If there’s a lifetime achievement award for petty crime, Henry Earl would win hands-down. Since 1970, he’s been arrested a whopping 1,333 times (and counting), although he serves an average of less then four days per offense. Dumb or dedicated? You be the judge.

Ice Cream Men

La Plata, Maryland: Wesley Jumper, 36, and Shawn Stewart, 36, are apparently very dirty and very stupid. How else could you explain their decision to 1) steal $500 worth of soap and shampoo from a CVS drug store, and 2) use a Good Humor ice cream truck as their getaway vehicle. The truck, which Stewart used for day job, was easy enough for the police to spot, and the men were promptly arrested. No word on what happened to the confiscated Nutty Buddies.

Drunk Driving Test

Bendorf, Germany: A 27-year-old man arrived for his road driving test smelling of alcohol. Although he insisted to the instructor that he hadn’t had anything to drink, he proceeded to drive erratically, at which point the instructor directed him to pull into a parking lot…at a police station. The man was booked for driving with a blood-alcohol content of three times the legal limit. And he failed the test.

This Crack’s Wack

Hawthorne, Florida: Eloise Reaves, 50, stretched the limits of “to serve and protect” when she approached a policeman and asked him to help her get her money back for the poor-quality crack cocaine she’d just purchased. She showed him the crack, which she had tucked away in her mouth, and he placed her under arrest. The accused salesman was not charged.

Dear Dummy…

Boyds, Maryland: While awaiting trial for murder and armed robbery, inmate Quinton Thomas sent a friendly letter to a chum suggesting that he kill any witnesses who were planning to testify against him. He figured he could be so bold because he knew that the prison staff didn’t screen outgoing mail. However, he must’ve sent the letter to the wrong address or affixed the wrong postage, because it was sent back “Return to Sender,” making it INCOMING mail, which IS screened by the staff. He was convicted on three new counts — one of solicitation to commit murder and two of witness intimidation — in addition to the original charges.
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Old 10-28-2012, 10:31 AM   #8290
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Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 10-28-2012, 10:49 AM   #8291
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft."

Maybe that's when the "Big Bang" happened.

Good ones, HP.
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"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
SHANIA TWAIN.

There is no limitation to my imagination.
 

Old 10-28-2012, 12:45 PM   #8292
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Had to share this one.
DG

Too Funny Just think….you are sharing the road with people like this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8&sns=em
 

Old 10-28-2012, 03:19 PM   #8293
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[quote=DG Hear;42361430]Had to share this one.
DG

Too Funny Just think….you are sharing the road with people like this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CI8UPHMzZm8&sns=em

Well, her heart's in the right place - trying to prevent collisions with deer. Her brain? Well, that's another matter.
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100% smut or stroke, and proud of it.

The Rest of My Smut

Dirty old man.
 

Old 10-29-2012, 09:00 AM   #8294
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How to name a baby...?

A pregnant woman gets into a deep sleep after giving birth. Asleep for nearly 2 days, she wakes up and ask doctor:
- How is my baby?
- Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.
- The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!". Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor: - Well, what's the girl's name?
- Denise, the doctor says.
- The new mother thinks: "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!". Then she asks the doctor: - What's the boy's name?
- DeNephew...


Stupid Teacher

A teacher was helping a student in english:
Teacher: What is the past tense of playing?
Student: What do you think it is sir?
Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW.
Student: I don't think I know either sir.
 

Old 10-29-2012, 10:01 AM   #8295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Exquisition View Post
Tongue twister

Try saying this as quickly as you can.

One smart fella he felt smart;
Two smart fellas they felt smart;
Three smart fellas they felt smart...
When I was a librarian, I did a story time featuring tongue twisters and being a little mischievious, I taught that one to a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds. Please picture them running around the library yelling fart smellers. It was awesome.

Did I get in trouble? Yes. Was it deserved? Hell yes. Was it worth it? Absolutely

I said to my poor long suffering manager who had to put up with my shenanigans, "I could have taught them this one:

I slit a sheet.
A sheet I slit.
On this be-slitted sheet I sit."

He saw my point.
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Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. -- Kathleen Casey Theisen

Some days it just doesn't pay to gnaw through the leather straps. --Emo Philips

Don't think about it, just swallow. --my friend Eileen

She went around with a broken heart, and she wasn't sure who'd broken it. She thought it was herself, mostly.
― Ann Brashares


Come on in--the smut is fine
 

Old 10-29-2012, 10:41 AM   #8296
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I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"


"F*cking' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
 

Old 10-31-2012, 08:14 AM   #8297
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Halloween Dictionary

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the Snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee.

==============================
Halloween Quotes:
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. -- Unknown
 

Old 10-31-2012, 08:37 AM   #8298
oggbashan
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Christopher Marlowe: Dr Faustus

"Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!"


Definition of a Milli-Helen:

The face that launched one ship.
 

Old 11-01-2012, 06:55 AM   #8299
Handley_Page
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oggbashan View Post
Christopher Marlowe: Dr Faustus

"Was this the face that launched a thousand ships,
And burnt the topless towers of Ilium?
Sweet Helen, make me immortal with a kiss!"


Definition of a Milli-Helen:

The face that launched one ship.

Would a face best described with a value of one micro-Helen be enough to cancel the launch ?
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Old 11-01-2012, 07:00 AM   #8300
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The businessman went to his Lawyer:
"So - how do we proceed in Court tomorrow?"

The lawyer looked pensive and said: "I'm not sure. Discrimination cases are tough these days and there have been complaints about your new sign."

The businessman was very determined and said: "It is not discriminatory. It is factual"

The lawyer looked up in surprise: "Really - what does it say?"

The reply came back with some speed: "We do not serve women. You must bring your own."
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