Old 10-16-2012, 07:00 AM   #8251
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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs so he couldn't get back in.
 

Old 10-17-2012, 04:53 AM   #8252
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The True Meaning of the Word 'Service!'

At one time in my life, I thought I understood the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
Public Service Employees
Immigration Service
Dept. Health & Human Services
Forest Service
Natl. Park Service
Natural Resources Conservation Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.

WHAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
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Old 10-17-2012, 05:00 AM   #8253
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Oh I do wish we had these over here. We have a different class of moron.


DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people are breeding and can vote!!
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:03 AM   #8254
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My son is 6 today and we spent $500 on presents.

"He's growing up fast" cooed my missus, "Don't you wish we could turn the clock back 6 years?"

"Well actually," I replied, thinking of the costs so far, "I'd turn it back further and come on your tits."
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Old 10-17-2012, 08:31 AM   #8255
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The boys were working late into the night on re-building a car.

"I cannot wait for the weekend, Fred, I'm off into the wilds camping & fishing"

Fred put down the spanner he'd been trying to use and said "I'm going to watch 'mission impossible' this weekend"

"That old film?"

"No," said Fred, "I just got my wife some 'slim-fit' jeans she's been pestering me for, and I'm going to make her try them on."
He calmly picked up his spanner and resumed work on the nut.
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:01 PM   #8256
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A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.

“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn’t move.”
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Old 10-18-2012, 05:02 PM   #8257
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Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"

I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."

"So?"

"So, I usually punch him when I see him."
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Old 10-18-2012, 06:25 PM   #8258
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Last night, the barman asked, "How come every time you come in here with your wife, Billy Smith quickly finishes his pint and leaves?"

I replied, "Billy was actually the first person to introduce us."

"So?"

"So, I usually punch him when I see him."
Caught me by surprise and made me laugh. Thank you for doing so much for the humor thread.

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Old 10-18-2012, 08:36 PM   #8259
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Hubby thought I should let you all see this funny..

http://pinterest.com/pin/252905335295914600/
 

Old 10-18-2012, 09:25 PM   #8260
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Misplaced_Gypsy View Post
Hubby thought I should let you all see this funny..

http://pinterest.com/pin/252905335295914600/
I wonder if he's going to crumb Mayo.
 

Old 10-19-2012, 09:23 AM   #8261
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In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."

"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Billy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"

Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"
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Old 10-19-2012, 01:03 PM   #8262
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My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to breast feed him.
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Old 10-19-2012, 02:09 PM   #8263
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
My son fell asleep at a recent house party we had, so I decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a cock on his face.

My wife went mental when she picked him up to breast feed him.
What the hell was that? haha
You're funny.
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Old 10-19-2012, 10:56 PM   #8264
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One of the most horrible jokes I know

I felt like less than a human for laughing at this one, but I did laugh...

A man experiences the sad misfortune of receiving one of <i>those</i> kinds of phone calls. "We're sorry to inform you, you're wife has been in a horrible car accident." He rushes to the hospital and sits for hours in the waiting room as a team of doctors work through the night. Horrible thoughts fill his mind. In the early hours of the pre-dawn morning, the lead surgeon comes into the waiting room with a grim look on his face to deliver the bad news.

"You're wife has experienced massive injuries. We've done the best we can, however, you should know her once beautiful, fair skin has been horribly burned and scarred, I'm afraid that's just the beginning. She experienced massive trauma to her head and face that has left her without a nose, most of her lower jaw or her sight. I'm afraid the only way to feed her will be through a tube in her burnt and scarred neck. This will require a highly expensive and specialized diet that you will have to puree into a fine soup and hand feed her due to the fact that she is paralyzed in what's left of both her arms.

"Other injuries have left her incontinent in with both urinary and fecal matters, which will require her to wear adult diapers for the rest of her life which you will have to check and change on a regular basis. Due to her diet needs, expect this to happen frequently and for it to be odoriferous. This will be especially difficult because she seems to have developed an odd tremor in both her legs which makes her legs flail about.

"She'll need round the clock care, seven days a week. Because she is now a deaf, blind, mute without control of her limbs, there is no way for us to know if she alert, aware or in pain.

"Additionally, I've been informed by our billing department that none of her post-operative care is covered by your insurance. I'm afraid you'll have to quit your job, live on welfare and provide all of her needs yourself until she dies a natural death. Which, considering her remarkable constitution, may be decades from today."

The man breaks into tears. He realizes his life and his wife's life is ruined. There is no way he can image spending the rest of his life caring for the shell of a woman his wife has become. No more golfing with his buddies or late night poker parties. He can kiss his career good-bye. Worse, he'll never again know the companionship and warmth of his wife. His life is over and he has no idea what to do.

That's when the surgeon puts a reassuring hand on the man's shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just kidding. She died on the table.
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Old 10-20-2012, 06:24 PM   #8265
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I received this and I love it!

A guy asked a girl in a library; “Do you mind if I sit beside you”?

The girl answered with a loud voice; "I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”.
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and she told him
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$500 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT’S TOO MUCH!" ...

all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears,

“ I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty."
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Old 10-21-2012, 12:07 PM   #8266
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Talking Dear Tech Support.....

Ok, I have had this little letter for over 10 years. Please remove all liquids from your immediate area. I SHALL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR UNCONTROLLED LAUGHING AND SPILLAGE!

With that said do you have some paper towels nearby to clean up after you laugh so hard you spew?

Onto the letter now..............




Subject: Tech Support
issue Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Furthermore, Conversation 8.0 invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've downloaded Nagging 5.3 in an attempt to fix Husband 1.0 bugs, with limited results.
HELP! Jane



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Jane:
Yours problem is very common and stems from a misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 without understanding that Boyfriend 5.0 is fundamentally an ENTERTAINMENT package. Even though Boyfriend 5.0 times out after a period of time, the real product may be less stable. Note that Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM, and designed to run as few applications as possible. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. New program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Furthermore, you cannot return to Boyfriend 5.0. Hidden files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so you would gain nothing. Error messages are a common, normal part of Husband 1.0 operation. In desperation to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, this can create even more problems. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support" and be sure to purge any HeartBreak 1.3 bat files in the directory. Short of changing platforms, my recommendation is to retain Husband 1.0, and learn the quirks of this strange, illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I found the README entitled General Partnership Faults [GPFs] helpful. In summary, Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To find this file, choose START RUN "A:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.EXE". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously. Husband 1.0 should then correctly run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to use the RUN A:/I APOLOGIZE.EXE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to freeze up, in which case GrumpySilence 2.5, or Beer 6.0 may activate. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are impossible to delete. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 101.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities may help keep Husband 1.0 up and running. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become more familiar and you may find valuable add-on features have been downloaded automatically, such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and causes selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is de-installed. Good Luck! Tech Support




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading this and enjoying it. I will post more soon!

E.T.
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Old 10-21-2012, 03:00 PM   #8267
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Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
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Old 10-22-2012, 01:25 PM   #8268
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I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street today and as I was just
about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, "You've dropped your purse, you've dropped
your purse!"

She didn't hear me and got on the bus, so I got on the bus too.

I walked to the back of the bus and breathlessly said to her, "You dropped
your purse on the floor outside McDonalds."

"Thank you so much," she replied, "Well, where is it?"

"I've just fucking told you, it's on the floor outside McDonalds!"
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Old 10-22-2012, 01:50 PM   #8269
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A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
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Old 10-23-2012, 02:32 PM   #8270
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Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
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Old 10-24-2012, 07:58 AM   #8271
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Hello!

"Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. Hearing no response, she repeated, "Hello?"

"Ill bet you want me to come over and take you into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you until dawn." the male voice whispered.

"Wow! You're good." she replied. "You mean you can tell all that from two hellos?"
 

Old 10-24-2012, 02:28 PM   #8272
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The young lady had just arrived at the other end of the bar and was attracting considerable masculine attention.

Two blokes were at the other end of the bar watching the fun.
"Good lord," said the first, "it's that whore again."
"oh," said the second man, "I wouldn't exactly call her a whore - "
"And why not?" came the interruption.
"Well, I doubt anyone would actually Pay to shag her."
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Old 10-25-2012, 08:29 AM   #8273
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Just received this one

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute...and clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like she's ....been ....sweeping around!!!
 

Old 10-25-2012, 08:36 AM   #8274
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and
after a while they got to know each other so
well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome
and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was
lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! !! !! !






'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'

............ ............ ..............
Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.
Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly
....little cute...and clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sounds to me like she's ....been ....sweeping around!!!
What will the bride broom say when the groom broom comes out of the closet?
 

Old 10-25-2012, 10:13 AM   #8275
SweetMaj
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantom4533 View Post
What will the bride broom say when the groom broom comes out of the closet?

Why don't you sweep me from behind?
__________________
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SHANIA TWAIN.

There is no limitation to my imagination.
 
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