Old 09-14-2012, 08:51 PM   #8176
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily124 View Post
Reminds me of a old joke when I was a kid, many moons ago.

Jack and Jill, went up a hill
On the back of an elephant.
Jill got off and helped Jack
off the elephant.
 

Old 09-16-2012, 01:50 PM   #8177
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Just received this one

TO ALL EMPLOYEES [EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY]

DRESS CODE
-It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

-If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

-If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

SICK DAYS
-We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

HOLIDAY DAYS
-Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

COMPASSIONATE LEAVE
-This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

TOILET USE
-Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the cubicles.

-At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

-After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

-Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK
-Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.

-Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

-Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

SURGERY
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND WORKPLACE BULLYING
-Any employee caught filing complaints to these matters will be framed and terminated expeditiously.

INTERNET USAGE
All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary. Note: charges applicable as $3 per minute as we have a fast connection.

-73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

PREGNANCY
-In the event of labour pains, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labour, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT two weeks' notice is required as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Regards,
HR Department
 

Old 09-17-2012, 06:49 PM   #8178
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My mate said, "Bloody hell, I was so drunk last night."

I said, "Not as drunk as me."

He said, "Course I was, did you see that girl I went home with? She was a fucking ginger."

I said, "That's nothing. Did you see the girl I went home with?"

He said, "Didn't your wife pick you up?"

I said, "Yep."

He said, "Fair point."


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Old 09-17-2012, 09:46 PM   #8179
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Two blokes were sharing a pint at the local pub, as they did most nights, when the first bloke turned to his partner and asked, "If I were to have sex with your wife and she were to have a baby, would that make us related?"

The second bloke thought about it for a moment before he shook his head and said, "Not related, but it would make us even."
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Old 09-18-2012, 02:20 PM   #8180
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I've got a topless woman as my wallpaper and it's always embarrassing when people see it.

Apparently it's not what most people have in their living room...
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Old 09-19-2012, 03:32 PM   #8181
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The Brothel

The madam opened the door of the Elko County, Nevada, brothel and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was still $10,000.

The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "Billings, Montana."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Billings."

"I know," the man said. "I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her attorney. I'm the executor of her estate, and I came here to give you your $30,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.
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Old 09-20-2012, 06:45 PM   #8182
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I shagging a fat chick last night whilst I was drunk and this morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again, call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."
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Old 09-21-2012, 08:51 PM   #8183
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Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked.

Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!



Water


My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. “Excuse me,” said the woman, pointing to a pond. “What is that water made out of?”

Bemused, my friend replied, “Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen.”

“See?” she said to her boyfriend. “I told you it wasn’t real.”
 

Old 09-22-2012, 03:34 AM   #8184
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Two ladies at the Water cooler:

1st. I cannot stand it any more. I got to get twin beds or even separated.
2nd. Why, what's up ?
1st. Every time he reaches an orgasm, he screams so loud.
2nd. And this is a problem ?
1st. Yes it is. He wakes me up !
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Old 09-23-2012, 07:01 AM   #8185
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How 10 American Towns Got Their Names

1. Hell, Michigan

If you've always wanted to see Hell freeze over, visit this place in winter, when the Highland Lake dam often gets icy enough to stop the water flow. In summer, when temperatures are moderate, the town has a "Satan's Holidays" festival and a road race called "Run to Hell." In October is the "Halloween in Hell" Celebration. The town got its name in 1841, when George Reeves, an early settler in this low, swampy place in southeast Michigan, was asked what the thought the town should be named. "I don't care," Reeves said. "You can name it 'Hell' if you want to."

2. Slapout, Alabama

Oscar Peeples, the town grocer in the early 1900s, was forever waiting on customers who asked for things he didn't have. "I'm slap out of it," Peeples would say. This central Alabama community, north of Montgomery, is now little more than a crossroads, with a church, bank, barber shop, and the tumbledown remains of Peeples' old store.

3. Noodle, Texas

In the late 1800s, Texans often used the word noodle to mean "nothing," which is exactly what they found when they arrived at this locale near Abilene. Now there are two churches, a store and an old gin.

For nearly a century, the population has held steady at about 40 people.

4. Joe, Montana

When quarterback Joe Montana signed on with the Kansas City Chiefs in 1993, a Missouri radio station urged the folk of Ismay, in southeast Montana near the North Dakota border, to change the town's name to "Joe." The sports-minded citizenry, all 22 of them, voted in favor of the change, and a new industry was born. In fact, money raised from selling, "Joe, Montana" souvenirs enabled the town to build a new fire station.

5. Lizard Lick, North Carolina

Since 1972, the residents of this town, 16 miles east of Raleigh, have held lizard races every fall to herald the farming community's unusual name. It dates back to the days when the area was home to a federally operated liquor still, and lizards were brought in to cut down on the insects. Traveling salesman noticed the creatures and dubbed the community Lizard Lick.

6. Chicken, Alaska

The village, in the Alaskan wild near the Canadian border, is named for a bird, but not the one you think. In the late 1800s, gold miners found a reliable meal in the abundance of ptarmigan, a grouse-like critter whose white feathers make it look, from a distance, like a chicken. When the townsfolk decided to incorporate in 1902, none of them knew how to spell ptarmigan. So they went with the look-alike Chicken to avoid the jokes of misspelled name would incur. Unfortunately, poultry jokes now abound. The town has a full-time population of about 30 people and mail delivery every Tuesday and Friday. There's a saloon, but no telephones or central plumbing. Incidentally, the ptarmigan is now the Alaska state bird.

7. Spot, Tennessee

A dot in the road about an hour west of Nashville, Spot was named by a sawmill operator who was always writing folks about business. One day, pen in hand, the sawmill operator sat at his desk, worrying over a letter from postal authorities wanting to know what to call the town. A spot of ink dropped onto the sawmill operator's white stationery, and the town had its name. By town, we mean a couple of houses and a ramshackle store.

8. Peculiar, Missouri

In the spring of 1868, Postmaster E.T. Thomson decided to name his town "Excelsior," but postal officials told him it was already taken. Thomson reapplied with new names, and received the same response time after time. Exasperated, he finally told postal officials to assign the town a unique name, one that was "sort of peculiar." Peculiar, near the Kansas border just south of Kansas City, is home to about 1,800 people.

9. Zap, North Dakota

A Northern Pacific Railroad official, in charge of naming settlements on the line, named Zap after Zapp, Scotland, because both places had coal mines. The city, about 15 miles south of Lake Sakakawea, encompasses one square mile and is home to about 300.

10. Embarrass, Minnesota

If faces are red here, it's only because the town - 205 miles north of St. Paul - is typically the coldest spot in the continental United States. The midwinter temperature often drops to -60 °F, and snow has been known to fall in June. The name comes from early settlers, who used the French word for obstacle - embarrass - to describe the hardships they faced in the frigid territory. Today, the population is largely Finnish. They celebrate their thriving community with a Finnish-American Festival every summer.

And Don't Forget ...

Think the preceding towns have nutty names? Here are some more:

- Idiotville, Oregon
- Knockemstiff, Ohio
- Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky
- Satan's Kingdom, Vermont
- Toad Suck, Arkansas
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Old 09-23-2012, 09:03 AM   #8186
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Good ones, Handley

I keep thinking of how Intercourse Penn. got it's name. Any Ideas? LOL
 

Old 09-23-2012, 02:37 PM   #8187
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Good ones, Handley

I keep thinking of how Intercourse Penn. got it's name. Any Ideas? LOL
Seems to have been a road junction:-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intercourse,_Pennsylvania
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Old 09-23-2012, 08:35 PM   #8188
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Good ones, Handley

I keep thinking of how Intercourse Penn. got it's name. Any Ideas? LOL
One of my favourites... Loveladies, New Jersey...

And it's not that far from Double Trouble State Park, too!
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Old 09-23-2012, 09:21 PM   #8189
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
How 10 American Towns Got Their Names

1. Hell, Michigan

If you've always wanted to see Hell freeze over, visit this place in winter, when the Highland Lake dam often gets icy enough to stop the water flow. In summer, when temperatures are moderate, the town has a "Satan's Holidays" festival and a road race called "Run to Hell." In October is the "Halloween in Hell" Celebration. The town got its name in 1841, when George Reeves, an early settler in this low, swampy place in southeast Michigan, was asked what the thought the town should be named. "I don't care," Reeves said. "You can name it 'Hell' if you want to."
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Old 09-23-2012, 10:06 PM   #8190
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my sense of humour isn't very elaborate
 

Old 09-23-2012, 11:27 PM   #8191
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Thought you all would find this funny

http://youtu.be/XCiwSDzRnyU
 

Old 09-25-2012, 08:02 AM   #8192
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Quote:
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https://pbs.twimg.com/media/A3aJmPbCUAAf7_b.jpg

my sense of humour isn't very elaborate
Quote:
Originally Posted by The_Misplaced_Gypsy View Post
To those of you who are new to our thread. We welcome everyone to post here and it's always appreciated. There are always different strokes for different folks.

Don't worry if you think a joke was posted here before; it probably has,haha. We can always enjoy reading it again or for the first time. Please come back and visit (and post) often.
So Welcome aboard
DG
 

Old 09-25-2012, 07:15 PM   #8193
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Do Bats come from there ?
here
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Old 09-25-2012, 08:35 PM   #8194
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Do Bats come from there ?
here
This might be funny to some, very sad to others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZdiaFXW2U8
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Old 09-26-2012, 12:18 PM   #8195
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In honor of Intercourse

Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.

Why don't the Amish water ski?
Because the horses would drown.

What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

What's an Amish woman's favourite sexual fantasy?
Two Mennonite.

How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?

Robbery
Two fellers were in desparate need of cash, but admittedly were a bit cowardly. So the one suggested they break into the Amish market. The logic being that since the Amish were non-resistant, even if they were caught, no harm could befall them. Thus they carried out their plot. However, just as they were breaking into the cash register, the owner turned on the lights and confronted them, a shotgun pointed directly at them. Calmly, the Amishman said, Boys, I would never do thee any harm yet thee are standing where I am about to shoot. ."

Keeping It Warm
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up."

The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?" The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out."

Amish Pick Up Lines:
Do you come to this barn often?

Does your field need plowing?

Why don’t you come by around 8, bring a fresh bottle of buttermilk, and we’ll sit silently amongst my large family.

Would you like to see my well?

I’d totally get shunned for you.

Will you churn my butter for me?

When we’re not together I churn for you.

Want to raise a barn with me? It builds community.

I own many acres of fertile land in Pennsylvania

That modestly plain brown dress really brings out your eyes.

This quilting bee is turning into a quilting zzzzz. Wanna take a ride in my buggy, instead?
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Old 09-26-2012, 06:57 PM   #8196
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"Women" Quotes:

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]
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Old 09-26-2012, 06:58 PM   #8197
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SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
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Old 09-27-2012, 01:49 AM   #8198
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Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.
 

Old 09-27-2012, 10:37 AM   #8199
Handley_Page
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A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 09-27-2012, 08:28 PM   #8200
DG Hear
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Good Qualities

We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line “Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute,” one woman wrote, “I’m very good at following instructions.”
 
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