Old 08-24-2012, 04:14 PM   #8126
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Lost the Keys

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don’t bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it."

Fresh Flowers

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.

"What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."

"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
 

Old 08-25-2012, 08:28 AM   #8127
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(cute)

Rear Window Love

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.

When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."


Hypothetical Hollywood

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.

"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.

I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."

"In that case," she said, "I’ll play myself."
 

Old 08-25-2012, 10:03 AM   #8128
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Was drinking with a friend of mine one night. He looks over at me.

"You know i was into Necrophilia for awhile?"

I just kind of cock an eye towards him.

"Oh yea. It was great till the rotten bitch split on me."


I really need to stop drinking with him.

M.S.Tarot
 

Old 08-25-2012, 05:45 PM   #8129
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Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: ''That nice Red Staats asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.''

Edna: ''Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M.,
dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...

A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster,champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!''

Dorothy: ''Goodness gracious!... So are you telling me I shouldn't go out with him?''

Edna: ''No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
 

Old 08-26-2012, 06:04 AM   #8130
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Spooky !

Psychological Test

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right - including me.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, She believed him to be her dream and she fell in love with him right there but did not ask for his number and no matter how hard she tried shecould not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?



Give this some thought before you answer.


(Scroll Down)
















Answer:

She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

Note:
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.

Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly - good for you.
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Old 08-26-2012, 06:06 AM   #8131
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Strange Comedian Quotes:

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." George Burns

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home." Bill Cosby

"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door." Jeff Foxworthy
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Old 08-26-2012, 07:59 PM   #8132
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Can of Peaches

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.


"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."


The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"


She said, "Six."


The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."


Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."


Say It With Flowers

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife’s favorite flower?"

David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."
 

Old 08-27-2012, 12:50 PM   #8133
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Wedlock Wonder

Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.

This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:

"When people marry more than once, it’s called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it’s called monotony."


Business Trip

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while. Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business. I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited. We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home. The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It’s okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
 

Old 08-27-2012, 03:27 PM   #8134
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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, "Human
beings are the only animals that stutter."

A little girl raises her hand. saying, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

The teacher exclaimed, "That must've been scary."

The little girl said, "It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss,Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Sh*t,' the Rottweiler got
her!"
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Old 08-27-2012, 05:14 PM   #8135
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Received this from a friend
DG

Mavis & George were in the Bar, having a quiet drink. In came Fred, with a broad grin on his features.

“I gather the child is born, then,” said George. “Boy or Girl?”

“Well,” said Fred, “it seems that the child is a Hermaphrodite. Has both sets of genital equipment: Man & Woman”

Mavis looked up and said “ So it has a Penis AND a brain”.
 

Old 08-28-2012, 03:55 PM   #8136
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The room was full of pregnant women with their partners and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, and said, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your wife. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Wayne at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Old 08-29-2012, 07:04 AM   #8137
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Last Minute Gift

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That’d be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I’m taking out the trash."


Room For Two

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes," I replied. "It’s our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
 

Old 08-29-2012, 06:23 PM   #8138
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Room For Two

For our honeymoon my fiancée and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"

"Yes," I replied. "It’s our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
With the kind of stories I typically write? That would be a fair question, LOL!

Speaking of which - this joke would probably work in most of my stories, too:

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
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Old 08-29-2012, 08:52 PM   #8139
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Some fun with Stereotypes:

Blonde Style Male Jokes:

---

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'
---

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.
---

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.. 'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
---

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor.
---

'Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I can beat him to death.
AMEN'
---

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
---

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
---

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.*
---

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
---

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
---

While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.


good times.
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What we know is not everything to know: Therefore, what we know is potentially nothing at all. 6 4 5 1
There is space available on the middle ground. Extras by Request. (2)
The Lost Story ... 08@ (probable cause )
 

Old 08-30-2012, 05:22 AM   #8140
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Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt. Why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistic on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 

Old 08-30-2012, 07:44 PM   #8141
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Sent by a friend

AND THE FIGHT STARTED

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.
________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started....
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed... I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started.
________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started......
________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that's how the fight started.
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started.
 

Old 08-30-2012, 08:55 PM   #8142
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AND THE FIGHT STARTED
The husband and wife were watching a faith healer on TV who offered to cure the ailments of his television watching audience (in exchange for a healthy donation, of course). If only the faithful among the television audience would put one hand on top of their TV and the other hand on the part that ailed them the most.

The old woman had been having problems with indigestion, so she put on hand on the TV and the other on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband put on hand on the TV and his other hand on his crotch. "George," snapped the old woman. "The man's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

.... and that's how the fight started!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An elderly couple were sharing the Sunday newspaper. While he read the sports section, the wife looked through the Parade magazine insert. Suddenly, she rolled up her magazine insert and slapped her husband on the side of the head. "What was that for?" the man cried out.

"Forty-three years of BAD sex!" the wife complained. She unrolled her magazine and went back to her reading.

A few minutes later, the husband rolled up his sports section and slapped his wife on the side of the head. She immediately cried out, "What was that for?"

"Ever knowing the difference," the man said.
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Old 08-31-2012, 09:52 AM   #8143
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A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says,
"Darn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
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Old 08-31-2012, 09:58 AM   #8144
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Angela sat at her desk when Mavis sat on the other side.
"How you doin' ?" said Angela.
"Fine thanks"
"Is your husband still in hospital ?"
Mavis sighed, and replied:
Actually, last night I realised how strong a person I am and switched off my Husband's life-support machine.
"You try unplugging something when four beefy doctors try to wrestle you to the ground."
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Old 09-02-2012, 01:12 AM   #8145
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Cheesy

I recently talked to a doctor who had a rather strange friend. That friend kept a second refrigerator in which she stored nothing but cheese. It was full of a variety of different kinds of cheese. He confessed that his friend's behavior had him nonplussed.

"Oh," I said, "She probably suffers from that syndrome in which your mouth dries out from lack of saliva. You probably know the official name for it"

"Oh, yes," he said, "It's called ...." and he gave a lengthy name, probably in Latin or Greek, that I don't recall. "But what does that have to do with cheese?"

"Well," I said, "Many people with that syndrome find that cheese makes their mouths water---thus relieving them of the discomfort of their dry mouths. I'm surprised that you didn't know that."

"I didn't," he said. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said. "It's the ancient promise fulfilled. They find their salivation in cheeses."
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Old 09-03-2012, 08:34 AM   #8146
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Missing the Groom

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiancé, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don’t understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"
 

Old 09-03-2012, 06:37 PM   #8147
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So the nit-wit finally got married. On his honeymoon night, he realized he didn't know what he should do. As his freshly married wife laid in bed waiting for him, the nit-wit snuck his cell phone into the bathroom to call his brighter brother. "She's laying naked in bed waiting for me, what am I supposed to do?"

The nit-wit's brother laughed and gave him the follow instructions, "Just get naked, lay down next to her, start rubbing her stomach in a slow circle and whisper 'I love you' over and over again in her ear. Everything else will take care of itself."

Able to follow simple instructions, the nit-wit jumped between the sheets, started rubbing her stomach and whispered over and over "I love you... I love you..."

"Oh," his new wife purred. "Lower, baby. Lower!"

In a much deeper voice, he repeated, "I love you. I love you."
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Old 09-03-2012, 09:31 PM   #8148
YoursSINSerely
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
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Old 09-04-2012, 10:54 AM   #8149
Saucyminx
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I Don't Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he asked me what he

could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies, "Who do I look like Betty Crocker? I don't think so!"
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Old 09-04-2012, 07:33 PM   #8150
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These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
(National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
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"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 
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