Old 08-17-2012, 09:07 AM   #8101
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Originally Posted by BuckyDuckman View Post
>sigh< You sound like one more person who has lost their sense of wonder. I used to be a professional magician and I started each show with the same invitation: "Come with me into a land of wonder. A world where anything can happen and often does. A place where most of all you need to watch, because you never know when something was suddenly isn't." And at those last words, my cane would vanish. (Technically, transform into silks, but same dif.)

If someone was left wondering "How does he do that?" instead of enjoying the thrill of "Look what he's doing!" then I failed as an entertainer. Steve Frayne brought a moment of wonder to several hundred people that day and that's the magic.

One more little quibble: sleight of hand is seldom about being fast, it's more about being good. The hand is NEVER quicker than the eye.

Now, since this IS the humor thread - two cartoons I wish I still had:

The first was in Hustler showed a bored looking magcian's assistant bent over. The magician, in full tuxedo with tails, is standing with his prick dangling, announcing, "And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, I will make my penis disappear."

Second showed a surprise looking woman standing next to the bed. She's still dressed, but holding open her pants and looking down. Sitting on the bed, with a dejected look on his face, a magician dressed in full evening wear. At the foot of the bed was suitcase labeled "Mysterio the Great." The capture is the woman speaking, "I can understand that you have a problem with premature ejaculation, I just want to know how the hell you did it in my pants!"
I still have my sense of wonder, Bucky, and it always does leave me wondering how she did that. You seem to have a bit of that streak as well; you did catch the Moses/Noah leger-de-mot that I missed earlier.

What I do appreciate is the wonder of how people (and everything else) manage to do the amazing things they do. And knowing how they do them only makes it more amazing, if it's something they've done. I love watching Penn and Teller explaining how they do a trick while they're doing it, and still not seeing where they misdirected me to hide it. I'm not big on elaborate and expensive technical tricks, though, except, sometimes for the fact that someone thought of and designed them.

I do a bit of juggling, Bucky, and knowing how it's done gives me greater enjoyment in seeing those who do it well. I do three things at a time - three balls, three oranges, even three knives - so when I saw a juggler do what he called "The Dense, The Deadly, and the Delicious, I was awed. He juggled a bowling ball, a machete, and an apple together. His ability to deal with the different sizes, shapes, and weights all at once was astounding. I don't think someone who doesn't know what's involved in juggling can actually appreciate that as much as can another juggler.

There is another issue, though, the one that drives Randi, and one that I share: the fact that there are people who believe the abilities are supernatural and there are those who take advantage of that belief. I teach forensics, and I deal with the question of psychics every semester. There's even a police science textbook used where I teach that has a chapter on how to use psychics in investigations! One of the techniques I use to address it is fortune telling. I'm pretty good at it, and I'll get a student volunteer to have his or her fortune read by me. They're always amazed, and then I explain to them how I did it by "reading" their unconscious answers to my questions as I go from the obvious and general to the hidden and specific. Most understand, but I always have a few who, even after the explanation, tell me that I have real supernatural powers and should use them to help people.

I could go on, obviously; I am a lecturer by vocation, but I'll end with just one wider note. There are many people who think that if you "analyze" something, you take away from its wonder and beauty. Flowers are often the example used, but I find the more I know about the flower, the more wonderful it becomes to me. If you look at an orchid, say, and admire it for the pleasure it gives you, you've only used it as a vehicle for a form of masturbation - it's only about you. But if you see the orchid the way Darwin did, you see a living thing that has developed a wond'rous mode of having sex through intermediaries, and in understanding it more, in sensing more of who it is, you've made love with it.
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Old 08-17-2012, 09:11 AM   #8102
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I still have my sense of wonder, Bucky, and it always does leave me wondering how she did that. You seem to have a bit of that streak as well; you did catch the Moses/Noah leger-de-mot that I missed earlier.

What I do appreciate is the wonder of how people (and everything else) manage to do the amazing things they do. And knowing how they do them only makes it more amazing, if it's something they've done. I love watching Penn and Teller explaining how they do a trick while they're doing it, and still not seeing where they misdirected me to hide it. I'm not big on elaborate and expensive technical tricks, though, except, sometimes for the fact that someone thought of and designed them.

I do a bit of juggling, Bucky, and knowing how it's done gives me greater enjoyment in seeing those who do it well. I do three things at a time - three balls, three oranges, even three knives - so when I saw a juggler do what he called "The Dense, The Deadly, and the Delicious, I was awed. He juggled a bowling ball, a machete, and an apple together. His ability to deal with the different sizes, shapes, and weights all at once was astounding. I don't think someone who doesn't know what's involved in juggling can actually appreciate that as much as can another juggler.

There is another issue, though, the one that drives Randi, and one that I share: the fact that there are people who believe the abilities are supernatural and there are those who take advantage of that belief. I teach forensics, and I deal with the question of psychics every semester. There's even a police science textbook used where I teach that has a chapter on how to use psychics in investigations! One of the techniques I use to address it is fortune telling. I'm pretty good at it, and I'll get a student volunteer to have his or her fortune read by me. They're always amazed, and then I explain to them how I did it by "reading" their unconscious answers to my questions as I go from the obvious and general to the hidden and specific. Most understand, but I always have a few who, even after the explanation, tell me that I have real supernatural powers and should use them to help people.

I could go on, obviously; I am a lecturer by vocation, but I'll end with just one wider note. There are many people who think that if you "analyze" something, you take away from its wonder and beauty. Flowers are often the example used, but I find the more I know about the flower, the more wonderful it becomes to me. If you look at an orchid, say, and admire it for the pleasure it gives you, you've only used it as a vehicle for a form of masturbation - it's only about you. But if you see the orchid the way Darwin did, you see a living thing that has developed a wond'rous mode of having sex through intermediaries, and in understanding it more, in sensing more of who it is, you've made love with it.
*feels the urge for a cigarette after staring at the weeds in my lawn*
 

Old 08-17-2012, 09:17 AM   #8103
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*feels the urge for a cigarette after staring at the weeds in my lawn*
Nice one, phantom; thanks for the humourous sequitur.
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Old 08-17-2012, 09:20 AM   #8104
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Nice one, phantom; thanks for the humourous sequitur.
I'm in rare form this morning, Tio. I'm apt to blurt out most anthing. Makes work an adventure.
 

Old 08-17-2012, 09:38 AM   #8105
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This is one cool thread and I learn a lot from it as well as getting a lot of smiles and laughs. Thanks to all who post here.
With Respect
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Old 08-17-2012, 09:43 AM   #8106
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This is one cool thread and I learn a lot from it as well as getting a lot of smiles and laughs. Thanks to all who post here.
With Respect
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And those of us who follow it share your sentiment, DG, and thank you for hosting it.
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Old 08-18-2012, 03:58 PM   #8107
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Marriage and Weight

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what’s in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what’s in bed and goes to the fridge.


Good Answer

A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn’t even born."
 

Old 08-19-2012, 01:41 AM   #8108
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I could go on, obviously; I am a lecturer by vocation, but I'll end with just one wider note. There are many people who think that if you "analyze" something, you take away from its wonder and beauty
"When I heard the learn'd astronomer," by Walt Whitman (http://www.bartleby.com/142/180.html)
epitomizes this point of view. WW took several steps down in my estimation the first time I encountered that poem.
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:32 AM   #8109
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This is respectfully dedicated to Kipper

OLD IS WHEN ........


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
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Old 08-19-2012, 04:34 AM   #8110
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The Grand Mother of all Blonde jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her Husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she if OK.

She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting in the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...


(You'll like this...)



(I know you will...)




.
.
.
.
.
.
.


.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."
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Old 08-19-2012, 07:15 AM   #8111
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Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
OLD IS WHEN ........


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
Thank you HP. I loved it and a lot of truth there.
 

Old 08-19-2012, 11:10 PM   #8112
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Just received this from a friend.
DG

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off.


When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
 

Old 08-20-2012, 03:35 AM   #8113
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There's something wrong when a spammer, who joined the forum today, has more posts than I have.
 

Old 08-20-2012, 08:22 PM   #8114
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Any Batman fans out there? If you need a writing break and want a laugh check out this article.

http://www.comicsalliance.com/2012/0...-adams-review/


Batman-Odyssey. It's the craziest thing since...well the last insane thing they did with Batman.
 

Old 08-21-2012, 07:14 AM   #8115
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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:17 AM   #8116
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An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day.

The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground."

The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor."

The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"
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Old 08-21-2012, 07:18 AM   #8117
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:47 AM   #8118
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A newly engaged couple were having dinner with the bride-to-be's parents.
Things were going smoothly until her father decided to find out a little more about her fiancé.

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, Sir, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
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Old 08-21-2012, 11:51 AM   #8119
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The front desk at the big flash hotel took an unusual call:
" You need to send someone up to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

"I'm very sorry," said the Clerk, "but that is a personal matter between you both."

"No," said the caller, "you don't understand. The window will not open and that's maintenance isn't it?"
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Old 08-22-2012, 09:28 AM   #8120
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A man who'd just died was delivered to the local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female, Blonde mortician asked the deceased's wife how she'd like the body dressed and pointed out that he looked good in the black suit he was wearing.

The widow, however, said she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and she wanted him in a blue suit. She then gave the Blonde mortician a blank check saying, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

When the woman returned the next day for the wake, she was pleased to see her spouse was dressed in a handsome blue suit with subtle chalk stripe.
And the suit fit perfectly.

The new widow said, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her surprise, the Blonde mortician returned the blank check saying,
"There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit."

"Honestly, ma'am, it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead. She said it made no difference, as long as he looked nice.
So, I switched heads."
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Old 08-23-2012, 08:31 AM   #8121
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Among the Living

Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The student thinks it over, then answers, "The living one."

Good for Ants

A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?"

"No," says the salesperson. "It’ll kill ‘em!"
 

Old 08-23-2012, 01:12 PM   #8122
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Among the Living

Good for Ants

A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?"

"No," says the salesperson. "It’ll kill ‘em!"
From New England?
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Old 08-23-2012, 02:33 PM   #8123
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From New England?
Don't know! It's from Reader's Digest.
 

Old 08-23-2012, 08:53 PM   #8124
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Don't know! It's from Reader's Digest.
I ask because of the story about a westerner who was traveling in New England. He saw an old New England farmer leaning against his fence and contemplating passing traffic. Thinking he'd like to talk to the old fellow, he stopped his car, got out, and approached him.

After exchanging "Howdie"s, he asked "Lived here all your life?"

The reply was a laconic, "Not yet."
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Old 08-24-2012, 06:35 AM   #8125
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I ask because of the story about a westerner who was traveling in New England. He saw an old New England farmer leaning against his fence and contemplating passing traffic. Thinking he'd like to talk to the old fellow, he stopped his car, got out, and approached him.

After exchanging "Howdie"s, he asked "Lived here all your life?"

The reply was a laconic, "Not yet."
The westerner's car has broken down and he's walking towards town. The New Englander walks to the end of his drive to check his mailbox. The westerner calls out to him, "How long will it take me to get to the next town?" The New Englander just stares at him. The westerner tries again, talking louder and slower, "How long will take me to get to the next town?" Again, nothing but a blank stare. Giving up, the westerner starts walking again when the New Englander says, "About two hours."

"Why didn't you answer me the first two times I asked?" the westerner asks.

"Couldn't. Didn't know how fast you were walking."
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