Old 06-18-2008, 07:00 AM   #51
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The Ostrich

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks him for his order.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich,
'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That 'll be $9.40
please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change
for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke.'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.

'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the
table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there,' says
the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
 

Old 06-18-2008, 09:46 AM   #52
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Bwwwaaaaahhhhhaaaaahhhaaaa

Be careful what you ask for, you might just get it!
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:02 AM   #53
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New words

New Words for 2008

The following are essential vocabulary additions for use in the workplace and elsewhere:


1. BLAMESTORMING:

sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible

2. SEAGULL MANAGER:

a manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves

3. ASSMOSIS:

the process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY:

the experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end

5. CUBE FARM:

an office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING:

when someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on

7. MOUSE POTATO:

the on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato

8. SITCOM:

(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage)

what Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids

9. STRESS PUPPY:

a person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny

10. SWIPEOUT:

an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use

11. XEROX SUBSIDY:

euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace

12. IRRITAINMENT:

entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:

the fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

14. ADMINISPHERE:

the rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file; decisions that filter down from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve

15. 404:

someone who is clueless, as from the World Wide Web Error Message “404 Not Found” meaning that the requested site could not be located

16. GENERICA:

American landscape features that are exactly the same no matter where one is; such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions

17. OHNOSECOND:

that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFs:

(Well-Off Older Folks) usually a retiree who is hired as a consultant to do what he did before retiring but at four times as much money

19. CROP DUSTING:

surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cubicle Farm=
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:04 AM   #54
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How Sweet It IS!

SENILITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:07 AM   #55
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Peer Pressure?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:08 AM   #56
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Getting old!!!

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:09 AM   #57
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Exercise

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:11 AM   #58
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Prepairing the will!

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:12 AM   #59
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Bad memory

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:15 AM   #60
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The Key to wrinkles

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out


It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
 

Old 06-20-2008, 08:17 AM   #61
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I like this one.

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
 

Old 06-20-2008, 04:45 PM   #62
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Red face Thought for the day.

> THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
>
> OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
> OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
> Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
> Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
> Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of
> camel ass!!!
 

Old 06-20-2008, 04:57 PM   #63
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Cool

Foxworthy Fathers Day card from middle daughter & family:

If you think mega-bytes is a good day fishin,

You might be a Redneck.
 

Old 06-20-2008, 05:49 PM   #64
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A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''
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Old 06-20-2008, 06:29 PM   #65
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Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertPirate View Post
Foxworthy Fathers Day card from middle daughter & family:

If you think mega-bytes is a good day fishin,

You might be a Redneck.
Quote:
Tarakin A guy burned both of his ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

THANKS GUYS!!! I WAS GETTING A LITTLE LONELY POSTING HERE.
DG
 

Old 06-20-2008, 10:11 PM   #66
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Since we all use computers.

How do you make Windows Vista go faster?



Take whatever it's in and throw it HARDER!!!

 

Old 06-22-2008, 11:09 AM   #67
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Posted without comment

__________________
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Vice President of DirtyKitten Productions, Inc.
My Latest Tripe


See me on MySpace @ http://www.myspace.com/jennywriter

Check out Amicus' Blog at http://amicusfiles.ning.com/profile/JohnCole

Jealousy is pissing on a film that made $1.4 Billion in three weeks.

I'm nothing but a "filthy, black, whore, slut" according to my trolls.

This is a must read! My stomach hurts from laughter, I swear to God. ~ Aurora Black

" knew you could write but now I know that you can WRITE." ~ LadyCibelle



"Hey. I fucked your mother!" ~ Borat
 

Old 06-22-2008, 12:20 PM   #68
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Smile Hi Jenny

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny_Jackson View Post
Posted without comment

You always make me laugh, or at least smile. In my younger days, I would probably have tried it.
DG
 

Old 06-23-2008, 06:16 PM   #69
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Smile Temtation

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
 

Old 06-23-2008, 06:34 PM   #70
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Sperm Test

It's an old one but still makes me smile.
DG


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count
as part of his physical exam

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand,
but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked
my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
 

Old 06-23-2008, 06:47 PM   #71
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A new addition was being built onto the Convent. Workmen were everywhere as the nuns went about their duties.

The construction supervisor was asked if he could meet with the Mother Superior. He agreed and went to her office.

The usual pleasantries were exchanged, then she said, "Could you speak to your men about their language? Many of the sisters are scandalized by their use of profanity."

"I'll see what I can do, but these men are hardworking and pretty rough. They call a spade a spade."

"No, they call it a motherfuckin' shovel."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 06-23-2008, 06:55 PM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
A new addition was being built onto the Convent. Workmen were everywhere as the nuns went about their duties.

The construction supervisor was asked if he could meet with the Mother Superior. He agreed and went to her office.

The usual pleasantries were exchanged, then she said, "Could you speak to your men about their language? Many of the sisters are scandalized by their use of profanity."

"I'll see what I can do, but these men are hardworking and pretty rough. They call a spade a spade."

"No, they call it a motherfuckin' shovel."
BWAH HA HAAA.
 

Old 06-23-2008, 08:12 PM   #73
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
A new addition was being built onto the Convent. Workmen were everywhere as the nuns went about their duties.

The construction supervisor was asked if he could meet with the Mother Superior. He agreed and went to her office.

The usual pleasantries were exchanged, then she said, "Could you speak to your men about their language? Many of the sisters are scandalized by their use of profanity."

"I'll see what I can do, but these men are hardworking and pretty rough. They call a spade a spade."

"No, they call it a motherfuckin' shovel."
Hey! I worked on that crew!
 

Old 06-23-2008, 09:01 PM   #74
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Two girlfriends meet in the mall, both wearing skin tight jeans.

"How do you like your jeans Sally? You look hot."

"So do you Becky. But are you having the same problem I am?"

"Umm...I dunno. What problem is that?"

"Every time I fart, I blow my high heels off."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 06-23-2008, 09:23 PM   #75
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Just a comment

Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
Two girlfriends meet in the mall, both wearing skin tight jeans.

"How do you like your jeans Sally? You look hot."

"So do you Becky. But are you having the same problem I am?"

"Umm...I dunno. What problem is that?"

"Every time I fart, I blow my high heels off."
I'm picturing her wearing pantyhose. haha
DG
 
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