Old 09-22-2011, 12:59 AM   #7251
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This one wasn't a joke (it was in the Playboy Advisor), but it Cracked. Me. Up.

My wife asked me to name something on my bucket list. I said I'd like to take a cruise. She said she wanted a gang bang. I have never been concerned about her cheating, but now I'm not so sure. Is it normal for a woman to want a gang bang?

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Old 09-22-2011, 01:08 PM   #7252
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How bacon cheeseburgers are made.

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Old 09-22-2011, 01:56 PM   #7253
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Q. What has four legs, is brown, green and fuzzy, and would probably kill you if it fell from a tree?

A. A pool table.
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

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Old 09-22-2011, 03:44 PM   #7254
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He met her in a bar, and they seemed to hit it off. So he took her to his apartment for a little action.

When he took off his shoes and socks, she couldn't help but notice that his toes were scarred and bent into strange attitudes.

"What's wrong with your toes?" she asked.

"Oh," he replied, "I had toe-lio when I was a boy."

"Don't you mean 'polio'?" she asked.

"No, toe-lio. It's a disease that affects only the toes. It leaves them the way you see mine."

They continued to undress. When he'd removed his trousers, she saw that his knees were severely deformed.

"What about your knees?" she asked. "I thought you said that toe-lio affects only the toes."

"I did say that. But I also had knee-sles when I was little."

"Knee-sles? I suppose that's a disease that affects only the knees..."

"That's right," he said as he took off his shorts.

"And I see," she said, with a definite air of disappointment, "that you also had small cox."
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Old 09-23-2011, 11:50 AM   #7255
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Spelunking

I was leading a tour through Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico when a woman asked, "How many miles of undiscovered passageways are there in this cave?"


With a party going full bore in the apartment above his, my friend could forget about getting any sleep. The next day, he spotted the offending party giver.

"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?" he asked.

The woman smiled pleasantly. "That's okay. We were making a lot of noise ourselves."
 

Old 09-23-2011, 03:28 PM   #7256
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Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether
or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old
girlfriends.
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"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
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Old 09-23-2011, 03:30 PM   #7257
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An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for two days then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 2˝ kilograms.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 25 kilograms!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded.

'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat third day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the bloody skippin'.

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Old 09-24-2011, 06:53 PM   #7258
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Passing the Test

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"



A Tad Late

A tour bus stops in Runnymede, England, and the guide says it was here that the Magna Carta was signed.

"When did they sign it?" one passenger asks.

"1215," the guide responds.

"Dang! We missed it by 20 minutes."
 

Old 09-25-2011, 11:36 PM   #7259
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Good for Ants

A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?"

"No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"


When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
 

Old 09-26-2011, 07:58 PM   #7260
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A man walked out in to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got in and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fcukin' widow."
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Old 09-27-2011, 11:33 PM   #7261
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Recieved this through an e-mail!

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a Massachusetts state trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies
- two in the front seat and three in the back,
wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.
What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 24 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer.
We just got off Route 128."
 

Old 09-28-2011, 05:36 AM   #7262
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then the fight started.....

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should
get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there
is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing
in that?"

And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...
________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........
_______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.
 

Old 09-28-2011, 09:56 AM   #7263
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This joke is as old as Methusala

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve, and a 16 and a
half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 10 "

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...
size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ahh ha! I've got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years
old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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Old 09-29-2011, 03:32 AM   #7264
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Here My Stories

The Horny Springs Saga continues.

My New Best Friend, for our VE's


Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.
 

Old 09-29-2011, 03:46 AM   #7265
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I love this one

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know. Take it out on someone you don't know, but who you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying Hello..

I politely said, 'This is Rick. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear, "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe anyone could be so rude!

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number (to call her), I found I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop (because he might be able to identify me). So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program."

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a For Sale sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is." He said,
I then asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front."

He said his name was Don Hansen and he was home every evening after five.

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up & added his number to my speed dial.

Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea! I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
"Yeah!"
He screamed, "Stop calling me!"
"Make me."
He asked, "Who are you?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"

I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax, a yellow ranch style home, and I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2. He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole." He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." I said, "You'll what?" He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down on Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter, and surrounded by a news crew!

NOW I feel much better!

Anger management really does work.
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Old 09-29-2011, 09:56 AM   #7266
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Employee Notice

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives ( E V I L )

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off
 

Old 09-29-2011, 10:04 AM   #7267
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I was in the supermarket the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me a couple of minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Old 09-29-2011, 11:06 AM   #7268
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I'm not sure if this is a real joke, but. . .

Tips on how guys can get more out of their dates:

1. When she asks how she looks shrug and say, "Could be better." This will
keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (Or
if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. This
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls are
like dogs. They love to be roughed up

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If she is,
say "you better be" , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will show
her you care

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her
fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement. And every
girl needs some improvement

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because jewelry
is for pussies, asian ladies, and black women.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is,
stare into her eyes mouth the words "F@%k you" and grab the other girls ass.
Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks
it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard. When
she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really
going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she starts crying and
asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly
into her ear "...because i can

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those special
nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD

11. Warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then
you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say, "If you don't stop
bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black
eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party
is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet. Kick
the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't girls

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR!
Repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important
things, like video games

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit

16. If you care about her never ever tell her. This will only give her self
confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she deep down
desires to be. Never call her, or return her calls either.

17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair.
This way she'll go crazy

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say
no shes not hungry. Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for
her

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Girls love a
spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on
it, but not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about

21. When its raining keep asking her if she's crying. She'll say no its just
the rain. Ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop
crying you @..%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as I've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them

23. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. This
way she'll think you're mysterious

24. Remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material
objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps
you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present she can ever get

25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when
ever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know she's
coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have the present
visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't like this one that
much but I think it's funny.
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:56 PM   #7269
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:42 PM   #7270
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50 PLUS

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+-year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: Why should 50+-year-old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+-year-olds to have problems with short-term Memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not the problem. Retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+-year-olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+-year-olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
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Old 09-30-2011, 07:50 PM   #7271
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so a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"

and the horse is all "I'm an alcoholic."

and the bartender goes "AAAHHHH A TALKING HORSE!"

and the horse is all "AAAAAHHH!!! Where's my drink?"
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Old 10-01-2011, 06:07 PM   #7272
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Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while. So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from the big City to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other, for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:

'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel…………….
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Old 10-03-2011, 11:34 PM   #7273
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Time Difference

Try as I might, I just couldn't get in sync with my insurance customer. When I asked if he lived in the Eastern or Central time zone, he answered, "We're normal time." Not sure what that meant, I continued. "Let me put it this way: Is it 10:45 where you are?"

"No," he said. "It's 10:46."


Anyone traveling on business for our company must fill out an expense report. A field on the form asks for "name on credit card." One Einstein entered "MasterCard."


Football finally makes sense. A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"
 

Old 10-04-2011, 12:08 AM   #7274
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Bear Warning

Thanks to JackLuis' thread "Bear runs into Pensylvania home" in this AH forum, we have the link Bear runs into....

The bear in this story was a black bear, there being no grizzly bears in Pennsylvania.

But it does remind me of sign, warning of both kinds of bears, posted somewhere in British Columbia. You can find a photo of the sign at Grizzly Warning Sign.

To save you a click, here is the text of that sign:

Quote:
Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any bears that might be close by so you don’t take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry “Pepper Spray” with him in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. Black bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.
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Old 10-04-2011, 12:11 AM   #7275
TE999
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A mortician is embalming the body of Benny Schwartz when he sees that the man was hung like a Shetland Pony. 'I can't let this be buried with this guy' he thinks, so he cuts it off and puts it in a box to show his wife.

When he gets home and shows it to her she screams "Oh no, Benny's dead!"
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

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