Old 08-29-2011, 07:59 AM   #7176
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En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean—you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

 

Old 08-29-2011, 07:49 PM   #7177
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A woman commissions an artist to paint her portrait. She puts on a new, stylish dress, has her hair done and her makeup is perfect. She sits before him to pose and says:

"I want you to paint me wearing a diamond necklace, diamond earrings, an emerald tennis bracelet and a ruby ring."

"Of course," says the artist, "But why do you want to be shown like that?"

"If I die first, I know my husband will marry one of those girlfriends of his and I want her to go nuts looking for my jewelry."
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"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 08-31-2011, 03:47 AM   #7178
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Picture removed for ease of reading.
Sorry, I thought it would be smaller.
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Fiction writers are just liars with typing skills.

Last edited by JackLuis : 09-03-2011 at 01:54 AM.
 

Old 08-31-2011, 09:21 AM   #7179
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Stolen from the interwebz:

If you don't think grammar is important, consider the lifesaving power of commas: 'Lets eat, grandma' sure beats 'Let's eat grandma.'
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Old 08-31-2011, 03:31 PM   #7180
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SWFL_Wordslinger View Post
Stolen from the interwebz:

If you don't think grammar is important, consider the lifesaving power of commas: 'Lets eat, grandma' sure beats 'Let's eat grandma.'
And the lifesaving power of capital letters. Would you rather be told to "Help your Uncle Jack off a horse," or to "Help your uncle jack off a horse"?
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Old 09-02-2011, 03:23 AM   #7181
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Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone. "Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean—you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

En route to... wasting more time on LIT,... I wanted to thank you guys for your humor thread. Sorry I don't have any jokes to add, but I like reading many of the ones on here.
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Old 09-02-2011, 07:48 AM   #7182
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Quote:
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I wanted to thank you guys for your humor thread. Sorry I don't have any jokes to add, but I like reading many of the ones on here.
Always nice to have readers too. Welcome aboard.
DG


Topless Bar

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised.

"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
 

Old 09-02-2011, 07:50 AM   #7183
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Unfamiliar

Today, while playing "20 Questions" with my friend, I asked, "Monsters or aliens?" She gave it some thought, then responded, "Well, I've never actually met a monster, so I'm going to have to go with aliens."
 

Old 09-02-2011, 06:24 PM   #7184
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Old Is When:

Old Is When: ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

Old Is When: ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

Old Is When: ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

Old Is When: ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Old Is When: ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

Old Is When: ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.

Old Is When: ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today

Old Is When: ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

Old Is When: ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 09-02-2011, 06:37 PM   #7185
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Old Is When:

Old Is When: ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and
you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

Old Is When: ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

Old Is When: ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens
the garage door.

Old Is When: ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

Old Is When: ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you
don't have to go along.

Old Is When: ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by
the police.

Old Is When: ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any
fiber today

Old Is When: ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.

Old Is When: ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
The garage door made me LOL. Thanks, HP!
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Old 09-02-2011, 11:19 PM   #7186
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A beautiful fairy appears to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona day labor office.

"Good man, I have been sent by President Obama to grant you three wishes now that you've arrived in the U.S. with your pregnant wife and eight children."

"That's wonderful," cries the man. "I'm missing most of my teeth, so I want new ones, with gold inlays."

Poof! He has a mouth full of new teeth.

"Now I want a big house with enough room for my brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins who will be coming to live with me."

Poof! A huge house with eight bedrooms and bathrooms appears in the distance on a beautiful landscaped lot.

"That's two," says the fairy. "What's number three?"

"I want clothes like an American. I want a ball cap, not a sombrero. I want a baseball jacket, not this serape. I want basketball shoes, not these sandals. I want blue jeans, not these raggedy pants. And I want to be a white American ..."

Poof! The man is standing there in a ball cap, jacket, basketball shoes and blue jeans. His teeth are gone and the big house has disappeared.

"Oh, no," he cries. "Where are my teeth and my house?"

"Tough shit, amigo," says the fairy. "Now that you're a white American you have to fend for yourself."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 09-03-2011, 01:37 AM   #7187
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Old Is When:

Old Is When: ...
Q: What do old women have between their boobs that young women don't?

A: A belly button.
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Old 09-03-2011, 08:15 AM   #7188
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I'm happy to see more readers and posters on the Humor thread.
Thank you
DG
 

Old 09-03-2011, 07:35 PM   #7189
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Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers.
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Old 09-04-2011, 04:54 AM   #7190
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A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest. These are quotes from managers out there:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Charles Hurst at Sun Microsystems.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.
It should be used only to be used for company business.

Turnover is good for the company, as it proves that we are doing a good job in training people.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks...
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
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" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 09-04-2011, 01:59 PM   #7191
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More Dummies

Nearly There

Driving in Ohio, we spotted a sign that said "Wildlife Refuge." Seeing a dead deer lying in front of it, my husband shook his head.

"He almost made it."



Criminal Law

A man is on trial for armed robbery. The jury comes back with the verdict. The foreman stands, clears his throat, and announces, "Not guilty."

The defendant leaps to his feet. "Awesome!" he shouts. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?"



The Fringe Benefits

After I applied for jobs at both a library and a shoe store, my husband said he hoped that I'd get the one at the store. "It would be nice to have employee discounts on shoes," he explained. Then, without thinking, he added, "Of course, if you get the job at the library, we'll get free books."
 

Old 09-05-2011, 09:02 AM   #7192
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The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you
at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

 

Old 09-05-2011, 10:06 AM   #7193
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you
at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.



Thank you, DG.
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Old 09-05-2011, 11:05 AM   #7194
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Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and Protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their Companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close Relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
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Old 09-05-2011, 11:37 AM   #7195
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Fable of the Porcupine

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and Protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their Companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close Relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

I love the moral, HP.
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Old 09-06-2011, 11:01 PM   #7196
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Spelunking

I was leading a tour through Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico when a woman asked, "How many miles of undiscovered passageways are there in this cave?"


With a party going full bore in the apartment above his, my friend could forget about getting any sleep. The next day, he spotted the offending party giver.

"Didn't you hear me pounding on the ceiling?" he asked.

The woman smiled pleasantly. "That's okay. We were making a lot of noise ourselves."
 

Old 09-07-2011, 05:44 PM   #7197
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My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "F**k it, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

__________________
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 09-07-2011, 05:46 PM   #7198
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "F**k it, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.



----
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"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
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There is no limitation to my imagination.
 

Old 09-08-2011, 05:10 AM   #7199
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "F**k it, I'll treat her."

So we walked past it again.

This place is incredible!... that's why I keep coming back.
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Old 09-08-2011, 08:05 AM   #7200
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Honesty


During a job interview at my granddaughter’s pharmacy, an applicant was asked, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony?"

"No," he answered. "My hearing is scheduled for next week."



A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
 
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