Old 08-09-2011, 07:28 AM   #7101
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Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs they sometimes put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys & Gulls, Laddies & Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband,

Dave, wandered off in search of the men's room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled "Bronco" and the other was designated "Cactus." Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"

"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked Men. "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
 

Old 08-09-2011, 12:10 PM   #7102
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Originally Posted by john-the-author View Post
I heard this one at the conference I was at this last weekend. Now, I cannot overemphasize that this is truly, totally, amazingly ghastly.

One of the most amazingly bad jokes I've ever told.

If you think you can be offended at all (not grossed out, but offended), leave this place immediately.

Do not read further! I don't want you to complain you didn't get enough warning.

Okay?

You HAVE been warned.

Scroll down....





















A little old Jewish woman, just this side of 100, wins the New York State lottery, to the tune of $100 million. She's featured in the Daily News, the wire services pick it up, it's a great goodwill story. She shows up at shul that Friday night and when she walks in, the congregation stands up and applauds. She smiles and sits down.

The rabbi says "You know, before we begin, I was wondering if Mrs. Salzman wanted to say a few words." With cries of "Speech, speech!" she gets up in front of the congregation and she says "Thank you, everyone. I'm very thankful to have received this."

Someone from the congregation calls out "What are you going to do with the money?"

She says, "Well, I'm an old woman and I really don't need much for myself, so I thought I'd give $10 million to the synagogue for its building fund and maintenance program." Oh, the audience goes wild with their applause and cheers. What a wonderful gift! When the applause dies down, someone says "Mrs. Salzman, what about the remaining $90 million?"

She says, "Well, I really don't need much for myself and I was thinking that I'd like to give the rabbi $10 million of his own to continue his good works in the community. He's a very wise man and I've always trusted his judgement; I think he could make good use of the money in helping people effectively."

If the crowd went wild before, they're ready to eat a bleacher in their excitement now. Such an incredibly generous woman and such a selfless gift!!! The rabbi is wiping away tears and there are whistles and stomps.

Finally, the noise dies down a bit and someone says "That's $80 million left. What else do you want to do with the money?"

"Well," Mrs. Salzman continues, "I don't have much familiy left, but I think I'm going to give them $10 million to take care of medical expenses, maybe move them out of the city if that's what they'd like, and generally make the rest of their days smooth and easy." Still more applause from the congregation. Without being prompted, Mrs. Salzman says "And I'm an old woman and I really don't need a lot of money for myself, so I figured I'd just keep a million dollars for my own and then give the rest of the money to the German government."

And there is a sudden dead silence.

For almost two minutes.

Nobody knows what to say, although there is a little confused muttering.

Finally, the rabbi clears his throat and says "Uh, Mrs. Salzman, I feel obliged to point out that the German government was responsible for the greatest atrocity in human history and it was against our people. You were there in the camps yourself: you lost your husband, your daughters were raped to death, and all but one of your sons were sent off to work in the mines until they died. Why would you ever think of giving them a dime, let alone $69 million?"

Mrs. Salzman rolls up her sleeve and points to her tattoo and says "Well, what numbers do you think I played?"



It's a great joke...but one must know the crowd
 

Old 08-09-2011, 07:49 PM   #7103
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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND:

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Keith. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too..

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Keith

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Keith died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police
report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha
Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip
showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife, Julie, was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Keith, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
_
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
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"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

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Old 08-09-2011, 09:28 PM   #7104
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Unhappy If only...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Keith, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
If only we hadn't given them the vote. Then they wouldn't be able to sit on juries.

--CarlusMagnus
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Old 08-09-2011, 11:50 PM   #7105
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I was walking in the woods today when suddenly a beautiful blue fairy appeared and said she could grant me one wish.

I said "I want to live forever."

"I'm sorry," the fairy replied, "I can't grant a wish like that, it's against the rules."

"Very well," I said, "Then I wish I could live until Congress gets it's collective head out of it's collective ass."

"You're a crafty little bastard," the fairy replied with a smile.
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

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Old 08-10-2011, 02:39 AM   #7106
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
I was walking in the woods today when suddenly a beautiful blue fairy appeared and said she could grant me one wish.

I said "I want to live forever."

"I'm sorry," the fairy replied, "I can't grant a wish like that, it's against the rules."

"Very well," I said, "Then I wish I could live until Congress gets it's collective head out of it's collective ass."

"You're a crafty little bastard," the fairy replied with a smile.
That made my day
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Old 08-10-2011, 07:32 AM   #7107
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Strange Answers From Real Students

1. The future of "I give" is "I take."

2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

4. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

6. Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

7. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

8. The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

9. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

10. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

11. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

12. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

13. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

14. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

15. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

16. One by -product of raising cattle is calves.

17. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

18. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

19. The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

20. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings

21. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

22. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

23. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

24. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

25. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

26. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 08-10-2011, 07:49 AM   #7108
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Strange Answers From Real Students

1. The future of "I give" is "I take."

2. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

3. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

4. A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

5. Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

6. Define H2O and CO2. H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

7. A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

8. The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

9. A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

10. Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

11. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

12. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

13. We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

14. One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

15. A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

16. One by -product of raising cattle is calves.

17. To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

18. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

19. The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

20. Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings

21. The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

22. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

23. The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

24. In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

25. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

26. In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

27. A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

__________________
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"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
SHANIA TWAIN.

There is no limitation to my imagination.
 

Old 08-10-2011, 01:32 PM   #7109
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Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honourable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 08-10-2011, 06:55 PM   #7110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Handley_Page View Post
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is a very honourable profession," said the pastor. Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."
Oh, that's something my grandma would do lol
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Old 08-11-2011, 08:10 AM   #7111
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Last Day on the Job

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
 

Old 08-11-2011, 10:44 AM   #7112
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There he was sitting at the bar; the man, staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs the drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as he burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," Said the man, "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"
.
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259

Last edited by Handley_Page : 08-11-2011 at 10:50 AM.
 

Old 08-11-2011, 10:51 AM   #7113
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good one, HP. Thanks.
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Link to my stories...

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Old 08-11-2011, 08:34 PM   #7114
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Got to love the creativity of small business owners


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.."
******** ******************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
 

Old 08-12-2011, 04:51 PM   #7115
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God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

Then God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

Then God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

Thereafter God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family.. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren.. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
__________________
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If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Handley Page

"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 08-13-2011, 09:30 AM   #7116
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Cash For Clunkers

Seen on a Laundromat bulletin board: "For Sale—Car. Must be towed. Gets great gas mileage."



Funny Misprints

Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts:

"The patient is married but sexually active."

"When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side."

"She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers."

"The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by his bicycle."

"Her father died from a heart attack at age 12."
 

Old 08-13-2011, 03:41 PM   #7117
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Who's your baby's Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for
listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS
 

Old 08-13-2011, 05:11 PM   #7118
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Who's your baby's Daddy?

The following are all replies that Detroit women have
written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for
listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...
Who's your baby's Daddy?
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.


1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2... I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night.. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up).

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue..

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.


11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1).

WHEN THE WEALTH IS REDISTRIBUTED THESE PEOPLE WILL BE THE MAJOR RECIPIENTS

Thank you for the laugh, DG.
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"Can I buy you a round?"

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There is no limitation to my imagination.
 

Old 08-14-2011, 09:54 PM   #7119
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Snake 1:

Are we poisonous?

Snake 2:

I don’t know. Why?

Snake 1:

I just bit my lip.
 

Old 08-15-2011, 09:25 PM   #7120
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A Desert Love Story

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on...... .

You ready for this?????







'Humphrey'!

Oh, quit your whining. It's a cute story
 

Old 08-16-2011, 12:21 PM   #7121
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Sandra nervously asked her doctor to perform an unusual operation, the
removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this
happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began, "my boyfriend likes to eat by
candlelight."
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 08-17-2011, 03:50 PM   #7122
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Beyond Our Power

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.

"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"



Talk Like a Pirate

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
 

Old 08-18-2011, 04:06 AM   #7123
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
A Desert Love Story

Once upon a time there was a very handsome male camel with two huge camel humps.

He fell in love and married a beautiful female camel who had one perfect camel hump.

As time progressed, they became the proud parents of a wonderful baby camel who had no humps.

They contemplated long and hard on what to call their beautiful little boy.
They finally decided on...... .

You ready for this?????







'Humphrey'!

Oh, quit your whining. It's a cute story

Very cute! Little Humphrey.
__________________
"Mind if I sit down?"

"Can I buy you a round?"

"Haven't seen your face before, are you new in town?"
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There is no limitation to my imagination.
 

Old 08-18-2011, 10:43 PM   #7124
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Looking for the Problem

As we pulled into the parking lot, we saw a couple of people looking under the hood of their car. Concerned, Mom wondered aloud, "Do you think they have a flat tire?"



In the Walls

While attending an open house, my wife was taken with the home’s modern features, especially the central vacuum system installed within the walls. But she had a practical question: "What do you do when all the walls fill up?"
 

Old 08-19-2011, 02:03 PM   #7125
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Earl and Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News newspaper in Starkville, Mississippi, and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Earl and Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Cain't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Leroy said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Earl said, "We shor can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Earl and Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"Gol dern, didn't anyone complain?"

Earl said, "Well,the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Earl and Leroy now work for the gub'ment.

They're overseein' the Debt Ceiling Program.


There should be a new rule: Limit all U.S. politicians to two terms:

One in office

One in prison.

Illinois already does this.
 
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