Old 05-08-2010, 05:00 PM   #5876
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An Oldie but still cute.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
 

Old 05-08-2010, 09:11 PM   #5877
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Wisdom Of A Retiree:

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're
retired?' Well…I'm fortunate to have a chemistry degree, and one of
the things I enjoy most is turning beer, Wine, Scotch, and Margaritas
into urine.

And I'm pretty darn good at it too.
 

Old 05-08-2010, 09:13 PM   #5878
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An Oldie that was sent to me. Makes me smile.
DG

> WHEN TO START CUSSING!

> A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
> The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time
> we started cussing."
>
> The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
> The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for break-
> fast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something
> with ass."
>
> The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
>
> When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
> wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
> some Cheerios."
>
> WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen
> floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his
> mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom
> locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
>
> She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
> a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
>
> "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
> Cheerios!"
>
 

Old 05-08-2010, 09:50 PM   #5879
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Who's worst in bed?

An elderly retired couple were driving down the East coast, when they stopped in Georgia for a fuel stop. The elderly woman was very hard of hearing, and usually asked her husband to repeat everything.

An elderly station attendent came to the car and started filling the fuel tank. Making idle talk, he asked if the man liked the weather, to which the man replied, "Very much."

"What'd he say?" asked the woman.

"He asked if I like the weather, and I told him 'yes'," replied her husband.

"Where are you-all headed," asked the attendant.

"Oh, we're going to Jacksonville," he repied.

"What'd he say?", asked the woman.

"He asked where we're going, and I told him to Jacksonville", the husband replied.

"Where are y'all from," inquired the attendant a few moments later.

"Oh, we're from Maine," the man replied.

"Ah, I was in Maine for two years while I was in the Air Force, replied the attendant. In fact, I dated a girl from Maine while I was there. It didn't last long though. I have to tell you, this girl was the worst in bed of any girl I ever knew."

"What'd he say?" inquired the woman.

"He said he thinks he knows you," replied her husband.
 

Old 05-08-2010, 09:53 PM   #5880
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IRISH VIRGINITY TEST KIT

Paddy is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he
Could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what
we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit. You need to buy
A small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding
night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see",
you hit her with the shovel.
 

Old 05-09-2010, 08:29 AM   #5881
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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?"

The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
 

Old 05-09-2010, 08:31 AM   #5882
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Kiss Me, Doctor!

A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"

The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."

About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"

Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."

Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"

"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you right now."
 

Old 05-09-2010, 01:58 PM   #5883
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Random Nonsense!

** Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

** I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

** When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

** I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

** I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

** After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

** I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

** "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

** Give your son a hint. On his room door put this sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

** "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

** How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

** Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

** Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

** Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

** I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

** Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
 

Old 05-09-2010, 02:53 PM   #5884
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A little girl about four, went to the barber with her Daddy. As the barber cut her Daddy's hair she stood next to the chair watching and eating a cup cake.
The barber looks down and said, "You're going to get hair on your Twinkie."

She looked up smiling and said, "I know and I'm going to get boobies too
 

Old 05-09-2010, 07:18 PM   #5885
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The Last Nickel

A young father walks into a restaurant with his five year old son..
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, immediately going blue in the face.
The father immediately realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels
and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a dark blue
business suit is sitting at the counter reading her newspaper and sipping
on a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and
then ever so firmly..

After a few seconds of this, the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the counter without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never
seen anyone do anything like that before, you were simply fantastic !"
"Are you a doctor ? "

''No,'' the woman replied. " I'm with the Internal Revenue Service .''
 

Old 05-09-2010, 07:45 PM   #5886
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Railroad tracks.


Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them inEngland, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United Statesstandard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The

engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and



CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
JUST LOOK AT OUR GOVERNMENT-- Any other questions ??
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 05-09-2010, 09:05 PM   #5887
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Who Says We're Not Rich!


Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth
 

Old 05-09-2010, 10:16 PM   #5888
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President Obama was discussing the state of affairs in Afghanistan with General McChrystal.

The conversation regarding troop increases and other matters were not going the way the general wanted and he was becoming annoyed.

Obama sensed this and quipped "I bet when I die you'll piss on my grave."

"No sir," the general replied. "I swore when I retired from the Army I'd never stand in a long line again."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 05-10-2010, 05:43 AM   #5889
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
An Oldie but still cute.

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
I think you missed a bit:
Her case is up next week.
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 05-10-2010, 02:12 PM   #5890
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Mother's Day Forecast!



 

Old 05-10-2010, 06:33 PM   #5891
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When the Software industry had badly gone down hill, three software giants, Sun, SCO(UNIX), and Microsoft started producing condoms and named them Java-condom, CondomiX, and MS-Condoms Vista respectively.

A customer using Java-condom complained to Sun that the condom didn't fit correctly. Sun replied: "Wait till we get the ISO standard." They boasted that it would fit any size irrespective of the underlying structure.

Well, the customer switched to CondomiX and found that by the time he would finish reading the instructions given along with it, his wife would fall asleep, and he himself would forget why he was using CondomiX.

Finally, he switched to MS-Condoms Vista. To his surprise it was so good..... and comfortable! He used it happily. Six months later, he found that his wife was pregnant.

He got angry and complained to Microsoft. He got the following reply from Microsoft:

A PATCH IS COMING SOON!
__________________
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"Incident at Cemetery Junction"
"Pest Control"
"Mavis's Car Trip"
"Norman-the-dragon "
"Stacy & the Angel "
" Earth Tremor on Stage ? "
" Charlie's Story "
http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...php?uid=883259
 

Old 05-11-2010, 07:23 PM   #5892
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If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview
to become spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington , DC .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"That lowdown scoundrel
deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"I love California .
I practically grew up in Phoenix ."
-- Dan Quayle
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves:
How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away.
May God bless you.
You may reapply if there is a change
in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services,
Greenville , South Carolina
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug
this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 

Old 05-11-2010, 07:38 PM   #5893
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I think this has been posted before, but what the heck.
---------------------------------------------------

A man applies for a government job and is being interviewed by his potential supervisor:

"You seem to have all the qualifications we're looking for Mr. Jones. I see you're a disabled veteran."

"Yes, I was wounded in Afghanistan."

"Oh, that's awful. What happened?"

"My squad was ambushed and my testicles were shot off."

"That's terrible. My sympathies."

"Thanks, I'm ok now."

"I'm pleased to say you've got the job. You start Monday morning. The hours are from eight AM to 5 PM. but you needn't arrive until around ten AM."

"Why is that?"

"This being a government job we stand around scratching our balls for an hour or two and there's no reason for you to come in for that."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 05-11-2010, 08:26 PM   #5894
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zeb_Carter View Post
Oxymorons

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
ah, nothing like the useless imponderables in life to occupy the mind during a power outage. :P

here's another one: why are they called "apartments" when they're all stuck together?
 

Old 05-11-2010, 09:38 PM   #5895
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Another oldie but Goodie
DG

Just Like Dave

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."
 

Old 05-12-2010, 07:08 PM   #5896
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He once challenged his reflection to a staring contest.
On the fourth day he won.

The most interesting man in the world!

I love those Dos Equis beer commercials.
 

Old 05-12-2010, 10:04 PM   #5897
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Bus For Alaska

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
 

Old 05-12-2010, 10:06 PM   #5898
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This one is kind of bad.
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Baby Delivery

A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."
"Once is all it takes" he replied.


Then the torso came out and it was yellow.
"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.
When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.
"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."
"Once is all it takes," he said.

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"
 

Old 05-13-2010, 07:59 PM   #5899
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Sent to me by a friend.
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Politically very incorrect, but ......................


Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".


------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"


"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo-------- --------- ------------

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
 

Old 05-13-2010, 08:01 PM   #5900
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This one was forwarded also.
DG



THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection.well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts - they are smaller than they once were.


 
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