Old 07-24-2008, 11:50 PM   #326
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started... .

Oh! Sonofabitch and damn me for it but I am laughing my ass off!!!!

 

Old 07-24-2008, 11:56 PM   #327
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Two elderly women, Mildred and Agnes, were out driving in a large car. Both women could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but Mildred, who was driving, just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat, Agnes, thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light!"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was again red and again Mildred went right though. This time Agnes was almost sure that the light had been red. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and again Mildred went right on through. Agnes turned to her and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh shit, am I driving?"
 

Old 07-25-2008, 12:02 AM   #328
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,071
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetsubsarahh View Post
Two elderly women, Mildred and Agnes, were out driving in a large car. Both women could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but Mildred, who was driving, just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat, Agnes, thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light!"

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was again red and again Mildred went right though. This time Agnes was almost sure that the light had been red. She was was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and again Mildred went right on through. Agnes turned to her and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!

Mildred turned to her and said "Oh shit, am I driving?"
BWAHAHAHA!

I see that all the time here.
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-25-2008, 12:10 AM   #329
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,071
A husband, thinking he was being clever, said to his wife,"You should wash your panties in Slim-Fast. Maybe it'll take a few inches off your butt."

The wife smiles and says nothing.

The next morning, the husband takes a pair of boxers from his drawer and a cloud of dust rises.

"Susan, did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

"Nope, that's Miracle-Gro."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-25-2008, 12:23 AM   #330
CrimsonMaiden
Pretty in Pink
 
CrimsonMaiden's Avatar
 
CrimsonMaiden is offline
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: in the South
Posts: 13,481
Those last two jokes were hilarious!
__________________
My Kindle Store
 

Old 07-25-2008, 12:32 AM   #331
kimbalee
floral nymph
 
kimbalee's Avatar
 
kimbalee is offline
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: warm and naked under the covers with hubby
Posts: 37,086
Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
A husband, thinking he was being clever, said to his wife,"You should wash your panties in Slim-Fast. Maybe it'll take a few inches off your butt."

The wife smiles and says nothing.

The next morning, the husband takes a pair of boxers from his drawer and a cloud of dust rises.

"Susan, did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

"Nope, that's Miracle-Gro."
HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Love that one! LMAO
__________________
My Humble Little Story Page


"just freaking adorkable." Salvor-Hardon
((You're adopted)) 9-13-08.
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."
"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12

missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 07-25-2008, 01:02 AM   #332
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
TE999's Avatar
 
TE999 is offline
Join Date: May 2006
Location: www.blindate.com
Posts: 30,071
A cop sees a naked blonde walking down the street and says to her, "Miss, you can't walk around like that. Why are you naked?"

"Well, I was at a party at my girlfriends house, there were ten of us, some handsome men showed up and my friend says 'Everyone in the bedroom', so we go in and she says 'Get naked' so we all do, then she says 'Let's go to town'.

I guess I'm the first one here."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-25-2008, 08:27 AM   #333
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
DesertPirate's Avatar
 
DesertPirate is offline
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NC
Posts: 20,430
Cool

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
---------------
1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
---------------
1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Tran-substantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
---------------
1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or
on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, I have to work in the morning.
 

Old 07-25-2008, 02:46 PM   #334
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
Haha

Good one DP. Question everyone or anyone. I have some cool wmv files that I use windows media player to watch. How do I post it to the thread so the readers can see them? I receive them as attachments in my e-mail.
Is it even possible to post them? They arn't links or url's but attachments.
Thanks again
DG
 

Old 07-26-2008, 09:05 AM   #335
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
Talking Clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"
 

Old 07-26-2008, 12:25 PM   #336
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
If you want...

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers
...then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ...
...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
...then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
...then buy a dog

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't
care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts
as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and
loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..
...then buy a dog.


BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will
never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over
you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat
and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely
to ensure his happiness . . . .



...then buy a cat!

Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't you?
 

Old 07-26-2008, 01:16 PM   #337
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good,

But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.


1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.


3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.


4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.


5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!


6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.


7. When you are sick --Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.


8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off.


9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!


Friendship is like peeing your pants,

Everyone can see it,

But only you can feel the true warmth
 

Old 07-26-2008, 09:32 PM   #338
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
a THREE-SOME

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I ever had a 'Sportsman's Double.' 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. 'Oh.' I said, as my mind began to embrace the idea, 'No, I haven't,' as I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like.

We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake ?
 

Old 07-28-2008, 11:56 AM   #339
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
To RedPaint!

Here I am. No, ones posted anything for a day and I was on the second page. Post here if you like.
Thanks!!!
DG Hear
 

Old 07-28-2008, 12:42 PM   #340
Tarakin
Invisible but stylish
 
Tarakin's Avatar
 
Tarakin is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Germany
Posts: 8,382
English Signs:

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE , BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
 

Old 07-28-2008, 01:15 PM   #341
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
Tarakin English Signs

Tarakin, Now that was some cute shit. Thanks for posting. Come-on A/H people, surely you know something funny or humorous. I don't care if it's been posted a dozen times, we can always laugh at it again. Please share!
Thanks
DG
 

Old 07-28-2008, 02:22 PM   #342
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
I Knew I had seen this before. Now why could I not find it when I used the search this morning? Must be Monday things.

Jokes a come'n.
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 02:22 PM   #343
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
Wish I could think so quickly. . .


A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in
their seats a woman sitting across the
aisle from him leaned over to him
And asked, " Are all of those kids
Yours?"



He replied, "No. I work for a
Condom company.
These are customer
complaints."
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 03:23 PM   #344
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
 
DG Hear's Avatar
 
DG Hear is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Fantasy Land
Posts: 6,433
HaHa

Thanks for posting, RedPaint, Welcome aboard. Your jokes and humor are most welcome.
DG Hear

Red, I just took this off your Sig. Page, I liked it so I'm posting it here. It made me smile, hope you don't mind.

"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching"

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

Last edited by DG Hear : 07-28-2008 at 03:26 PM. Reason: Added Humor
 

Old 07-28-2008, 03:53 PM   #345
glynndah
Good little witch.
 
glynndah's Avatar
 
glynndah is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Floating around in my sparkly bubble
Posts: 24,860
__________________
"When did I go from the good little witch to the not good enough for you little witch?"
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell."
"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes just a few carefully chosen words can inspire thousands of pictures."
"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
“Technically, a witch is always a lady, except when circumstances dictate otherwise.”

"A from a good witch brings a week of good luck!"

The good little witch writes naughty things.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 03:59 PM   #346
glynndah
Good little witch.
 
glynndah's Avatar
 
glynndah is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Floating around in my sparkly bubble
Posts: 24,860
INTERESTING OBSERVATION




1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:



The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
__________________
"When did I go from the good little witch to the not good enough for you little witch?"
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell."
"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes just a few carefully chosen words can inspire thousands of pictures."
"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
“Technically, a witch is always a lady, except when circumstances dictate otherwise.”

"A from a good witch brings a week of good luck!"

The good little witch writes naughty things.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 04:06 PM   #347
glynndah
Good little witch.
 
glynndah's Avatar
 
glynndah is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Floating around in my sparkly bubble
Posts: 24,860
From a few years ago, but still funny...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking
down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10 Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuing only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the lot:


17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
__________________
"When did I go from the good little witch to the not good enough for you little witch?"
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell."
"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes just a few carefully chosen words can inspire thousands of pictures."
"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
“Technically, a witch is always a lady, except when circumstances dictate otherwise.”

"A from a good witch brings a week of good luck!"

The good little witch writes naughty things.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 04:17 PM   #348
Corylea
Literotica Guru
 
Corylea's Avatar
 
Corylea is offline
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Boston area, USA
Posts: 885
About a year ago, maybe a little more, nearly all of my spam was weight-loss gimmicks. Nowadays, nearly all of my spam is penis-growing gimmicks.

I guess I know where those people from a year ago lost the weight from.
__________________
"The most conventional act of sex is horrific without consent, yet with consent the most horrific acts can be oh so hot…" -- Zille Defeu

My AH Directory profile is here .

Some of my stories can be found here .

I'm Chienne_Folle on FetLife.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 04:25 PM   #349
glynndah
Good little witch.
 
glynndah's Avatar
 
glynndah is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Floating around in my sparkly bubble
Posts: 24,860
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "Once, on a trip
to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers,
who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone,
but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily
tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped
out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of all of you!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."

***

Real Classified Ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake . Call Stephanie.

And the best one:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month.
Wife knows everything

***

I sincerely doubt these were actually written, but I'm sure they were all thought.

These 12 are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.


7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any stupider he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

***

These 16 were taken off actual police car videos around the country: [these are some mighty 'quick witted' cops!]

16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11. 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?'

10. 'Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9. 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'

8. 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7. 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6. 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'

5. 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4. 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3. 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2. 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. It's good to know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

1. 'You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.........Sign here.'

***



Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle...
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.

On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

***

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new young stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster arrogantly struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens.. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster
takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month!

***

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS


A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this
see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like
that! The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rose buds show!' and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother is
sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has
friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose
buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

***
__________________
"When did I go from the good little witch to the not good enough for you little witch?"
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell."
"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes just a few carefully chosen words can inspire thousands of pictures."
"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
“Technically, a witch is always a lady, except when circumstances dictate otherwise.”

"A from a good witch brings a week of good luck!"

The good little witch writes naughty things.
 

Old 07-28-2008, 05:02 PM   #350
redpaint
Literotica Guru
 
redpaint's Avatar
 
redpaint is offline
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Losst in space
Posts: 3,160
Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Thanks for posting, RedPaint, Welcome aboard. Your jokes and humor are most welcome.
DG Hear

Red, I just took this off your Sig. Page, I liked it so I'm posting it here. It made me smile, hope you don't mind.

"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching"

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
Don't mind at all. I wonder if anyone ever read it Thanks for the Welcome.


ouch, as in I was laughing so hard it hurt...

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*#%h is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sl%t Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a%$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
__________________


Don't make me turn the Flying Monkeys Loose.
 
Closed Thread


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:20 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.