Old 07-16-2008, 11:47 PM   #276
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Vengence is mine ...

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
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Old 07-17-2008, 11:19 AM   #277
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Nero you are a bad man!
 

Old 07-17-2008, 11:47 AM   #278
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Sunday Morning Sex

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old Having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
 

Old 07-17-2008, 11:54 AM   #279
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An elderly man goes to the doctor for a physical, his wife is with him.

"Remove your shirt so I can examine you," the doctor says.

"Eh? What's that?

"Take off your shirt" the wife hollers.

The doctor listens to his heart and lungs, checks his eyes and ears, then says "I need you to remove your trousers."

"Eh? What'd he say?"

"Drop your pants," the wife yells.

He does so and the doctor examines his feet and legs.

"Now we'll need to take a sample of your blood, urine and stool."

"Eh? Didn't hear ya."

"Give him your underwear you deaf old coot."
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Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

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"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-17-2008, 10:13 PM   #280
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old Having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'
I'll never be able to look at the ice cream truck in the same way again.
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Old 07-18-2008, 08:49 AM   #281
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You know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

1). California became a state.
2). The state had no electricity.
3). The state had no money.
4). Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5). There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women
didn't have 'augmented' figures and the men didn't hold hands.

----------------

Over 100 years ago, Mark Twain said, "We have the best Congress money
can buy." Has anything changed?
 

Old 07-18-2008, 10:52 AM   #282
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DesertPirate View Post
You know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago?

1). California became a state.
2). The state had no electricity.
3). The state had no money.
4). Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5). There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women
didn't have 'augmented' figures and the men didn't hold hands.

----------------

Over 100 years ago, Mark Twain said, "We have the best Congress money
can buy." Has anything changed?
Snerk! The more things change, the more they stay the same. Nice one DP.
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-18-2008, 03:31 PM   #283
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TE999 View Post
Snerk! The more things change, the more they stay the same. Nice one DP.
I must give credit to the father in law who sent it to me. He lives in CA now and calls it the ceral state: nothing but fruits, nuts, and flakes!
 

Old 07-18-2008, 05:41 PM   #284
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A new study

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat ...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny ...

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.
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Old 07-18-2008, 08:13 PM   #285
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New rules for 2008 by George Carlin.

New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years-because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass and it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport . It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule : and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

People keep sending me his jokes. Thanks again George

Last edited by DG Hear : 07-18-2008 at 08:14 PM. Reason: spelling
 

Old 07-19-2008, 06:32 AM   #286
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Doing The Dishes

DOING THE DISHES

Sam always wanted a nice big 'Hog,' so he shopped around, answering ads in the newspaper, but didn't have much luck. Finally, on his way to work, he saw a beautiful classic Harley with a 'For Sale' sign.. He's amazed to find the bike in mint condition, and rushes to the house to inquire about the price. After the haggling on the price, Sam says,

'This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.'

'Well,' says the seller, 'it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my jar of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it.'

So Sam buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan herself).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs Sam's arm.

'Honey,' she says, 'I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' Sam says. And in they go.

Sam is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes.. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Sam decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

'Her Mom's kinda cute,' he thinks to himself. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window, and Sam realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts:

'All right, all right!

I'll do the damn dishes!'
 

Old 07-19-2008, 06:56 PM   #287
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Hey!

Hey! Wha's my thread doing way back there? I'm bumping it up so you can enjoy and add too some of the humor. Go back and read so of the older ones if you haven't already. There's some good humorus shit here.
Thanks for reading and contributing.
DG
 

Old 07-19-2008, 09:37 PM   #288
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What's that again?

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend enough time considering how their web address might appear on-line.

These are all for real. Check 'em out yourself.

1. 'Who Represents' is where you find the names of celebrities agents.

www.whorepresents.com

2. 'Experts Exchange' is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and information.

www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than 'Pen Island'.

www.penisland.com

4. Need a therapist? Try 'Therapist Finder'.

www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there's the 'Italian Power Generator' company.

www.powergenitalia.com

6. Need software? Check with 'IP Computer'.

www.ip_anywhere.com

7. Looking for salvation. Go to the 'First Cumming Methodist Church's' website.

www.cummingfirst.com

8. The designers at 'Speed of Art' await you at:

www.speedofart.com

Have a fun day. Just be careful what you name your web site.
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-20-2008, 08:29 AM   #289
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Eight Embarrassing Medical Exams

Eight Embarrassing Medical Exams

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths", I
instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive
internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. ' The patch. The
Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the
man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How
long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she
answered. 'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.

Submitted by Dr. Steve n Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?''
It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used
to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled
for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green , and above it there was
a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was
completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY---

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady
upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said,
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name
 

Old 07-20-2008, 01:33 PM   #290
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God's Problem Now......

God's Problem Now......

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the
distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she's there.'
 

Old 07-20-2008, 01:39 PM   #291
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Alcohol Study

ALCOHOL STUDY

A recent study found that the average American walks
about 900 miles in a year.

Another study found Americans drink, on average, 22
gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud to be American
 

Old 07-20-2008, 02:01 PM   #292
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A little old lady and her back yard

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her,and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."


"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."


"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"


"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his pecker through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'."


"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"


"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays".
 

Old 07-20-2008, 02:03 PM   #293
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Things a Man Shouldn't Say

Things a Man Shouldn't Say

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even
considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
 

Old 07-20-2008, 02:43 PM   #294
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So polite!

A woman meets a little boy dressed in his sunday best leading a small brown dog on a leash.

"Well, aren't you the cutest little thing, dressed so grown up."

"Thank you Ma'm."

"That's a nice little doggie you have there."

"Thank you ma'm."

"And so polite. You're a little gentleman."

"Thank you ma'm."

"What's your doggies name sugar?"

"Porky, ma'm."

"What a cute name. Why do you call him that?"

"Because he likes to fuck pigs, ma'm."
__________________
I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
 

Old 07-20-2008, 04:36 PM   #295
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Send back the wine !!!

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to
the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady.


It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo
in my several garages; I have a beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami , and
a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are,
Would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'
 

Old 07-20-2008, 10:51 PM   #296
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(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option, even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
 

Old 07-20-2008, 11:16 PM   #297
kimbalee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
'Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.'

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option, even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA, AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T; SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED. I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.

DG, I am 36... and remember everything that I put in bold print.

How about walking to school... no bus at the end of the driveway for me.

Hand written term papers... 10 pages, in ink, no mis-spellings, and don't forget the footnotes.

I remember my gram putting o raw onion or tobacco on me when I got stung with a bee...

We also said the Pledge of Allegiance with "UNDER GOD" in it. How could we???
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((You're adopted)) 9-13-08.
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."
"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12

missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 07-20-2008, 11:22 PM   #298
DG Hear
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Hey Kimmy

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimbalee View Post
DG, I am 36... and remember everything that I put in bold print.

How about walking to school... no bus at the end of the driveway for me.

Hand written term papers... 10 pages, in ink, no mis-spellings, and don't forget the footnotes.

I remember my gram putting o raw onion or tobacco on me when I got stung with a bee...

We also said the Pledge of Allegiance with "UNDER GOD" in it. How could we???
Hey, Kimmy, I think I love you. You make me laugh.
 

Old 07-20-2008, 11:29 PM   #299
kimbalee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Hey, Kimmy, I think I love you. You make me laugh.
Awww... I love you too! (and you know I love to laugh...)

and I'm amazed with all of that, I lived to tell about it. LOL
__________________
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"just freaking adorkable." Salvor-Hardon
((You're adopted)) 9-13-08.
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."
"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12

missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 07-20-2008, 11:54 PM   #300
DesertPirate
Sailing from the desert
 
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Posts: 20,430
Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimbalee View Post
DG, I am 36... and remember everything that I put in bold print.

How about walking to school... no bus at the end of the driveway for me.

Hand written term papers... 10 pages, in ink, no mis-spellings, and don't forget the footnotes.

I remember my gram putting o raw onion or tobacco on me when I got stung with a bee...

We also said the Pledge of Allegiance with "UNDER GOD" in it. How could we???
Amen Brother DG and Sister Kimee
I'm 51 and remeber every one of both!
Wouldn't have missed it on a bet
 
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