Old 02-16-2009, 07:19 AM   #2576
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Mexican Jews

Two Jewish men, Abe and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Abe asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."

He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Mexican Jews."

Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer,

"I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Abe said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico, Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews.

Al asked once again, "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews."
 

Old 02-16-2009, 06:29 PM   #2577
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At Any Given Moment:

79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse.
58,000,000 are kissing.
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
1 lonely bugger is reading my humor thread.
You hang in there sunshine!
 

Old 02-16-2009, 06:55 PM   #2578
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I the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or pub[l]ic holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response :

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

Have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:


You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:55 PM   #2579
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered.. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:56 PM   #2580
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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Old 02-16-2009, 06:57 PM   #2581
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A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home
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Old 02-16-2009, 08:54 PM   #2582
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Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her
Return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
Disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
Coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
Certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.'
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Old 02-16-2009, 08:56 PM   #2583
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Gorilla And The Redneck

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult
to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no
male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby
Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning
the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense
but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee
as approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the
gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he
would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."


The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The
keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00
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Old 02-16-2009, 08:58 PM   #2584
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Bottle of wine

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there' and indicated the sender with a nod of
his head.
She looked down her nose at the bottle for a few seconds, not looking at
the man and then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from
her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
Her Note Read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
deliver it to the lady.

His Note Back:
'Just so you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my
several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank
account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are,
would I cut off three inches.......... Just send the bottle back.'
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Old 02-17-2009, 07:07 AM   #2585
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Defendent

Your honour, I am 75 years old. So here I am, sitting there on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour. So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!" That's when he yelled, "April Fool" and that's when I shot the Fucking Son of a Bitch!!
 

Old 02-17-2009, 09:02 AM   #2586
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Here's your vocabulary lesson for today

'Liquidity'
[
When you look at your investments and wet your pants
 

Old 02-17-2009, 10:33 AM   #2587
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Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.
 

Old 02-17-2009, 04:35 PM   #2588
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Appetite for Sex

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper.

"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes...?"

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm fucking STARVING!"
 

Old 02-17-2009, 05:13 PM   #2589
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Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old.
Well . . . You'll Love This One.


My Name Is Alice , And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.
I Noticed His Dds Diploma On The Wall, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.
This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School.
'yes. Yes, I Did. I'm A Mustang,' He Gleamed With Pride.
When Did You Graduate?' I Asked.
He Answered, 'in 1975. Why Do You Ask?'
You Were In My Class!', I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled Faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,

'what Did You Teach???
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:13 PM   #2590
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Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that f*cking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:14 PM   #2591
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Little Johnny had just come back to school from his summer break and the teacher was asking all of the kids to stand up and tell the class what they had done in their holidays.
When it came to the turn of Johnny he stood up and told the teacher " Well M'am I went down the woods with my mates, found some frogs and stuck fireworks up their ARSES".
Horrified, the teacher replied " You mean RECTUM".
Johnny was surprised and paused for a moment "WRECKD'EM? fucking blew 'em to pieces!"
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:15 PM   #2592
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:15 PM   #2593
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
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Old 02-17-2009, 05:46 PM   #2594
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I've posted a humorous poem to the site, "On the Perils of a Morning Grope," and thought this thread might be a good place to advertise it. Hope you don't mind the shameless self-promotion. The link's in the signature block.
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After another 8-month absence I'm back but although I might mess about on the forums I won't be taking part in SRPs. I just freak out too often to be a reliable writing partner. Sorry.

Stories:

NEW! For the Lit Halloween Competition: Brendan's Last Lay - a rollicking revengeful Halloween hump!

~~~~~~~~~
Celtic tigers are just big pussycats in disguise
And we love to have our tummies tickled
~~~~~~~~~

 

Old 02-17-2009, 07:55 PM   #2595
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EesomeBeastie View Post
I've posted a humorous poem to the site, "On the Perils of a Morning Grope," and thought this thread might be a good place to advertise it. Hope you don't mind the shameless self-promotion. The link's in the signature block.
Don't mind the advertising but just post the poem here.
DG
 

Old 02-17-2009, 09:32 PM   #2596
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One December day we found a stray cat at our door. She was dirty, smelled terrible, hair all matted down and starving. We fed her and took her to the vet for a check-up and grooming. We hadn't given her a name, so we called her 'Pussycat'.

The vet wanted to keep her for a few days and he'd let us know when she'd be ready. "Make sure to bathe and groom her" my husband said. "She smells terrible."

My husband and the vet are old friends and always pulling pranks on each other. The last time my husband pranked the vet, so he had one coming.

The next day my husband had a doctors appointment next door to the vets office. The vet must have seen him arrive and ran next door to the doctors office.

When my husband sat down in the waiting room with several other people, the vet appeared from a side door, walked up to him and said in a loud voice "Your wife's pussy doesnt stink any more. We washed and shaved it and now it smells like a rose. Oh by the way, she's pregnant and God only knows who the father is."

Then he left the room.
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Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

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Old 02-17-2009, 10:19 PM   #2597
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Smile Kids In Church

3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then s aid,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Old 02-17-2009, 10:24 PM   #2598
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Do you have what it takes to be a Wal-Mart Greeter?

Now this is funny!!!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
 

Old 02-17-2009, 10:31 PM   #2599
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Now this is funny!!!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice.

Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
DG, if you only knew how many times people in retail wanted to do something like that
 

Old 02-18-2009, 07:03 AM   #2600
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Deductive Reasoning

Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving"
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly"
Neighbor 1: "So what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what is that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That is right"
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, Leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again"
New Neighbor: "Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife"
Neighbor 1: "Correct"
New Neighbor: "And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are heterosexual"
Neighbor 1: "Yup"
New Neighbor: "That is deductive reasoning"
Neighbor 1: "Cool"

Later that same day...

Neighbor 1: "Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door"
Neighbor 2: "Is he a nice guy?"
Neighbor 1: "Yes, and he has an interesting job"
Neighbor 2: "Oh, yeah what does he do?"
Neighbor 1: "He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the University"
Neighbor 2: "Deductive reasoning, what is that"
Neighbor 1: "Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
Neighbor 2: "No"
Neighbor 1: "Fag."
 
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