Old 02-09-2009, 09:21 PM   #2526
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
Deciding to be frank, he asks, 'Do you know me?'

She replied, 'I'm not sure, but I think you're the father of one of my
kids.'

The man is shocked and taken aback; his mind travels back to the only time
he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. He blurts out, "My God, are you the
stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with
all my buddies watching while your partner spanked my behind with wet
celery???'

She replied calmly, 'No...I'm your son's teacher."
 

Old 02-09-2009, 11:18 PM   #2527
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Talking The Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."
 

Old 02-10-2009, 08:40 AM   #2528
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Tony from Italy

Tony had come over from Italy a short time ago and his English was not very good. His wife had a bad case of crabs in her pubic hair, so Tony went to the drug store and asked the clerk, "My wife, she has'a bugs in the bush".
The clerk though that Tony's wife had insects in her garden and gave Tony a bottle of insecticide and told him to use one tablespoon per gallon and spray the bushes and that would get rid of the bugs. Tony took the insecticide home and thought the infestation in her pubic hair was so bad, he would spray it on straight out of the bottle.

Several weeks later Tony was in the drug store and the clerk ask him, "How are the bugs in the bush doing?"

Tony said, "The bugs, they are gone, my wife's bush all gone, too. By the way you hear about my neighbor Joe?". "He had a beautiful mustache and it all fell out and later that week Joe died.
 

Old 02-10-2009, 08:42 AM   #2529
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Not nice but somewhat funny
DG

Why are so many Italians called "TONY"?

As they can't speak english "TO N. Y." is written on their forehead when they are crossing the Atlantic by boat.
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:23 AM   #2530
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Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:25 AM   #2531
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Husband's Great Gift
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:26 AM   #2532
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Just Like Dad
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"

Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Last edited by DesertPirate : 02-10-2009 at 11:30 AM.
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:31 AM   #2533
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what women would do if they had a penis for a day
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:32 AM   #2534
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what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:34 AM   #2535
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16 years later
One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happend 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"
 

Old 02-10-2009, 11:36 AM   #2536
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Daughters are curious~~~
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.

Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
 

Old 02-10-2009, 03:17 PM   #2537
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GRANDMAS

I was out walking with my 4-year-old Grand daughter. She
picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

'Why?' my Granddaughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied.

At this point, my Granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.'

I was thinking quickly. 'All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. 'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the Grandpa'.

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.
 

Old 02-10-2009, 10:33 PM   #2538
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The Pastor's New Teeth

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When ask about this by some of his congregation, he responded:

"The first Sunday, my gums were so sore, it hurt to talk."

"The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot."

"The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up. "
 

Old 02-10-2009, 10:59 PM   #2539
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Fags in America

A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life. "Hey Roadway driver, who are the two biggest fags in America?" comes from the CB. The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know." The other trucker says " You and your brother." Well the Roadway driver gets annoyed but the other driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next truck you see."

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour and finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says "Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest fags in the world are?" The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?" The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother."
 

Old 02-11-2009, 08:07 AM   #2540
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Vacation, 'Where to go?'

Bob says to Lester,

"You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says,

"So what you gonna do different this year?"

Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
 

Old 02-11-2009, 08:43 AM   #2541
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Lawyers and Chief Petty Officers


A lawyer and a Chief Petty Officer are sitting next to each other on a
long flight. The lawyer is thinking that this Chief is so dumb that he
could get one over on him easy...So the lawyer asks if the Chief would
like to play a fun game.

The Chief is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines
and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the
game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches his attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth
to the Moon?' The Chief doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls
out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Chiefs' turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop
and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends
e-mails to all the smartest friends he knows, all to no avail. After one
hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Chief and hands
him $500. The Chief pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Chief up
and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four?'

The Chief reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

Don't mess with Chiefs'.
 

Old 02-11-2009, 09:13 AM   #2542
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Mucho Mice

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."
 

Old 02-11-2009, 07:47 PM   #2543
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Be Careful What You Say

This might be old, but it made me smile today.THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY


It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with
big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine imported
cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations,
farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.

At the final house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.

Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast:
eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. '...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he
said, ......but what's the dollar for?'

'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day... and that we should do something special for you. I
asked him what to give you?'

He said, "...Screw him ........give him a dollar."

The blonde then proudly said, '....But the breakfast was my idea.'
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Something fun to read and fun to wear: Black Satin Stilettos

I'm begging for one more good vote - Please Don't Go Emily
 

Old 02-11-2009, 07:49 PM   #2544
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other.

The first mouse says, "You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat 'em like candy."

The second mouse, not to be outdone says, "Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it."

The third mouse says, "You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I'd love to keep hangin' out with you here, but I gotta go fuck the cat."

LOL. Thank you!
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Something fun to read and fun to wear: Black Satin Stilettos

I'm begging for one more good vote - Please Don't Go Emily
 

Old 02-11-2009, 08:38 PM   #2545
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoursSINSerely View Post
LOL. Thank you!
Thank you for posting on the humor thread. Please visit and post often.
DG
 

Old 02-11-2009, 08:44 PM   #2546
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Bill - The Man

I love this one.
DG

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. "Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.
 

Old 02-11-2009, 11:16 PM   #2547
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Need Time Off?

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy', then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my (blonde) co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her,'...And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're going to love this....)
She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.'
 

Old 02-12-2009, 07:36 AM   #2548
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Last Wish

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"

She says, "Anything you want."

He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?"

She says, "But I thought you hated Larry."

With his last breath, he says, "I do."
 

Old 02-12-2009, 10:03 AM   #2549
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Suffering

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife,

"What’s the problem?"

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
 

Old 02-12-2009, 05:12 PM   #2550
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A Damn Fine Explanation

I think I might have posted this before but not sure how long ago.
DG


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me, a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!"

And the husband replied, "Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

"I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

"So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

"Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

"I also gave her the lingere that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

"I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also gave her donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has 'a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your
wife doesn't use?'
 
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