Old 06-04-2008, 06:26 PM   #1
DG Hear
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Talking Humor Thread

I'm going to start another Humor thread. I keep having a hard time finding the present ones we have here. Everyone's welcome to post here. Hear or read something funny? Feel free to post it. I keep coming across stuff (a lot of it repeat) but it's still some funny stuff.

Here's a start:

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN..
 

Old 06-04-2008, 06:28 PM   #2
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Smile another one I just received.

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for "suck here".

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
 

Old 06-05-2008, 06:50 AM   #3
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Loving marriage

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the misses felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and
neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her
lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a
loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

" I found the remote," he mumbled.
 

Old 06-05-2008, 07:34 AM   #4
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Up

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps

has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.


And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets UP the earth.



When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so .

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U - P


Don't screw up . Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book.
 

Old 06-05-2008, 08:00 AM   #5
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It's easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake HORNY?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
It's in the minutes

Why do we speak UP
For deaf people

and why are the officers UP for election
How else would they get elected

and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
Secretaries are employed so you can look up their skirts, compiling reports is an excuse to make them wear stockings.

We call UP our friends
Only if you have friends

and we use it to brighten UP a room
You have somewhere to live?

polish UP the silver
Stockings, I presume

we warm UP the leftovers
I rarely let them get cold

and clean UP the kitchen
see - You have somewhere to live?

We lock UP the house
The secretary has a key

and some guys fix UP the old car
my secretary has quite good hands for getting my old banger running.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir up trouble
and porridge

line UP for tickets
I usually send the secretary

work UP an appetite
I usually work up to that moist little triangle between...

and think UP excuses
I had too much wine with lunch

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
To be dressed down is enchanting

And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP
it's usually the effect of alcohol, a short nap works wonders

We open UP a store in the morning
she rarely wears anything in bed

but we close it UP at night
I've a stopper that size

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
Nah... I've got covered

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions
You don't have a secretary, do you?

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP , you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
You don't have a secretary, do you?

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
She calls it 'her period'

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
Pencillin

When it rains, it wets UP the earth.
Only if you're doing it outdoors

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP
Get a new secretary

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U - P
That sort of game has never appealed, I hate sleeping in wet sheets
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Old 06-05-2008, 08:11 AM   #6
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Neon, I think you might have a "Sex"atary instead of a "secretary" and that would be different.
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missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 06-05-2008, 08:14 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimbalee View Post
Neon, I think you might have a "Sex"atary instead of a "secretary" and that would be different.
In my naive and innocent days, I wrote about her... you'll find her on Lit unders 'Wills'.

Unfotunately, she also reads Lit... so does the wife, they are/were good friends. I had a year of hell, which was no more than I deserved
 

Old 06-05-2008, 08:18 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by neonlyte View Post
In my naive and innocent days, I wrote about her... you'll find her on Lit unders 'Wills'.

Unfotunately, she also reads Lit... so does the wife, they are/were good friends. I had a year of hell, which was no more than I deserved
lol, yep, you deserved it. Learned your lesson then, did ya? hahahahah!

(and I'm guessing it is more of a "were" friends than "are" friends )
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missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 06-05-2008, 08:22 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimbalee View Post
lol, yep, you deserved it. Learned your lesson then, did ya? hahahahah!

(and I'm guessing it is more of a "were" friends than "are" friends )
Nah... all forgiven, I pleaded insanity.
 

Old 06-05-2008, 08:33 AM   #10
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Hahahaahah! Well, whatever works.
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"just freaking adorkable." Salvor-Hardon
((You're adopted)) 9-13-08.
Ben is a shithead who calls me "potato salad."
"you are wise, crayon- goddess." ~respeito on 11-03-12

missing Finn.
Ha. You're turning into a hockey fan. If you're not careful you'll start being polite, too. Next thing you know, people will start thinking you're a Canadian. ~JD 2/01/13
 

Old 06-06-2008, 09:16 AM   #11
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Red face The Veterinian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
 

Old 06-07-2008, 09:49 PM   #12
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BBQ Time, cooking rules

BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.


And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
 

Old 06-07-2008, 09:59 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'
I don't really like being a wet blanket, but I believe prostitution is illegal in both those places. That doesn't mean they don't have cat houses, of course, but I don't know why people would visit one when there are legal cat houses a short distance away.
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100% smut or stroke, and proud of it.

The Rest of My Smut

Dirty old man.
 

Old 06-08-2008, 12:54 AM   #14
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Truly, incredibly tasteless joke

I heard this one at the conference I was at this last weekend. Now, I cannot overemphasize that this is truly, totally, amazingly ghastly.

One of the most amazingly bad jokes I've ever told.

If you think you can be offended at all (not grossed out, but offended), leave this place immediately.

Do not read further! I don't want you to complain you didn't get enough warning.

Okay?

You HAVE been warned.

Scroll down....





















A little old Jewish woman, just this side of 100, wins the New York State lottery, to the tune of $100 million. She's featured in the Daily News, the wire services pick it up, it's a great goodwill story. She shows up at shul that Friday night and when she walks in, the congregation stands up and applauds. She smiles and sits down.

The rabbi says "You know, before we begin, I was wondering if Mrs. Salzman wanted to say a few words." With cries of "Speech, speech!" she gets up in front of the congregation and she says "Thank you, everyone. I'm very thankful to have received this."

Someone from the congregation calls out "What are you going to do with the money?"

She says, "Well, I'm an old woman and I really don't need much for myself, so I thought I'd give $10 million to the synagogue for its building fund and maintenance program." Oh, the audience goes wild with their applause and cheers. What a wonderful gift! When the applause dies down, someone says "Mrs. Salzman, what about the remaining $90 million?"

She says, "Well, I really don't need much for myself and I was thinking that I'd like to give the rabbi $10 million of his own to continue his good works in the community. He's a very wise man and I've always trusted his judgement; I think he could make good use of the money in helping people effectively."

If the crowd went wild before, they're ready to eat a bleacher in their excitement now. Such an incredibly generous woman and such a selfless gift!!! The rabbi is wiping away tears and there are whistles and stomps.

Finally, the noise dies down a bit and someone says "That's $80 million left. What else do you want to do with the money?"

"Well," Mrs. Salzman continues, "I don't have much familiy left, but I think I'm going to give them $10 million to take care of medical expenses, maybe move them out of the city if that's what they'd like, and generally make the rest of their days smooth and easy." Still more applause from the congregation. Without being prompted, Mrs. Salzman says "And I'm an old woman and I really don't need a lot of money for myself, so I figured I'd just keep a million dollars for my own and then give the rest of the money to the German government."

And there is a sudden dead silence.

For almost two minutes.

Nobody knows what to say, although there is a little confused muttering.

Finally, the rabbi clears his throat and says "Uh, Mrs. Salzman, I feel obliged to point out that the German government was responsible for the greatest atrocity in human history and it was against our people. You were there in the camps yourself: you lost your husband, your daughters were raped to death, and all but one of your sons were sent off to work in the mines until they died. Why would you ever think of giving them a dime, let alone $69 million?"

Mrs. Salzman rolls up her sleeve and points to her tattoo and says "Well, what numbers do you think I played?"
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Kim and Me and Kim, Lynn, and Me-- stories from a long, hot weekend and what followed.

What I Like on Literotica, in limerick form

"I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $1000, Alex."

"Look at that pile of manuscripts... Pretty impressive, eh? I am now capable of committing the perfect crime, as I no longer have any fingerprints." --Neil Simon, The Star-Spangled Girl

"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies." --Fran Leibowitz , Metropolitan Life
 

Old 06-08-2008, 12:55 AM   #15
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P.S. I am just so going to Hell for that one....
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Kim and Me and Kim, Lynn, and Me-- stories from a long, hot weekend and what followed.

What I Like on Literotica, in limerick form

"I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $1000, Alex."

"Look at that pile of manuscripts... Pretty impressive, eh? I am now capable of committing the perfect crime, as I no longer have any fingerprints." --Neil Simon, The Star-Spangled Girl

"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies." --Fran Leibowitz , Metropolitan Life
 

Old 06-08-2008, 07:24 AM   #16
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Good idea...funny stuff.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
I'm going to start another Humor thread. I keep having a hard time finding the present ones we have here. Everyone's welcome to post here. Hear or read something funny? Feel free to post it. I keep coming across stuff (a lot of it repeat) but it's still some funny stuff.

Here's a start:

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
And tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
Between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
And some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!

HOPE YOUR SHITTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN..
This is a great idea for a thread, only I'm laughing too hard to write anything but this. Some of these are really funny. Keep up the good work. I needed a good laugh this morning.
 

Old 06-08-2008, 07:47 AM   #17
DG Hear
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Thank you all

I, like probably everyone else, received a ton of e-mail a day. I forward a few things to a select group of friends. Some stuff is just funny and I thought I would like to share it will others. To bad I'm not smart enough or this thread won't let me send the pictures. Some are really good. I think it does do web sites if I get any of those.

Please feel free to post here. Humor is good, If you don't like what you read, go to the next one.
DG
 

Old 06-08-2008, 07:58 AM   #18
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Cool

Something to ponder during election time.

_______________________________

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner,

locks eyes with you, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?



Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send
to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier,
healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this withsome friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.

........................................................

Republican's Answer: BANG!

........................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....

(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
 

Old 06-08-2008, 08:26 AM   #19
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Northerener answer

Northerner answer, I'd invite him to a ballgame at Fenway Park to watch the Red Sox win (lol).

He'd come in handy, especially if the Sox are playing the Yankees to quiet all those Yankee fans.
 

Old 06-08-2008, 01:39 PM   #20
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DG Hear started off with some of the sweetest jokes I've seen in a long time.

Here's the one I got this morning, from my Jewish Uncle Lenny;


The year is 2016 and the United States has elected the first woman as
well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her mother a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and
take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," her Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President Elect replies, "Don't worry, Mom. The entire affair is
going to be handled by the best caterer in New York. Kosher all the
way. Mom, I really want you to be there."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on the 20th of January 2017, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sits the new President' s mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her.

"Do you see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."


Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor."
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Old 06-08-2008, 03:30 PM   #21
DG Hear
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Smile Doctors Visit

Thanks for the nice comments. Here's an old one I always liked.
DG



My elderly husband had to go for his annual phyical at the doctors office. He was somewhat hard of hearing and didn't want to wear his hearing aid so I went along with him.

"We're going to do a complete physical Mr. Smih," said the doctor.

"What?" said my husband.

"He said he is going to do a complete physical Ed," I repeated.

"We're going to run some tests," said the doctor.

"What?" said my husband.

"He's going to run some tests," I repeated.

"What kind of tests?" aske my Husband.

"Well, we'll need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and a sperm sample," said the doctor.

"What all does he need?" my husband asked me.

"He said to give him your underwear," I replied.
 

Old 06-08-2008, 11:19 PM   #22
DG Hear
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Daddy, How was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down...You'll love this ..










'You got Male!'
 

Old 06-09-2008, 06:56 AM   #23
DG Hear
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To All My Friends

To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, Angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send
money and gasoline vouchers instead?
Thank you!
DG
 

Old 06-09-2008, 09:19 AM   #24
DesertPirate
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Cool

Quote:
Originally Posted by DG Hear View Post
To all my friends who in 2007 sent me best wishes, chain letters, Angel letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something...

NONE OF THAT SHIT WORKED!
For 2008, could you please just send
money and gasoline vouchers instead?
Thank you!
DG
Me too!
 

Old 06-09-2008, 11:56 PM   #25
starrkers
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A bloke goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the services?"

Yes," he says. "I was in the armed forces for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward
employment", and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "OK, I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 AM till 5:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00
AM"

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM ,
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in
for that."
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