I'd like to get some feedback on my story

Hello all,
I'd like to get feedback on this story called Cancer Free for 62 Months. It's a double first time story about a woman who survived cancer at age 13 (she's the one that's been cancer free for 5 years, 2 months).

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361335

I'd also like an actual editor and haven't found one. I'm guessing one was assigned me due to the delay from uploading and seeing it available. I'm meticulous about spell checking but the "feel and flow" I want to know what I need to improve it's "speed" if increasing or decreasing is necessary.

Thanks in advance,
-- Chris

almost forgot

Feel free to send me a PM, or leave feedback on the story itself.

Well, it starts off bad with a way too long paragraph of gross discription that would better have been incorporated in the story. Who gives a crap about her mother and father? The story isn't about them.

Then you go on with half a page of "fucking pitty me!" Interest is waning fast at this point. Then comes another long ass, disinteresting paragraph discribing your heroine.

Finally you have a rather unbelievable conversation that just left me cold.

Ok. She survived cancer. So what? Your discriptions didn't make her real or create any empathy for her.

Sorry.

Jenny_Jackson said:

Well, it starts off bad with a way too long paragraph of gross discription that would better have been incorporated in the story. Who gives a crap about her mother and father? The story isn't about them.

Then you go on with half a page of "fucking pitty me!" Interest is waning fast at this point. Then comes another long ass, disinteresting paragraph discribing your heroine.

Finally you have a rather unbelievable conversation that just left me cold.

Ok. She survived cancer. So what? Your discriptions didn't make her real or create any empathy for her.

Sorry.

Click to expand...

Don't be, everyone has opinions. So, How could this be improved?
What would be a better point in the story at which to start? Could you recommend a good editor?

The spelling and the basic story, I got (about 10 episodes total), I just need to improve how to disseminate the information (i.e. her background, his background, etc.)

Thanks
-- Chris

Hi Geeky, congrats on a first posting.

Jenny is right. You are not structured in telling your story and we (the lazy readers) lose a bit of patience.

Off the cuff advice;

- Start with the two of them meeting, let him be a bit upfront and her attracted but shy because of her supposed loss of femininity because of the masectomy.

- Don't let him be too knowledgeable - he can guess, but she has done the Google research, she answers his tentative questions with facts.

- Take more time with the pre-bed stuff. She wants to lose her virginity but is scared witless of letting a man see her naked - she feels she's only half a woman. He's scared -- he's infatuated, thinks he loves her, but is scared he will fail the test when she takes her bra off.

Any background should be interweaved in affectionate and diffident dialogue. You need more emotion to flesh out the overpowering loss to Freya and the (generally universal) inability of men to really empathize (how can they?) with the removal of a breast and the feeling of inadequacy that follows.

Freya, opa, these are Dutch, nordic words.

I've sent you a PM and I think you can do real well here when you gain your confidence.

Elle

elfin_odalisque said:

Hi Geeky, congrats on a first posting.

Jenny is right. You are not structured in telling your story and we (the lazy readers) lose a bit of patience.

Off the cuff advice;

- Start with the two of them meeting, let him be a bit upfront and her attracted but shy because of her supposed loss of femininity because of the masectomy.

- Don't let him be too knowledgeable - he can guess, but she has done the Google research, she answers his tentative questions with facts.

- Take more time with the pre-bed stuff. She wants to lose her virginity but is scared witless of letting a man see her naked - she feels she's only half a woman. He's scared -- he's infatuated, thinks he loves her, but is scared he will fail the test when she takes her bra off.

Any background should be interweaved in affectionate and diffident dialogue. You need more emotion to flesh out the overpowering loss to Freya and the (generally universal) inability of men to really empathize (how can they?) with the removal of a breast and the feeling of inadequacy that follows.

Freya, opa, these are Dutch, nordic words.

I've sent you a PM and I think you can do real well here when you gain your confidence.

Elle

Click to expand...

Freya is also irony -- Freya = Asgardian goddess of Feminine sexuality, love and fertility.

I know Opa is German for grandfather, but I suppose Dutch being close enough to German that they share some words.

Also, Joe is a bit "weird" in that he *is* empathetic. I know that'll be the least believable aspect of him, but I have about 10 stories in one form or another (some have Joe, two follow "Coach" and "Professora").

I'm never sure how long to give for the prebed stuff. I'd love to have the ability to put a full story up (like on the forums) and get comments before it's posted. I'd also like to get an editor.

Thanks for the help,
-- Chris

Geeky_lover said:

Don't be, everyone has opinions. So, How could this be improved?
What would be a better point in the story at which to start? Could you recommend a good editor?

The spelling and the basic story, I got (about 10 episodes total), I just need to improve how to disseminate the information (i.e. her background, his background, etc.)

Thanks
-- Chris

Click to expand...

Here's the problem with your discriptions -

Which would you rather read?

Wanda was 5-10 with big brown eyes, long, blonde hair down to her ass and gigantic 44DDD knockers. OR...

Wand's shook her long hair so it fell over her shoulders and straightened her bouse over the generous mounds of her breasts. ???

The point is, work the discriptions into your stories and render them, don't tell me she's 5-10, say she's tall, etc. Don't ever use number unless it's an address, time, phone number or such.

Give your readers some credit for their own imagination. Do you care that the reader' forms exactly the same picture you have? Not really. Let him/her fill in the blanks. Does it make any difference if she's blonde, brunette or red haired? Does it matter that her tits are enoumous? Does it matter what color her eyes are? Not really.

It's a lot more important to give your characters personality. Make them seem real. Make them say the things a real person would say in conversation. That creates empathy in the reader.

And cut out absolutely everything in the story that isn't necessary. Do we really care about her parents? If anything they are "foreigners" and only background. We don't need to know he's a scandanavian and she's from Central America. None of that moves your plot along.

Typically, I start with a story that's 5-6000 words and then start chopping. I end up with 2500 to 3000 words. The rest was just window dressing and not needed.

Like Elle said, start with the action and let the reader know who these people are by letting them speak and tell us. You'll get lot better results.

As far as an editor, go to the Editor's Forum and post a request. You'll find one. But in your post, let them know you need help with structure. Okay?

Alright, I managed to read through the story but it wasn't easy. My initial impression is that this story tries too hard. I agree with everything that Jenny and Elle have said. Your first goal in improving your writing is to get an editor that can help you work on your structure.

Since I don't want to rehash any points already made, I'll offer up some advice on your characters.

You don't have to give a biography of your characters, especially at the beginning of the story. Anything you tell about your characters should somehow relate to the story.

For instance, you start the story explaining about her heritage. This is what I mean by trying too hard. It almost seems like you're trying to justify having this character of mixed heritage. But you don't have to, after all it's your story.

You also have a lot of dialog that rambles and goes off on tangents. This makes your characters seem like they can't focus their thoughts and then keeps going to make them seem very unrealistic.

Your characters need more shape that defines them. Their mannerisms and personality need to reflect more individuality. When I read stories, I will form an idea of what a character looks like. This isn't based on visual descriptions written in the story, but instead based on their actions and their personality. To this I will match a look or an image that I feel fits with this personality.

I hope this helps. Just remember to keep writing and practicing. And don't be afraid to try something new just to see if it works.