IMPORTANT - Official New Rules of Grammar for 2014
Well, folks, the MLA has recently come forth with new rules on grammar, and it doesn't look good. Truth be told, these have been a long time coming, and we're all going to have to learn to respect them if we want to be respected as writers ourselves. After all, these come from the highest single authority on literature ever, and yes, there are people out there judging our work, whether we want to turn a blind eye or not. Free speech is a responsibility, not a privilege.
First of all, there have been a slew of cuts to extraneous letters, including the second space for formatting after sentences. The reason for this is actually bandwidth. Too many letters are clogging up our internet, so drop the extra u's in words ending in "-our," "-ction" becomes "-xion," and all those "-ogues" turn into "-og." "Ae" is right out. Consonants are no longer allowed to double up when they become adverbs or gerunds (for example: "modeling"). In general, shorter spellings are now correct. This is a strict compromise between faster internet speeds and keeping in accordance with the digital limitations of the Patriot Act.
Secondly, affirmative action. Some letters simply are not getting an equal limelight to others. Words ending in "-ise" are switching over to "-ize" as we have a surplus of Zs anyway. On the flip side, Cs have become controversial, and it's now widely believed that they're taking away precious jobs from S and K. Therefore, Cs have been relegated to the "ch" sound, and H, which has not been pulling its weight, has been dropped completely. In a similar vein, G is always the hard G sound from now on, as it wishes to drop the association that it has been confused about its own predilections for a long time.
Other rules are being simplified for contemporary western audiences in accordance with educational staffing. In the past, "If I were President, I'd reform the gun laws," would have been correct. To keep things simpler, because "I" is singular, "If I was" is now considered correct. Say good-bye to the subjunctive mood and past-perfect participles. Anyone caught using the passive voice may now face a small fine, in the spirit of capitalism. The same goes for people who stutter before the word "regardless". Relative clauses are expected to be further revised for an addendum to these rules in the coming months.
A change has just been made to apostraphes: They no longer pluralize words.
It's vital that everyone is made duly aware of these new terms, as they are non-negotiable. Furthermore, a coalition of published bloggers exists that will seek out and punish violators with extreme prejudice. They have been anointed by divine providence, because as we are all already aware, jobless authors on the internet are the most powerful force to be reckoned with. Another thing we should remind ourselves of is that language is a living, breathing entity, subject to the changing whims and perceptions of cultural relativity. We don't want another report of the dictionary crusades, and we all know what happened to Latin.
There are further rules still in the works which may be reported to you today at later times, and I trust you to help list them here for everyone's benefit. Remember: MLA formatting is a relentless force not to be trifled with recklessly.