What would you make of this?

Ok - how do you show a man that you dont expect them to take responsibility for your kid?

I had a kid in a previous relationship and in my current one<been together for 5 or 6 months> he thinks that i'm going to force my kid on him. I dont know how to make it any more obvious that that is not going to happen. I am perfectly happy raising my son on my own. All i expect frrom him is his support and understanding. He has only been around my kid 5 or 6 times since we've gotten together and only for a few hours each time. Yeah i would like for him to come over here more but i'm not forcing him.
He uses my kid as an excuse to not show me he wants me around <i just plain dont get it. we only see eachother 1 night a week and when i say i want more time with him - he throws it in my face that i'm being controlling and that i dont want him around his friends.


i dont want to leave him here guys - i'm just seeking advice on what i need to do to make him realize that he's pulling this bullshit.
I've tried talking to him about this stuff and i know communication is key. But when i try to talk to him about this shit he says i'm starting an argument and he either leaves, or goes to sleep.
blah right now i dunno.

If you've already told him, I think the only thing you can possibly do is just continue to prove it to him. The longer you go without 'forcing' your kid on him, insisting that he come over or along on outings with your child, the more sure he'll become of himself and the fact that he's not being forced into a parental role with the child.

I don't like that he's using your kid as an excuse to neglect you, and you shouldn't like it either. I think dumping him is probably the best choice, but I do understand why you don't want to.

It doesn't sound like he wants a healthy relationship with you, kid or no kid.

Quite simply, you can't make him understand you're not trying to force parenthood on him, or that he's being an asshole about it. If he wants to change, he will, but if he doesn't, your only options are either staying in an unhealthy relationship, or leaving.

Are you hoping he'll change/accept your kid in time, or is he just a stand-in until you find someone who treats you better and embraces the fact that you're a mother?

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SweetErika said:

Are you hoping he'll change/accept your kid in time, or is he just a stand-in until you find someone who treats you better and embraces the fact that you're a mother?

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i'm hoping he'll change - but i dont know if i can tolerate this much longer.

I think he's using you as you 'reserve soldier' and he's already searching for some one better
[may be according to his definition better = woman without kids]

search on Adultfriendfinder..may be you will meet him there.

I'm sorry to hear you have to undergo this mental torture

you deserve a lot better man than him,

my good wishes be with you, finding someone better

AgonySceneGirl said:

i'm hoping he'll change - but i dont know if i can tolerate this much longer.

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That's really a disastrous mindset that ends in disappointment almost every time. It's alright on the little annoyances you can live happily with(out), but it doesn't work with the big things, like communication, respect or liking kids.

After 9+ years, my husband has changed some, but for the most part, he's the same guy he was in the early months and years. That's OK with me, though, because he does try to do differently when it's really important, and I'm happy with who he is and how he treats me.

You're not so desperate that you need to tolerate someone who treats you poorly or doesn't invest in the things that make a relationship work. Don't start believing there's no one better out there because you're young and there most certainly is. I doubt you want your kid to grow up seeing Mommy's dysfunctional relationship and partner who doesn't like/want him/her, either.

It sounds to me like he wants his cake and to eat it too. You already have one child to raise, are you really ready for another? He is using your child as an excuse which is wrong to begin with. Your young man has a lot of growing up to do himself before he can be any use to you.

You are raising one child, why add another. Dump him. You are not going to change him........

whoa hold up here - i am not pregnant with another - that is not what i ment at all. i'm on the iud with no intention of having it taken out till i'm married and wanting another lol even then is sketchy. i do not regret having my son outside of marriage but i learned my lesson on trusting men as far as sticking around for the kid goes. which is the reason i dont push my kid on him - if we break up - its another man walking out of his life and i dont want that at all.
i just want someone that is there for me and shows me that i'm actually wanted.


I think part of the reason for all this shit is because i went through some really bad shit with my sons father - and i guess i could be considered needy - 1 night a week with him just is not enough for me. its an emotional thing - not sexual. I'm so tired of feeling alone all the time - when we first got together - i felt safe and not alone. I feel safe with him as far as violence and shit like that goes - but with my heart i'm not so sure anymore. And the alone thing - is all back again.

AgonySceneGirl said:

whoa hold up here - i am not pregnant with another - that is not what i ment at all.

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I think the point was that they think that he is/was acting like a child, not that you are pregnant.

AgonySceneGirl said:

whoa hold up here - i am not pregnant with another - that is not what i ment at all. i'm on the iud with no intention of having it taken out till i'm married and wanting another lol even then is sketchy. i do not regret having my son outside of marriage but i learned my lesson on trusting men as far as sticking around for the kid goes. which is the reason i dont push my kid on him - if we break up - its another man walking out of his life and i dont want that at all.

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Smart girl.

i just want someone that is there for me and shows me that i'm actually wanted.

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You deserve that, too.

I think part of the reason for all this shit is because i went through some really bad shit with my sons father - and i guess i could be considered needy - 1 night a week with him just is not enough for me. its an emotional thing - not sexual. I'm so tired of feeling alone all the time - when we first got together - i felt safe and not alone. I feel safe with him as far as violence and shit like that goes - but with my heart i'm not so sure anymore. And the alone thing - is all back again.

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Why only one night a week?

Is it possible you haven't worked out your issues from your previous relationship, and while this new guy isn't as bad as the last, he's still an asshole and/or unavailable like your kid's father? Or, at the very least, they share some of the same, undesirable traits?

It might be something to look closely at. We often choose partners who fit the same pattern, and it's very hard to get out of that rut. I didn't until I forced myself to be with someone who felt very, very wrong for me, but he did turn out to be Mr. Right.

AgonySceneGirl said:

if we break up - its another man walking out of his life and i dont want that at all.

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I would have to think it would be better that he walk out now than make your son feel like he isn't liked or wanted around. The longer this guy is around the more likely it is that your son will see it that way.

[/QUOTE] i just want someone that is there for me and shows me that i'm actually wanted.[/QUOTE]

You are a package deal. He takes you with your son. If he is having a problem with that now, IMO it will only get worse as/if the relationship develops.

[/QUOTE] and i guess i could be considered needy - 1 night a week with him just is not enough for me. its an emotional thing - not sexual. I'm so tired of feeling alone all the time -
[/QUOTE] I don't agree that wanting to be with him more makes you needy. It is normal in a relationship to want to spend as much time with each other as is possible.

I am just asking, but is it possible that he is getting out of the relationship all that he needs to meet his physical needs once a week? If so, I would be questioning his true feelings for me and whether or not that is all he wants out of the relationship.

[/QUOTE]when we first got together - i felt safe and not alone. I feel safe with him as far as violence and shit like that goes - but with my heart i'm not so sure anymore. And the alone thing - is all back again.[/QUOTE]

Don't think just because you don't have to worry about violence with this man that the relationship is good. It sounds like you have had some very bad experiences but set your standards higher. No woman deserves to be physically abused but there is much more to a relationship than just making sure he isn't the violent type.

You deserve to feel loved and cherished. You deserve to feel wanted and needed. Emotional abuse can be devastating too.

Look for that guy who not only makes you feel safe physically, but makes you feel loved and cherished as a person. He will accept you AND your son and not try to develop a relationship with only you as if your son doesn't exist. Don't settle for less when you DESERVE so much more.

This guy has to grow up, grow a pair and make a few decisions. Whether he likes it or not, having a relationship with you means being involved with your kid on some level and the further the relationship progresses, the more he should want to become involved with your child. You should not ever allow him to make you feel guilty for being a parent. He is behaving like a spoiled child and clearly sees your son as someone he is in competition with for your attention, which is terribly immature.

Your son is a beautiful gift and an extension of the wonderful person that you are. To regard him as so much inconvenient baggage is potentially incredibly damaging considering that he has lost his father figure already. (I don't know how much he sees of his dad but I mean that you and his father are no longer together and so to whatever degree, that bond has been diluted.)

If he spends only 1 night a week with you and uses your son as an excuse to spend the rest of it with his friends then he is using you as a fuckbuddy. It really is that simple. If he was falling for you and wanted to be a major part of your life, this would be the wonderful honeymoon period of your relationship. He should be wanting to spend every waking moment with you, not turning up one night a week (after your son is asleep I'll bet) using you and then disappearing the next day. You have no idea how faithful he is being to you and it does not sound like he intends to make any degree of commitment to you any time soon.

I'm sorry to be so negative. I really wish I could tell you that this guy is the one. He isn't and until he accepts you and your son as a major part of his life and not an afterthought, he will never be. I would advise you to dump him, for your sake as much as for your son's. That boy will learn from your example how to treat women and handle relationships.

Yes, it will be another man walking out on you but you will have told him to leave because you know you deserve a lot better. That's progress in my book, not a case of history repeating itself.

There are many men out there who will love your son as much as they love you and be proud to raise him as their own and love him as much as you do. Do both of yourselves a favour and hold out for a guy who deserves to be in your lives and hearts.

Sending you a hug.

Hold out for someone more mature and nicer

Erika I know it is really difficult to be objective when you are so emotionally invorved but many of the above comments are so true.

Please ask yourself does this guy bring me joy and happiness and will he be a loving soulmate to me and form a really nice relationship with my child. If the answer is no in your heart of heart do not waste a moment longer of your time with him. I suspect you know the answer. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you will find someone much nicer.

This is a male viewpoint and I hope my comments are of some help. Take care and I hope this dilema work out for you

Sounds to me like your boyfriend enjoys being with you for sex, on a weekly basis, but doesn't want to get involved deeper. Stop the physical stuff and see what happens.

i spoke with him last night before i went to bed.
i'm suppose to be going to his place tonight so we can talk.

When he called me last night - i wasnt planning on saying a word till i went to his place - so we can speak about it face to face. But he kept digging for an answer on what was wrong - so i finally gave in and told him the gist of it - so of course - he got all quiet all over again with absolutally nothing to say. So i told him that i'm not going to be in a one sided relationship and that he either steps up to the plate and try to work this out or he's gone. So he asked me several times to come over tonight to talk about it. by then i was pissed because he had absolutally nothing to say about the shit i told him <yes i got the silent treatment - n said that i would think about it. At the moment - i dont even know if i want to go over there to work this out.

Blah sorry if this is confusing to some - i'm horrible at writting things so it makes it a little confusing at times.

Sorry you're having troubles with him, ASG, I know it's complicated from what you've shared before. I am assuming your bf is around your age, without trying to sound nasty, the level of maturity isn't typically at the place to deal with the responsibility of children. So his actions don't sound too far out of field, in my opinion. You want more than he wants to give so my best advice is to try to pull back with your emotions/attachment to him at this point. If things are unbalanced there isn't much stability.

Also, I'm not an advocate of introducing children to a potential SO until there a stage of committment that the relationship most likely is stable and long going. Children that see a parade of of bf/gf in and out are making attachments over and over, potentially leaving them with lasting issues with intimacy and attachment. I'm not in the least implying this is the case with you.

Other than you assuring him with words and actions there's not much you can do to make him 'get it' regarding your son but I'd be careful and make sure your son is protected from here today gone tomorrow people.

well i went over there and of course - it all got turned around on me - like i somehow knew it would.
so right now i'm feeling pretty shitty.
so i've come to the conclusion. doing back to the state of mind i had when i left my sons dad - i'm not goin to give a shit about people till they prove they are worthy of my time. I'm going back to being the heartless bitch everyone hated. I'd rather be hated and alone than hurting and with someone.
so - its official - i am no longer telling anyone what i think or feel.

Goin back into my shell now.
bye

I'm very sorry you're hurting. But please don't go back inside -- not real far. I do think going back in a little is a good idea for the purpose of letting your feelings settle and to learn from the experience. There are a lot of wonderful people in life, people who will and do care and want to share life with you. But not everyone is a good match and since we don't know that from the start, taking it slowly is best.

Make you and your son the priority, spend some time talking with a trust friend, or the like. When I was your age there were a few people in my life that were wonderful mentors/supporters/hero/champion for me -- they were older and knew so much about how I was feeling, often they identified the emotions. I still have people in those roles now because we all need support.

I know the urge to retreat is great and I think it's wise but only a little back, get to your comfort level and rest but don't get too comfy, please remember to come back out, you're very important, especially to your son.

AgonySceneGirl said:

i spoke with him last night before i went to bed.
i'm suppose to be going to his place tonight so we can talk.

When he called me last night - i wasnt planning on saying a word till i went to his place - so we can speak about it face to face. But he kept digging for an answer on what was wrong - so i finally gave in and told him the gist of it - so of course - he got all quiet all over again with absolutally nothing to say. So i told him that i'm not going to be in a one sided relationship and that he either steps up to the plate and try to work this out or he's gone. So he asked me several times to come over tonight to talk about it. by then i was pissed because he had absolutally nothing to say about the shit i told him <yes i got the silent treatment - n said that i would think about it. At the moment - i dont even know if i want to go over there to work this out.

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Great work! Even though I don't know you well, I'm really proud of you for standing up for yourself and asserting your needs.

Blah sorry if this is confusing to some - i'm horrible at writting things so it makes it a little confusing at times.

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It made perfect sense to me, even in one very quick read. No apology necessary!

AgonySceneGirl said:

well i went over there and of course - it all got turned around on me - like i somehow knew it would.
so right now i'm feeling pretty shitty.
so i've come to the conclusion. doing back to the state of mind i had when i left my sons dad - i'm not goin to give a shit about people till they prove they are worthy of my time. I'm going back to being the heartless bitch everyone hated. I'd rather be hated and alone than hurting and with someone.
so - its official - i am no longer telling anyone what i think or feel.

Goin back into my shell now.
bye

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I didn't refresh before writing the above post. What I said still stands, though.

It sounds like he lured you over so he could make you feel bad. Just because he turned it around and made you look like the bad guy doesn't mean you are, though.

From what you've said, I think he's a manipulative jackass, and you deserve much, much better. By believing what he said, or putting yourself in the badguy role and retreating, you're letting him win. Listen to Cate's wonderful advice and don't let him win! Instead, prove him wrong and get revenge by living a great life with your son and having an amazing relationship with someone who truly cares for both of you.

We all make poor choices when it comes to love and relationships, but each one of those gives us a great opportunity to learn and get closer to what we truly want and need. This jackass was a bit better than the last one, so you ARE learning and making progress, sweetie. And I bet talking about it (we do some great mental processing when we talk and write) is helping you get to where you want to be, so don't deny yourself that opportunity for growth.

x 12

Erika is right, you cannot allow this asshole to affect you and how you are with people. You lived and learned and whatever the outcome, that's progress too. The next time you'll be wiser and play things a little more slowly, ensuring that you get as much as you give from people.

Take some time to be single and be yourself. Spend time with friends and allow yourself to lean on them a little. Remind yourself that being single does not mean being alone and is definitely better than being in a one-sided relationship with an overgrown child.

Hope you post back soon and say hi.

After reading your posts (as a man) I have come to the conclusion that your boyfriend (or ex boyfriend) is just using you for sex. He is selfish and as another poster said "he wants his cake and eat it" Do yourself a favour and get out now (if you haven't already done so!).

You do deserve a proper relationship with someone who cares for you AND your son. Good luck

well and update for all of you that gave me advice and actually cared to take the time.

I realized some things last night that i didnt realize i was doing - he pointed the bullshit that i was doing out and its actually an obvious 'fuck i messed up' type of a thing. My own mom even pointed it out.

First - i've been on anti - depressents for about 2 years - i stopped taking them about 4 months ago thinking it was time to try to handle it myself. Before i stopped taking them - we got along great and he actually wanted me around and the few times that he came over to see me and my kid were before i stopped.

I've always had a short fuse but since all the bs with my ex - it got worse, and now that i think of it - it was the reason i was put on antidepressents<that and always being paranoid.

But anyway - for the last few months all we've been doing is fighting. He never started the arguements - i did. he may have started one or 2 but thats a normal thing. I'm not saying he's perfect here so dont get me wrong lol
we came to the conclusion last night that i need to get back on the anti-depressents.
so for now - we are taking a small break from eachother till they start kicking in.
We made an agreement that if i'm going to be on these, he's going to change some things also. and i made it clear again that i am not going to be the only one tryin.

No ladies i am not stuck on him - i can leave whenever i want to. I am just tryin to make this work out, if it doesnt - oh well. but i dont want to think back in 5 years and think back n say 'what if' type of a thing. Getting back on the anti depressents was my idea and i'm doing it for more than to keep my boyfriend - i'm doin it because i need to.