First dates & BDSM checklists

I have read some threads about BDSM checklists and how that potential partners should fill out BDSM checklists as quickly as they can, if only to see what interests they may have in common, etc.

I have been on many dates with some guys, out of about 5 guys, only one I have played with, and we both didn't fill out the BDSM checklists, I think, the main reason for this is that he is into spankings and floggings. At the time, I was new to the BDSM scene, and was really interested in spankings, he offered to spank me as to introduce me to the delights of the spankings etc. From that point, we kinda went along with the flow.

However, I am going on a date on Tuesday with a very very lovely guy (sub) and I feel a connection with him, at least on the MSN, and lately I have been thinking of asking him to fill out a BDSM checklist, as well as myself filling it out, but didn't want to be seen as if I was rushing into things too quickly.

My question is, how long should you wait until you feel ready to ask your PYL or pyl to fill out a BDSM checklist?

Is it really necessary? Is it useful?

Hope you can help me out!

I'd say just ask him. Your needs and desires need (more or less) to tally up and the sooner you find out the better. You can always add that if he doesn't feel ready to do this yet it can be postponed.

Another insightful tool is to ask (or instruct) him to write about his fantasies and send them to you. It's more personal than a checklist and he'll have to put some effort in. People fantasise outside of their RL comfort zone but it's still a good way to get inside his head.

Hope the date goes well and that it's in a public place. A woman meeting a man is a woman meeting a man, whether the guy is sub or not. Precautions should be taken and I'm sure you have it all in hand.

onyxvixen said:

I'd say just ask him. Your needs and desires need (more or less) to tally up and the sooner you find out the better. You can always add that if he doesn't feel ready to do this yet it can be postponed.

Another insightful tool is to ask (or instruct) him to write about his fantasies and send them to you. It's more personal than a checklist and he'll have to put some effort in. People fantasise outside of their RL comfort zone but it's still a good way to get inside his head.

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Asking him to write about his fantasies is an excellent idea! I will certainly ask him to do that one! I have never thought of that one. With another sub I was going to play with, but had to be post-phoned, we did talk about certain things, but instead of him writing, I did write a scene. So I do like your idea of getting him to write about his fantasies and me looking it over and seeing what elements I could use! Cool!

Hope the date goes well and that it's in a public place. A woman meeting a man is a woman meeting a man, whether the guy is sub or not. Precautions should be taken and I'm sure you have it all in hand.

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Thank you very much, I look forward to the date, and yes it is in a public place, a safety net I must have in place for every first date, whether it be with a sub or with a Top, and my vanilla friend/flat-mate knows about it.

It depends on the level of experience. Checklists are pretty worthless if based on what one thinks they might like.

Cazz

I'm really glad that things are progressing with this guy. I'd say that if he is ready to meet you then he's ready to talk frankly about what he does and doesn't - or thinks he might/might not enjoy. You've got to have some inside info to go on.

I really hope it goes well for you. Please do post and let us know.

VelvetDarkness said:

Cazz

I'm really glad that things are progressing with this guy. I'd say that if he is ready to meet you then he's ready to talk frankly about what he does and doesn't - or thinks he might/might not enjoy. You've got to have some inside info to go on.

I really hope it goes well for you. Please do post and let us know.

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Thank you very much. We did talk about our BDSM interests on MSN, and I am glad to say that our interests are very slimier, but I do have that "nagging" in the back of my mind that I should ask him to fill out a BDSM list. Also, I am a bit scared about this guy, as I feel like I am falling for him, and that is even before I meet him. I am trying to think this as a "getting to know each other" period rather than a D/s relationship, as I do have that urge to give him commands and tell him what to do, already. I am getting ahead of myself, already, but is trying to put the handbrake down, and sit back and see what is going to happen with this guy.

WriterDom said:

It depends on the level of experience. Checklists are pretty worthless if based on what one thinks they might like.

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Great point. I was asked to fill out one checklist, which I did. Interestingly enough, the person who asked did not fill one out in return. Was a fairly worthless exercise given the fact that neither of us had any real life experience at the time.

I have played with a few Tops, and have never been asked to fill out a checklist. We just had a conversation. Besides the fact that these were play sessions, and not part of a realtionship, these Tops all pretty much take the approach that they would like to discover a bottom's interests as they go, and by talking, asking questions. Of course the checklist can be a jumping off point for these discussions, but they seem really clincal to me. And with my current PYL, we also have learned together along the way. I can't imagine him ever handing me a checklist.

I like checklists, but they're like writing prompts to the otherwise jaded and writers' blocked.

I don't know about it being worthless if you are inexperienced. My husband and I filled them out when we were inexperienced with BDSM. It gave us some great jumping off points of interests which we followed. We enjoyed doing so.

Of course, along the way we found out if we really liked X or not. We found some new interests and limits but that's going to happen in actual play. It didn't diminish the fun of anything we did.

onyxvixen said:

Another insightful tool is to ask (or instruct) him to write about his fantasies and send them to you. It's more personal than a checklist and he'll have to put some effort in. People fantasise outside of their RL comfort zone but it's still a good way to get inside his head.

Click to expand...

Is it? And when he writes something like in
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=295697
you will call the police because he is a sick fuck?

A fantasy will only tell you how open and honest someone is going to be. It really fails as a method of judgement or "insightful tool".

I think it all depends which checklist you use as to usefulness. If it is one which just asks do you like/not like xyz, it can give some ideas but is limiting in its response options. The ones I find more useful are the ones which ask about what you have done already and how much you liked them, and also a list of other activities and how you feel about them as well as the previous option of stating you have/haven't any experience with them. I ended up writing our own to fill in the gaps each one seemed to have so it was all in one list. It can be a good reference tool.

As to how long, for me it was always something which came up fairly quickly, and usually before meeting. Also, while getting him to write out stories/fantasies etc., is good in some ways, I would be careful not to follow it like a script as he is soon going to anticipate the next move and perhaps even if that doesn't dampen the element of surprise, it may come off looking as if you needed him to give you ideas, even if you didn't. Have fun whatever you decide to do.

Catalina

Primalex said:

Is it? And when he writes something like in
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=295697
you will call the police because he is a sick fuck?

A fantasy will only tell you how open and honest someone is going to be. It really fails as a method of judgement or "insightful tool".

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I actually agree with you about this. Wow!

I like the 2 pge "checklists" out of "screw the roses"....
it has a place for scaling an interest in over 100 things from "hell no, i'll call the cops-OMF,please do!!" and questions about your experience & desires...I found it very interesting to do just for myself as a newbie because it had listed some things I never even thought/heard/knew about but then became curious about. I still do them periodically to see how much I have grown.

I have the blanks saved as a jpeg image if anyone wants them, PM me

Stegral said:

I like the 2 pge "checklists" out of "screw the roses"....
it has a place for scaling an interest in over 100 things from "hell no, i'll call the cops-OMF,please do!!" and questions about your experience & desires...I found it very interesting to do just for myself as a newbie because it had listed some things I never even thought/heard/knew about but then became curious about. I still do them periodically to see how much I have grown.

Click to expand...

That's why I like those type as well...it allows for honesty and an overall picture, and as you say, it also mentions things some people are unaware even exist. Nothing worse than someone telling another they have absolutely no limits and then everything that gets mentioned they say no to, and that they never thought anyone would be into that anyway so though it would be understood it would be a 'no'.

Catalina

Personally, I don't like checklists. Each relationship has a very different dynamic. The things I thought I may never do I end up doing because of the dynamic. Or things I used to enjoy aren't at all part of the new relationship. Beyond the small handful of things that are hard limits, I just think checklists don't work - at least not for me.

Asking for his fantasies, however, could certainly tell you a bit about the things he may enjoy doing. They certainly won't be everything he likes, but it could give you a pretty good idea of whether you may be a match or not.

Just my 2 cents.

Thank you all for your responses, much appreciated.

After much thought in bdsm checklists, I have decided to talk to my guy about bdsm checklists and how he would feel about filling it out. He agreed, and I was glad. We have not done the bdsm checklists yet, as I have decided to wait till after the date on Tuesday. I am fairly sure that it will go well, and that we might be taking the next step soon after, and I am kinda looking forward to that, although at the same time, feeling scared and nervous. However, it does depend on how the date goes on Tuesday!

With regarding to writing about fantasies, I think I will be asking my guy to write a fantasy, along with his bdsm checklist. I think it will give us both a good chance to talk about things more deeply than we are currently doing. And I do look forward to that.

However, I do have a fear in the back of my mind, in that how he looks at this relationship and what he wants out of it, long-term. I know that I should ask, but is too scared to hear his answer. He have a Domme who he sees twice a year, and that is fine with me. But, I was wondering about down the road, where it might get serious, and be a long-term relationship. Perhaps I am getting ahead of myself, and worrying about things.

{{OK.....Caz....just have fun! You do deserve it! It have been too long! Go and have fun!!}}

WriterDom said:

It depends on the level of experience. Checklists are pretty worthless if based on what one thinks they might like.

Click to expand...

I've had mixed results. Someone new to the BDSM doesn't really know what they might like. The way I try to approach it is to have them indicate what is definitely off-limits (at least initially), things they already know that they like, things that they are curious about, and leave the rest in that gray yet-to-be-explored area. Over time, that gray area shrinks as they start to become more aware of themselves in a BDSM context.

Stegral said:

I like the 2 pge "checklists" out of "screw the roses"....
it has a place for scaling an interest in over 100 things from "hell no, i'll call the cops-OMF,please do!!" and questions about your experience & desires...I found it very interesting to do just for myself as a newbie because it had listed some things I never even thought/heard/knew about but then became curious about. I still do them periodically to see how much I have grown.

I have the blanks saved as a jpeg image if anyone wants them, PM me

Click to expand...

Thank you, Stegral for that, the checklist does look awesome, and there are some flexibility in what I can add on to the checklist. Great! Can't wait to fill it out and share it with my guy!

_____________________

Update on yesterday's date: I was really worried, that there might not be a connection when meeting face-to-face, cos I felt a real connection with my guy on MSN, and I didn't know what to expect from this first date. So, met my guy, went to a pub, and sat down, and of course some awkward pauses, but before too long, our conversations got flowing and we talked about various things as such as families, and things like that, before touching the BDSM topic....which was great. We found some similar interests in common, and we talked about different things etc. He told me a little more about his other domme down in London, and what was his experiences etc, and in return I told him about my sub experiences and the ideas I had for the Topping etc, it was an interesting talk. The connection was there, thankfully, and now there are some positive signs there, that this could grow into a beautiful relationship, where we can be good friends as well as Domme/sub, and I look forward to how it might grow!

So, I was thinking, of your first dates, your first everything, how did it go for you? What did you expect beforehand, did it turn out like what you expected? If not, why?

I will share some more experiences later with my other first dates in the past.

Thank you all for reading, and I look forward to reading about your first date experiences, if you don't mind sharing.

sexycaz22 said:

Update on yesterday's date: I was really worried, that there might not be a connection when meeting face-to-face, cos I felt a real connection with my guy on MSN, and I didn't know what to expect from this first date. So, met my guy, went to a pub, and sat down, and of course some awkward pauses, but before too long, our conversations got flowing and we talked about various things as such as families, and things like that, before touching the BDSM topic....which was great. We found some similar interests in common, and we talked about different things etc. He told me a little more about his other domme down in London, and what was his experiences etc, and in return I told him about my sub experiences and the ideas I had for the Topping etc, it was an interesting talk. The connection was there, thankfully, and now there are some positive signs there, that this could grow into a beautiful relationship, where we can be good friends as well as Domme/sub, and I look forward to how it might grow!

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Woohoo for you Caz! So glad your date went well, and that you've got that connection that you wanted with him. Keep us updated !

fishercat said:

Woohoo for you Caz! So glad your date went well, and that you've got that connection that you wanted with him. Keep us updated !

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Thanks! I am so pleased!