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So, I'm headed for court...

warrior queen

warrior queen

early bird snack pack
Joined
Jul 17, 2003
Posts
31,500
the ex is playing mind-games with regard to my access to the children.
he's taking the opportunity to change his mind and deny me equal access at the last minute (read: 3 days before i'm due to have them, he informs me that i can't have them for the days we agreed on six weeks ago!)
this is the n'th time he's done this to me :(
so i've engaged a lawyer, and we're off to the round table for a mediation hearing - and if we can't agree there, it'll go through to family court.

i wanted to avoid this at all costs, and have toed his changeable line for the last few years to avoid having the kids go thro the stress of having to give a statement to a magistrate (they're all old enough that their view is taken into consideration).... but i will not sit by and let the ex play his silly little power games any more!
so i've taken the initiative and set the ball in motion for the courts to order set access.
score one for me - i did all this yesterday, and last night he informed me by email that he was going to speak to a lawyer to set up an access order... it did feel good to have pre-empted him!
maybe now he'll come to the realisation that he can't keep jerking me around any more?!

damn him for being so juvenile... and forcing me to do this :mad:
 
warrior queen said:
the ex is playing mind-games with regard to my access to the children.
he's taking the opportunity to change his mind and deny me equal access at the last minute (read: 3 days before i'm due to have them, he informs me that i can't have them for the days we agreed on six weeks ago!)
this is the n'th time he's done this to me :(
so i've engaged a lawyer, and we're off to the round table for a mediation hearing - and if we can't agree there, it'll go through to family court.

i wanted to avoid this at all costs, and have toed his changeable line for the last few years to avoid having the kids go thro the stress of having to give a statement to a magistrate (they're all old enough that their view is taken into consideration).... but i will not sit by and let the ex play his silly little power games any more!
so i've taken the initiative and set the ball in motion for the courts to order set access.
score one for me - i did all this yesterday, and last night he informed me by email that he was going to speak to a lawyer to set up an access order... it did feel good to have pre-empted him!
maybe now he'll come to the realisation that he can't keep jerking me around any more?!

damn him for being so juvenile... and forcing me to do this :mad:
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear that. What is this all about on his end, any idea?
 
i hope that this is a different ex than the one who surprised you on valentine's day...

what a crappy situation. good luck with it all.
 
sweetvee said:
i hope that this is a different ex than the one who surprised you on valentine's day...

what a crappy situation. good luck with it all.
Click to expand...

different ex.
this is the one who's the father of my 2 youngest children, and married the woman he never had an affair with whilst with me :rolleyes:
been separated for 2 1/2 yrs now.
 
warrior queen said:
different ex.
this is the one who's the father of my 2 youngest children, and married the woman he never had an affair with whilst with me :rolleyes:
been separated for 2 1/2 yrs now.
Click to expand...

ouch. sounds like a real winner.

good luck with him, sounds like he's into having all the power he can.
 
hope you can settle this without going to court. that wouldnt be good for the children.
what are your feelings about this. can you too reach a common ground?
 
sweetvee said:
i hope that this is a different ex than the one who surprised you on valentine's day...

what a crappy situation. good luck with it all.
Click to expand...

yes, i'm a threat now.
when i was on the other side of the country, he was all safe and secure and able to dictate the terms of when i got to speak/interact with the kids.
now that i'm back and living 40 mins away, there's the very real danger that the kids will want to leave and come to me (they've already expressed this) and he will quotedo everything in my power to stop that from happeningunquote.

heh - i don't think he knows that once over the age of 13, the kids themselves have a legal say that is taken very seriously by the courts.
and 2 of the three are over 13 as of yesterday (coincidentally, the very same day i started the ball hurtling down the court/magistrate hill.)
 
warrior queen said:
different ex.
this is the one who's the father of my 2 youngest children, and married the woman he never had an affair with whilst with me :rolleyes:
been separated for 2 1/2 yrs now.
Click to expand...

Just when I think there just might be a good man out there. Crunch. :(
 
glo33 said:
hope you can settle this without going to court. that wouldnt be good for the children.
what are your feelings about this. can you too reach a common ground?
Click to expand...

you know, i seriously doubt it.
he's been on his power-trip for so long, he won't want to give that up so easily.
plus, he gets a shitload of money from the govt as their primary carer...
 
warrior queen said:
yes, i'm a threat now.
when i was on the other side of the country, he was all safe and secure and able to dictate the terms of when i got to speak/interact with the kids.
now that i'm back and living 40 mins away, there's the very real danger that the kids will want to leave and come to me (they've already expressed this) and he will quotedo everything in my power to stop that from happeningunquote.

heh - i don't think he knows that once over the age of 13, the kids themselves have a legal say that is taken very seriously by the courts.
and 2 of the three are over 13 as of yesterday (coincidentally, the very same day i started the ball hurtling down the court/magistrate hill.)
Click to expand...

it seems that you have been sitting on it for quite sometime, thinking about what is best for your kids.
i really wish you the best of luck.
and give these children an happy home. that is the most important thing.
 
warrior queen said:
the ex is playing mind-games with regard to my access to the children.
he's taking the opportunity to change his mind and deny me equal access at the last minute (read: 3 days before i'm due to have them, he informs me that i can't have them for the days we agreed on six weeks ago!)
this is the n'th time he's done this to me :(
so i've engaged a lawyer, and we're off to the round table for a mediation hearing - and if we can't agree there, it'll go through to family court.

i wanted to avoid this at all costs, and have toed his changeable line for the last few years to avoid having the kids go thro the stress of having to give a statement to a magistrate (they're all old enough that their view is taken into consideration).... but i will not sit by and let the ex play his silly little power games any more!
so i've taken the initiative and set the ball in motion for the courts to order set access.
score one for me - i did all this yesterday, and last night he informed me by email that he was going to speak to a lawyer to set up an access order... it did feel good to have pre-empted him!
maybe now he'll come to the realisation that he can't keep jerking me around any more?!

damn him for being so juvenile... and forcing me to do this :mad:
Click to expand...

The lawyers will only make it worse while draining you and your ex of any money they can get out of you. While I understand your frustration you should instead have gotten your lawyer and then had a meeting with your ex and his. This way you could have called his bluff and avoided court alltogether. Now your commited to the machinations of the legal court fight. Hopefully you don't have to fight over missed visits from here on out. Good luck. Watch your damned lawyers like a hawk.
 
Last edited:
glo33 said:
it seems that you have been sitting on it for quite sometime, thinking about what is best for your kids.
i really wish you the best of luck.
and give these children an happy home. that is the most important thing.
Click to expand...

i have never let on to the kids that the reasons i haven't been able to take them on the agreed days is because their dad said 'no' at the last minute.
i have always made it sound like it's my fault - car broken down, work, etc.
my lawyer advised me to tell the children the truth (at 15, 13 and 11 they're apparently old enough now). i'm not sure how i'm going to be able to do this.... i have deliberately never said anything negative about their dad....

lawyerlady says i have to tell them now - and that they will be asked if it goes to court. she says one of my best aces for this is the fact that i have shielded them so well and NEVER denounced their father, and that when the kids say the first they knew of it all was just prior to the mediation hearing, that that will go very heavily in my favour.

still - how do i now disappoint them about their dad???
i'm heart-heavy about this aspect of it :(
 
Luke's Angel said:
The lawyers will only make it worse while draining you and your ex of any money they can get out of you. While I understand your frustration you should instead have gotten your lawyer and then had a meeting with your ex and his. This way you could have called his bluff and avoided court alltogether. Now your commited to the machinations of the legal court fight. Hopefully you don't have to fight over missed visits from here on out. Good luck. Watch your damned lawyers like a hawk.
Click to expand...

i get my legal costs deferred as i'm a student.
the ex however, will have to pay.

our system is such that we have to go through a mediation first, and then if no agreement is reached it proceeds to court.
i've already said to lawyerlady that if it gets as far as court, i want to go for full custody of all 3, not just access.
if we agree at mediation (highly unlikely from his side), then i'll be happy with regular, court-appointed access order that the ex can't change at the last minute when it suits him.
 
warrior queen said:
i have never let on to the kids that the reasons i haven't been able to take them on the agreed days is because their dad said 'no' at the last minute.
i have always made it sound like it's my fault - car broken down, work, etc.
my lawyer advised me to tell the children the truth (at 15, 13 and 11 they're apparently old enough now). i'm not sure how i'm going to be able to do this.... i have deliberately never said anything negative about their dad....

lawyerlady says i have to tell them now - and that they will be asked if it goes to court. she says one of my best aces for this is the fact that i have shielded them so well and NEVER denounced their father, and that when the kids say the first they knew of it all was just prior to the mediation hearing, that that will go very heavily in my favour.

still - how do i now disappoint them about their dad???
i'm heart-heavy about this aspect of it :(
Click to expand...

You are in a very difficult position. It is the most painful thing seeing a child becoming disillusioned toward a parent. Follow your lawyer advice…but also fallow your heart. You can always say, i dont want to do that.

best of luck...:kiss:
 
warrior queen said:
the ex is playing mind-games with regard to my access to the children.
he's taking the opportunity to change his mind and deny me equal access at the last minute (read: 3 days before i'm due to have them, he informs me that i can't have them for the days we agreed on six weeks ago!)
this is the n'th time he's done this to me :(
so i've engaged a lawyer, and we're off to the round table for a mediation hearing - and if we can't agree there, it'll go through to family court.

i wanted to avoid this at all costs, and have toed his changeable line for the last few years to avoid having the kids go thro the stress of having to give a statement to a magistrate (they're all old enough that their view is taken into consideration).... but i will not sit by and let the ex play his silly little power games any more!
so i've taken the initiative and set the ball in motion for the courts to order set access.
score one for me - i did all this yesterday, and last night he informed me by email that he was going to speak to a lawyer to set up an access order... it did feel good to have pre-empted him!
maybe now he'll come to the realisation that he can't keep jerking me around any more?!

damn him for being so juvenile... and forcing me to do this :mad:
Click to expand...

Sorry to hear about it. Hope you find your peace.
 
warrior queen said:
i have never let on to the kids that the reasons i haven't been able to take them on the agreed days is because their dad said 'no' at the last minute.
i have always made it sound like it's my fault - car broken down, work, etc.
my lawyer advised me to tell the children the truth (at 15, 13 and 11 they're apparently old enough now). i'm not sure how i'm going to be able to do this.... i have deliberately never said anything negative about their dad....

lawyerlady says i have to tell them now - and that they will be asked if it goes to court. she says one of my best aces for this is the fact that i have shielded them so well and NEVER denounced their father, and that when the kids say the first they knew of it all was just prior to the mediation hearing, that that will go very heavily in my favour.

still - how do i now disappoint them about their dad???
i'm heart-heavy about this aspect of it :(
Click to expand...

Look just be honest with them. You've been the one covering for the ex all these years. They need to know from you why this whole thing is going to mediation because your ex sounds like a guy that is just going to lie to them to smear you.

Yes it's going to be hard and you should have your other family members there with you when you talk to the kids. Supportive people so the kids and you can be comforted by some family who aren't as emotionally close to the issue. You should not attempt this alone. Time to gather the family together for a sit down.
 
Luke's Angel said:
Look just be honest with them. You've been the one covering for the ex all these years. They need to know from you why this whole thing is going to mediation because your ex sounds like a guy that is just going to lie to them to smear you.

Yes it's going to be hard and you should have your other family members there with you when you talk to the kids. Supportive people so the kids and you can be comforted by some family who aren't as emotionally close to the issue. You should not attempt this alone. Time to gather the family together for a sit down.
Click to expand...

my family is just myself and my mum.
she's coming here tomorrow for 10 days (and is the reason all this blew up... the ex changed his mind about letting me have the kids for the weekend she arrives).
she's coming 4000 km, and he's known and agreed for 6 weeks - yet he changed his mind on wed.

in the end, the threat of legal action has meant that he has now agreed to let me see them.... but i am still going ahead with the mediation and [possibly] court.
i don't want him to be able to change his mind ad-hoc any more..... it's not fair to me or to the kids.
 
I applaud you for remaining the adult in the situation.

And for shielding your children from all the possibly unpleasantness between you and your ex.


Here's a (((hug))) too.
 
We went through this with the husband's ex. Always changing her mind about his visitation. It took going back to court and having visitation declared. Of course, her husband also wrote the husband a letter and told him he wasn't allowed to go to activities that the step had at school. Oooo. That was another lawyer visit. The husband and his ex's husband haven't talked since. The step also wanted to be involved in Scouting which he did with the husband. The ex wouldn't let the step participate if it fell on "her" time...

The step is finally figuring it out. Painful times.
 
ksmybuttons said:
We went through this with the husband's ex. Always changing her mind about his visitation. It took going back to court and having visitation declared. Of course, her husband also wrote the husband a letter and told him he wasn't allowed to go to activities that the step had at school. Oooo. That was another lawyer visit. The husband and his ex's husband haven't talked since. The step also wanted to be involved in Scouting which he did with the husband. The ex wouldn't let the step participate if it fell on "her" time...

The step is finally figuring it out. Painful times.
Click to expand...

~sigh~
sometimes i dream of a perfect world....

and then he changes his mind again and i am reminded that wankers are more than just in my imagination.

hope your sit ends well :rose:
 
warrior queen said:
yes, i'm a threat now.
when i was on the other side of the country, he was all safe and secure and able to dictate the terms of when i got to speak/interact with the kids.
now that i'm back and living 40 mins away, there's the very real danger that the kids will want to leave and come to me (they've already expressed this) and he will quotedo everything in my power to stop that from happeningunquote.

heh - i don't think he knows that once over the age of 13, the kids themselves have a legal say that is taken very seriously by the courts.
and 2 of the three are over 13 as of yesterday (coincidentally, the very same day i started the ball hurtling down the court/magistrate hill.)
Click to expand...


Let's hope he doesn't turn violent. Be careful if he suddenly wants to come over and talk while you're home alone.
 
human_male said:
Let's hope he doesn't turn violent. Be careful if he suddenly wants to come over and talk while you're home alone.
Click to expand...

oh, he won't do that.
quite apart from the fact that the one and only time we ever physically fought, i dropped him like a stone on the kitchen floor.....
to come speak to me would mean he actually had to ~gasp~ drive to my town!!! that would use, you know, fuel and stuff. and his precious time too. and effort as well....
he's gained far too much weight since i left to be a serious physical threat :D
 
It flat out sucks when the ex uses the kids for anything to get back at the other person. I feel for you. I have been lucky that my ex and I have a "good" relationship. We have vowed not too involve the kids in any of our problems. Good luck and take it to him.
 
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