Old 03-05-2008, 12:43 AM   #1
wolfknight20
Literotica Guru
 
wolfknight20's Avatar
 
wolfknight20 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in a hunters world
Posts: 1,089
Wings 03-04-08

heres a song I've been working on all input is welcome



WINGS

Wings up my sleeves and a heart of gold
Still I sufferer from heartache untold
I've been lost and lonely for so damn long
I can't even remember what went wrong

I started burning bridges to hide from my trouble
Only to find out now I got double
I thought it lock the door on my pain
But now I know it'll always remain

Wings up my sleeves and a heart of gold
Still I can only sit and watch my story unfold
Lost in a trap of my own making
Still chained to a dream while i'm waking

Till the day she sets me free
The shadows will be my only company
Seeing her will end my lonely nights
For her love will set all to rights

Wings up my sleeves and a heart of gold
Awaiting my rescue by one so bold
Come to banish the shadows without fear
For I cant stand to shed another tear

Shadows from the past have followed me around
Till I no longer care if i'm above or below the ground
I've been hiding from my past so long
I don't think i'll ever find where I belong

Last edited by wolfknight20 : 03-08-2008 at 02:34 AM. Reason: mistakes and makeing it flow better
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-06-2008, 11:31 PM   #2
wolfknight20
Literotica Guru
 
wolfknight20's Avatar
 
wolfknight20 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in a hunters world
Posts: 1,089
Please People If You Like It Or Not Leave A Comment I'm Begging Ya Here
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-07-2008, 02:21 AM   #3
wildsweetone
i am what i am
 
wildsweetone's Avatar
 
wildsweetone is offline
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,806
okay i'll choose one thing to mention...

spelling could be improved in this song. eg in the last line you have 'ill' which spells the word for someone being unwell. it needs an apostrophe i.e. i'll (it means 'I will')



okay two things...

consistency is important. i'm referring to your use of 'I' and 'i'. i suggest you choose one and stick with it through the whole song.


and a third...

i like the chorus. 'wings up my sleeves' is an interesting image. i also think the chorus rhymes well and the rhythm of it feels smooth to say out loud.

thanks for giving me the chance to comment.

  Reply With Quote

Old 03-07-2008, 08:05 AM   #4
WickedEve
save an apple, eat eve
 
WickedEve's Avatar
 
WickedEve is offline
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: VA
Posts: 11,374
I realize that some song lyrics tend to be cliché. For example, "heart of gold" in your first line. If I was reading this as a poem, I wouldn't enjoy it as much, but I realize that song lyrics are bit different. Once you add a good voice and good music, I'm sure it will be quite enjoyable.

Wings up my sleeves is a cool image.
dame long - damn long
wile - while
cant - can't
__________________
~
  Reply With Quote

Old 03-08-2008, 02:35 AM   #5
wolfknight20
Literotica Guru
 
wolfknight20's Avatar
 
wolfknight20 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in a hunters world
Posts: 1,089
thank you for the comment and the help
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:39 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.